I felt this way towards my dad most of my life. He was really abusive towards my mother and me and my siblings growing up he didn't have his mother or father they both died when he was a baby then he was raised by his grandmother who passed away when he was around 18. He started drinking a lot and also using anyways hes always called me names to the point I would feel like dying or to the point I wished he was dead I even vowed to not go to his funeral or to go and spit on his grave. Well aaaaaaaanyways we went to this cps meeting when i was 19 because my mom and dad were is a custody battle for my younger sibling and my dad introduced my little brother as his son but didn't say im here on behalf of my kids and the cps lady was like to him he has issues basically what kind of father are you and she basically laid him out and since then we have spent more time and I think i will go to his funeral now lol ;p i feel bad though thinking like that.

- That's so nice of you to say. :) I'm trying not to doubt my feelings any more. The posts I've read here are making it easier for me to do that.

- Thank you!

- That's great you were able to spend time with your dad and now things are better between you two! :)

Unfortunately, in my case, I've already tried to spend time with my mom. She won't change the way she treats me. I'm not saying I don't want to go to her funeral or spit on her grave... that's sounds hateful. I just don't love her.

It's not wrong, or strange. Family relationships are complex, because whether you like it or not you are tied together in some way. That doesn't mean you have to put up with her abuse though, and it isn't wrong for you to want to get away and cut that negativity out of your life.

I felt this way about my brother for a very long time. He's an addict (sober now for 4 years though) and he was such a toxic person to be around. For years I felt so angry towards him and I just couldn't get over it, and I realized that I love him very much because he's my brother, but I don't like him as a person and I want to have minimal contact with him. When I came to that realization, it was like a huge relief and it put so many things into perspective for me. Our relationship is much better now and he has a beautiful son that I adore, but I still don't want to be too close with him. I'm happy having him at an arm's length.

Your situation is much more complex and your mother is outright abusive, but I hope you realize too that even if she is your mother and you may have some sort of love for her, you do not have to like her and you're not obligated to care for someone who has put you through so much pain.

As humans, we're ingrained to love our caretakers. But honestly, if they do something to really mess up that bond, we're not obligated to continue tohold fast to something we don't feel anymore.

In my case it's becoming both sets of my grandparents. As a kid, I adored them, both sets. They were my grandparents you know? These older mentors, your parents parents, and if you love your parents, you love them too.

Later in life I realised my love had really been wrecked by constant criticism, comparison to other kinds my age or younger who were richer, smarter, better etc, always being talked down ot for weight or looks or grades or life choices.

One thanksgiving I finally walked away. I couldn't take the constant stream of bullcrap I was getting. It was hard at first because yeah, I found myself wondering if I made the right choice. But after a year or so of total separation, the next time I saw them and got the same treatment I realised how happy I'd been for 2 years. It was like a light turned on. I'd done the right thing for myself and going back, even for a little bit showed me that walking away had been life changing.

If your mom's behaviour changes and she tried to make amends, you can be open to that, but honestly, you don't owe her anything. And if she "changes" but acts the same way all over again, don't be afraid to just walk away for a while. You don't have to announce it either. I didn't with my grandparents, I just made the choice not to visit them. It made it easier on me, because I wasn't dealing with emotional backlash from "abandoning them" I was just sort of in the wind.

Right now I am going through I very tough time with my other grandparents, and although some of their abusive behaviour might be linked to dementia (we're not sure yet) There has been PLENTY of abuse that I endured that didn't have any excuse. And it's been damn hard to try to assert myself to my mom (It's her parents) and say "No, I can't be around them right now because they are abusive." Because I feel like I am abandoning my mom to them, but in reality, if I don't look after my own mental health, I could end up back in the mental hospital like I did earlier this year, which was a DIRECT result of abuse and manipulation from my grandparents. It was my own twisted sense of "devotion" and dedication to "doing the right thing" that lead me into a despair so deep I felt my only way out was to kill myself.

NO ONE should make you feel like that, and people who manipulate you consistently don't really have a place in your life.

Since you have a therapist, I recommend having her help you with assertiveness, not aggression, just assertive behaviour. When your mom says something alienating or hurtful, use a calm tone of voice and let her know how you feel. Remember to use words like "I" and not things like "You" Since moving out is not an option, see if you can sort of schedule your time in the house around hers. i.e. Can you do laundry or cook when she's in her room or asleep?

See if when she begins to criticise your boyfriend, if you can redirect, instead of getting angry or wanting to defend him. Say things like "Can we not discuss this right now?" or "If you'd like, we can talk about this over tea" Let her know that if she needs to talk about this, it will be on YOUR terms. That way your are finding ways out of the conversation BEFORE it starts.

As for loving or caring about your mom, take it from this view. She is also a human like you. She has wants and needs and pain just like you. If she gave zero fucks she wouldn't give you money. Are their things about her you can respect, without having to excuse her bad or hurtful behavior? Is there common ground between the two of you that you can acknowledge and appreciate, without being angry over her other hurtful ways. Change starts from within. I know that sounds cliched, but if there are even a few things you can find in your mom to appreciate or respect, maybe those things can open the door to something more pleasant for you.

You don't ever ever ever have to excuse bad, evil or hurtful behaviour, but maybe you can at least get to a point where you're on equal ground with your mom, at least enough to care about her. Love comes later, when we can let go. I'm still working on that in some cases, so I can't say I've mastered that.

I hope that helped some.

- I'm happy things are better with your brother.

I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to love my mom. I've been hurt so many times throughout my life that I think my view of her is permanently damaged. Maybe in the distant future this can change, but I don't see it happening any time soon.

- That helped a lot. I'm sorry about your grandparents. It's an awful thing to go through.

Yeah, I do my chores when she's not home. On the weekends when she is home, I go to my boyfriend's or a friend's place.

I can respect that she is a hard worker, but not much else. I can't talk to her about the boyfriend, ever. A few days ago when I was recovering from wisdom tooth surgery, I had to stay at her house all weekend. She was mocking me because I couldn't be with my boyfriend. My stepfather was also mocking me, saying I wanted someone to love me. It was horrible, because I already missed him. They always mock me and bully me. So, I've decided to talk to them as little as possible.

I wish I could run away from them and not contact them for a long time.

I wouldn't say it's wrong at all not to love someone if you don't have a good relationship with them. It's completely okay to simply acknowledge that they brought you into the world and that's something that you can be thankful for, but you don't have to love them if they've done you wrong.

I have an okay relationship with my mother; now that she lives down in Cali with my little sister + stepdad, we don't talk as much, and when she lived up here she was the typical kind of "loving-but-tough" mom, which made me resent a lot of my teen/early preteen years because of how she nagged me, but I can't really blame her in retrospect.

- I'm happy your relationship with your mom is okay. I'm also glad I don't have to be obligated to love my mom just because she's my mom.