Ok so I guess I've been "dating" this guy for a bit over 6 months now? And frankly I'm not sure I'd call it dating. We live in the same included city/county. I'm in the city city part while he lives in a mid range but not quite outskirts. It'd take 20 minutes via freeway at 60mph the whole time to get to either area if each of our places. Anyhow in this time frame I've seen him twice. That's it two times for lunch less than an hour both times spaced months apart. We don't call daily and some days getting a text is like pulling teeth. This whole time I can get answers to basic questions, but the moment I ask anything and I mean ANYTHING beyond surface or spicy I get met with silence, told I'm weird or called annoying. I told him I'd gladly meet with him weekly for a lunch and was met with how his lunch isn't set in stone. Suggested to take mutual time off from our jobs to allow us time for meeting up. Again rejected on the basis at the time of "opposite" schedules. At that time I had Tuesday and Wednesday off, he had weekends off. He was off by 430 I was off by 630. He has kids no big deal, I figured if we got extra time off we could do a brunch type thing and he'd get to go get his kids after school. He even knew I had 2 vacations recently as I sent him a picture of my time off, he said we'd do something. Never happened no matter what I asked. He often says we should meet up for a movie or snuggles or anything. I get prepared for having him over only for there to be excuses EVERY time. My cousin is in town, I have to work late, my kids misbehaved, ect ect all POSSIBLE reasons but for 6ish months? I have even changed my job to have one that let's me off the same time as him, STILL no meeting up has happened. Don't worry I also changed jobs for myself too not just him, I AM smarter than that.

Which brings me to today. I got ready threw on a sweater took a good morning pic and sent it to him. The sweater apparently made him upset? So rather than talking to me he had someone STALK me on FB!! And send him a screenshot of my profile. He himself has no social media, nor did he ever bring up he wanted to see a change on my media about being in a relationship. I figured it didnt matter since he has no desire to care about social medias, plus how would you bring it up as a topic? So I'm naturally upset because it was done IMMEDIATELY after I sent it to him 7ish this morning. The sweater in question? My sister had it made for me as an inside joke and it says "I'm single, but not as single as some of these married people". It was made to poke at the fact I have really shit luck with dating as a whole. Idk why but I seem to attract men who are married or otherwise in something that's supposed to be exclusive long term with their partners. I explained it to him. That i also literally only wore it to keep my butt warm that early in the morning, it is a heavy weight sweater. But instead he's now blaming me for never seeing him, for the "distance" between us, willing to let me go over an explained inside joke shirt and a FB status... I told him to call me We'd talk and only crickets. Yet he just proclaimed last week he loves me and wants to be with me?

TLDR Apparently I've been "dating" a guy 6ish months. Rejects offers and ideas for time together or canceling last minute for some reason. Calls me weird or annoying when I ask deeper than basic or spicy stuff. Claims to want me in his life in a big way, but doesn't do a thing about it. Now because of an inside joke shirt and my relationship status set as single on FB he's going to throw it away that easily?

I'm not sure that's entirely narcissistic (been there on that receiving end), but that does sound shady af and I'd get out of that asap. Narcs tend to thrive on getting positive attention, so the stalking by someone might be him trying to set things up to be the knight in shining armor.

Idk, I'd still cut my losses and leave, block as necessary, and go from there.

Honestly, it’s messy. Like I get having kids and being busy people but he clearly doesn’t respect your time and it sounds to me like he doesn’t know what he wants and is sating whatever he needs to keep you complacent while he figures it out? The weirdest part of this whole thing is him calling you annoying when you try to get information out of him. That’s sketch as hell and doesn’t bode well for the future of the relationship if he firstly can’t be assed to freely offer up some personal information after six months of trying to get him to open up on your side, and secondly resorts to insulting you when you attempt to get him to communicate only to love-bomb you later and say a whole bunch of mushy romantic stuff to try and placate you and distract you from the fact that he was super out of line and honestly super sus lol Unless I’m missing something which is very likely tbh

there are so many red flags there girl! idk if i personally would invest anymore time or emotions into this relationship, and it seems like you're also doing all the heavy lifting. when's the last time he did anything for you? do you like him? you make all this effort to spend time with him and he seems to have no interest unless he's jealous or insecure. then suddenly he's interested in the most toxic way. whether or not he has a personality disorder should not be the question girl! you gotta get out now before it's too late. this man can't be fixed and seems perfectly happy using you. yuck! he's gross and dont let him dull you down. you deserve someone as interested in you as you are in them!

dump him! in the basura!

Yeah if he's acting like this 6 months in, things will just get worse from here. Dump the guy. He's not respectful of your time or interest, and weirdly insecure too.

Uh... is that what people call dating these days? You've met up with him twice, barely talk and he's rude and hostile? How is that ANY kind of relationship?

Just block him.

Sorry it took a minute to get back to this! I have read all your replied! Thank you guys for insights and words to encourage me to ultimately do what's best for my sanity. I talked to a friend who is also of the opinion this isn't fully a narrative a narcissist would follow, but that it still didn't add up overall. Even her husband was like "Girl RUN its too weird". She and I agreed that even TRUE (actually living states/continents away not just opposite ends of a city county)LDR situations they usually have a well established calling pattern and doing some type of zoom/Skype dating to help keep interest and close any feeling of distance. And yeah I do like him, but his flaking out at EVERY option to meet up for all this time is just too sus. This last time (eye roll I gave him one more day on my calendar) he said we'd meet up on Friday as I have that day off and it leads directly to his weekend after his shift. Thursday I got a "How's work" and then ghosted. Like I've heard ZERO not even a plausible excuse for missing meeting up. So it's whatever. Time to invest more to my shit because with or without him (or any partner) I still have goals to achieve and things to look into for myself. I'm still going to keep my job for the hours it gives. Yeah I'm a bit bummed I traded over on the premise to see him more.... HOWEVER I have gotten to go do some hiking, see family and friends. Which was something I wanted overall anyways. I like seeing nature and well that was going to be hard to do leaving work at 8 or 9 at night. There's a lovely park that should have its smaller gardens Blooming soon.

If he comes prowling round again I'm just gonna say not today Satan and be the one poof gone.

Good luck and stay safe.

My own personal experience with narcissists is it's rarely ever that clean a getaway.

Yeah which is why I think my friend told me he might have had only a few light traits. She said it was strange because usually when they know someone is into them and changing things to be with them the narcissist tends to be all over that energy. And he just like kept me at arms distance always. About everything. Yet he was the one who started things up with me so idgi... he asked to be with me then ghosted.

I hope just a few light traits.

My own experience was being completely alienated from two friends after the narc had gotten them on the narc's side, made me out to be evil and crazy, I got stalked for nearly two years, filed an official complaint against the narc, and then things went completely downhill from there. Nasty business.

Let's hope the ghosting is permanent.

Hope all is well. I've been around this far too many times. & you know what's worse...it's like for some weird reason I still end up intrigued. Like OMG he finally has time for me? I have to jump on it. Even though they are not available mentally/emotionally. So I say F him. Even though it's harder said than done when you do like someone.

How have you been doing since?? Also, good thing he reacted this way now when things aren't "that serious" because it gives you an insight to something in the future

So small update He claimed he wanted to meet up to celebrate my birthday (its may 3rd) but somehow magically a baseball game got "rescheduled " to my birthday and he somehow had no "idea" until today. He even sent me a snapshot of the email. The original game was scheduled for the 1st but then rescheduled to the 3rd yet somehow got the email on the 2nd? Like bitch you KNEW it was changed before you even suggested meeting for my birthday. So I poked the bear and boy let me tell you shit came out!

So last night all he wanted to do was sexy talk/ask me for pics. I told him only if I got the same back and surprise I got silent treatment. So I said at about 9 I was going to bed. He asked me why I'd go to bed (oh idk something about insomnia and having to start the day at 6am). So I said ok I'll stay up let's chat, any topic anything let's go you want me to stay up then let's chat. Comes to 10 and heard nothing. So I went to bed. I asked this afternoon if he was still coming to celebrate and got the whole baseball game excuse along with how I've been "pissy" aka not giving in to his requests. So I asked him to honestly tell me the last time he wanted to have a conversation with me that WASN'T trying to get pics or sexy talk out of me. I also called him out on how he can shut my requests down and I'm supposed to just deal but when I shut him down for the same stuff he gets all pouty and pissy about it. I called him out about asking me to stay up but then not chatting at all. I also brought up how NOBODY has ALLLL their plans to see someone for 6+ months always end up canceled so that he either is stringing me along or has the shittiest luck with their own plans. I was met with "You're pissing me off" and a fuck you emoji and zero answers for things I brought up. So yeahhhh like someone else point out if this is the reaction to expressing thoughts and concerns over truly not big things then what would a true big issue be like? If I can't express concern now and get met with big anger already the future will only be worse. Funnily enough some think I'm being used but you gotta be doing the deed or funding shit for them to be being used. I mean other than maybe feeding an ego? But egos are also usually fed through conversations praising them and things about them... so idk all I know is I've not initiated conversations for a bit and any time I respond it does always go more towards the sexual side of talking. But I laughed at his getting big mad of being called out on his shit behavior in this. My emotions are a bit all over because I'm not usually one to stand up for myself, even when I need to and it's warranted, so I'm proud then overwhelmed in the same moment.

... Wow.

I don't even know where to begin with that besides an I'm sorry you've gone through that. That's awful.

The more you tell me about it, from my own experience with narcissistic people, the more red flags show with this guy. You don't have to do anything more than exist sometimes and respond to be "used" by a narc, it doesn't have to be NC-17 stuff. It can be PG and you just get your hackles up, and "HA, I KNEW IT, YOU WERE CRAZY ALL ALONG."

I hope I'm wrong, I really do. Stay safe with this one.

it's just "fuck boy" energy coming off of him. He only strings you along because he feels he's entitled to your "sexy pics/talk" so he's kinda lame for that tbh.

I'm irked that he did you like that for your b-day though. But hey at least he didn't ghost you? (lmao, not me for looking for the bare minimum)

He's a child, dude. I can't believe he talked to you like that. I'd tell him to eat a load of shit and then some.

(mad cus it's happened to me, so i'm channeling)

Another bit of an update. HE made plans to see me again. I told him I was free the day he wanted to visit, which was 2 days from when he asked if i had freetime. Then he blew it off. I got upset at him for acting that way again. His response? How /I/ shouldn't be mad he "forgot". Mixed in plenty of love bombing between when I wasn't replying. I pointed out how HE made these plans, not me so I was allowed to be frustrated with him. Suddenly when I once again pointed out how this was really on him he has gone silent on me. He's someone I've had come around off and on over the years and he ALWAYS comes in hot with promises but begins to taper off/run away once I bring up things. I brought up again how if he was serious we should really have a good calling schedule as well as real dates and got told he is "being selfish with my time". I asked what that meant and surprise silence at trying to get another explanation. Any time I ask for real things with this guy I just can't get those answers. After this long that's just sus af. Oh and he claimed that even though he was mad at me he had gone to get me a bday gift that same day I made him mad to "show" his love for me, but never said or showed what it was. I actually looked up traits of sociopaths and he actually hits a few of the key things. Attitude/affection flips on a switch like one or the other just wasn't happening moments before. Love/attention bombing trying to say all the right things to keep me happy rather than think what isn't going right. Gets moody at being called out. Gas lights about events, except that doesn't work when you screen shot important things they say and show it to them. Oh and as "mad" as he was he suggested I should quit my current job to go work where he's at to "see" him more often. I asked what that would mean and he said I'd get to "have lunch" with him everyday... like boy I already rearranged my work and a few other things to "accommodate " a better schedule like you wanted to go on dates. Even making sure to get Saturdays off for when "events with the kids" would happen. Yet nothing happened with all of those big changes. So my sis said take advantage of the changes made (while yes motivated in part by him but not entirely so) and go do things I want. And I'm standing firm on not investing in initiation of any contact. If he contacted me ok fine, but I have guards up and am so not afraid of poking the bear. However I maybe should behave a bit he does have my address and I doubt he'd ever be physical but with someone who can flip their "love and hate" on a whim I better err on caution.

1. There’s def no gift
2. I think he’s just an immature dick with no accountability for his actions.
3. You give up something for HIM? When he constantly does the exact opposite for you?!
4. He isn’t worthy of your time, tbh…and he’s disrespected it far too much at this point. I think his “love-bombing” could actually have some work on you because there have been instances where you still decide “hmm maybe this time it will change” but also I’m not sure!

Ughhhh i can’t believe it

Yikes.

And you're still contacting him over things because...?

block him girl! he is playing games you don't have time for! say "bye" and block his number and never think about this loser ever again. he's going to keep doing this to you as long as you're around him.

I strongly feel you're correct. I doubt there's a gift too, only some pretty words to "make" me be nice to him. And yes ANY time I brought up anything to make him think on or take responsibility for his actions (or rather lack of... I mean most people when they realize they missed a meeting of any sort usually try to salvage that day or reschedule he never did either) I only partially changed things for him. I also had my own personal motivation for things like changing my job. I have goals and with or without someone by my side I'm still going to work on then. Which is something else that makes me feel he's sociopathic is his total lack of interest in things I do for myself unless it could benefit him. I'm finally working on a large personal goal of mine, told him the progress made and got zero from him about it. Yet others around me are happy I'm making progress.
As for his love bombing that's not what worked. It was the potential in making things work that kept me hoping about him. Like I said I gave him benefit of the doubt at the start that since it'd been a few years he had done some personal growth.... clearly I'm wrong with this cycle of promise then suddenly I'm annoying to pissing him off and not "allowed" to be upset when he misses things he plans. I'm done fretting about it because base l8ne is if he wanted to he would. Also I've met married men with more time for me than this, though when I find out they're married I kick em aside because I'm no second side.

Because I had hope? Perhaps too much... He came in hot with so many things then over time he kept his walls up and ultimately ran away/kept the distance. Only a few lunch meet ups even happened overall really. I guess it's the thing with us... he's my toxic person who knows how to run my hopes around (most everyone i know has one they all had to come to the same point i have) and it stops after this whole debacle.

Yeah I even told him at the start either be real or be gone. I told him I'm not entirely the girl he knew years ago. So it's not like he can say he had no idea I'd ever cut him off permanently. He's currently using his kids as a shield for why we can't do anything. And it makes no sense. Like he can't plan out dates for spending time but yet when I said things like I was shoveling snow or building furniture he would be able to help me no issues? Yet either involves still coming to see me? So idgi and ivestopped trying to make things add up with him. The lies, walls and using kids as a shield is just no.

That came across really weird, that's not how I meant it. I'm sorry.