Do you do any journaling? It might help you to write down your feelings and then a few days later look back and write the outcome of those feelings you were feeling. Additionally, you can just say the word feelings over and over until you feel like the word feels powerless and then you won't be so controlled by your feelings. I am Literally twice your age and sometimes I still feel like I am controlled by my feelings. But I try to remember that feelings are just that, THINGS I FEEL, not facts, not reality.

: Mom and Brett are holding up, but she watches a lot of garbage TV and has a lot of misinformation about the "granola virus". Not as bad as the president (!), but still enough to worry me.

My summer camp will be closed this summer. This semester ends on May 16, and the day just before that, I'll find out if my grant application got approved, so either I'll be employed or not this summer -- find out in a couple of weeks!

I watch a lot of excellent tv! TV is my best friend. IDK what I would do without it. But I don't follow all the news on the virus, very little in fact. What I know is not going to change anything for me. And frankly, if I catch it and don't survie, I am good with that.

But, your mom. Does she listen music? Do any kind of puzzles, jigsaw maybe? I'm not sure what she is capable of anymore but it seems like she needs something to distract her. Is Brett still getting to the store? How are they coping with the shortages?

I'm sorry to hear about camp. Not too surprising though. What surprises me is when I hear about things taking place in August and beyond being cancelled. Tell us about your grant. What are you hoping to be doing?

I am sorry you have to go out for your meds every month! Is it possible to have them delivered? What about your guy picking them up for you? I know it wouldn't be the same but maybe your group could play an online game together? Or play something over a video chat service? There must be something you can do to still get a bit of socializing in.

the most difficult thing for me is to express my feeling, I'm "cold-hearted" person, I can't even cry "^_^ but I'm gonna try your idea, why not? thanks!

I can really understand what you're going through, especially during the spring allergies and it's really consuming you mentally, it's really a disaster, I want it to end.

And honestly just the talks about bringing everything back to normal scares me the most, I think I'm going to stay at home for eternity lol

I'm doing okay. I'm better rested but also tired all the time anyhow (pretty sure it's some depression and anxiety about everything going on). Unemployment has helped reduce money stress for now at least. My mom is doing alright - her knee is still a problem but she's dealing. My grandma though broke her arm a couple weeks ago, so my mom is there just about every day helping do stuff for her. How're you doing?

I'm really sorry that the pandemic is causing you so much additional stress and anxiety. I hope you can find some things that will help you cope a little easier soon.

I'm sorry about the prescription situation. It doesn't make sense at all to me to make you go out to the pharmacy monthly. I know for a fact they can set it for 3 months at a time and then put a restriction on you filling any sooner than that (regardless of whether you use your insurance or not to pay for it). A lot of prescriptions have that set up. I could maybe understand if there was a shortage for some reason, but I cannot imagine why they'd have one unless someone was letting people hoard somewhere - which I also cannot imagine happening.

Gonna keep my fingers crossed your grant is approved!

: Mom would listen to music if she knew how to work the remote well enough to get to the music channels. I keep her stocked in circle-the-word puzzle books, which is low-tech enough that she still does those.

Brett goes out for some groceries, and I've been arranging deliveries to the house. We've been making do with what we can get -- so far everything we've been unable to get, we either haven't needed, or we've found a substitute for.

A colleague and I have applied for a grant from an organization called VIVA. They pay people to write college textbooks, with the stipulation that the books be permanently available for free download. The goal is to make college (slightly) more affordable by eliminating some of the cost of materials.

: Being 'cold-hearted' and not crying can be a defense mechanism that gay men use to avoid being seen as unmasculine in situations where they're not yet out of the closet. It can take a lot of work to overcome that defense mechanism. It can also be a sign of trust issues -- concealing them from others makes you less vulnerable.

LOL my guy does get the prescriptions for me, its not actually me getting them. But making him go out to get the meds is no better. Putting him at risk increases my risk, of course, but even if he gets it and I don't get it from him, then I would be the one having to go out plus taking care of him when I can barely care for myself.

As for delivery, my insurance won't cover that. I don't have a credit card, or any payment method but cash, so I'd then have to interact with the delivery person and go to the bank - adding even more risk.

That's almost where I'm at too. I don't want to go out. I'm not experiencing that so-called "cabin fever" - let me stay home and just play on Subeta!

yeah, they mumbled something about heading off potential shortages with these restrictions, but if you can't confidently allow people to get a regular 3 month supply, then there are already shortages.

Personally, I think its a reaction to the chloroquine issue where people with Lupus have been taking the meds for years are suddenly unable to get their prescriptions filled because they're stealing it to use on patients who aren't helped by it. Those of us on other meds may fear the same thing and try to stock up on stuff that isn't yet a cure or treatment for covid so the same thing won't happen to us. Then the gov steps in to prevent that from happening.

good luck with your grant!

Sadly, there are a lot of people like your mother. Many are comforted by "answers" that don't make sense because the real answer is "we don't know yet" - better irrationality than unknown.

Thanks! I'm just playing games with the Switch, Animal Crossing all day lol

I think for me is more a result of being bullied at school and actually moving for place to place as a kid and saying so many goodbyes to friend and befriending again.. my father worked at the military for 25 years, so we moved a lot, I was in many schools and it was difficult.

yeah exactly, just let me stay at home, play games, chill out with my dog, at least I'm at a closed condo with big green areas so I can safely walk my dog without interacting with people. I swear my social skills are so damage, I'm gonna need to learn to speak to people lol

: Thanks. I'm optimistic we'll get it. The course that we're proposing in the grant is part of the fastest-growing major in the university -- something that we pointed out -- so the benefit of replacing the $200 book (yikes!) with a free one will make a difference for a lot of people over the next few years.

Glad to hear things are manageable for them. You don't need any more stress in your life. Those puzzle books may not be the most challenging but at least they keep her brain and fingers both moving. And I think writing text books would be great for you! It will be a chance to offer up instructions without having to worry about farting on camera :D Not to mention it never hurts to have some extra money.

Yes, all those things do still present risks. My think was that it would be a bit less for you. But still, there is no perfect solution. :/

I understand feeling tired all the time. In fact, my brother and I were talking about that yesterday. He is normally always going be it for work or "play". But now he is stuck at home he is tired all the time. I do think it is part depression. And part of it is just the lack of stimulation. The more I lie around the less I want to get up and do something. our parents and grandmom are so lucky to have you with them! Thank you for asking. I am doing alright I suppose. I have trouble being on Subeta now because it just makes me sad that Lena is not here. I miss her so much and is just so unbelievable that she is gone forever. It almost seems as though her kids are doing better than I. But they have their own kids to get on with so, yeah, they are busy.

- I am doing video teaching, and I feel like I'm getting better at it, little by little. It's very time consuming though. To make different snippets and then edit them together, all while trying to make sure J does all of schoolwork. We're officially out for the rest of the year, after having been out for 6 weeks already. We have another 6 to go, I believe. I've had to restart my anxiety meds because my battle with depression and anxiety has gone completely off the rails. I'll get my control back one of these days. How are you doing with all of this?

Yeah, it definitely seems like they're trying not to alert anyone that there's already been a downturn in either production or supply for some other reason - otherwise restricting normal prescription amounts just seems very out of pocket. And I really hope nobody pops up and starts trying to shout that insulin is a cure headdesk I saw that about the folks with lupus who are screwed and I just...do not understand how pharmacies and doctors felt it was okay to distribute it to people who didn't need it.

Honestly, if it helps get you out of the negative headspace, then play away. Distraction from negative thoughts is good and helpful ❤️

Yeah - I'm used to being a lot more busy, but now it's like...no plans at all from the moment I have my coffee until 5pm every day. It's hard to self-motivate. I did need a break initially and needed to rest a lot to decompress from how drained I was from work and other life issues before, but after that was done I am still just listless. Definitely some depression but yeah, not having anything to do in general makes it harder for sure to get up and want to do anything. And grief is a really difficult thing - everyone processes differently. Her kids had time up close and personal with her and, as you said, they've got their own kids to help focus on. It's going to be harder when you've got less people to distract you from the hurt. Especially when you're spending time where you'd have had her before.

I hope the meds will help with the stress you're under. I'll bet the kids you're teaching will always appreciate the work you've put in to try and help keep them on track ❤️ It's an unprecedented time right now and I know a lot of teachers who're trying to adjust to meet their kids' needs and all of you deserve some recognition for all the hard work you always put in on top of having this crisis to deal with as well.

Yeah, reducing risk does help, I'm just so frustrated with the restriction its hard to be rational about it.

hugs Grieving is hard.

that sounds like a good project! My kind of fun, though I really have to reign in my tendency to over explain when doing that kind of writing.

LOL my "people skills" have been getting very rusty way before this covid thing! I was wondering how you were managing your dog, good that you have a safe space.

learning how to do new stuff can be lots of fun, but not when you need to learn right this instant and other things are screaming for attention too! Having to go back on meds isn't a failure - its just another tool and its good that you recognized you needed them.

I had a really tough time when I stopped working a few years ago. I have to keep re-learning that keeping to a strict schedule when you "don't have anything to do" is so important. I'm a procrastinator by nature and if I don't schedule play time, meals, chores, etc, stuff just doesn't get done because I can always do it "tomorrow."

Yeah, I've always had a procrastination issue so that tracks for me. I need to start designating things to do each day I think. Like, I get up at a reasonable time and go to bed at a reasonable time most days/nights still (honestly, better than I was doing when I was working haha), but I need to start making a routine for sure.

I'm having computer problems. Stupid microsoft updates!

Anyhow, somehow its fucked everything up and I'm having to move files, reset preferences and so forth, basically re-starting from scratch. I have a newer computer that I've been putting off moving to because of all the hassles of setup and so forth. Since I have to do that now anyway, I'm going to switch to my new computer now.

Hopefully the process will go easily - but I'm going to be downloading new versions of everything to make a clean start, transferring old files and so forth. Even if everything goes smoothly, it could take a day or two to get everything back on track. If it doesn't go smoothly I could go missing for several days.

Wanted to let everyone know that I'm not avail to work for today, and possibly up to a week. Don't panic if you don't see me logon, I'm fine.

I may briefly logon in between cursing to hit the bathhouse, but may not be able to do much more than that. Sorry its so sudden, without warning.

I hope you can get it all transitioned smoothly! I'm around a lot more frequently at the moment unless I'm having a bad personal day, so I'll keep an eye on anything needing to be added/updated. I did the hat updates yesterday since I was around and it wasn't too bad haha.

Yikes. I hope the transition goes smoothly.

I am guessing a system restore wouldn't take care of the problem... I always hate having to do what you are facing but in the end it always turns out to be a good thing.

I posted in the SL shoutbox but just letting y'all know here too that I updated the Kanis Slippers :)

Thanks everyone. Spent most of yesterday looking for files. Tough when I can't login into my Windows User. So much crap on the hard drive. Going to try to find the rest of what I need this morning. Then my guy is going to work at finding his files (thankfully most of his files are mixed in with mine - he almost never used his own windows user) and hopefully by tonight we'll be able to set up the new computer and start the work of downloading/updating and migrating.