I talk about it sometimes in bits in pieces on my tumblr that hint at it, but I've never outwright said it. Usually in hurried upset text posts that I delete later anyway I'll mention my problems or things that upset me briefly. But I only have a few IRL friends who follow me on tumblr and none of them are really close enough to take notice or say anything. Which is good and bad, I suppose. Support would be nice but sometimes it's nice to vent more or less anonymously.

Subeta is one of the places I've always felt comfortable coming out about my problems, so it definitely does help. And thanks [: it has meant a lot just to be able to chat here.

i wish more people would be accepting of it i'm really happy you felt so comfortable talking here <3

I think that's one of the ways that I've been lucky. Both of my parents are heavy- and forced to go on diets as kids, which, as far as they can tell (both are in the medical profession- father's a physician) turned on some of the epigenes which were then passed on to me. As such, both my sister and I have been raised see that beauty is NOT weight based. So, I'm heavy. Apparently I don't look nearly as heavy as I am though, because I have a large (read, LARGE- I should be about two inches taller, my torso is disproportionate to the rest of my body) I weigh about the same as my 6' uncle (though he's lost weight since he got a divorce in the process from his psycho-bitch wife)- and I don't eat as well as I should, though I don't eat a lot. (I have to snack regularly to keep my hypoglycemia under con troll though. That's probably one of my undoings. And that I like junk food. I'm trying to go more organic/unprocessed which I believe will help)

Unfortunately I've gained about about 30 (I think? I dunno. I avoid the scale and only had to use it to get state ID... I don't drive XD) pounds in the last two years due to a number of illnesses one after another (Seriously, this has been hell for me). I've been working out 3 a week for.... two months about? For 50 minuets, so I'm hoping to gain back muscle mass (I have some back) and loose a bit of this flab. On top of it I have the sneaking suspicion that becoming one of those super-uber healthy people that does a 10 mile hike "just because" will be the only way to get my asthma/allergies and chronic pain under control. I've been asthmatic my whole life, and, of course, it's exercise induced.

Anyway, thank you for reminding me, once again there are good people out there.

<3 you're beautiful.

edit

right? i seriously have a mental block that allows me to believe that everyone is so beautiful in their own skin but for some reason i'm just some fucking monster.

honestly gtfo because that was just uncalled for. not a single person that i know is aware of my disorder. do you have an eating disorder? have you ever fucking gone through it? i seriously can't believe this shit. good job looking like a complete asshole. nobody wants your fucking pity. we didn't ask you. i made this so that we can help support each other and let it out because guess what?? it isn't easy to talk about because people like you say "oh just EAT SOMETHING it isn't that hard get over yourself" go fuck yourself. you're lucky you don't have any mental block that is completely out of your hands. you think we aren't trying our best to get better? you think it's as simple as just eating something? do you want to know how i feel when i eat? like a goddamn pig, like i just gained 500 pounds that will never go away, i feel weak, like i have no will, like i'm not trying hard enough, like i gave in and submitted to the hunger. then i go puke and feel better. glorifying our existence? where is this even coming from? i hope you never say this to another person with an ED because you're being really fucking hurtful. we're not trying to be original or brave, we're not trying to get pity. especially not from assholes like you. it's a disorder. ever heard of it? you can't just get over it. really though, go fuck yourself. where do you get off on making other people feel like shit? do you really think we haven't heard it all before? do you think this makes it any fucking easier?

subeta team - hope you don't ban me, i know i don't have any warnings left, but i can't help it, sorry. i don't talk about it anywhere else. so i hope i don't get banned. but if i do i understand

Hey guys, drop the attitudes. There's no need for this much snark and name-calling.

Or maybe they are trying to look for other people to connect with? -_-

I want to give you the biggest hug ever.

i'm sorry. thanks for not banning me. i'm just shaking with anger right now. i can't handle hearing that. i just can't. i am sorry though, i couldn't contain it.

thank you

I would type out a more elaborate and well-versed response to your post, but my brain's just still trying to process it. I'm not entirely sure how someone can say something so callous, and while it IS your opinion that you're within your rights to have, don't be surprised if others lash out at you for it. I can't blame at all for the way she responded because what you said can be considered EXTREMELY hurtful, ESPECIALLY to someone who's particularly sensitive to this kind of thing.

I honestly can't tell if this was the type of response you were purposefully trying to elicit or what. I'm just still at somewhat of a loss for words right now.

I'm not good with comforting people, all I can say is that I'm so sorry about that. I truly am.

I think maybe you're misinterpreting what people mean. YES, getting over your eating disorder and getting to a healthy weight can totally be done and people should work for it. But the disorder itself will never truly go away. Maybe the thoughts about weight loss will hide for a while, but they will creep back up. It's a thing people will always struggle with, maybe not so obviously if they are a healthy weight and are just fighting against thoughts telling them to eat less or to throw up. Like I say in my post below (edited after I posted to reply to you) I am currently a healthy weight and don't starve myself or make myself throw up, but I constantly have thoughts that I have to tell myself to ignore. Some days I tell myself I'm going to stop eating for a few days just for no reason. I've never given in and I don't think I will but.. yeah. It's just a sort of mentality people get into, and it's very hard to get out of.

This is so true.. I wouldn't say I have an eating disorder but I have some weird thoughts on weight. Everyone tells me I'm so stick skinny all the time, but when I look at myself I don't feel that skinny. I don't really feel fat either.. I just think I look meh. But I HATE when I say stuff to people like "Ugh I am so bloated today" or "These pants are too tight they're making me get love handles.." and I get a whole "WTF YOU ARE SO SKINNY LOOK AT ME OMG I AM SO MUCH BIGGER THAN YOU WTF!!" I seriously NEVER look at people and think they look fat. In fact I used to envy thicker arms. My arms don't gain any weight so they're very tiny and bony and I used to seriously wish I had.. fat arms. I thought they looked really good. And I like when people look sort of stronger and not like measly little twiggys and like they'd be fun to hug. I don't know why I think all these things are beautiful but for myself I can't stand it if I weigh more than 110 and even then I still want to lose weight. I've gotten a lot better with the negative thoughts since I got a boyfriend and realized guys seriously don't care what your body looks like.. though I still get very self concious in swim suits when everyone can see me.

Err I went off on a rant. Haha.

Anyway I totally agree with you. Along with this I also hate when someone has a eating disorder where they eat way too much and are obese, people say "Well why don't they just go exercise" ... people are just insensitive and stupid.

thank you so much i dont know what to say but your support means a lot.

you dont need to have an ED to have similar problems, im sorry about them. its hard. im here if you need someone to talk to. thank you, too

I mostly agree with you.

But you're drawing the distinction between people coping with/seeking help from eating disorders and those who are actually pro-ana/pro-mia.

I haven't seen one example of the sort of person you're talking about in the ana/mia community. All I see there is a haughty bunch of middle-to-upper class girls with awful personalities and complexes... I certainly don't believe that they "see the beauty in others, just not in themselves" -- they attack and degrade anyone with any visible body fat like a pack of rabid dogs.

But, then again, that's not exactly what you're discussing, so I'm just rambling.

It's the most frustrating thing in the world to see beauty in everyone but yourself. I find i'm constantly comparing myself to every person I see, everyone has something I don't. It's ridiculous. I do have those rare moments where I think I look okay but they don't last long.

It should be taken into account that alot of the people in ana/mia(I seriously hate those words) communities don't actually suffer from an eating disorder. They're just teenage girls who think if they try and starve themselfs they can look like models. Pro-ana/mia actully sickens me.

Ah, I see. That's even worse. :(

It's quite upsetting when you think about it. In some cases these crash diets can develop into full blown eating disorders.

i hate those people. so much. they just glorify our pain. make it look glamorous. it makes me sick

same. there isn't a single person that i see that i don't envy in one way or another. i hate it. i don't know if it'll ever go away/ i'm getting whinier and whinier but god dammit i can't handle it

Any body dysmorphic disorder sucks. Expressing anger, distaste, or dislike of something someone has no control over sucks. But I can understand trying to be supportive (Even if it comes off as dismissive or insulting) to someone with a disorder.

I'm sort of the opposite of you girls... I hit 5'6" by the age of 10, but my brain never quite got the memo that I was supposed to weigh more if I was taller, and while I might have technically hit puberty at 11, I didn't get anywhere near a female shape until I was about 16, and it didn't do anything spectacular ever. People liked telling me everything from I was clearly anorexic (So I stopped eating in public, because I couldn't take the ridicule, like i was a spectacle to watch when I ate a sandwich. Fucking vultures) to I must actually be a boy, because I was flat-chested. It's painful to think, "I shouldn't look like this," and have no way to fix it... It ends worse when you do have a way to "fix it" (Through eating disorders)

Luckily for me it got better. I still feel underweight (I weighed in at 121 yesterday, still 5'6") but instead of having someone tell me I'm anorexic and look like a boy, I have a man who tells me I should eat more (So he can lose weight ;D) and that he loves my hips and ass, which takes the spotlight off my still-lacking chest area.

It's impossible to live without fixing the skin you're in, if it feels wrong. I hope you guys can find a way to love yourselves as you are. I'm sure you're all perfect =)

The whole thing about eating disorders is they're not really rational. You can KNOW perfectly well that you are not alright- obviously. That's why it's called a DISORDER. Something is OUT OF ORDER. But fixing it and getting yourself back into 'working order' isn't easy, and sometimes even simple things seem impossible. It's not about seeking pity or attention. It's not about wanting to look like a model or fit into size 0 jeans. It's about a fucked up perception of food and/or your own body, or at least in my case that's what it is. It's seeking control for reasons you can't quite explain and reasons that you're not sure how to properly address.

This so much. I know everyone has their own struggles- perhaps you even have some of your own. Just try and imagine one of your own personal phobias. Scared of spiders? Scared of heights? Try being scared of food, something that is very NECESSARY for survival. Sometimes it's hard to even look at a plate of food because instead of food, sometimes all I can see are fats, carbs, and calories. I have my share of bad days, but that doesn't mean I don't have my good days either. Some days I feel strong and I can take a deep breath and eat fairly normally. I can be healthy. But there are other days where I feel greedy and selfish and huge for eating more than 500 calories a day. Sometimes you can eat a good meal and feel like you're alright, then a few minutes later you feel the fullness in your stomach and you just feel like you completely have let yourself lose control.

I don't think this thread made was AT ALL about "accept us because we don't want to change and never will!". A lot of people who have an ED know they need to change. Nobody WANTS to feel this way. It's not a fad, and I have no respect for people who encourage others to have an ED or do it to make themselves seem like a special snowflake. I'm not trying to victimize myself either- I'm just trying to talk to people I can RELATE to about something that obviously a lot of people (such as yourself) are completely insensitive and ignorant about. I don't share all of the details about my life online and I never will, trust me there are a lot of other tactics I could use if I was simply attention-whoring or something ridiculous. Nothing anyone has posted here screams "feel sorry for me!". Or at least that's how I feel.

I want to get better- I don't browse thinspo, I don't sit in my room and bawl about how sorry I feel for myself. I go out and I do my best to live a normal, functional life, and I'm doing pretty god damn good. I haven't told any of my friends IRL because although I want support to get better, I don't want people to feel sorry for me. Subeta is my one outlet where I can freely say what's on my mind and not have to care about what anyone thinks. It's cool and all that you feel so self-assured enough to say "I don't pity any of you" but please don't flatter yourself in thinking that we wanted your pity to begin with!

By this logic anyone who comes out looking for advice for any problem are only seeking people to reassure them of "self-pity". If someone makes a thread saying their cat/dog/relative died, do they only want attention? Chances are they just want comfort in their situation because they have limited people to talk to IRL. If someone asks for relationship advice they want just that, ADVICE, not judgement. Just think before you speak and do some research about EDs, honestly. Educate yourself before you speak.