THANKS! For opening this, now I hope you will read it through bwahaha.

I had a bad fight with someone I put tons of time, trust, energy, and money into, only to watch them throw it all away into boozing and calling me names, insulting me just about every day for a week as soon as we moved into a new.apartment together. It got physical, lots of hair pulling, slamming heads on walls, and some choking. I hopped off the balcony and didn't look back.

We'd been together for a year and despite we share a sense of humor, spent hours talking and playing games, shopping, studying, cooking together every night, and feel like soul mates, I had to leave on him several times for the same reasons. His sick thoughts he aims at me when he is in a bored, foul state, and drinking. Only to come back because the same promises he has made are so convincing, and he goes put of his way to show he will do better.

Right now I am staying in a women's shelter and found a great lead on a place to move a week from now, sort of far out of his way. Its by my new.job, where i hope to recover the money i spent on him. The new roommate is a man, which I don't care much for, but I feel we can get along without bothering each other. However, I just know if he found out, he might go crazy.

For the past three days I've been ignoring his texts and calls, all apologetic and asking me to come home, he has a new job, he will only be respectful, wants to marry me, but just today I picked it up. Said I'm sick of his lies and there's nothing he can say to convince me things will be different. All the same, I'm tempted to see him, believe him when he says things will be back to good again. Everyone wants a happy ending.

Any advice?

Hi. I used to work in a women shelter to gain experience for school. I'm glad you were able to find a place and that you can move on your own. Were you able to bring your belongings with you? If not, the shelter can usually go with you and a police office to collect them. Don't be afraid to do it, they are here to help.

Unfortunately, a rising truth about domestic violence is that most of the survivors will stay with their abusive partner for various reasons such as children, feeling of dependance, ambiguous feelings like love-hate and so on. I'd never advise you to leave him and to cut ties. That's your own decision to make mostly because we cannot force you to cut ties with him. It looks to me like you are well aware of his abuse and you seem hurt, sad and overhelmed with the situation. Have you talked about it with someone from the shelter?

"It got physical, lots of hair pulling, slamming heads on walls, and some choking." DO NOT go back. DO NOT communicate with him! You are 100% not meant to be together and it's HARMFUL for both of you. I'm begging you, don't put yourself back into that situation. You deserve to be safe and happy. If he still has your belongings, get police to accompany you to retrieve them. You're right - everyone wants a happy ending. Yours is NOT with him. Please stay safe!

The verbal abuse started with him. It wasn't until months of struggling to deal with it, from crying to threats, to moving out, to self harm, that I initiated the physical aspect. I'll take responsibility for that one.

I've since gone back. To find that nothing has changed, he took no steps to find the "help" he promised, and I've had to move out again after being cussed at for hours one night. Now that its too late, he has been begging me every day, sending messages, leaving voicemails to come back, that he has started getting help, found a new job, can understand why i left, etc. Except for one call where i told him to leave me alone, i have ignored all of them.

It makes me sad hearing his voice, and how hurt he sounds. I feel like I'm abandoning my own pet. He's now stuck in an apartment he can't pay for on his own, and right before winter. Unlike when i stayed at the shelter, it is now much easier for me to stay where i am under my new lease than to go back. And i know things could never be the same again. I could not trust him enough to live with him again, and he will never forgive me for it once he is out of denial.

When he was in love, he was absolutely the sweetest person, would go out of his way to make anything possible, all hugs and kisses, would walk miles out of his way to make sure i got where i needed to be safe, planned an amazing life together. Only every other day that he wasnt drinking or tempted to drink. I don't even know if it's possible for a person to really be this sweet without a polar opposite side showing every once in a while. Anyway, I'm just feeling very conflicted.

I understand where the conflicted feelings are coming from. And I won't tell you not to feel that way. But I will tell you that you are doing the right thing. In my experience, people like him never change. They always say they will and sure, they might try for a while, but they always go back to their bad ways. I'm proud of you for getting away from him. And yes, I'm sure it hurts right now, but you need to tell yourself that you're worth more, that you deserve someone who will treat you right 100% of the time, not only 50%. You say that you couldn't trust him enough to live with him again - trust yourself and your own instincts - they won't steer you wrong. hugs I wish you the best of luck in the future.

Hun he is a narcissist and will never ever ever ever ever change. Trust me I have been married to an abusive man for 6 years now, separated for 1 year. They will not change except for brief periods to win you back. Any lies about changing are just that, lies. Narcissists think they are perfect and don't need to change, so they never will. They are incapable of changing because they enjoy abusing others. The "nice guy" persona he has is not the real him. The abusive side you see is the real him.

Look up narcissistic abuse and I think you will find it is what you are living through. Including the fake lovey dovey crap, it's called "love bombing." I am sorry but he is not truly that sweet and kind. Narcissists/sociopaths seem like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but in reality they are just Mr. Hyde wearing a Dr. Jekyll mask. Sorry if this is hard to hear, but is the sad, difficult truth. The only way to heal is to leave for good and go no-contact.

Please, please try to hold your wits about staying away. I know the guilt and hurt from him is enough to make you cave some days, but please don't -- he will NOT change. He will lure you in with pretty words and lies because you're what he takes out all his garbage and issues on, and it's nothing anyone should ever be subjected to.

Change your number if you have to -- delete, block and just completely erase someone like that from your life because you don't need him or his abuse. The fact that he's in an apartment he can't afford is not your fault, and you shouldn't have to take care of him. He is (I'm assuming) a grown-ass man, and needs to figure out his own shit.

I'm really glad you've been able to find a place and have started a new job, and hopefully will be able to get your head back on straight.

Thanks for the support. I've been super emotional over this whole thing for the past few days. Went to a couple of Al-Anon meetings but I'm not very effective at vocalizing in the circle conference church settings. This has been the only place I can get it out.

Thanks for sharing. It's weird, I've been to AA meetings for support, and they like to say the opposite: that what the drunk says isn't a true reflection of who they are, and that you're supposed to passively understand and bear through it if you can. It's messed up. Because that sick man is a very real person you're dealing with, for hours and days, and years on end. It's gut wrenching hearing stories of people in those marriages and relationships for decades and raising their kids around it. I am glad you're getting away.

Interestingly enough, I read a forum about a girl missing her alcoholic ex, and one of the responses was from a recovering alcoholic. Something like, "I don't know how many girls I dragged into my mess over the years, but from my perspective, you're not doing him or yourself any favors by returning to him. He's better off without you." That was a good find.

I got a voicemail from him today. He asked me to come back, but if I wanted to end this, let's "end this right," which sounded menacing. He threatened to contact my parents and tell them my entire sexual history, and ended it with "but if you come back, I'll shut my mouth forever and just love you." Yeah right! I'm a little shaken though. He probably has their mailing address somewhere and I can see him doing it out of spite. Especially when it sets in that I'm really not coming back and he has to deal with all that furniture and rent on his own.

I'm just angry at myself now for letting this relationship go on for so long and growing into the monster that it is. Don't know what my next step is.

Hm I don't know about alcoholics, I just know about narcissists. In any case it's never ok to abuse someone, whether or not you are an alcoholic or drug addict or whatever. I can't tell you how many times my estranged husband called my parents and even my brother who couldn't have cared less about any “wrongdoing” on my part. He always played the victim to them, and how horrible I was, and then I would receive a call or text from my parents on how I needed to change. The last time he did that was when I refused to go to a party hosted by one of his coworkers bc I was getting sick. He called my parents and complained about how awful I was, meanwhile he left out how he threw me down on the bed and grabbed my shoulder with his finger in my face screaming at me while our young daughters watched crying. Freaking psycho.

It sounds to me like he is a narcissist who happens to be an alcoholic. I don't know your situation personally obvs, but my ex does the same thing your bf does. One week he's talking about his new girlfriend, the next he's texting me "I miss us" and telling me he'll buy me liposuction and a house if I get back with him. I muted the phone and laughed at him, it was so ridiculous. I have been through this shit over and over with him, and I know well enough that he will not change, and every promise he makes is an empty one.

I don't know everything you've been through, and only you can decide, but I think you should file a restraining order. You can specify in it that he is not to contact your family or friends. Then if he breaks it he will get into trouble. Also if you haven't already, tell your family the truth about your relationship. My family was shocked to find out he was abusing me bc we seemed happy and he seemed like the perfect guy on the outside. This was so difficult for me to do, but I wouldn’t be free now if it hadn’t been for their help.

It escalated to the physical. There is no going back. Have his number blocked, there's ways to do that. Abuse is never okay. You don't have to have a man to be complete, you're a complete being and worth more than that.

I'm speaking from the experience of an alcoholic narcissistic assmunch of a family member that I had to help my Mom cut ties off completely with. It's never easy to just up and walk away, but you'll be better for it in the long run.

Please consider getting a restraining order. He could follow you, and who knows. I am worried for your safety.

Very proud of you for making such a hard choice, and deciding to leave. It is not always easy. ❤️

It's been a while since I've posted here.

Thank you for posting and the encouragement. Happy holidays!

I still question if it's the right thing to do every day. Since then I'd seen him a couple of times, helped him move, dropped him off at a shelter, helped him write a resume. He still leaves me messages every single day saying "I love you, come back" and "I'm so sorry" as well as voicemails in which he is crying asking for the same. I don't respond to them anymore. Just hope he can move on and get to a better mental place.

So while I absolutely don't want to even risk the chance of going back to the way things were, one thought has just been eating my mind. Life is so short and there are so few people we get truly close to, isn't it our purpose in life to make the most of those connections? He was probably the closest friend I ever had, we were telepathic at times. Maybe that's naive. He used to talk about suicide a lot, especially when drinking, and how most cases happen around the holidays. I think about that all the time. Really hope he is exaggerating his unhappiness and is actually having an ok time with his friends. God knows he has more friends in town than I do.

I hope you and your girls are well this holiday. From what you described, I'm glad to hear you left him after a scene like that - showing your girls that leaving is always a better option than taking crap from the person who's supposed to love you. I'm behind you all the way and am sure you'll keep making the right decisions for your family as they come. I ended up on a youtube video the other day, it was called something like "how narcissists are created." Basically, the mother of a child is emotionally unavailable for whatever reason, and the parents make up for the lack of care in superficial ways, unhealthily boosting its ego and/or spoiling it with goods. It was interesting, and definitely worth watching for a little perspective.

I just found this thread, and I want to tell you that although he might have seemed like your soulmate, he probably isn't. Breaking up and letting go is damn hard (I've been there), and when you've been away from it for awhile, your mind tends to wander back to all the amazing times you had, and you hate to think you invested all that time and effort only to throw it away. I felt the same way about my ex - there were many good things, and many good times, but when it was bad, it was horrid. And, over time, the bad times started to outnumber the good.

Someone who verbally and physically abuses you isn't someone who's good for you. There's no other way to say it. Yes, they pull you back in with promises of love and better times, but it always, always deteriorates again at some point, usually to the point where it's worse than before. It's the classic cycle of abuse. He wants you back because you put up with his crap before, and he's pretty sure you'll put up with it again. He also knows what your triggers are (i.e. you hate to see him unhappy), and he's giving it all he's got to push your buttons. The only person who can be responsible for his well-being is him (don't let him lay it on you). You need to take care of yourself and put yourself first.

Not sure if you've ever heard of the book, "Why Does He Do That - Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft (ISBN-13: 978-0425191651) - it was written by a man who counsels other men who've been charged with domestic abuse offenses. It's an excellent read and I can't recommend it enough. If you can't afford to purchase a copy, you should be able to get it through your local library. It'll give you a glimpse inside the mind of your ex, and it may help you think logically about the situation.

I hope everything works out for you!

I have experienced something similar (am actually right now). I've been with someone on/off for a really long time, and we got really toxic for each other. He was my best friend too once. It's not naive of you to think like that, but as I'm hoping you know too, you should not act on this. Just because this was a very close relationship at one point, does not mean it will not happen for you again. You are better on your own, and will be better with a future partner if you can function on your own. If you feel like his sad messages are making you doubt yourself, distance yourself further from him. Ask him not to contact you or block his number. I understand that it's also the holidays pressuring on right now, and it can affect how you feel. If he decides to end his life, it's not your fault. It will never be your fault, that he cannot get his life back together. It's not your job to save him, even though you would like to see him get better.

I would also like to recommend the book is suggesting. It's very interesting and thought-provoking. If you can't find it physically, I have a digital copy that I can try to figure out a way to send you if you're interested.

Happy holidays, and best wishes for you in the future!

Just a couple of rebutts: you say you feel like no one could be "that sweet" without a different drawback side to them. But I am married to a man who is definitely that sweet - he'd do absolutely anything for me, and is the most patient person in the world (at least with me). I mean, sometimes we do have disagreements and our relationship isn't perfect, but there's not a dark side equal to his good side. There's just a good man who has foibles like any other normal person. So don't let it feel like the bad is a fair price for the good. It's not. There's other people out there who don't have serious malfunctions that aren't likely to get better. (And seriously - I'm kind of a hard person to be with. I'm high-maintenance and I have a lot of issues, some of which are due to what I have next to say, some of which are mental disorders, some of which are medical issues that make certain aspects of a romantic relationship a little complicated. None of this is a trial for him; he just takes it in strides and happily enjoys my company anyway. It boggles me, and I spend a lot of time wondering how he can just love me like that - but he does. Men like that exist. Find one.)

I never had a situation where I had a romantic relationship I needed to just end, but I did just cut off completely my father for a while. He was a textbook narcissist and dealt me tons of emotional/mental abuse that still lingers to this day, not to mention through gaslighting and other narcissist techniques did tons of damage to relationships with other family members. I mean his whole side of the family all throughout my youth legit thought I was actually crazy, mental - I'm a writer, so I spend a lot of time thinking about the fictional, and I'd talk a lot about characters and plots I'm proud of, but he had them convinced I was detached from reality and needed psychological help. My "crazy" is actually mundane levels of normal for a writer. Anyway after a really super huge fight where he did more direct verbal attacks than normal, I just told him that I didn't want him in my life anymore, and then I didn't answer his calls, read his text or emails, and made myself scarce if I knew he was going to be somewhere. This happened my first year of college so it was possible for me to just not be there wherever he would be. Saying that you don't want someone in your life anymore only works if you follow through with iron will of determination. And while people can change...it's just, the stakes are so high to keep hoping for that. People don't usually change in big ways, and problems like alcoholism and narcissism are just such big things to change that it's not likely to happen. While it's good to hope, for him, that he can figure it out, don't hope for you that he can because the price of the damage he does to you is just too high. Also the suicide thing is actually a common tactic for guilt tripping and controlling victims so...even if it's a legitimate concern, it's not your job to sacrifice yourself to fix him. That exasberates the problem. He learns he can control you by complaining of something serious, and may actually feel suicidal in conjunction with wanting you with him more. If you can't bear not to do anything, keep on hand the number to the suicide hotline or the text number for the text version of the same thing. If you feel seriosuly worried for him, you can give that to him and keep detached.

And as for feeling like you lost your soulmate...My experience is that you don't "find" a soulmate. That's nonsense. You choose a soulmate. Some people might click for you more than others, but that doesn't make them a soulmate or not. If that was true, my husband and I would not have worked out. (I mean I only became friends with him to pass a physics class.) We're together now because we choose every day to care more about each other than ourselves, because we choose to work as one solid team. And it's not always easy! But that's what would make us soulmates. You will find someone who can do that for you who you will want to do that for them. You might even therefore think that you can't possibly have a soulmate right now, because they only exist after years of working together and becoming so connected in a way beyond any mere chemistry or common interests. I like to think of my grandparents, who communicate with each other so well, understand each other so well, but only after decades of learning how to do so with each other, of work and care and determination. I don't particularly like to refer to my husband and I as soulmates (and neither does he) because we haven't hit that level of synchronization yet, being a youngish couple who have just barely finished surmounting various communication challenges common to any relationship. Perhaps we will be soulmates when we've been married for twenty or thirty or fifty years, who knows. For now, we're just ecstatic, still, to be married, and trying our best. So...perhaps with that perspective, that mindset, you can find a little comfort. You haven't lost a soulmate, and you have every chance and ability to be with one in the future.

I just found this. I hope you're well. It sounds like a super bad situation that you should not be in.

My sister is with a narcissist and she's got 3 kids from previous relationships (two of them have the same dad, 1 does not*) and 2 with him. She stays because "the boys (his two) need a dad"... but her other 3 don't have one anymore :(... (just recently went off on drugs, so sad for those kids, because before drugs, he was a GREAT dad and even helped with the boys, while their "dad" was in prison for beating my sister). Guess what, after he got out of prison, she got right back with him, she even took his calls and wrote to him when he was in prison. :|

You know how she found out she was pregnant with narcissist's 1st? After he beat her so bad she wound up in the hospital. Hospital gave a test and she was pregnant. SHE STAYED WITH HIS SORRY ASS and he still beat her while she was pregnant. Basically, as soon as she could be pregnant after the 1st, she was again with the 2nd. Because he would not let her get BC because HE is catholic and doesn't believe in it. She's not, and he should have no say what she does with her own body. He threatened to rip out an IUD if she got one. Please, please, don't go back. It's not safe for you.

*note about her other three kids A, B, C, A+C have the same dad, B, in the middle has a different dad from them. Their dad and my sister were on a break and she messed around with someone else and got pregnant. However A+C's dad took her and raised her from birth, since she got back with him very shortly after, and she's never known a different dad

On the flip side of the coin, there are very nice men out there. My husband is one of them. He works hard every day to provide for us (we also have a son). We are lucky that his job is good enough, we can afford what we need and I don't have to work. I have terrible mental heath issues that would prevent me from having and keeping a job. And he understands this, he never pressures me to get a job, even when money is tight. He understands me like no one else. We met in high school when I was 15 and he was 17, I'm 30 & he's 32 now. Our son is 10. We bought our first house 3 years ago (it is possible on 1 person's check, if you budget and don't buy a house out of your price range. Our mortgage payment is less than we were paying for rent!). Sure we argue sometimes, but we get over it. And it's never physical. Love shouldn't hurt.

I really hope that you are well, and that you can find someone to treat you with the respect you deserve to be treated with. <3 hugs

Sorry to sound harsh, but he put you into this situation and you deserve better. It's too little and too late for him to be apologising now.