When I was 19, I was emotionally unstable young adult who had an obsession about death and negative perceptions of myself such as I was worthless and stupid, in which was fueled by friends and family. My friends didn't respect me and would toss me away like dirt, I tried very hard to appease them but it was never sucessful. My parents were both physically and verbally abusive and although I cannot completely blame them for it since they came from a third world country where child abuse doesn't exist, I cannot simply ignore it either (such as my father making me eat my report card for getting a C in the 6th grade). My boyfriend at the time was abusive, we had a bdsm relationship however it was so bad because he was so paranoid of me going to class or hanging with friends that he made me skype him wherever I went. He would guilt trip me saying if I didn't pay attention to him 24/7 I basically didn't love him and this of course conflicted with my studies. All this pressure built up over time and I couldn't cope with it all and I drowned myself by playing a game called Terraria. Terraria was what I needed at the time because I needed to feel useful and I was not actually stupid. As I played Terraria more and more, I lost touch with reality, days passed. weeks past, and my grades suffered. Then eventually the finals came, I knew I couldn't pass and I went in a mental breakdown and ran off in a dorm 1 mile off campus, trying to steady my resolve to kill myself. One of my friends online tried to talk me out of it and respecting his wishes I didn't kill myself, but I couldn't go back home where my father would yell and hit me. So i decided to run away, I though if I ran away from home, then the life I had would be dead. I didn't have much respect for my body so I looked for another bdsm relationship online to find a place to live. I didn't care about my safety because i felt if the stranger I went to killed me, he would do the one things I couldn't do myself. So I left the day my parents were suppose to pick me up from my university and took a ride that took 7 hours. I will refer the man I live with as "room mate". So when I went to my room mate house, I remember the pain of being pushed against the wall and soon the floor. It was all surreal like it wasn't real, one moment I was a student and the next a play toy. He allowed me to be on the laptop and because of that it wasn't too bad because whatever he did could be neglected with Terraria. Terraria was my safe haven until the server I played on died and everyone who was my friend cursed and cussed me. I don't feel like explaining in this initial message, but if you want to know the whole terraria experience just ask down below (its very long). Anyway my terraria experience became a nightmare because I started losing the ability to care for others because I was scared of trying. The whole experience only gotten worse with a girl I loved who used me and tormented me saying she loved me when she clearly didn't(I can explain if you want me to).

My point is Ive been playing Terraria for 4 years and I am turning 23. I am no longer suicidal anymore but I am scared to leave this place, and if he pursues me or finds a way to sue me. What if I don't change and leave and I spend my life playing games with the freedom I want. Its terribly scary.

How would he be able to sue you?..Maybe you can organize your things and go to a shelter in your area? This person is an abuser...i really know how hard it is to get out of something like this but your life and safety are so much more important <3

I don't know he been feeding me and sheltering me so I dunno , i just feel like he would make me pay for him wasting his money on me, it makes me paranoid. I dunno about a shelter because I am scared about me not changing, I be a hassle to shelters.

You have gone from one abusive relationship to another, and you were raised by abusive parents. That's why you feel worthless and stupid. You have been told repeatedly that you are, but it isn't true at all. Abusers hate themselves so much so they project everything they hate about themselves onto their victims. So don't let yourself believe you are truly worthless, stupid, or any other negative thing! Don't beat yourself up because you feel like you need to play Terraria to escape, and feel like you are incapable of change. That is your abusers talking. You should google Narcissistic Victim Syndrome and see if that sounds familiar to how you feel.

Do you have any reliable friends or any non-abusive family you can stay with? If you don't then please google and find a local shelter. You won't be a hassle to them, this is what they exist for. You CAN leave your abuser and turn your life around, I promise. I left my abusive husband last year and yes it was hard but it was the best thing I've ever done.

I don't really have reliable friends even if I did I am scared I will just waste their time. My extended family is terrible, they tried to sue my father saying our family took money from them (we did not). So yeah, I just want to change but change isnt something you can really enforce. The only reason why I have changed so much over the years is trauma and over trauma and eventually it stop meaning something to me.

If they are truly your friends then they wouldn't feel that you are wasting their time. Do they know what you're going through? Maybe you could sleep on their couch for a few weeks while you get back on your feet? Or you could try applying for financial aid and then go back to school and be able to to live in a dorm without your family's involvement.

I know it's so hard to change and you feel like you're stuck in the situation. You also feel like you're worthless and don't even deserve any better. I was there and it's so hard to break out and realize that you are worth more, you have just been verbally beat down over and over again.

how does one start, even when I was at my university my parents did things for me to limit the freedom, i became so coddled it scared me, I don't know how to cook, apply for a job, make a bank account. I feel useless when I shouldnt but I am turning 23 and I haven't done anything with my life and I am scared I will never will.

I feel you, I was coddled growing up and never learned how to take care of myself till I was early to mid 20s. I still hate talking on the phone. You can apply for financial aid online. To apply for a bank just find one you are interested in and go in, and they will be happy to help. (I think credit unions are better. My credit union doesn't charge overdraft fees, whereas Chase charges you overdraft $30 every day you are overdrawn.)

If you go to your local shelter they have ladies there that are so helpful with everything. I went to my local one and they helped me fill out my restraining order paperwork. They help you with everything to transition women out of abusive relationships. So things like finding work, finding an apartment, all of those things and more.

Here's a link to a local shelter directory

I guess I am just a coward its like what if i shut down again like in my university and run from it all again.

I know it's hard to start and you feel like you just want to stay where you are because at least it's familiar. Can you contact the university and see what your status is and if you can go back? As I said I hateee talking on the phone, so see if the registrar has an email. My friend flunked all her classes one term at a community college because her mother passed away. A few years later she wanted to go back to the school, let them know what happened. and the Fs were removed from her record and she was able to qualify for financial aid. If you can't go back to the university then apply to a different one, and then transfer your credits. I've done that a few times.

If you don't feel like you're ready, it's ok to wait. Many women leave only to return to their abusers several times before leaving for good. It's not like you have to leave right away, it can happen slowly. Just start by calling a shelter's hotline number, or going in and just talking to a counselor to see what options you have.

I can go back? It doesnt even seem possible for me.Even if I did go back I wouldn't have my money because its with my parents and it would cost too much. Also I am thinking if I do go back I would have to change majors because I don't think I am capable of my previous major.

Yes you can! I just turned 33 and I went back to school after 7 years. I know you're only 23 so you are still considered a dependent, so your parent's income would be taken into consideration for financial aid. Do they make a lot? There are some circumstances that you could still be considered independent under the age of 24:

Be an orphan (both parents deceased), ward of the court, in foster care or was a ward of the court when 13 years or older; Be a veteran of the Armed Forces of the United States or serving on active duty for other than training purposes; Be a graduate or professional student; Be a married individual; Have legal dependents other than a spouse; Be an emancipated minor or in legal guardianship; Be a homeless youth; Be a student for whom a financial aid administrator makes a documented determination of independence by reason of other unusual circumstances.

You can say that you are homeless because you are in a less than ideal living situation. Or you could petition that you are independent because your parents are abusive. Or if you don't want to deal with any of that, you could look for jobs through the school. Like in the cafeteria, library, bookstore, etc. to help pay. What was your major?

I wanted to originally be a biospysch major but chemistry was my downfall and made me lose alot of my self esteem. My mom doesn't make much and my dad got a job after I left so I do not know. I kind of want to be a software engineer but I don't know. I heard you can get a job without an education and vise versa. I mean I considered trying my passions as an idea for work but I have no talents so I decided something as straight forward as programming is the best. I don't hate my parents to say they are deceased. I care about them in some way even if they hurt me a lot and I mean a lot. I don't think I can be married because I don't think any girl wants a dead beat like me and also I don't know how to date women as well I can with boys, but I am afraid of dating guys rn because of past terrible relationships. Geez I am a mess.

Change is usually gradual. You'll change and you won't notice is all! You'll find yourself ten years or so later to find that you have and when you do, you'll marvel at it. Of course, this doesn't mean you can just sit on your hunches and wait. Change also requires activity. You have to want to do something and you have to do something too.

I can't tell you to stop worrying because everything's going to be fine and dandy, since it probably won't be. But I can tell you to at least try. Nothing happens when you keep getting cold feet. If you try, then you can say you tried and the ball's in everyone else's court. Then, you can say that it's not your fault.

If chemistry is kicking your ass and you need it for that major, then yea you should probably switch to another major you love but you will be able to achieve with less difficulty. It's pretty normal to change majors. Don't stay with biospysch if it's not what you want anymore. I have changed majors a couple times. At one point I was majoring to be a legal secretary. Now I would never think of doing that. Change is normal!

It's hard to think of dating again, for me too. I mean if my celebrity crush were to ask me out then I would say yes lol, but aside from that, I just have trouble trusting men now. Don't worry about dating again right now. Focus on yourself. If you're like me you've neglected yourself because you are so tuned into other people's needs. In abusive relationships or situations you feel like you need to give everything to your abuser to try and make them happy so they won't hurt you. Once you are out of that relationship you need to focus on healing.

If you wanted to pursue financial aid, I think you should tell them you are homeless, or that you have a unique situation because your parents are abusive and you cannot live there.

I suppose, i just wish I could move forward at times. I am scared of him, our relationship isnt terrible but when he gets mad he can be painful. Like one time he beat me because he thought I broke his blanket.

I don't think I ever truly wanted to be a biospysch major, I just did for my parents because they wanted me to be a doctor. Relationships are hard for me, every relationship I been in was painful and unloving. So there is this girl named Anastasia and she was my first gf. I stopped being suicidal because of her and I considered leaving here seriously, to me she was the rope out of my ditch. Then we broke up and I felt very lost. But she would continuously tell me how much she loved me and she would flirt very hard til the point she made me say I love you to her, then she would tell me she wasn't ready. I was very emotional because I felt she didnt care about me and all she ever wanted was to toy with me . So I decided to date my friend to try something new, his name is Donovan. Don was one of my good friends at the time and he would motivate me when ever she brought me down. But he never loved me, he just pity dated me, so I broke down inside and I had problems loving other people. The worst part is that she was flirting with me even when I was dating him, so I was constantly stressed and unhappy. I want to have a family one day but I am this mess, and I feel like crying because of it.

If it's not what you want to do then you should definitely change majors. Otherwise you're gonna hate your career and feel stuck later in life. Programming could be fun and lucrative too. Do you still talk to either of those exes? The relationships don't sound like they were healthy for you and your self-esteem. Don't rush into a relationship hoping to start a family. I know it's hard when you want kids so you end up settling. That's what I did and now he's my estranged husband. Remember you are going to have to have ties with your kids dad, so try not to have kids with an asshole. You are still very young, so you don't really need to focus on that for at least a few years. Focus on healing yourself and getting in a better living situation first. Once you are in school or working and free of your current situation you will feel so much better and won't feel like you are a mess.

I still contact my maybe gf, Ana. Its complicated, it started me off breaking up with her a year ago then she came into my game server saying we were dating, I didn't want to upset her so I allowed it , then she told me I wasn't even her main partner so she irritates me. Why do I do to not attract people like this?

Sounds like she is just using you. Narcissists use people who are kind and generous. You might also be looking for anyone to date and overlook their true character. Do you feel like you just settle for partners?

I just want someone to like me but isn't clingy and is willing to ask if I want to do anything. I just get frustrated that i feel I am the only one who cares at times. I am not actively searching for a partner its just I feel lonely at times.