Replies

Mar 26, 2016 10 years ago
Chiibi
is sweet
User Avatar

Welcome to The Prompt-A-Week Stop!

We provide a prompt once a week to challenge writers of all levels to PAWS! and practice writing.

Quote
"You&;ve been living a normal life until now. Now every morning you wake up in a new place, never able to speak the language of the natives."
Submitted by

❤️ Follow the rules set by the Writing forum, Subeta, and as follows.

❤️ We welcome critiques, and encourage a format of equal parts. For every weakness you point out, try to also point out a strength. Remember to offer ideas on how to strengthen something or change it. So rather than, “I don’t like this.” “I think it would be better if you did..”

❤️ Writers come in all kinds of flavors, be kind to one another.

❤️ Any Questions can be directed to ‘s PMs, Please label them, “Prompt Question!”

❤️ Prompt Ideas should be open-ended and unspecific enough to give a writer freedom.

❤️ Prompt Submissions can be any length, style, etc. Poems, Flash fiction, Longer stories, all accepted. If your submission ends up really long, consider using the spoiler tag.

We accept Prompt Ideas for each upcoming week!

Send a PM to labeled “Prompt Idea!”

We’ll be sending out a small prize for Prompt Ideas that are chosen!

(I tend to pick from people’s Wish List, in the million sP or under range.)

Please Label your Prompt Submission with either of these two buttons.

Critiques, Please!

OR

No Critiques, Please!

Now PAWS everything and go write!

Join our Group, , for Pings!

We ping when a new prompt is posted, when a week is ending soon, and at the end of a week.

Want to Support Us?

Use our Banner in your Signature!

Many Thanks to for providing our lovely buttons!

As well as to for ideas, advice and inspiration!

Feeling Down? Need a Friend? Message Me! I am a Safe-Space. I will not judge, I will be patient, & you can tell me anything. I can offer advice, or I can just be there. It's your call. But please, Make the Call. I'm always willing to be there for you. Love, Chiibi Dearling

Mar 26, 2016 10 years ago
Sofia
is made of stardust
User Avatar
Kalyna

Reserved! :D

CW ShopStyle File

Forum Art by


Mar 26, 2016 10 years ago
Chiibi
is sweet
User Avatar

Reserved and Open for Posting!

Also, Perhaps some of you would be interested in this?

Feeling Down? Need a Friend? Message Me! I am a Safe-Space. I will not judge, I will be patient, & you can tell me anything. I can offer advice, or I can just be there. It's your call. But please, Make the Call. I'm always willing to be there for you. Love, Chiibi Dearling

Mar 27, 2016 10 years ago
Nobody tosses
Yorick
User Avatar
Puffy

You know I'm interested :P FYI the critique/no critique buttons are missing D: So, since the buttons are temporarily missing **:

CRITIQUE PLEASE

Lets see, oh bless me it's my own prompt. Ok I'm writing this just here and it still turned out long D:

Stray

The rain drummed down on the road, a rapid tattoo on Jeanne's nerves. She pushed sodden black hair out of her icy face, her brown eyes glaring at the world indiscriminately. It had been one of those days. Her alarm clock was broken so she overslept. Her boss at the gas station called telling her she'd had her shifts switched. Nearly every customer had been troublesome, angry, drunk or high. To top it all off she'd missed the last bus and now it was raining. Jeanne stomped angrily through a puddle, frigid dank water sloshing into her purple Doc Martin boots.

Then she heard it.
The whimper of pain cut through Jeanne's irritation, and her common sense alike. She abandoned the road and strode into the trees. Darkness enveloped her and she closed her eyes in favor of hearing. Following the sound, Jeanne carried on despite tripping or blindly bumping into trees. Opening her eyes she didn't find the drenched and wounded animal she had expected to help.

The girl that Jeanne saw crouching under a tree was... different. She was bedraggled as anyone would have been out in that rain, that much was true, but she was lovely. It was eerie, she shouldn't have looked beautiful enough to shatter a heart with mud in her hair and bloodied hands. Still her skin seemed so soft under the grime, and her eyes glowed silver despite the darkness. Jeanne could have dismissed the oddness of the beauty in favor of first aid for the girl's hands...but for one thing. When the girl turned towards Jeanne, as startled as Jeanne was, Jeanne saw her ears. They were pointed.

Jeanne blinked, and blinked again. It was a faerie. In 2016. Um, what? Jeanne knew herself to be sane and rather down-to-earth. She wasn't imagining this. Ok, she could deal with this. I mean what's dealing with a wounded member of the fae compared to facing down a meth-head ex-boyfriend? Jeanne squared her shoulders and tried to relax her shocked expression into something comforting.

"Hello. I'm Jeanne. Are you alright?" Jeanne asked quietly "No." The girl sniffled holding up her injured hands "I displeased one of the Gentry." Jeanne nodded as if she understood, "Come with me? I'll get you out of the rain and help your hands." "You can heal?" the fearie girl perked up. Jeanne snorted "No, but I do have bandages. Come on, it's too cold out to have this conversation here." The girl shivered and nodded too "Agreed. Lead on, human."

Jeanne always knew she was a sucker for taking in strays (her previously rescued three legged cat and blind mutt were testament to that) she just never realized she'd end up with a stay faeire. Who knew one of those crappy days could end up with the start of a whole new adventure?

** Forgot I hadn't fixed the spoiler tags in my custom CSS yet D:

They/Them

Mar 27, 2016 10 years ago
Chiibi
is sweet
User Avatar

Thanks for Posting! :3 I really liked the concept of this Prompt, it was open ended enough to leave twists for people to take.

As for your Prompt Response! You use some really beautiful diction and I think that keeps me intrigued in your piece. I was surprised to see we were in a modern day setting, but even more surprised to see you bring fantasy into that. I liked it though!

I think you took a small risk there because it can be hard to meld the world we know well and expect certain things from vs. the fantasy world where anything can happen. There's also a fine line to keeping us in tune with the modern aspect of the story because once you add in touches of fantasy we begin to lose touch with the expectations we initially came to a modern-day story with.

I would consider switching into Jeanne's personal thoughts in the 4th paragraph. You write a little casually as if following her thoughts but it's unclear to me if that's your(the narrator's) voice or Jeanne's. Consider italicizing if it is her thoughts or using her thoughts to add a little flavor if it isn't.

"A faerie? In 2016? Um..what? Jeanne thought to herself, trying to rationalize her sanity, "She is definitely real. Definitely. Ok, I can deal with this. I got this..." As an example.

The one portion I find myself having trouble reading is the part where your two characters converse. This could just be me, but I hate the use of a simple "Hello" It reads very strait-laced and uptight. If I were to make changes, I would make Jeanne's speech a little more casual on that one initial greeting. This is a girl just off work from a really crappy day who is used to BS from her job. The likelihood of her talking so strait-laced even as just a greeting while shocked is slim. Also if I'm reading her personality right, she's used to dealing with some random BS and just compared that to this situation, so she's mentally normalizing the situation. It's the difference between, "Hello. I'm Jeanne. Are you Alright?" and "Hey.. hey there. You okay?" This also helps your speech not feel so strait-laced in comparison to your characters body language and adds a tone of comfort.

Faerie gets spelled differently a few times in the piece, so go back and check on that. Could be misspellings, but I'm not hip on the fantasy spelling words these days.

Overall, I'm really intrigued and would definitely keep reading on at this point so you execute the prompt really well in my opinion and having hooked me(your reader at the moment) is a good sign!

Feeling Down? Need a Friend? Message Me! I am a Safe-Space. I will not judge, I will be patient, & you can tell me anything. I can offer advice, or I can just be there. It's your call. But please, Make the Call. I'm always willing to be there for you. Love, Chiibi Dearling

Mar 27, 2016 10 years ago
Nobody tosses
Yorick
User Avatar
Puffy

I'm going to own up to something. I really admire Holly Black's ability to blend modern with high fantasy, so I wanted to give it a spin. I think it's even similar to a scene in her books, though going a different direction and different characters ect. D: I really really appreciate the critique! It was so positive, encouraging and well thought out ^-^ It made me happy to read it :* I also really like many of the suggestions you made (all the suggestions). I had a LOT of trouble with the dialogue, everything sounds forced in my opinion. Mostly because it was pretty forced when I wrote it. I think that your alterations there will make it more emotionally accessible. I believe that your suggestion on making it clear where her thoughts begin/end is also a very good one.

THANK YOU! Looking forward to next week already <3

They/Them

Mar 29, 2016 10 years ago
Epitome
User Avatar

Hi guys, I'm Riley. This looks like a great idea! I've been meaning to get back into writing for a while now, so hopefully this will give me the nudge I need. Here goes!

Part 1 It was perfectly fine this morning: 75 and sunny-- a weather man’s ironic version of a wet dream. I can barely see my own feet now in all this rain. I sweartagod if these freak pop-up storms don’t stop happening I’m just never gonna to leave the apartment. I’m soaked through like a Shamu spit victim and all I’ve got for a coat is some flimsy little trash bag the library didn’t mind splitting with. My books are probably screwed anyway; It’s a long walk home.

My shoes ooze mud with every step I take along the highway. I’d be better off in the street than in the grass, but the last thing I need is for some asshole to come speeding down 926 and send a tidal wave of road water my way. Besides, the trees provide at least a bit of coverage from this monsoon-wannabe. Until the wind blows. Then it’s a fresh heaping of H2O to the face. Like now. As if I weren’t soaked enough from this storm. If what they say about April is true, May better turn this trash heap into a fucking garden.

I try wiping my glasses off on my shirt, but both of them are too wet to do any good. Instead of attempting to look out the world’s blurriest window, I fold them up and put them in my…”Shit!” I feel them slip from my fingers and the word is instantly out of my mouth. Before I can even attempt to catch them, I know they’re gone. Still, I drop to the ground, blindly sorting through grass and dirt in the hopes of feeling something plastic. It’s useless. In this rain, they’ve already been carried off further than I can search.

Blind in a rainstorm—sounds like either the title of some bullshit modern art piece or Velma from Scooby Doo’s autobiography. Or even worse, an art piece based on Velma’s autobiography. Nevertheless, I plunge blindly into the gray nothingness that is this town anytime it rains. Besides the whizzing of passing cars and the soft roar of the rain, the town is dead silent. No children screaming, no cursing in five different languages, no car horns, no… birds. And that’s when it hit me, the slow realization my mind was piecing together this whole time; Yes, it is possible for this town to get even more lame than it already is. In a little over a year I’ll be outta here for good, but until then… Well, until then I guess I’m just gonna get wet.

Aside from my glasses, this rain’s about had it with the rest of me as well. My shoes are long soaked through, and my pants might have had a chance if I was a little taller, but lucky for me, jeans soaked to the knee is a luxury handed out only to the shorties. Call it my birthright.

In any case, I’m still a mile out from home and the rain’s not letting up. The trees get a little thicker further from the road, so I decide to venture into the woods. I know I should just keep heading home, but I’m tried. This weather just drains it right out of me. I find a suitable tree and pop a squat on its lowest limb, just high enough to get me outta this mud.

“Hell yeah,” I mutter, as body finally feels a breeze that doesn’t bring a gallon of rain alongside it. My voice isn’t the only thing to break the silence though. The first one was low, subtle. Just a simple pop, could have been anything. Tree branch maybe? There was some rustling in through the trees, but there it was again. Pop! Pop! Two this time, in rapid succession, followed by a soft, but undeniable thud.

Eyes squinting, I tried looking for the source of the noise, but without my glasses it was a hopeless effort. I could sense the general direction, but there was no way of knowing what was happening without getting closer. Like picking at a scab, this was one itch that just had to be scratched, damn the consequences.

Part 2 in next post

Edit: Ah! I didn't know it wouldn't let me post twice in a row. That's never been an issue for me xD Guess I'll wait until someone else posts for part 2



Mar 30, 2016 10 years ago
Chiibi
is sweet
User Avatar

Hey! So glad to see you participating! I hope this takes off :3 Feel free to invite friends too! And here's a post so you can post part 2!

If anyone else has trouble posting their whole thing, I recommend using Google Docs to save it and get a shareable link from that! :3

Feeling Down? Need a Friend? Message Me! I am a Safe-Space. I will not judge, I will be patient, & you can tell me anything. I can offer advice, or I can just be there. It's your call. But please, Make the Call. I'm always willing to be there for you. Love, Chiibi Dearling

Mar 30, 2016 10 years ago
Epitome
User Avatar

Thanks for the post! ^^ And a Google Doc is a great idea. I'll definitely do that next time if it goes longer. Anyway, onto part 2!

Part 2 I picked up my bag and plopped down on the ground, making my way towards the direction of the noise. The popping had stopped completely, but there was a little more rustling and the sound of… footsteps? Possibly. That’s the best I got—no guess as to person or animal. I can’t make out much more that colors, save for the plants right in front of me, but I think I’m getting closer. There just better not be poison ivy in this woods because I sweartagod that is the absolute last thing my body needs right now. I’ll be lucky if I don’t catch a cold from this mess, let alone…

I felt something, something warm. My body tenses and I stop, clutching my breath, trying not to make a single sound, and praying that the sound of my heart rapidly trying to power a jet engine is all in my head. I turn slowly, but recoil immediately at the sight.

It’s an arm, most definitely human. As my breath struggles to catch up to my thoughts, I look at the body it’s connected to. Male, young. Maybe 15? And fuck, yeah, and a hole right through his brain. No amount Law and Order could have prepared me for this. Shit. Fuck shit goddamned expletive, what am I gunna do?

My head turned around rapidly, looking for anyone else. Who shot him? Are they still there? Can anyone help?! Nothing. Whoever it was, they must have left as soon as the deed was done. I know I need to check to see if he’s somehow still alive, but I can’t. My hands are shaking and if I have to look at him again I won’t be able to hold the vomit down. It’s not what it looks like on TV. It’s not clean, it’s not… it’s, it’s more spread. Internally too, like his blood vessels just shattered and the pieces rippled throughout his face. His face, I can’t… I just.

I have to stop. I have to get control of my breathing. I’m in the woods, I can’t see, and there’s this…

I take off. I don’t even know where I’m going at this point, I just keep running towards what I think is the highway. People, I just need to be around other people and tell someone, and it’ll be okay. I’m slipping all over the place like a drunk puppy on ice, but I don’t care. Scraped knees beat a bullet in the back any day.

Lights! I see lights. I must be getting close to the highway. My feet pound into the dirt as I try to outrun this day, outrun this rain, outrun this fucking little town. Tires squeal to a break as my feet hit the pavement. A car fishtails out in front, stopping a few feet in front of me.

“Hey, the hell ya think ya doin’? Watch where-“ The man pauses as he sees me, a young girl, scraped, soaked, and covered in mud, no doubt my face dripping in desperation. “Get in, I’ll take you into town,” he says solemnly. No questions, just the silent recognition that something has happened and a foreboding sense of obligation on both our behalves.

It was perfectly fine this morning. 75 degrees and sunny.

This would probably be part of a longer text, probably a mystery of sorts, but it was getting pretty long so I figured I'd end it (be it a bit abruptly). Anyway, tell me what you think! I'd love some feedback.

Also, , here's the forum if you're interested :)



Mar 31, 2016 10 years ago
Shanty
is made of stardust
User Avatar
Hyougukou

thanks :)

[IMG]http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z35/MonicaRafael34/96095.jpg[/IMG]

Mar 31, 2016 10 years ago
Epitome
User Avatar

No problem! I hope you join, it looks fun :)

First, happy birthday! Second, I like your prompt. I love mixing fantasy with reality, and I think you did a really good job starting with the known, human world and slowly easing the fantasy elements in. I’m sure as this story progressed, we (the readers) would slowly learn about this fantasy realm through Jeanne’s eyes, and I think that’s a very smart story-telling technique that you’ve set up.

I do agree with Chiibi that the point of view of the narrator needs to be resolved a bit. I would either fix it completely on Jeanne and integrate her thoughts into the narrative, or keep it as a pure third-person and include some more of her thoughts into the piece as a whole. I typically do this using italics, but there’s a bunch of other ways to go about it.

Another thing I would try to keep your eye on is your attention to detail. Make sure the details you include significantly contribute to the story. For example, is it really that important that Jeanne is specifically wearing Doc Martins or that one of her previous boyfriends was a drug addict? If it is, I’d elaborate more, but if not, I’d take them out altogether since it can be a bit distracting. Meanwhile, I’d add details in other places, specifically about her actions and interactions with other characters. When Jeanne is first meeting with the faerie, what is she doing? Does she kneel down to the faerie’s level, or is she standing over her? She’s saying something to her quietly, but why or how? What are her hands doing when she’s talking, what’s her body language, etc. I know I definitely struggle with this myself, and it’s a lot easier to edit these things in or out at the end than it is to include them initially. :)

Overall, I like what you're doing and I’d definitely read more. You’ve placed some good hooks in there with “the Gentry,” whoever they may be, which keeps the reader guessing and wanting more. You have a strong grasp on who your character is as well, and that really shows through in your writing. At the end of the day, I think we really connect to stories through the characters, so it's so important that they be well fleshed out and you've accomplished that for sure.

Looking forward to reading your response to next week's prompt ^^



Mar 31, 2016 10 years ago
Chiibi
is sweet
User Avatar

Thanks for adding a critique into the mix for Dot's post! You gave some really good advice! I hope maybe I'll see one from you again when mine is finally up! But don't feel pressured, only if you have time and would like too! I just finished reading yours and overall I like it. My critique got a bit long so I'm going to use the spoiler tag here.

SPOILER (click to toggle) The narrative being done by the main character is often hard to pull off, and I'll admit I've often avoided it because it's intimidating to try and ride the fence between being too casual and not casual enough to display your main character's personality, but I think you do this very well in your piece. The only pet peeve I have with it is the use of "Sweartagod" I think this is one place it gets a little too casual and would be just as effective to use "swear to God" if only for clarity reading it, because it trips me up in the flow of things. Although it's a small thing and I would wait to see if others agree with me before changing it. I feel like you also have some incomplete sentences in there, and while I understand again that it's trying to follow the narrator's voice, I think it could be executed better. For Example, you say,


Quote
Until the wind blows. Then it’s a fresh heaping of H2O to the face. Like now. As if I weren’t soaked enough from this storm.
I think you could condence this and have the same effect, with less of a pause. I also as a rule try to avoid using Like as much as possible because it's generally clutter.
Quote
Until the wind blows and then it’s a fresh heaping of H2O to the face, as if I weren’t soaked enough from this storm.
My other note is that you could mix in the main character's body language to also emphasize their voice if you feel like the change I suggested leaves out some of their personality. You could add a note about them rolling their eyes or sighing heavily at the end of the last sentence we just talked of, or them cringing as the wind blows the fresh heap of H20 on to them. You use this alot throughout, but I recognize that in that particular paragraph you don't have as much of it. Which I should add, I like how often you use creative descriptions of the character's state of being as well as their actions. I'm gonna suspect you're a fellow glasses-wearer because I was grimacing at the main character trying to dry off their glasses with their soaked shirt. I really felt that struggle having been on a bike in the pouring down rain/snow in the early morning darkness and trying to decide, "Do I want to wear these and risk becoming a traffic accident or take them off and risk becoming a traffic accident?" Strangely enough, I think my relation to this epidemic here is my favorite part of the whole thing. I'm definitely left with intrigue to want to know what happened and to read more. I like that you can feel the main character's panic and general terror through the slipping around and not aware of everything happening because of the lack of glasses. It puts you in her shoes and makes you see things from her eyes, and that's imperative in this moment. I walk out of this scene as lost and frightened as your main character, eager to find my own glasses in this story and know what has happened and I echo the sense of panic, screaming alongside her, "Run, No! Stop slipping! Go, Get in the car! Get in the car! Go, go, go!" That power to make your reader get lost in what you've written and want to yell at the story is impressive and one of the main reason's I like Edgar Allan Poe. He uses this effect of short and scattered sentence from the main character's voice as a narration and it has a really panicking effect on the reader. I feel like I see some of this in your piece and reccommend checking out some of his stories to learn more about this technique if you haven't already. "The Tell-Tale Heart" has a prime example and is a shorter story, perhaps my favorite in fact. Another great thing to ask yourself in writing suspense is "How many of the senses am I throwing at my reader?" Honestly, it's helpful with any writing but I think especially useful here. Sight, Smell, Hearing, Taste and Touch. You use a lot of hearing and sight, but I see very little smell, touch and taste. Taste could be hard to implement here obviously, but you have a world of smells to consider as well as the sensation of the things your main is touching. Be careful of thinking that sight is touch. It's the difference between, "Still, I drop to the ground, blindly sorting through grass and dirt in the hopes of feeling something plastic. It’s useless. In this rain, they’ve already been carried off further than I can search." and "Still, I drop to the ground, blindly sorting the wet grass and dirt under my freezing fingertips, hoping to feel the hard plastic of my glasses instead of all this mush. It's useless. I cringe as I recognize they've been carried off further than I can search and no amount of kneading the the slick grass into the doughy mud in this pouring rain will find them either." I feel like that's kind of a weak example on my part, but does it make sense? The overall idea is to use a better mix of character's thought process as well as the 5 senses to convey the scene without losing clarity through the casual voice of the narrator/main and without losing too much of the main's voice through descriptions. I think that's all I can come up with, and even then most of what I offer is a judgement call, a "Consider this idea," rather than a "You need to fix this!" I hope I helped in some way. Thank you again for participating and also for bringing a friend into the mix!

Feeling Down? Need a Friend? Message Me! I am a Safe-Space. I will not judge, I will be patient, & you can tell me anything. I can offer advice, or I can just be there. It's your call. But please, Make the Call. I'm always willing to be there for you. Love, Chiibi Dearling

Apr 2, 2016 10 years ago
Nobody tosses
Yorick
User Avatar
Puffy

I am so so sorry for the delay I kept thinking "I'll thank them properly after I get rid of these masque notifications." .-. Yeah I'm sure you can figure out how that went, running uphill and all that. Thank you for your birthday wishes too ^-^

Critique: That was a fantastic critique. I think the best part of that critique was the mention of my details. It's something I'm trying to find a good balance on, and this time I just didn't give the story proper attention in editing. >-< I think some of the details were ones I meant to expand upon, but didn't. D: Other details just escaped my attention. Here's hoping for learning from this!

Story: Your story blew my mind. It was so vivid and emotionally accessible! You pulled from so many experiences that most folks have had, then BOOM! Wonderful execution and fabulous choice. I'm afraid I don't have anything really constructive. ^-^;; WAIT I think you missed a couple of points where you shifted verb tenses. That's something to keep an eye on because while it didn't really detract from the story it might cause problems down the road.... yeah that's about it right now. :P

Cheers for next week!

They/Them

Apr 2, 2016 10 years ago
Chiibi
is sweet
User Avatar

So, I wrote mine and then ended up at 6 pages and counting. I'm only going to ask people to read up to the first line break, but if you feel like/or enjoy it enough to keep reading, please feel free.

Merlint's Voidal

Also, , I will be extending this week for one extra week to allow time to build a bit more response to the PAWS! Idea. A New Prompt Will Be Posted on April 9th. No exceptions! Please also feel free to tag any friends who might have interest, etc. We need all the support we can get.

Feeling Down? Need a Friend? Message Me! I am a Safe-Space. I will not judge, I will be patient, & you can tell me anything. I can offer advice, or I can just be there. It's your call. But please, Make the Call. I'm always willing to be there for you. Love, Chiibi Dearling

Apr 2, 2016 10 years ago
Sofia
is made of stardust
User Avatar
Kalyna

I'll ping some friends!

Hello ! Maybe you want to check this out? :D

CW ShopStyle File

Forum Art by


Apr 2, 2016 10 years ago
Nobody tosses
Yorick
User Avatar
Puffy

I'm at the first page break and wanted to write my thoughts before they faded. I really like the unexpected way it started with a storm and ended in an ocean(?) oUo I think that was a heck of a ride. I also like that it's a different take on fantasy(or Scifi). ^-^

My suggestions are mostly grammatical to help clarify the fun piece of writing this is.

Quote by Chiibi
Some short cut this is, I thought to myself, I should&;ve known, Ally is a track star eand thought nature and the sun were the best thing on earth.
This might benefit from review with verb tenses and run on sentences in mind. The thoughts behind them are strong, it's just a matter of clarity.

Alternate example: "Some shortcut this is," I thought to myself. "I should've known! Ally is a track star and thought nature and the sun were the best things on Earth." For the example, the verb tenses are still different looking at the big picture, but they are consistent with the sentence they are in.

In the second paragraph she is talking about what she dislikes. This section's transition confused me for a second. Both sentence fragments are dislikes, but the order of her mentioning she liked rain could be changed?

Quote by Chiibi
... anytime the parents wanted to go into Seattle for some &quot;fun&quot; we had to fight insane amounts of traffic. Normally, I even liked the rain but today had turned into one of those rare torrential downpours...

Alternate Example: "Anytime the parents wanted to go into Seattle for some "fun" we had to fight insane amounts of traffic. Added to that was the rain. I usually liked it, but today had turned into one of those rare torrential downpours."

Peaked vs piqued.

So yeah that's pretty much it. Tip of the hat for a good start m'dear! <3

They/Them

Apr 3, 2016 10 years ago
Epitome
User Avatar

Thank you so much for the great critique! First person narration has always been hard for me, which is why I particularly wanted to choose it and work on it. Your tip about the senses are super useful, and I'll definitely go back and revisit the specific areas you pointed out ^^ I'll edit with a critique of yours once I finish reading.

Thank you, that means so much! I'll be sure to go back and double check me tenses :)



Apr 4, 2016 10 years ago
roomba
USED DYNAMITE
User Avatar
Epiphany

Oooohhhh, I wanna join!

Do I need to do anything?

Apr 4, 2016 10 years ago
Chiibi
is sweet
User Avatar

Not particularly, Just when you post your prompt response remember to mark it for whether you would like others to critique it or not with the right banner.

If you would like updates when new prompts come out, or when deadlines for current prompts are almost up, etc. Join our group which you can find a link too in the first post.

Any other rules and guidelines can also be found in the main post. :) Glad to have a new face here :3

Glad I could help. :3 I look forward to your critique! I've done a little bit of editing here and there after discussing more of Dot's critique with her. And I keep writing more to it. I'm shocked that I'm able to keep coming up with more of this as I'm going. o.o;

Feeling Down? Need a Friend? Message Me! I am a Safe-Space. I will not judge, I will be patient, & you can tell me anything. I can offer advice, or I can just be there. It's your call. But please, Make the Call. I'm always willing to be there for you. Love, Chiibi Dearling

Apr 9, 2016 10 years ago
If ever a whiz there was
MadmanWithABox
is a whiz because
User Avatar

A Whole New World Lorena sat inside The Worn Barrel trying to drink away all her pain and misery. She was a common sight; always there at least twice a week and always drinking their strongest drink, Whiskey Five Alpha. Tonight, she drank glass after glass, trying to forget recent events.

She had gone home to find her boyfriend, Alexander, sitting in the living room, high, with drug paraphernalia everywhere. She tried to get him to clean up before the Sentinel came by on their patrol, but he suddenly got angry. He started shouting about how she was ruining his “good time” and hit her across the face. He paused for a second with a blank look on his face. Lorena hoped that was all that was going to happen this time, but Alexander proved them wrong. He kept beating her until she was on the floor, bruised, broken, and bloody. It wasn’t until he saw her this way that he realized his “good time” wasn’t over yet. He picked her up, almost gently, and carried her to the bedroom.

After Alexander’s “good time” was over and he had passed out, Lorena limped to the bathroom. She stepped into the shower, but she could barely feel the water on her skin, which was already starting to bruise. This had happened so many times before, that she didn’t feel anything anymore. All she felt was numb. She got out, put makeup and fresh clothes on to cover the bruises, and left the house heading for the same bar as always.

“I wish I could get a new life. One without all this pain.” Lorena thought, while staring into her almost empty glass and not noticing her death-like grip. Her misery had started long before she met Alexander. Ever since she was six years old, her father would hit her every time she did something wrong. Her mother died while giving birth to her, and he blamed her for it. By age 10, he started taking her into his bedroom. He would say she looked like her mother and even called out his late-wife’s name. Lorena shook her head to rid herself of her thoughts and finished her glass all at once. She sighed and internally fought with herself. “I should probably go back home. Alexander should be awake by now and all evidence of what transpired should be gone. But, I really don’t want to go back to him just yet. I could take the long route, but it has started to rain and that would definitely not help my current condition.”

After mulling it over in her head, Lorena decided to take the long route home. She found that she was not ready to go back to Alexander just yet.

As Lorena slowly walked along the side of the road, staggering here and there, the landscape went from urban to greenery. This, along with the constant tapping of the rain, helped her to relax. She always loved being out in nature. It made her feel free and she was able to escape her miserable life, if only for a little while. The smile on her face suddenly disappeared as she heard a sound. She stopped. It sounded like rustling. Something was in the trees next to her. Lorena stood as quietly as possible, hoping that whatever it was would go away. The rustling stopped, but before she could do anything, a fox appeared. But, it wasn’t just any fox. It had nine tails and was translucent. Lorena sighed in relief. This nine-tailed fox gave off a calming aura so she knew it wasn’t going to hurt her. It stopped in front of her and stared intently at her for a minute. Slowly, it began to turn towards the road. It looked back towards her once before it darted across the road, where it sat and watched her. “Does it want me to follow it?” she asked herself. She tentatively took a step forward. The fox didn’t move. She kept walking, but as soon as she got to the middle of the road, there was a brilliant flash of light.

Once Lorena reached the other side of the road, she was surrounded by strange creatures. Small, skeletal-like beings shaking their heads with rattling sounds appeared in the trees. Large rabbits with facial markings and dragonfly wings attached to their head were flying around. Whales were also floating in the sky and moving like they were swimming in the ocean. All of these creatures were translucent, just like the nine-tailed fox sitting next to her. All of a sudden, Lorena realized that she no longer felt numb from pain. She felt lighter like a massive weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She looked around again, this time in awe. “Is this a new world that I can finally escape to?”

The fox waited till Lorena had overcome her shock, then started walking further into the forest. Lorena followed, excited to experience this new world.

———————————————————————————————————————————————— The next day, a body was found. It was a female about 26 years old. Her body was covered in bruises and she had several broken bones. A car hit her while she had been crossing the road and kept going towards its destination. A wallet was found in one of her pockets and it identified the body as Lorena Grey.

Need Holiday items? Check out the Seasonal Trading Outpost!

Please log in to reply to this topic.