So tonight, one of my best friends who I've known for 8 years was seemingly presented by an ultimatum by his girlfriend; me or her. He chose her.

A few weeks ago she threw one of her usual drama tantrums fueled by her paranoia towards the lot of his female friends. She claimed that those other female friends and I had talked about her behind her back about her hat - in reality, she had thrown a tantrum at another person because of that hat and I asked "What's the deal with the hat?" (to which her boyfriend replied that it was her favorite hat and it had been expensive and that was pretty much it). She usually has him deal with people she's mad at for her, but I have been tired of playing along with her games for quite a while, and I proclaimed that I wasn't going to deal with any more drama antics from her side. It seemingly didn't damage the friendship I had with him (it seemed like he had dealt with the situation himself, that the fight had been pretty severe and that he was sick of all the drama too), things have been fine between him and I lately, and this evening I was invited for tea and board games with some of our mutual friends at his place. I was only there for five minutes before she called, and by the sound of the other end of the phone she blew a fuse because I was at his place. He said it was probably best we went to another friend's place, and that he'd join us in a while. Nothing seemed wrong, but he called my friend and said he wasn't coming. Then an hour later I receive a message from his number, but very obviously written by her, that said that our friendship was over and that I would be deleted everywhere and that I shouldn't contact him again. I replied: "That's nice, her name. I hope you'll be happy together.". Partly to be the bigger person, partly to make them both aware that I know exactly what happened.

I've seen it coming for a while. It seems to me like it's an unfamiliar unpleasantry to not get her way. The friendship he has now sacrificed to keep her has never been romantic or sexual in any way. I just can't wrap my head around how you can force someone to make such a choice and also claim to love them. There's just a big red flag in my head that screams abusive relationship, but there's really nothing I can do about it, and frankly I'm kind of relieved to be out of it, because I am so done with her being a drama queen.

I should probably mention that my friend is 23 and his girlfriend just turned 18. It's her first relationship, so I understand that there might be some insecurity there, but there has to be a limit. There is a friend group we're both a part of, the girlfriend little to none at all, and we are all 21-23. Apart from the drama, the conversation between them seems to be relatively disrespectful from her part imo, I don't know how it is when they're alone. Last week I talked to him about his birthday (his birthday is on the 24th and it's tradition that his best friends and family are invited for brunch, I've been there 6 years in a row and always brought him tacky bird toys because that's our tradition and he had already invited me, but this year she had proclaimed that if I was there, she wouldn't be) and I told him that whatever he decided, I would be understanding of that. I'm hoping that also applies to this situation. Right now, I'm just feeling relieved about being unburdened.

This was very ranty, but oh my god, fucking shdhsidofjosjf. Has this happened to anyone before? Any similar experiences?

UPDATE; My friend has now talked to him, and he has confirmed that this is exactly what has happened, and that he's working to figure out a solution to this, as he doesn't wish to lose our friendship and wants to play boardgames and drink tea for many years to come. So it's not solved yet, but I'm glad to hear that my suspicions were spot on.

Man, that sucks.

This hasn't happened to me, but I also don't have any really close guy friends...

I don't know if this is any solace to you, but it seems to me like this relationship between your friend and his girlfriend won't last too long, anyway. I mean, she's 18 and it's her first relationship, and doesn't exactly seem like a catch.

As for similar experiences, I both had to deal with friends' abusive gfs and with myself being an emotional abuser when I was younger... Though my partner is kinda abusive / manipulative sometimes as well, so I guess we suit each other. Overall, abusive or semi-abusive relationships seem to be surprisingly common. I'm not sure how I personally feel about this. Too much messed up stuff going on between people who claim to love each other :p

I appreciate the sympathy nonetheless c: They have been together for about a year and a half, but I'm also hopeful that this was somewhat of an eyeopener to him.

I highly doubt this was done without his knowledge, but it has happened in the past that she has written to other people through his facebook for an example, so I'm definitely not going to rule it out. It seemed like a bad idea to call, I didn't really want to get him into further trouble and I didn't really feel like talking to her either. I have to agree that it seems common, he's not the only friend I have who is in such a relationship, but the others I know aren't even half as bad.

I'm sorry to hear! You situation truly stinks!

I've lost and/or damaged a few long-time friendships because of mine or their relationship issues. It's tough for both friends involved. But when you're "in love" you're in love and what can you do? Gotta support the ones you wanna be with but there's a hard place when you also want to keep your friends happy. People make silly mistakes but I think if your friend's girl doesn't smarten up soon, she'll lose him.

I think he should be at a different stage in his life by this point I mean, for me, dating an 18 year old/barely "legal"/fresh out of high school type person would not be my thing. I'm only 24 and I would not see myself hanging out with people that age. Hmmm yeah well, let's hope he grows out of it and doesn't lose you as a friend in the end of it all.

I see. And yeah, I think it's understandable why you didn't want to call then. Dealing with drama queens can indeed be very exhausting.

Yeah I realise that there's really nothing I can do about that, it has to come from himself. When they got together, he had just gotten out of a longterm LDR where there had been little to no intimacy for a good while. She had had her eyes on him for a while, and only days after his breakup with his ex, she swooped in with open arms, offering him everything the ex had denied him. That greatly explains why he fell for her imo.

Indeed ._.

Oh yes, that definitely explains a lot. He's blinded by her charms, and I'm sure she loves him too. She sounds, well, obviously young, and she may not have a lot or any real relationship experience which probably causes her to be insecure of her current relationship. I know drama sucks, but you might have to try to get on her good side, reassure her you just want your friend to be happy and it shouldn't matter if you're the opposite gender, some of my best friends and longest friendships are with dudes! They're muh bros :3 But maybe she doesn't understand and is probably jealous of your connection with her boyfriend. UGH some kids, eh? It's frustrating for sure! I wish you luck hon <3

I agree with you there, that is most definitely what she's on about, but I've already tried the befriending approach and it almost ended up as horrible as this. Thank you for the luck though :) <3

Maybe she'll come around but :( ... more than likely your friend will start losing touch with you ... if and when that happens, and that sucks, at least you can drop a text or voice mail his way every so often to keep in touch and maybe if she doesn't last he'll still have you as a bud.

As an awesome lady with awesome guy friends, sometimes that is the downside to them getting significant others. I've had girls text me from my friends' phone trying to convince me that he suddenly doesn't want to be my friend anymore after six years,.. it was laughable. I did laugh. And then I called my friend straightaway and asked him and his voice if he really didn't want to be my friend anymore. His response? "What are you talking about?" She didn't last long, which was good, because she was obviously very paranoid and acted upon it.

I've also had girls straight up demand me to stop talking to my friend just because they were newly dating. It's ridiculous, so I do understand! Either your friend will realize he's missing out on having his friend around or he won't. I hope he'll soon open his eyes to how young and insecure she probably is, but it takes a minute for guys to hear what's going on in their own heads and hearts, haha.

I've had falling-outs with this friend before and it didn't take long until it was back to normal fortunately :) I'm going to have a friend give him a message from me saying that I understand his situation and that if the situation changes or if shit's on fire, my door's open.

It was exactly that ridiculous, I mean she has had her boyfriend stop talking to me because of a hat! I certainly laughed! I hope you're right about him just needing some time, he really needs that eyeopener! :)

That really sucks. =/ Hopefully he'll see the light and get out of that relationship soon.

i'm not a psychologist but she sounds like she has borderline personality disorder and isn't seeing anyone to deal with it. I used to behave similarly in relationships before I started going to dbt.

honestly if she keeps it up, he's going to leave her (tbh he probably has already tried, but trust me she will not make that easy) and he'll probably apologize. if she starts going to a therapist and learns to cope with and control her emotions, she might realize how horrible she's been and you could all start over. but I don't really see that relationship lasting long at all.

I'm sorry :( that situation really sucks :( I think it'll work out eventually, though <3

Thanks, I hope so too :)

I don't know that much about BPD, (I just wiki'ed it now) nor do I know her well enough to know if that's the cause of it, but it's certainly a possibility. If that is the cause of it, I hope she realises she needs help and seeks it, nobody should suffer because of mental health issues :/ Thanks for your input, it's really nice to get different perspectives on the situation c:

Yea, I mean it could just be that she's a just a mean person, too. I hope it didn't sound like I was defending her behavior, because what she's doing is completely wrong on all levels D:. it just reminded me of a lot of terrible things I've done before I learned how to cope with my emotions ._. Has he contacted you yet?

No, it's cool, you're just drawing on your own experiences and it was a legit enough concern - she does seem to fit some of the subcategories. He hasn't contacted me, but it seems like he hasn't been in touch with anyone since that night - I'm guessing she's keeping an eye on him while writing her term paper. The way he sounded that night when he was on the phone with her makes me think in general he's doing his best not to piss her off.

This might sound a touch bad but I've requested of my hubby for him to stop talking to specific people. Not due to insecurities though but due to them being KNOWN to be relationship wreckers. Told him it's best to disassociate from the known wreckers and remain friends with those who would rather see him happy and NOT harm his relationship, be it with me forever like he says he wants or future ones if we don't work out. I get it CAN be hard to let go of people but if you want a real and healthy relationship you just cut specific people out. The ones I've asked him to cut out are 3 exes

1. Wants to pound my face into the pavement for "fun". Openly called me a c-word on facebook when I posted a joke to my adoptive "son's" page. Likes to run her mouth then ask for sympathy once shit catches up to her. Constantly claims we are "so mean" by not letting her stay the night (seriously WHY would we? zero obligations of any kind to allow that). Flips off my hubby's mom if she sees her. Tried to make my hubby feel bad when she was "stranded" downtown by her own choices that we had zero bearing on her making them. Also tried to wreck our relationship from the outside, when that didn't work tried to become "friends" with us both and destroy it from the inside, we didn't give her the chance. Just a bad manipulative person and you can TELL when she's trying something.

2. Would invite my hubby to dinner late at night. "Hurt" her back and instead of seeking proper help wanted him to come rub her back, again in the middle of the night. Also tried asking for "help" on her school work, again late at night. Pretty much she too is a manipulator just not as in your face about it and hoping I'd be asleep when she invited him over. He never went, didn't even reply to her but she still kept at it. He even told her to not expect him to be around very much if at all after we helped her get groceries one time. After that help she only increased her attempts to get him over to her place. Finally hubby let me tell her off because she wasn't listening to him, and I did so nicely but firmly (no cussing or name calling) and she promptly claimed she had a man of her own but had no response as to why she was asking mine over so often late at night instead of inviting hers and then had her mom finish the conversation with me. But I walked away as my grievance was with her not her mom, don't have enough balls to accept what you are doing is wrong then ask your mom to finish it for you when your an "adult"? Yeah nope that didn't fly with me or him.

3. Supposedly this one is a "good" friend. As in if you have drama or issues she can sit and listen and help you suggest ways to fix it. Spends her time stuck on past relationships. And she and my hubby dated back in HS. She has seen him driving at our new place we live and messaged him he should skype with her. He himself said nope and told me she's bad for his relationships but is a "good" friend. I told him nope a good friend WOULDN'T try to mess with your relationships just to get your dick. A good friend would help you find answers if feeling lost in your relationship, let you come to your OWN decisions, not try and pry you from your partner so she can feel guilt free for having him "in between" relationships. She is unwelcome in my house and he agrees with me. Even if she comes to find where we live exactly and was to show up we'd tell her bye and shut the door.

it sucks to think I have to discuss with him WHY it's best to cut these ones off as I agree one should be able to have friends. But given these situations I made it clear I'd leave if I had to deal with that BS from any of them. He still remains friends with other exes who have gone on and done other things in life. These three seem unable/ unmotivated to move on. 's HIGHEST goal/ambition in life? To be a welfare mom. Just floats family member to family member until they get sick of her crap. floats where ever anyone will accept her. None of them have ANY ambition to work or find something to do with their lives. In cases like them I feel no contact is best, because to continue contact would only encourage them to do what they've done with him and his relationships.

Now unless you're a person like them, which I am certain you aren't, there's no reason for her to be all RAWR GET OFF HIM. She's still way too young to understand what a relationship is/ can be about. Given this is also her first one she doesn't have any experience in allowing him freedom with friends to hang out even if only once in awhile. She has NO right to dictate who comes into HIS place since it sounds like it's just him where he's at. And it sounds like she either hasn't had enough time to know you guys or just doesn't want to bother trying. I myself have made friends with my hubby's friends and he mine and we are both fine to go hang out whenever for the most part (laundry and errands kinda take priority).

She really needs to calm down before she drives him away, which will happen in time. He also needs to stand up and encourage her to make nice with you guys. in life we all will make friends that our SOs or even friends may not care for but the trick is to let THEM learn and decide to end things. Unless they are like a known murderer or something bad like that, then in that case yes tell them off :x

but he's known her HOW long? And you for HOW much longer? I had a friend who once made the decision to choose her man over her friends. We warned her he wasn't good for her. The guy groped TWO of our friends, one at the mall the other on school grounds forcing a school restraining order. Tried to get me to make out with him for a soda that he didn't even want. Did she listen to ANY of us that she had known for 6 years and one for 12 years? Nope because he was oh so nice to her face she believed him over all of us. A couple years later she discovered he was cheating on her and by then had lost us all as friends. Once she made her choice she didn't try to keep us around, just devoted herself to him and work. Don't let this happen to your friend.

Wow, I see why you had to have him cut those people out, that really sounds like a drag. You two sound like you have a solid relationship with a great amount of respect, and that's quite admirable :) I imagine that her view on me is somewhat like (without the "dating in HS and still wanting the D", even though I suspect that's what she thinks), and while I am unwanted number one in her world, she has ongoing quarrels with at least 4 of his other close friends, 3 of which are girls with longterm boyfriends and no romantic interest in him, the last one being a single straight guy. The guy and I are also good friends, and he hasn't been able to get in touch with our friend over the phone for a while, until yesterday when he asked the friend if his number was blocked on the friend's phone - turned out it was. I'm not accusing her, I'm just saying he must have one really impressive pocket. I've had problems too, not recently though.

Reading your post I can easily see where she's coming from with this, plus when you haven't really had a boyfriend before you might do stupid things because you don't know any better, at least that's what I remember from myself when I was younger. He tells us that she just really want his friends to like her, but it's just really hard to get to know her in a positive way when she acts the way she does. I've had one longer conversation with her (which is more than most can say, as she doesn't really make an effort to befriend anyone, and rather expects his friends to come to her - which is difficult seeing as she usually has her tongue down his throat at all times during social gatherings, seemingly to mark her territory) and she told me she really doesn't understand why his friends don't talk to her.

There's a factor that I don't know, which is whether my friend has had feelings for me. For me it has always just been a friendship, but three years ago he made a pass at me which I flat out rejected. I still don't know if it was because he had romantic feelings or if it was a spur-of-the-moment thing, but if he has had feelings for me and she has found out, it would make a lot more sense why she's so angry at me. But that's just a speculation, really.

He has known me for a little more than six or seven years longer. Ever since this round of drama begun, I've made it clear to him that it's not my decision and that I'll be okay with whatever he decides, but that I am not going to deal with her drama any longer. I am happy for him that he's happy with someone, and I'm not looking to break them up. I can just see that it affects him so much, and it's hard for me to stand by and watch a friend suffer :/ There's nothing I can do other than be there for him, sadly ..

This was a bit rambly, but it's really nice to get an angle like yours on it as well :D Thank you so much for your reply!

Ps. Did you make a board about once? because I seem to remember it, and it just seemed so out of line D:

lol yep I did because she pissed me off so much after trying to talk to her. Like seriously if you have your own man why ask for any other man over late at night taken or not? She is 20 and can't handle her own verbal confrontations so that's not a good sign. Oh and I left out this gem. she wrote him many threatening letters after he dumped her that she'd kill all his friends family and any future romances. Granted they were still in HS when they dated but it was enough for HIS family to seek a restraining order and took him out of school. What a gem of a person no?

But as for your friend? I see she's isolating him from EVERYONE so far. How does she react when he has to go to family things without her and is gone most of the day? Does anyone in his family have sway with talking to him? If so maybe the group of you guys should try talking to that person so they might try to get him to see reason to sit her down and have a firm heart to heart talk about shaping up and being less obsessed with him being in her vision at all times? Honestly it should be real telling to him if she flips him shit for going to family homes or events without her. If she's THAT jealous he needs to cut her, it won't be healthy or end well. Girls like that tend to also try stupid things to keep the focus on them.

My sis's ex hubby wouldn't allow me to take her to get a fast food cheese burger one year for her b-day. That's all she wanted from me was about 20 minutes of my time and a crappy cheap burger. But nope I couldn't take her because I not only showed up with 2 of my male friends, but we might "pick her up a man" in the drive thru -_- also didn't matter my two male friends are gay and dating eachother. That level of obsession and jealousy is largely unhealthy even in just friendship setting.

Sure I get she's new to everything not having had any previous dating experiences. And a touch of jealousy is normal, but not on any scale like this. When I was younger honestly I was more um free I guess might be the term in how I handled relationships. My inexperience allowed a few of my exes maybe more room and things overlooked than should have been for healthy and steady togetherness. I know now what i want and will not accept in relationships and also that it's good for both people involved in the relationship to still have their own friends and things to do. Yes it's nice to know each other friends if only for peace of mind to have names to faces, but not to use it as a means to force them to focus on you and only you.

This girl is either going to wreck things to where your friend snaps and she gets the boot from his life, or she is going to win in controlling him. And though I'm only a few years older than you guys he shouldn't ever allow someone such full control of things he does.