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Aug 6, 2017 8 years ago
MerlinPendragon
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Kilgharra

Hello everyone! This is me Teresa, your second champion for the tournament. I'm here seeking support and help for this first task, which is:

  • Writing a roleplay showing your character diagnosing your volunteer's two ailments and coming up with a potion to counteract the effects. Most of these potions will need to be of your own design, since most (if not all) will not be found within the books or movies. So be creative with it and explain why you chose your ingredients!

This is my volunteer number and symptoms:

Volunteer Your volunteer appears to have a nose as large as the rest of her face. She also has an excess of hair growing from her bare feet (and it's long enough to braid).

I would appreciate any help, suggestions and once I have all figured out I will post the entry as I would post it for help in the grammar part. I mostly ask help in this since my main language is not English so I don't want us to lose points because of that. =D

Thank you all and go Hogwarts!!!

Notes/Suggestions Deflating Draught

Aug 6, 2017 8 years ago
First Mate
Keliora
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Warbler

The nose ailment looks to be relatively simple - could you just use a Deflating Draught (and diagnose that the ailment is likely a result of Swelling Solution applied directly to the nose?)?

Wikia links: Deflating Draught || Swelling Solution

The hair one is a bit more interesting - perhaps you could try a variation of Wolfsbane Potion (maybe combined with Dittany)? I say combined because I'm not sure everything required of Wolfsbane would be present on the ingredients table, plus you'd only be administering it once instead of several times.

Wikia links: Wolfsbane Potion || Dittany

I'm hoping you and others have better ideas for the second ailment. :/


[font=tahoma]Art by , gifted by || Signature icon by MidnightShadow[/font]

Aug 7, 2017 8 years ago
MerlinPendragon
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Kilgharra

Thanks for the help so far, I'll check all out and keep looking for possible ingredients to add to the potion, after all it's made up but those are helpful since I don't know where to start. I've been researching the different known ingredients but it's quite frustrating how most don't say what they are good for. -___- So I was thinking on using even the human hair of the person and a feet item as to indicate where the hair must be removed, and maybe an ingredient that reduces, eliminates? So I'll keep looking - thanks

I have a question regarding the task. Can we ask questions to the volunteers or just treat them without asking questions?

Aug 10, 2017 8 years ago Official
Mary
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Wattlebird

you can ask questions in your roleplay, but you'll be the one answering them, if that makes sense

Aug 10, 2017 8 years ago
MerlinPendragon
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Kilgharra

Alright, yes it makes sense because I would have to play the volunteer. Thank you

[Edit] Here is the entry I prepared for the first task, please help me out with the grammar and general feel to it. I know I tend to write the verb tenses wrong so I ask to check on this the most. I will put it under spoiler tags since it's a quite long. Thank you.

entry task one Teresa picked the volunteer number, number one, and headed on her direction. The girl appeared to have the nose as large as the rest of her head. It seem to her that the girl in question was probably in contact with a Swelling Solution and it got to her nose. The easiest solution for this was using a Deflating Draught yet if her deduction was incorrect and the enlargement was not caused by magic this potion won't be of help at all.

She was thoughtful for a moment, using the wrong potion not only would rest her time but also points on the task so she had to make sure before acting. Using a different potion that would also deflate the swollen body part despite the mean it caused it was her best bet but no potion came to mind immediately so she decided to work on the second symptom. The Hogwarts champion did her best to kept her face expressionless and lucky for her she wasn't very expressive because that hair growing on the girl's feet was genuinely disgusting. The strands were long enough to be braided! Terry took a deep breath and kept her calm, she could do this she only needed to look into her brain to find the answer.

Ingredients started popping into her mind which gave her the answer to what potion should be brew. “The Unwanted Thing Potion! Of course, it will remove the hair...let's see if they have the ingredients here.” Teresa went to the table and picked her ingredients, Black Cohosh, octopus powder, dried nettle, lizard's leg, and hopefully there will be a unicorn hair. “Oh yes! I'm in luck.” She then turns to the girl and gave her a false smile. “I need something from you, do you mind?” Without even letting the volunteer say a word, she pulled on the unwanted hair hard and took a few. “This will do.”

The pleased looked on Terry's face was undeniable, potions was one of her strengths and there was no way she could fail this task, or look bad in front of everyone. Hogwarts counted on her and she will do her very best till the end. “You can do this.”

Stepping in front of the golden cauldron she begins to recite the instructions in a very low voice. “Pick the dried nettle and crush it into the mortar until it's fine like powder. Yes, this will get rid of the hair, will dry it well until it fells. Then add two measures of the powder to the cauldron. In the mortar grind three leaves of black cohosh until it forms a gooey paste, with this any hormone disorders can be fixed since surely that causes the hairy thing, ugh. Now, add that paste to the mix and stir gently one time clockwise.” She did as she recite and with a pleased smiled continued her task. “Now cut the feet out of the lizard's leg and add it to the cauldron, heat for one minute on high and then lower the heat to low.” The feet will indicate where the hair should be removed.

While she waited for the minute to pass she added the foot hair and the unicorn hair into the mortar and grind until the hair taken from the girl was silver in color. “This unicorn hair bind to the human hair will go straight into the problem – the hair.” She nods content. “One minutes has passed.” She turn the heat to low and add the silver hair to the cauldron. “Stir five times counterclockwise and let it brew for two more minutes or until the color changes to purple.” There was one last ingredient to the potion and once the color changed she adds it, thinking 'Add one measure of octopus powder to increase the strength of the potion, now it will get rid of that unwanted hair.' She waved her wand once and let it set aside for five minutes.

Once again Terry went through the potion steps in her head and nods, she was sure it was perfect so she puts it aside and turns back to her next problem, that gigantic nose. “I better do something about that nose before you leave us without oxygen to breathe.”

Looking for a cure for the nose the champion decided to ask. “Excuse me, did your nose just suddenly enlarged or did a potion touched it? Maybe you drink something that cause it?”

Volunteer number one shakes her head as she responds. “I woke up like this, last thing I had was dinner and unless another student made a prank on me I see no reasons to have a huge nose.”

“Most likely a prank but we don't know what they used, so I will go with Dimini-Elixir. Alright, I'll be back soon with your remedy.”

“Thank you.” With hope in her voice the girl replied.

Immediately Teresa went to the ingredients table, and seeing one of her ingredients was not available, she decided to summon it from her personal things. It was a gift from a friend back in Hogwarts but she was sure he would understand. “Accio Occamy feather!” She smiled the instant it arrived. “Such a pretty thing, too bad you'll be gone soon.” She had already gathered the rest of the material which included flobberworm mucus to help thicken the potion, boswellia serrata an anti inflammatory, cinnamon to give a hint of flavor plus it gets rid of bacteria and also inflammation, and lastly rat sleep which will induce the reduction in size of the nose.

Back to her cauldron went Terry and placed the ingredients in order of use, first the gum resin of the boswellia serrata will be used. “Add three measurements of boswellia and let it cook in low heat for three minutes until it melts and turns liquid, then stir five times in any direction.” As usual Teresa said the instructions to herself, it was the way she always made potions and there was no way she could do it in absolute silence. Once the first step was done, step two was announced. “Add a pinch of cinnamon an stir once counterclockwise. Let it brew for 30 seconds and then add two measurements of flobberworm mucus.” Teresa wipe her head with a napkin since she was sweating with the heat of the cauldron and not because it was very hot but because the potion was producing light fumes. Once the fumes were gone she continued. “Stir the mixture twice counterclockwise and add the rat spleen. Flick your wand once. Turn the heat to medium for 45 seconds exactly and then turn it off. Add one Occamy feather and stir once clockwise. Flick your wand three times.” The time ended and she had the elixir ready and in a bottle with a dropper.

The time for the task was close to end Teresa Evans was proud of her work, the potion had the green color it should have and the right thickness so she approached the lady waiting for a cure. “Alright Miss you have to let the elixir rest under your tongue for twenty seconds before you swallow, in fact it's hard to drink otherwise since it's a bit sticky but once in your mouth for the right amount of time it would be fine. Now open your mouth it's two full droppers for it to work best.”

“Does it taste bad?” The girl shyly asked.

“You'll find out soon, but don't spit it or your nose will be big forever.” Teresa smirks and the girl apparently made a terrified look since she couldn't exactly tell by the size of the nose and then nods in agreement. The thick liquid went into her mouth and Terry put her hand on top of her mouth so she wouldn't spit it, the thing tasted horrible and the texture was quite repugnant, after twenty seconds she said. “Swallow.”

The volunteer touched her nose since it was still big and started to cry thinking it won't change.

“Just be patient, it will work in a moment.” A minute after the nose started shrinking little bit little until it had diminished to the right size. “There you go, now you have a pretty face again. I think your friends were just jealous of your beauty.”

“THANK YOU! My nose is back to normal!” Volunteer number one was so excited that she hugged Terry tight but she shove her off while feeling uncomfortable.

“Alright, alright, you still have to drink the other potion, so drink this and the unwanted hair will be gone in just a few moments.” She handed the bottle with the purple liquid inside and the volunteer looked at it with a disgusted expression.

“It will taste as bad as the other right?” She seems to be apprehensive especially after the first take.

“Is that or the hair; you chose.” Teresa honestly said to the sad girl.

“I'll take it.” In one go she drank the potion but the look in her face said how bad it tasted. “EWW! It was disgusting!”

“Surely no more disgusting than those hairy feet.” Teresa said coldly and the poor girl blushed. “Now watch the hair get dry and fell off.” Magically the hair started turning to ashes leaving her feet perfectly beautiful. “Now look at that, you actually have toes!” She chuckles and pats the girl's shoulders. “You are cured.”

“Thanks again for this, it means so much! Now you are my favorite champion, best of lucks!” Another hug was given to the Hogwarts champion who accepted it this time.

“Thank you.” Teresa blushed after her declaration of predilection which caused her to smile. She then turns to the judges. “I'm done, the girl is healed of both symptoms.”

[Edit] There is a draft four posts below, please check that one out instead. =D

Aug 14, 2017 8 years ago
alex
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Aether

i smailed you an edit for grammar etc as i couldn't fit it on the thread! and i added a couple of changes that you're welcome to use if you like! this was a great entry for the task! good luck

Aug 14, 2017 8 years ago
MerlinPendragon
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Kilgharra

Thanks so much for the help!!! It looks far better now.

This is the new draft corrected by Alex, if you still see more mistakes or have any ideas let me know.

Draft 2 Teresa picked the volunteer number: number one. She headed in her direction. The girl appeared to have a nose as large as the rest of her head. It seemed to her that the girl in question had probably been in contact with a Swelling Solution and it got to her nose. The easiest solution for this was to use a Deflating Draught, though if her deduction was incorrect and the enlargement was not caused by magic, this potion wouldn't be of help after all.

She was thoughtful for a moment. Using the wrong potion would not only cost her time, but also points on the task and so she had to be sure of the potion before acting. Using a different potion might have been her best bet, but no potion came to mind immediately so she decided to get work on the second symptom.

Luckily, Teresa wasn't very expressive. The Hogwarts champion did her best to kept her face less because all of that hair growing on the girl's feet was genuinely disgusting. The strands were long enough to be braided! Terry took a deep breath and kept her calm. She could do this! She only needed to look into her brain to find the answer.

Ingredients started popping into her mind one by one, and soon they gave her the answer to what potion she should brew.

“The Unwanted Thing Potion! Of course, it will remove the hair... let's see if they have the ingredients here.” Teresa went to the table and picked her ingredients: black cohosh, octopus powder, dried nettle, lizard's leg and - hopefully - unicorn hair.

“Oh yes! I'm in luck.” She then turned to the girl and gave her a false smile. “I need something from you, do you mind?” Without even letting the volunteer say a word, she pulled on the unwanted hair hard and took a few strands. “This will do.”

The pleased looked on Terry's face was undeniable. Potions was one of her strengths and there was no way she could fail this task or look bad in front of everyone. Hogwarts was counting on her and she was going to do her very best 'til the end. “You can do this.”

Stepping in front of the golden cauldron she began to recite the instructions in a very low voice. “Pick the dried nettle and crush it into the mortar until it's fine like powder. Yes, this will get rid of the hair: it will dry it until it falls out! Next, add two measures of the powder to the cauldron. In the mortar, grind three leaves of black cohosh until it forms a gooey paste. With this, any hormone disorders can be fixed since surely that is the cause of the hairy thing, ugh! Now, add that paste to the mix and stir gently one time clockwise.” She did as she recited and with a pleased smile she continued her task. “Now cut the foot from the lizard's leg and add it to the cauldron. Heat for one minute on high and then lower the heat to low.” The foot will indicate from where the hair should be removed.

As she waited for the minute to pass, she added both the strands of foot hair and the unicorn hair to the mortar and ground until the hair taken from the girl had turned silver in color. “This unicorn hair bound to the human hair will go straight to the problem – the hair.” She nods contently. “One minute has passed.” She turned the heat to low and added the silver hair to the cauldron. “Stir five times counter-clockwise and let it brew for two more minutes or until the color changes to purple.”

There was one last ingredient to add to the potion and once the color changed she added it, thinking 'Add one measure of octopus powder to increase the strength of the potion. Now that will get rid of that unwanted hair.' She waved her wand once and let the potion simmer for five minutes.

Once again Terry went through the potion steps in her head and nodded. She was sure it was perfect, so she put it aside and turned back to her next problem: that gigantic nose. “I'd better do something about that nose before you leave us without oxygen to breathe!”

Looking for a cure for the nose, the champion decided to ask the volunteer a question. “Excuse me, did your nose suddenly enlarge or did a potion affect it? Maybe you drank something that caused the swelling?”

Volunteer number one shook her head as she responded. “I woke up like this. Last thing I had was dinner and unless another student pranked me, I see no reasons to have a huge nose.”

“Most likely a prank," Terry decided, "but we don't know what they used, so I will go with the Dimini-Elixir. Alright, I'll be back soon with your remedy.”

“Thank you.” With hope in her voice the girl replied.

Immediately Teresa went to the ingredients table. Seeing that one of her ingredients was unavailable, she decided to summon it from her personal belongings. It had been a gift from a friend back at Hogwarts, but she was sure he would understand why she had to use it now. “Accio Occamy feather!” She smiled the instant it arrived. “Such a pretty thing, too bad you'll be gone soon.” She had already gathered the rest of the materials. These included flobberworm mucus to help thicken the potion, the anti-inflammatory Boswellia Serrata, cinnamon (to give a hint of flavor whilst also getting rid of bacteria and reducing inflammation) and lastly rat spleen which will induce the reduction in nose-size.

Back to her cauldron Terry went, and in she placed the ingredients in order of use. First the gum resin of the Boswellia Serrata would be used. “Add three measurements of boswellia and let it cook on a low heat for three minutes until it melts and turns to liquid, then stir five times in any direction.” As usual Teresa said the instructions to herself as it was the way she always made potions. Plus, there was no way she could do it in absolute silence. Once the first step was done, step two was announced. “Add a pinch of cinnamon and stir once counter-clockwise. Let it brew for 30 seconds and then add two measurements of flobberworm mucus.” Teresa wiped her head with a napkin. She was sweating with the heat of the cauldron beneath her, not only because it was very hot but also because the potion was producing light fumes. Once the fumes were gone she continued. “Stir the mixture twice counter-clockwise and add the rat spleen. Flick your wand once. Turn the heat to medium for 45 seconds exactly and then turn it off. Add one Occamy feather and stir once clockwise. Flick your wand three times.”

Soon the time had passed and she had the elixir ready and in a bottle with a dropper.

The time for the task was close to end. Teresa Evans was proud of her work. The potion had the green color it should have had and was just the right thickness. She approached the lady waiting for a cure. “Alright Miss, you have to let the elixir rest under your tongue for twenty seconds before you swallow. In fact, it's hard to drink otherwise since it's a bit sticky! Once it's been in your mouth for the right amount of time it will be fine. Now open your mouth: it's two full droppers required for it to work best.”

“Does it taste bad?” The girl shyly asked.

“You'll find out soon, but don't spit it out or your nose will be big forever.” Teresa smirked and it looked like the girl pulled a terrified look, but she couldn't exactly tell because of the size of the nose. The volunteer then nodded in agreement. The thick liquid went into her mouth and Terry placed her hand on top of the volunteer's mouth so that she couldn't spit it out. The thing tasted horrible and the texture was quite repugnant. After twenty seconds, she instructed the girl to swallow.

The volunteer touched her nose since it was still big and started to cry thinking that it might never change.

“Just be patient, it will work in a moment.” A minute after, the nose started shrinking little by little until it had reduced to its original size. “There you go, now you have a pretty face again. Maybe your friends were just jealous of your beauty.”

“THANK YOU! My nose is back to normal!” The volunteer was so excited that she hugged Terry tight, but Terry shoved her off. Hugging made her feel uncomfortable.

“Alright, alright! Now you still have to drink the other potion, so drink this next and the unwanted hair will be gone in just a few moments.” She handed over the bottle filled with the purple liquid and the volunteer looked at it with an of disgust.

“Will this taste as bad as the other?” She seemed to be apprehensive, especially after the first take.

“Is that or the hair; you choose.” Teresa said honestly to the sad girl.

“I'll take it.” In one short go she drank the entire potion, though the look on her face proved how bad it tasted. “EWW! It was disgusting!”

“Surely no more disgusting than those hairy feet.” Teresa said coldly and the poor girl blushed. “Now watch the hair dry and fall off.” Magically, the hair turned to ash leaving her feet perfectly beautiful. “Now look at that, you actually have toes!” She chuckles and pats the girl's shoulders. “You are cured.”

“Thanks again for this, it means so much! Now you are my favorite champion, best of luck!” Another hug was given to the Hogwarts champion who accepted it this time.

“Thank you.” Teresa blushed after her declaration of predilection which caused her to smile. She then turns to the judges. “I'm done, the girl is healed of both symptoms.”

Aug 14, 2017 8 years ago
First Mate
Keliora
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Warbler

Great RP! I think you kept in character very well and performed the task admirably. c:

A few notes: -You switch between Teresa and Terry a lot in the narrative. Given it's all written from the same perspective, I might lean toward using Terry for most of it (I liked the "Teresa Evans was proud of her work" line though, so I wouldn't recommend changing that!)

-Third paragraph: "Luckily, Teresa wasn't very expressive. The Hogwarts champion did her best to kept her face less because all of that hair growing on the girl's feet was genuinely disgusting." Looks to be missing a word - I might suggest "..did her best to kept her face expressionless.." or "..did her best keep her face blank.."

-Just want to make sure you saw this note from the task description:

Quote
Each volunteer has been given two different potions that make the volunteer exhibit two different sets of symptoms.
Your dialogue with the volunteer around how she ended up with the enlarged nose doesn't quite fit with this - I might rework that in the narrative?

-You referred to the volunteer as a lady at one point - I think girl or volunteer makes the most sense and has the best consistency.

-Are we sure that bringing in items not provided as part of the task is allowed? I really like the tie-in with the Occamy Feather but I just want to make sure it's permitted!

-Last paragraph - I think it should be prediction instead of predilection.

Overall great job!!!


[font=tahoma]Art by , gifted by || Signature icon by MidnightShadow[/font]

Aug 15, 2017 8 years ago
MerlinPendragon
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Kilgharra

Thanks for the feedback. I don't think it's a problem to bring in an item since all they say is to heal them with potion and not spell and I didn't heal her with a spell just used a spell to get the item.

As for the part they were given a potion for the symptoms I seriously didn't see it. I will ask about it just to make sure.

I will check all you mentioned about the name and everything else. :3

[Edit] I made more corrections. Summoning an item is fine, I got the reply from Mary.

Draft 3 Teresa picked the volunteer number: number one. She headed in her direction. The girl appeared to have a nose as large as the rest of her head. It seemed to her that the girl in question had probably been in contact with a Swelling Solution and it got to her nose. The easiest solution for this was to use a Deflating Draught, though if her deduction was incorrect and the enlargement was not caused by it, this potion wouldn't be of help after all. 

She was thoughtful for a moment. Using the wrong potion would not only cost her time, but also points on the task and so she had to be sure of the potion before acting. Using a different potion might have been her best bet, but no potion came to mind immediately so she decided to get work on the second symptom. 

Luckily, Terry wasn't very expressive. The Hogwarts champion did her best to keep her face blank because all of that hair growing on the girl's feet was genuinely disgusting. The strands were long enough to be braided! Terry took a deep breath and kept her calm. She could do this! She only needed to look into her brain to find the answer.

Ingredients started popping into her mind one by one, and soon they gave her the answer to what potion she should brew. 

“The Unwanted Thing Potion! Of course, it will remove the hair... let's see if they have the ingredients here.” Teresa went to the table and picked her ingredients: black cohosh, octopus powder, dried nettle, lizard's leg and - hopefully - unicorn hair. 

“Oh yes! I'm in luck.” She then turned to the girl and gave her a false smile. “I need something from you, do you mind?” Without even letting the volunteer say a word, she pulled on the unwanted hair hard and took a few strands. “This will do.”

The pleased looked on Terry's face was undeniable. Potions was one of her strengths and there was no way she could fail this task or look bad in front of everyone. Hogwarts was counting on her and she was going to do her very best 'til the end. “You can do this.” 

Stepping in front of the golden cauldron she began to recite the instructions in a very low voice. “Pick the dried nettle and crush it into the mortar until it's fine like powder. Yes, this will get rid of the hair: it will dry it until it falls out! Next, add two measures of the powder to the cauldron. In the mortar, grind three leaves of black cohosh until it forms a gooey paste. With this, any hormone disorders can be fixed since surely that is the cause of the hairy thing, ugh! Now, add that paste to the mix and stir gently one time clockwise.” Terry did as she recited and with a pleased smile continued her task. “Now cut the foot from the lizard's leg and add it to the cauldron. Heat for one minute on high and then lower the heat to low.” The foot will indicate from where the hair should be removed.

As the champion waited for the minute to pass, she added both the strands of foot hair and the unicorn hair to the mortar and ground until the hair taken from the girl had turned silver in color. “This unicorn hair bound to the human hair will go straight to the problem – the hair.” She nods contently. “One minute has passed.” Terry turned the heat to low and added the silver hair to the cauldron. “Stir five times counter-clockwise and let it brew for two more minutes or until the color changes to purple.” 

There was one last ingredient to add to the potion and once the color changed she added it, thinking 'Add one measure of octopus powder to increase the strength of the potion. Now that will get rid of that unwanted hair.' She waved her wand once and let the potion simmer for five minutes. 

Once again Terry went through the potion steps in her head and nodded. She was sure it was perfect, so she put it aside and turned back to her next problem: that gigantic nose. “I'd better do something about that nose before you leave us without oxygen to breathe!” 

Looking for a cure for the nose, the champion decided to ask the volunteer a question. “Excuse me, do you feel any other reaction besides the obvious big nose? Like dizziness, or fatigue?”

Volunteer number one shook her head as she responded. “No, only the big nose and a heavy head, surely because of the extra weight..”

“Definitively a lot of extra weight - it's like you have two heads!” She suddenly realized that was unnecessary and just continued. “I will go with the Dimini-Elixir then, that potion will return to normal any body part enlarged in size by any means. Alright, I'll be back soon with your remedy.”

“Thank you.” With hope in her voice the girl replied.

Immediately Terry went to the ingredients table. Seeing that one of her ingredients was unavailable, she decided to summon it from her personal belongings. It had been a gift from a friend back at Hogwarts, but she was sure he would understand why she had to use it now. “Accio Occamy feather!” She smiled the instant it arrived. “Such a pretty thing, too bad you'll be gone soon.” She had already gathered the rest of the materials. These included flobberworm mucus to help thicken the potion, the anti-inflammatory Boswellia Serrata, cinnamon (to give a hint of flavor whilst also getting rid of bacteria and reducing inflammation) and lastly rat spleen which will induce the reduction in nose-size. 

Back to her cauldron Terry went, and in she placed the ingredients in order of use. First the gum resin of the Boswellia Serrata would be used. “Add three measurements of boswellia and let it cook on a low heat for three minutes until it melts and turns to liquid, then stir five times in any direction.” As usual Terry said the instructions to herself as it was the way she always made potions. Plus, there was no way she could do it in absolute silence. Once the first step was done, step two was announced. “Add a pinch of cinnamon and stir once counter-clockwise. Let it brew for 30 seconds and then add two measurements of flobberworm mucus.” Terry wiped her head with a napkin. She was sweating with the heat of the cauldron beneath her, not only because it was very hot but also because the potion was producing light fumes. Once the fumes were gone she continued. “Stir the mixture twice counter-clockwise and add the rat spleen. Flick your wand once. Turn the heat to medium for 45 seconds exactly and then turn it off. Add one Occamy feather and stir once clockwise. Flick your wand three times.” 

Soon the seconds had passed and she had the elixir ready and in a bottle with a dropper.

The time for the task was close to end. Teresa Evans was proud of her work. The potion had the green color it should have had and was just the right thickness. She approached the girl waiting for a cure. “Alright Miss, you have to let the elixir rest under your tongue for twenty seconds before you swallow. In fact, it's hard to drink otherwise since it's a bit sticky! Once it's been in your mouth for the right amount of time it will be fine. Now open your mouth: it's two full droppers required for it to work best.”

“Does it taste bad?” The girl shyly asked.

“You'll find out soon, but don't spit it out or your nose will be big forever.” Terry smirked and it looked like the girl pulled a terrified look, but she couldn't exactly tell because of the size of the nose. The volunteer then nodded in agreement. The thick liquid went in and Terry placed her hand on top of the volunteer's mouth so that she couldn't spit it out. The thing tasted horrible and the texture was quite repugnant. After twenty seconds, she instructed the girl to swallow.

The volunteer touched her nose since it was still big and started to cry thinking that it might never change.

“Just be patient, it will work in a moment.” A minute after, the nose started shrinking little by little until it had reduced to its original size. “There you go, now you have a pretty face again.”

“THANK YOU! My nose is back to normal!” The volunteer was so excited that she hugged the champion tight, but Terry shoved her off. Hugging made her feel uncomfortable. 

“Alright, alright! Now you still have to take the other potion, so drink this next and the unwanted hair will be gone in just a few moments.” She handed over the bottle filled with the purple liquid and the volunteer looked at it with a hint of disgust. 

“Will this taste as bad as the other?” She seemed to be apprehensive, especially after the taste of the first potion. 

“It's that or the hair; you choose,” Terry said honestly to the sad girl.

“I'll take it.” In one short go the volunteer drank the entire potion, though the look on her face proved how bad it tasted. “EWW! It was disgusting!”

“Surely no more disgusting than those hairy feet,” Terry said coldly and the poor girl blushed. “Now watch the hair dry and fall off.” Magically, the hair turned to ashes leaving her feet perfectly beautiful. “Now look at that, you actually have toes!” She chuckles and pats the girl's shoulders. “You are cured.”

“Thanks again for this, it felt and looked terrible! Now you are my favorite champion, best of luck!” Another hug was given to the Hogwarts student who accepted it this time.

“Thank you.” Terry blushed after her declaration which caused her to smile. She then turns to the judges. “I'm done, the girl is healed of both symptoms.”

Sorry for pinging again but I would like to finish this before the deadline. This is the last draft I have with the corrections suggested and the change in dialog with the volunteer. If there are any more mistakes or suggestions, we still have time. Thanks to Alex and Keliora for the help so far.

Aug 16, 2017 8 years ago
First Mate
Keliora
User Avatar
Warbler

Quote
“Definitively a lot of extra weight it&;s like you have a two heads!” She suddenly realize that was unnecessary and just continues. “I will go with the Dimini-Elixir then. Alright, I&;ll be back soon with your remedy.”
Should read: “Definitively a lot of extra weight - it's like you have a two heads!” She suddenly realized that was unnecessary and just continued. “I will go with the Dimini-Elixir then. Alright, I'll be back soon with your remedy.”Also not sure when Dimini-Elixir was explained or named - in the intro you mentioned Deflating Draught, I think (admittedly I might have missed this part - I just re-skimmed!).

Quote
“Is that or the hair; you choose.” Terry said honestly to the sad girl.
Should be: “It's that or the hair; you choose,” Terry said honestly to the sad girl."take" in the sentence before it also reads strangely to me - maybe have potion or cure instead? Or taste, perhaps?

Also, and I'm very sorry I didn't notice this in the first read-through but taking a closer look at this sentence made me see it - I think some grammar conventions around writing dialogue might be a bit off. This link has some good notes: http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/ The most important/relevant bit is this one, I think: Single line with dialogue tag (attribution) following The dialogue is enclosed in quotation marks. A comma follows the dialogue and comes before the closing quotation mark. A period ends the sentence. Punctuation serves to separate the spoken words from other parts of the sentence.

Note that question marks and exclamation marks are treated differently than the period/comma rule if you do end up going through and making changes!

Quote
“Thanks again for this, it means so much! Now you are my favorite champion, best of luck!” Another hug was given to the Hogwarts student who accepted it this time.
No correction - just wanted to make sure this still made sense (the "it means so much" part) since the volunteers are in no real danger/were given potions specifically for this task. Maybe the comment could be more like "Thanks again for this, I'm glad I didn't have to deal with that nose and hair for very long! Now you are my favorite champion, best of luck!" since it reads like Terry made it through her potion-making very swiftly.

Please know that I really am just nit-picking to hopefully help make this the best entry possible - it is in no way a criticism of you or your writing and I hope it doesn't read that way (and if it does, it is most definitely not my intent!).


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Aug 16, 2017 8 years ago
MerlinPendragon
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Kilgharra

I think I fixed pretty much all you pointed out, cept I really know nothing about dialogue rules so I would try to read and understand it and fix what I can, thanks again for your help.

Aug 16, 2017 8 years ago
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Keliora
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Warbler

It's mostly just when the dialogue in the quotes would end with a period, but you have a "she said" or something like that following the quotation marks, so then the end of sentence in the dialogue/quotation marks becomes a comma and the period goes at the end of the actual sentence.

So something like this:

Quote
“Surely no more disgusting than those hairy feet.” Terry said coldly and the poor girl blushed.
should be: “Surely no more disgusting than those hairy feet,” Terry said coldly and the poor girl blushed.

There actually aren't that many instances of dialogue like that though - I can try to go through tomorrow and round them up in one post if that would help?

I see you made some changes (glad I could help) but it was tense changes in "realized" and "continued" in the one that I quoted that was the major change in that area (although I think the dash in the dialogue helps too!).


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Aug 17, 2017 8 years ago
MerlinPendragon
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Kilgharra

I made more changes to the draft, hope it's presentable now.

Aug 17, 2017 8 years ago
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Keliora
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Warbler

Nothing is jumping out at me! c:


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Aug 17, 2017 8 years ago
MerlinPendragon
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Kilgharra

oh great, thanks a lot for all the help. ;3 I'm hoping to post very soon, will give chance in case anyone else wants to give pointers.

Aug 17, 2017 8 years ago
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Keliora
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Warbler

I suppose there's no competitive disadvantage for posting early - it's not like anyone has the same symptoms to cure so hopefully being able to read yours before posting their own won't benefit the champions from other schools.

It's probably the opposite, really - if two champions had similar ideas, it would look better for the one who posted it first. :D


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Aug 17, 2017 8 years ago
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Stygion

I have tomorrow free and will be able look through your entry thoroughly if you decide not to post it yet. I love what I've seen so far! is good and has probably caught everything but another set of eyes can't hurt just in case :)

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Aug 17, 2017 8 years ago
MerlinPendragon
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Kilgharra

I'll let you check it then, if you can't do it let me know so I just go ahead and post it.

Aug 17, 2017 8 years ago
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Stygion

That's wonderful! I love the dialogue between Terry and the volunteer. There are just a couple of things that caught my notice.

The foot will indicate from where the hair should be removed. - Is this part of Terry's dialogue? It's not inside the quotation but sounds like it might be?

and lastly rat spleen which will induce the reduction in nose-size. - There should be a comma between lastly and rat.

The time for the task was close to end. - This should probably be either 'close to an end' or 'close to ending'

Terry blushed after her declaration which caused her to smile. She then turns to the judges. - The first part is written in past tense - 'blushed' while the last part is written in present tense - 'turns.' These should both be the same, either:

Terry blushes after her declaration which causes her to smile. She then turns to the judges. or Terry blushed after her declaration which caused her to smile. She then turned to the judges.

This is going to be great! :D

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Aug 17, 2017 8 years ago
MerlinPendragon
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Kilgharra

Thanks a lot for the feedback- I'll fix the things you bring up. =D

Draft : Hopefully final draft

Teresa picked the volunteer number: number one. She headed in her direction. The girl appeared to have a nose as large as the rest of her head. It seemed to her that the girl in question had probably been in contact with a Swelling Solution and it got to her nose. The easiest solution for this was to use a Deflating Draught, though if her deduction was incorrect and the enlargement was not caused by it, this potion wouldn't be of help after all.

She was thoughtful for a moment. Using the wrong potion would not only cost her time, but also points on the task and so she had to be sure of the potion before acting. Using a different potion might have been her best bet, but no potion came to mind immediately so she decided to get work on the second symptom.

Luckily, Terry wasn't very expressive. The Hogwarts champion did her best to keep her face blank because all of that hair growing on the girl's feet was genuinely disgusting. The strands were long enough to be braided! Terry took a deep breath and kept her calm. She could do this! She only needed to look into her brain to find the answer.

Ingredients started popping into her mind one by one, and soon they gave her the answer to what potion she should brew.

“The Unwanted Thing Potion! Of course, it will remove the hair... let's see if they have the ingredients here.” Teresa went to the table and picked her ingredients: black cohosh, octopus powder, dried nettle, lizard's leg and - hopefully - unicorn hair.

“Oh yes! I'm in luck.” She then turned to the girl and gave her a false smile. “I need something from you, do you mind?” Without even letting the volunteer say a word, she pulled on the unwanted hair hard and took a few strands. “This will do.”

The pleased looked on Terry's face was undeniable. Potions was one of her strengths and there was no way she could fail this task or look bad in front of everyone. Hogwarts was counting on her and she was going to do her very best 'til the end. “You can do this.”

Stepping in front of the golden cauldron she began to recite the instructions in a very low voice. “Pick the dried nettle and crush it into the mortar until it's fine like powder. Yes, this will get rid of the hair: it will dry it until it falls out! Next, add two measures of the powder to the cauldron. In the mortar, grind three leaves of black cohosh until it forms a gooey paste. With this, any hormone disorders can be fixed since surely that is the cause of the hairy thing, ugh! Now, add that paste to the mix and stir gently one time clockwise.” Terry did as she recited and with a pleased smile continued her task. “Now cut the foot from the lizard's leg and add it to the cauldron. Heat for one minute on high and then lower the heat to low. The foot will indicate from where the hair should be removed."

As the champion waited for the minute to pass, she added both the strands of foot hair and the unicorn hair to the mortar and ground until the hair taken from the girl had turned silver in color. “This unicorn hair bound to the human hair will go straight to the problem – the hair.” She nods contently. “One minute has passed.” Terry turned the heat to low and added the silver hair to the cauldron. “Stir five times counter-clockwise and let it brew for two more minutes or until the color changes to purple.”

There was one last ingredient to add to the potion and once the color changed she added it, thinking 'Add one measure of octopus powder to increase the strength of the potion; now I'm sure it will get rid of that unwanted hair.' She waved her wand once and let the potion simmer for five minutes.

Once again Terry went through the potion steps in her head and nodded. She was sure it was perfect, so she put it aside and turned back to her next problem: that gigantic nose. “I'd better do something about that nose before you leave us without oxygen to breathe!”

Looking for a cure for the nose, the champion decided to ask the volunteer a question. “Excuse me, do you feel any other reaction besides the obvious big nose? Like dizziness, or fatigue?”

Volunteer number one shook her head as she responded. “No, only the big nose and a heavy head, surely because of the extra weight..”

“Definitively a lot of extra weight - it's like you have two heads!” She suddenly realized that was unnecessary and just continued. “I will go with the Dimini-Elixir then, that potion will return to normal any body part enlarged in size by any means. Alright, I'll be back soon with your remedy.”

“Thank you.” With hope in her voice the girl replied.

Immediately Terry went to the ingredients table. Seeing that one of her ingredients was unavailable, she decided to summon it from her personal belongings. It had been a gift from a friend back at Hogwarts, but she was sure he would understand why she had to use it now. “Accio Occamy feather!” She smiled the instant it arrived. “Such a pretty thing, too bad you'll be gone soon.” She had already gathered the rest of the materials. These included flobberworm mucus to help thicken the potion, the anti-inflammatory Boswellia Serrata, cinnamon (to give a hint of flavor whilst also getting rid of bacteria and reducing inflammation) and lastly, rat spleen which will induce the reduction in nose-size.

Back to her cauldron Terry went, and in she placed the ingredients in order of use. First the gum resin of the Boswellia Serrata would be used. “Add three measurements of boswellia and let it cook on a low heat for three minutes until it melts and turns to liquid, then stir five times in any direction.” As usual Terry said the instructions to herself as it was the way she always made potions. Plus, there was no way she could do it in absolute silence. Once the first step was done, step two was announced. “Add a pinch of cinnamon and stir once counter-clockwise. Let it brew for 30 seconds and then add two measurements of flobberworm mucus.” Terry wiped her head with a napkin. She was sweating with the heat of the cauldron beneath her, not only because it was very hot but also because the potion was producing light fumes. Once the fumes were gone she continued. “Stir the mixture twice counter-clockwise and add the rat spleen. Flick your wand once. Turn the heat to medium for 45 seconds exactly and then turn it off. Add one Occamy feather and stir once clockwise. Flick your wand three times.”

Soon the seconds had passed and she had the elixir ready and in a bottle with a dropper.

The time for the task was close to an end. Teresa Evans was proud of her work. The potion had the green color it should have had and was just the right thickness. She approached the girl waiting for a cure. “Alright Miss, you have to let the elixir rest under your tongue for twenty seconds before you swallow. In fact, it's hard to drink otherwise since it's a bit sticky! Once it's been in your mouth for the right amount of time it will be fine. Now open your mouth: it's two full droppers required for it to work best.”

“Does it taste bad?” The girl shyly asked.

“You'll find out soon, but don't spit it out or your nose will be big forever.” Terry smirked and it looked like the girl pulled a terrified look, but she couldn't exactly tell because of the size of the nose. The volunteer then nodded in agreement. The thick liquid went in and Terry placed her hand on top of the volunteer's mouth so that she couldn't spit it out. The thing tasted horrible and the texture was quite repugnant. After twenty seconds, she instructed the girl to swallow.

The volunteer touched her nose since it was still big and started to cry thinking that it might never change.

“Just be patient, it will work in a moment.” A minute after, the nose started shrinking little by little until it had reduced to its original size. “There you go, now you have a pretty face again.”

“THANK YOU! My nose is back to normal!” The volunteer was so excited that she hugged the champion tight, but Terry shoved her off. Hugging made her feel uncomfortable.

“Alright, alright! Now you still have to take the other potion, so drink this next and the unwanted hair will be gone in just a few moments.” She handed over the bottle filled with the purple liquid and the volunteer looked at it with a hint of disgust.

“Will this taste as bad as the other?” She seemed to be apprehensive, especially after the taste of the first potion.

“It's that or the hair; you choose,” Terry said honestly to the sad girl.

“I'll take it.” In one short go the volunteer drank the entire potion, though the look on her face proved how bad it tasted. “EWW! It was disgusting!”

“Surely no more disgusting than those hairy feet,” Terry said coldly and the poor girl blushed. “Now watch the hair dry and fall off.” Magically, the hair turned to ashes leaving her feet perfectly beautiful. “Now look at that, you actually have toes!” She chuckled and patted the girl's shoulders. “You are cured.”

“Thanks again for this, it felt and looked terrible! Now you are my favorite champion, best of luck!” Another hug was given to the Hogwarts student who accepted it this time.

“Thank you.” Terry blushed after her declaration which caused her to smile. She then turned to the judges. “I'm done, the girl is healed of both symptoms.”

This is my final draft. I will post it tomorrow unless I get more feedback by then. Hopefully it's error free by now. -crosses fingers- Thanks to those that help- means a lot.

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