So right now I don't know if this is going to be asking for advice or help or just writing it all down or what but oh well here I go. At first glace, I am a stereotypical teenage girl. I'm blonde, spunky, absolutely hilarious, always smiling, female equivalent of a womanizer, and I am probably the skinniest girl you will ever meet. However, I wear a mask a lot. I am a very independent person, and I hid my depression for a very, very long time because I understand, more than anyone, how many hidden battles people are fighting and not to burden them with the little things. I learned the hard way that this wasn't a little thing, in fact, it has become a very big thing. I am nearing agoraphobia, and leaving the house has become an anxiety-riddled, angry, and very sad time. I have no appetite, in part to to the depression and in part due to my gastroparesis, a disease of sorts that essentially makes my stomach not work. I digest food through my intestines, an egg salad sandwich laid in my stomach for 2+ hours before they just stopped the test when I was diagnosed. I am always tired because I never really sleep, and when I do the pain in my stomach gives me weird food related nightmares. I qualified for MENSA membership and, honestly, I am ashamed of that. I am a freak, and I should not be that way. I quite honestly despise my intelligence because A. I don't want it. B. People judge me on it and C. It's a burden I don't want, the high expectations, the need to learn, aspects of myself I would rather not have. I have severe body issues, but everybody thinks I'm lying when I try and voice them because I firmly believe I am too skinny. I look like a twig. I have no "womanly curves" to speak of, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot gain the weight. I am 114.2 pounds and 5 feet and 2.5 inches. Men find me very attractive and I do date a lot but I have commitment issues because I am extremely cynical and every time I've tried seriously dating he's either cheated, turned out to be certifiably insane, secretly been a drug dealer (that was fun to explain to mother dearest...) or, probably the best one, been my best friend's ex whom I accidentally developed feelings for. I have perfected a fake smile and my friends know better than to ask if I'm ok anymore. I have survived child abuse, and I still have nightmares about that. My childhood has severely shaped my future. When I was younger, the only time I would leave the house would be visitation, and that led me to dislike leaving. I would be locked in a room, which I came to prefer, because not being fed for a weekend with nothing but a computer (that was locked) and a couch was better than being outside with my biological father, where he hurt me. I live with horrible guilt because I left my step brother behind when I was adopted, my mom could only save me, her biological child. I still cannot go to a playground without looking for him, and I remember him all the time. I am also a survivor of multiple rare diseases, concussions, and hospital stays, which led me to homeschooling for a time, and then freshman year from hell because I had to make it through a school day when walking was literally my biggest challenge. Some days I would wake up and I could not physically sit up, my body did not have the energy. I was extremely ill and only recently did I begin to live a semi-normal life. School is extremely difficult for me because I have a very hard time "suffering fools" as my mother puts it, which means I have no tolerance for hypocrites, liars, stiff-necked snobs, backstabbers, or people that behave with less maturity than my little cousin, who is in first grade. I have a very hard time experiencing happiness, but I can bond with people, and I can form very strong bonds with people. I guess I just don't know where to go with this, or what to do next, or anything. I'm on the waiting list for therapy, and they gave me little green pills, but I made the decision to reach out to people, and just see where I go from there. Thank you, people, for reading my rambling post, and for any advice you may have.

Awww, I definitely know how that feels. I was diagnosed with depression at 14 and everyone thought it wasn't possible. I was a happy-go-lucky kinda of girl, hyperactive, happy, and love to laugh. But I got horrible depression since I was 10 and been through bullying, teasing, body issues, problem finding friends, anxiety, negativity, and lastly OCD images flashing through my head. When I was finally admitted to the mental hospital, I was diagnosed with depression and OCD (which was unexpected because I thought I would be diagnosed bipolar or cyclothymia) but that was just the begin of the battle. Though what I learn from rooming with the other teenage girl patients and as I learn later on from 2009, is that depression is very common. So don't ever feel alone. Really don't. Then I went to therapist after therapist and later partial hospitalized. Then I was later diagnosed with major depression and then a few years later Seasonal affective disorder.

Although, I admit, I can't relate to you in agoraphobia,the dating attitude (I only dated one guy), or the stomach issues,but I can relate to you with depression and anxiety, as well as body image issues. For the longest time, I was subconscious of my weight. I was like 110 pounds at 14, but depress eating and medication made me gain weight, which was bad for my height (4'11). And especially being Asian, where girls are thinner, I always felt different in a bad way. It didn't help that the Asian culture can be blunt and brutal when it comes to appearances. I also got multiple panic attacks and suicidal thoughts a lot. So I felt like a disgrace or an embarrassment to my family.

So that's just getting to know me! :) My recommendation (mainly because I forgot what was my point typing the above ^ but oh well, it does the job of relating to you!) that helped me through the years and now are: (I like lists, so sue me)

• Read good books. Reading for me, was an escape of reality and focus on the antagonist's perspective and their world rather than my own. And read uplifting books, those can help a lot.
• Music. It's nice to find lyrics that can relate to you or soothe you when you panic
• Have a sense of humor. Lately, I just try not to take things so personally and just learn to laugh at things because things do get better in time. Looking back, I realize that I should've laughed more and just smile more. :) It's like those stories that feel and sound horrible at the moment, but you laugh at them later on, whether because it was silly or it wasn't something that we should've made a big deal of. Oh, I like finding things that will just laugh. I lovebooksofadam.com
• Talk. Seriously, don't be afraid to talk to someone who will be willing to listen. That could be a friend, parent, or therapist that can help you. I hold in my depression for almost like...5 years before telling anyone. If you keep it in, how can you move on and go forward? It's a big step sure, but it's a step closer to find peace or stability. -Don't compare yourself to others. It'll only put you down and makes you feel like you have reach "perfection" when in reality, those people who you're comparing yourself to probably have insecurities and just starts a cycle of comparing yourself to others. It's not a healthy obsession and it puts you down
• And lastly, what I noticed in depression is that you're constantly thinking about yourself, 'I suck at life' 'I hate myself' 'I'm terrible at blah blah blah' ^ Noticed a pattern? I, I, I, is all that is circling in our minds and what helps me is to volunteer or just caring for others. It puts less focus on myself and my insecurities. Plus, I feel better knowing I could help/encourage/change someone's life. I also think about what about my choices affect others and if I really do care/love them, would I really make this choice?

That what helps me. :)

Oh, and like I said, don't EVER feel alone. I know and read a lot of posts on Subeta and TONS of users have depression. It's the most common metal illness out there and just like you said, you would've have thought that others or a specific person could have it, but indeed a lot of people go through it. So you are never alone.

"which means I have no tolerance for hypocrites, liars, stiff-necked snobs, backstabbers, or people that behave with less maturity than my little cousin, who is in first grade"

Heh. That's no abnormality. xD I too have a deep, molten loathing for anyone who chooses to act like an imbecile. It's a terrible choice to make, frankly, and I have no idea why anyone would find comfort in that. Ugh. Don't stop hating morons.

Growing up, I had a neglectful father (my mom would braid my hair and send me to his house for the weekend, and I'd come back to her without even having showered) who would verbally abuse me, and saw nothing wrong with what he did--still doesn't. He doesn't even remember it, they were such non-incidents to him. I once put the vacuum cleaner in the wrong place after finishing my chores because he'd just moved and he'd had it in the middle of his room for me to start, so I didn't know where it went--he was also on the phone, which means I was not allowed to talk to him, so, you know, I couldn't ask.

He not only yelled at me for putting it in a place where he could stub his toe on it (it was in plain sight, not possible), he told me I was ungrateful, selfish, and extremely immature for lying to him about not knowing where it was supposed to go (I didn't). When I tried to protest, he'd cut me off and tell me he KNEW I was lying because whatever reason.

A therapist suggested to my parents that I might have a form of autism when I was four, but neither one of them did anything about it. This is important because it means I'm a "slow" person compared to someone without, so I thought my dad was telling the truth the whole time I was growing up. I've suffered from depression and low self-esteem as long as I can remember because I legitimately thought I was a ungrateful little liar who put suffering upon my parents because I was too stupid to figure out for myself little things like where the new location was for the vacuum (how the hell would I know?). In recent times, I've gotten smarter, and I'm no longer fooled by my dad's bullshit--but I'm still behind. For example, I had to be told by my mom that he was lying when he said I was abusing his trust by "lying" to him, which was a terrible thing because he NEVER lied to me, since he honestly did lie like a fucking rug. His lie scale was off the charts, and I had genuinely no idea.

...Which is why I hate morons as much as I do. Not why I hate them period, why I hate them /so much/. No joke, my dad is a moron. He'll walk on the carpet with muddy shoes and then yell at /me/ for dirtying the house. I've come to expect that anyone as moronic as he is must also be as violent, so I won't go anywhere near them. I have very few friends. >_>

My mom is as ditsy as he is stupid, so since they divorced when I was three, she remains blissfully unaware of how he likes to treat me. I've tried explaining it to her, but she's the kind of person that doesn't listen and is too dumb to think anything bad could happen in THEIR life, so there must be a misunderstanding~! So, I'm kinda screwed. I tend to wonder if I'll ever make it out alive with every passing year.

What helps for me is talking about it. It helps me put my feelings into words, helps me rationalize incidents, and helps me take the reins on my emotions. You said you were gonna get therapy, yeah? I suggest that you open up to that person and make them listen to you ramble on as long as you'd like. Even if they're bad at suggestions, just the talking itself is therapeutic. Do you have any pets? Plants, even? Try talking to them, too. Talk for miles. Talk ears off. You'll feel stronger in the long run.

I was really depressed once. For a long time I thought that I'd be ok, but it piled up until I finally just broke. I was a terrible mush of emotion and self-disappointment. I was able to reach out to somebody and things got better from there. I didn't really get treatment, and I refused medication. After an initial interview, it was decided that I would get several sessions with a psychologist. All we did was talk, but it really helped. I haven't changed much. I still get depressed sometimes but I can manage it much better now.

I'm glad you've reached out to someone. It's probably one of the hardest steps before you can really start getting better.

Thank you for your input. Reading is something I value, along with video games. I have taught myself to code, and that is a reprieve. I also do listen to a lot of music, I recently got an iPhone so I could take my music with me easier. I also have a sense of humor, I like laughing and I miss the days when I laughed all the time. I will take your advice and your words with me. Thank you again.

Wow. Your story sounded just as bad as mine. I have no tolerance for idiots, which means I have fewer but better friends. Unfortunately I cannot relate to having a ditzy mom, mines brilliant like me, but being naive enough to believe it is your fault has nothing to do with your situation and more to do with just wanting to see the best in everyone but yourself. I do have pets, four cats, and one in particular that we rescued is what you call a "sensing" cat, he's very sensitive to emotions and what I am going through. I talk to him and he stays with me while I ramble. Thank you for your story. That must have been hard to share.

Thank you for your kind words and advice. I really hope your struggle goes well. :)

- You seem to have a lot of the same life issues as I had as a teenager. I was diagnosed with depression at that time, while attending an extremely rigorous program where I got only a few hours of sleep each night for months on end. Vivid nightmares and hallucinations interrupted what sleep I did get and caused my work to suffer, caused chronic stomach ulcers from stress, and likely prevented me from growing any taller. Whenever the stress became too much for me at home, my father would become upset with me because I "could take it", and was probably just whining because I wanted an easy out. He was not physically abusive, like your father, but the same lack of trust was definitely there. Years later, when I called him to announce my engagement, the first thing he said was "Are you pregnant?" (this was terribly offensive to me at the time, as I had never had sexual relations and had told him as much).

It was only recently, in my mid-twenties, that I realized that his 'unfair' assumptions stemmed from his inability to comprehend the motives of other human beings. He only knows himself, and what he has seen other people do, but he doesn't really know why (though he thinks he does). He has gotten better in my lifetime at social skills, but he definitely started out so deficient that he would likely have been diagnosed with high-functioning autism (formerly Asperger's) if he had been born today. He has a brilliant technical mind, but he can be a very difficult person to work with. Realizing this helped me clarify some of my own issues because they are similar to his--I don't readily understand other people (especially "fools", as you put it), and so come off as an irritating know-it-all, insensitive, stuck up, or just weird. No matter how far you are from your parents, you can never escape them--you will find more and more of their traits in yourself as you get older; knowing what their weaknesses are will help you better yourself. I have made very serious efforts to consider the motives of people who are hypocrites, liars, and snobs, and I have been surprised at how reasonable their actions seem from their own point of view; often they have no idea how their actions are affecting the people around them--particularly those outside their social sphere.

I know that body image issues are very difficult to come to grips with, but you have a perfect BMI score (right smack in the middle of the 'normal' range). I have a similar BMI score, and people are always trying to 'fatten me up' because they think I am too thin, which is simply not the case. I have also dealt with body image issues, though they are the opposite of yours--I worry about gaining weight. I also have stomach problems, though not as severe as yours, and can relate to having difficulties with food. I hope you have found some solutions.

I like to listen to podcasts to get my mind of my most difficult troubles. Burying myself in a creative project (drawing/writing/building something) is much more satisfying if I can get myself started on it. The best way I've figured to get myself out of a rut is to schedule regular meetings with friends or family. It gets me into a new physical location, and helps get my mind off of whatever demons are bothering me. If you have a shared hobby with someone, even better (eg. I have recently been getting my mother's help tailoring a wool coat, which has been a positive experience)

I am very sorry that you have had so many difficulties already, and I hope you find some happiness in the future!

Wow, thank you for your story. I don't really think that you can blame it all on Asperger's though, I have friends with the syndrome that are still kind human beings. I have one friend who is on the more severe end of the spectrum, in a special-ed class, and is still very sweet and kind. Even if he does have a condition, that doesn't excuse how he treated you. I know my biological father was a diagnosed sociopath (doesn't really experience or understand emotions vs psychopath who doesn't feel but understands and can fake it) but I don't let that excuse anything. Keep looking up! :)

Anytime ^^ I can't say I have much advice, but I can speak from my own experience. I'm more of a good listener, if anything.

- I'm not so much trying to excuse his behavior so much as understand it. Of course a psychological condition doesn't define someone's entire personality. People with autism spectrum disorders come in many different kinds--some are nicer than others. I have definitely met a few who were so bitter about their inability to fit in that they intentionally offended people to keep them out. My dad isn't usually unkind, but he has high expectations of his children, and takes it hard when we don't succeed. He's definitely not a sociopath, and, in fact, is the "nice boy" on his side of the family. He's the one who goes to see dying relatives because it's the decent thing to do while the rest hover like vultures, eager for their inheritance. He is upset when he sees his relatives lying, scheming, or being foolish because, as adults, they should know better. My father has a strong connection to his concept of fairness and justice--which is typical of people with AS. He was mistreated by his peers throughout his life because he was 'different', which has made him cynical. For me, realizing that he didn't just not trust that my intentions were good--he didn't trust that anyone's intentions were good, helped me put our relationship into perspective. One of our common exchanges is:

Me: "You just can't trust so-and-so..." Dad: "Sure you can trust them, just not in the way that you thought." (ie. you can trust people to act in their own self interest)

For me, it's worth looking past his weaknesses because he's the only father I have, and he hasn't done me any serious wrongs. Some of my friends have fathers like yours, who have really hurt them, and either don't care or refuse to acknowledge the fact--that's a different game, and you're well within reason to stay away from him. What I was suggesting was that you think about your father's thought process as part of healing yourself. Doing this has helped my friends deal with their lingering suffering after they had gotten out of the abusive situation. It's helped me build a better relationship with my father because I understand his emotional limitations. Because I no longer feel betrayed or hurt about his misguided assumptions about my motives, I can drop those issues and not let them weigh me down any more.

I don't know if that helps any, but that's my advice from my experience. I'd like to thank you as well for sharing your story--it is a big step to open up about challenging personal issues.

I've actually been adopted since, birth mom and dad who did the whole raising me thing. He's very far out of my life, and he is not supposed to ever be able to interact with me again, I was young, so I didn't understand, but I think it's something similar to but not exactly a restraining order. Any lawyers wanna take a crapshot at what it might be, be my guest. But I suppose trying to understand is better than excusing, I'm just not big on the whole "well, I only have one dad..." thing. I feel like there are so many people in this world there is at least one that should be a kind figure you can go to for advice and guidance. I'm a lot more of a "it takes a village" kinda girl than "It takes a mom and a dad." I believe that if kids were only ever raised by their mom and dad no other influences we would have a lot of kids with huge deficiencies, because no parent is perfect, and they would be passing on their shortcomings tenfold. So if you're worried about the whole "I only have one dad thing" try treating it like true love, because if that's the only reason he's still in your life you can find a new dad like finding a new true love, with work, time, and trust. Don't hold yourself back on account of anybody.

- I'm really glad that you are out of that situation and that you can start over. I totally understand choosing family--I have had a number of people in my life that served as grandparents and mother figures when my own grandparents and mother weren't there for me. I am definitely a believer in putting in effort to make relationships work, though; if both parties are willing to try, then it is worthwhile (which is the case with my father).

;) I don't think I'll find another true love if something happens to this one. But, then again, I am happy being alone and have never sought out a romantic relationship.

Well, true love was meant to be more metaphorical, but I don't believe everyone has "one true love." That's placing too much happiness on one person. But good for you, keeping your dad around.