I've been asking myself for over a year whether it is wrong to not love or even care about my mom. It's been ingrained in my brain that I have to love my mom because she is my mom. But, I don't.

Growing up, she was almost never around. She left me with an abusive dad. Sure, she was abused too, but she didn't protect me. She only cared about shopping and her family. By the way, she cares way more about her nieces, nephews, and siblings more than she does me. She always praises them.

As I grew older and she was forced to take care of me, she became verbally, emotionally (and rarely physically) abusive to me. She always got (and still gets) mad when I try to have a heart to heart conversation with her and when I'm myself. She's so closed minded. She can't accept who I am, because it doesn't fit her "perfect daughter" vision: kissing her ass and not caring about others but her and her family.

Lately, she's being hating on my boyfriend. He's an introvert and takes a lot of time to warm up to the idea of meeting others. He's also got some sort of condition where he doesn't have much natural energy, despite being in good physical shape. She thinks he doesn't love me because he isn't attached to my hip. She can't understand that we can't go everywhere together. We both have school and I work. Also, my boyfriend doesn't want to meet my mom, because of all the times I've told him how much she hurts me and how judgmental she is. She almost ruined our relationship at one point.

On the plus side, she does give me money and food.

I've been in therapy for almost 2 years. It's helped significantly, but I still don't feel right not caring about my mom. I also can't move out, because I don't have the money right now. I want to finish school before going to work full time.

Are my feelings validated?

If it makes you feel better, I don't love my father. I also want to move, but money is an issue as well.

- Thanks, that does make me feel like I'm not alone. :) I wish it was easier to live on your own, but it's nearly impossible when you're in school.

By the way, I love your forum title!

I know. I tried it for awhile and well .. It didn't work so well. I wish you the best tho! and thanks :)

- Thank you! I wish you the best as well! :)

I was in a very similar situation with my grandmother, who sounds a lot like your mother. My grandmother could be vindictive, selfish, interrogative, and emotionally abusive to both me and my mother. I hated just about every day I had to spend in her care while my parents worked at their job an hour away for four days on and four days off. Now that my mother and I have moved to a totally different state where it is impossible for her to get to us, I refuse to talk to her. My mom still does on the phone, but any time she asks to talk to me I just refuse. I want nothing to do with her what so ever, and if someone were to ask me if I love her? I don't know if I could give a straight answer. I thank her for providing me with food and a place to stay while my parents were gone, and I thank her for the things she has bought for me in the past, but I don't know that I love her.

It makes me feel like a terrible person sometimes because she /is/ my family, but I can't help the way I feel. I just want nothing at all to do with her anymore, and I think my life is better without her trying to make me feel awful about myself and my family.

I don't think it's wrong not to love her, though I'm sure some people would disagree with me. Family is important, but there is no reason why you should love someone who makes your life miserable imo. I hope things get better for you soon!

- I'm sorry you had to deal with this too. I'm happy you've finally gotten out of the situation.

That's the problem with how I feel. Family is supposed to be important, but how can I love someone who has hurt me so much?

I would like to never speak to her again, but I don't feel right doing that nor do I think it's possible. My sister would nag me to no end. She has the same problems with my mom as I do, but she has a bit of a better relationship with my mom. Also, my mom is sneaky and is very good at finding info on the internet. She found my boyfriend's Facebook without me telling her his full name and did a background search on him. It's scary that I may never be able to fully escape her.

That sounds like something my grandmother would have done if she had been more tech-savvy at the time. Instead, she would just interrogate us like a police officer would interrogate a criminal, either in person or constant phone calls. She would complain to me about what my parents did, which I had no control over at 13 years old, and try to pry answers out of me that she didn't need to know the answers to, very much a control freak, and would be very degrading to us if we ever did anything at all that she didn't like or agree with. I am an only child, so the only real tie I have to her now is my mom. I'm thankful I was able to get out of that situation. Hopefully you can get away from the situation too, or at least come to the status of, "agreeing to disagree" with her.

- Your grandma's interrogations and complaining sounds like how my dad used to be. He was a total control freak and always said how my mom was evil, killing him, etc. I don't care if this sounds wrong, but I'm glad he isn't alive. He was a threat to my safety.

I don't think my mom will ever agree to disagree. It's her way or go to hell. I want to put a cease fire, so to speak. But, she will never change her ways. The only thing I can do is talk to her as little as possible about very simple, casual things.

I have no sense of family and don't ever want to start a family. I feel forever jaded by the abuse I've been through.

I don't blame you for feeling that way about your dad if that's the case, sorry to hear that.

Sorry to hear about your mom being that way too, so I guess just keep things minimal, short, and polite if there's no way you can get away from her.

I can understand that too. I'm still not entirely sure I want to start a family of my own either, but things do change eventually. The idea of a nice, peaceful family is something I would want to aim for if I ever get that chance someday.

- Yeah, you're right about things changing. Maybe after I'm settled in with a full time job and a man (hopefully my boyfriend), things may change. But, as things are now, both of us are strongly opposed to having kids.

I hope you're able to achieve your vision of a peaceful family.

Well, you never know c: Hopefully things work out for the best for the two of you.

Thank you, I hope so too c:

I've never understood this idea that just because someone else chose to force you into their family that you have to love them. You didn't have any choice in the matter regarding who your mom is. Personally I think the idea that you have to love someone, especially because of something completely outside of your control, is bogus. You never have to love anyone. It's not love if it's not freely given. (This coming from someone whose ideal world includes no contact whatsoever with her birth family, but I think my opinion still counts for something.)

- Thank you! :)

- Yeah, it's society that drills in the idea you have to love your parents. Do they completely ignore abuse? It feels that way...

Can I join your ideal world? :3

If it helps, I'm completely estranged from my Mom's side of the family.

I never knew most of them because I was kept from their emotionally and physically abusive ways from childhood on and after my one cousin on that side threatened my father, I told my parents I was never going near them again.

Just because she's your mother doesn't mean she automatically has to have your love.

- Yeah, that does make me feel better. At least you had supportive parents that respected your decision to not get near your mom's side of the family again.

Yes, and I'm assuming you're a legal adult, no one should be forcing you to go be all lovey dovey with your mother either.

- Yup, I've been a legal adult for a few years now.

Yeah, I can't stand being forced to love my mom. That actually makes her not love her even more. I don't like to hug my mom. When she asks if I love her, I say I "loaf" her. It's my way of trying to avoid conflict.

I think I'd have a really hard time loving someone like your mom as well. I don't blame you at all and I don't think you should doubt yourself anymore. Someone who's done the things she's done to someone who shares her blood...that's just wrong. I give you mad props for not saying you hate her though. You're obviously a better person than she could ever hope to be.

I have nothing more the advise than do what's best for you. Ultimately.