I don't often actually finish writing things, so now that I'm taking a Writer's Craft course at school and am actually completing pieces for assignments, I thought I'd get some critiques for them. I know that there are some fantastic writers on Subeta, and I want to say be gentle with me, but that's not realistic. I need to toughen my spine, right? xD

This was a narrative essay assignment, in which we had a lot of free rein. Essentially all we had to do was choose an incident that involved some sort of conflict; whether it was fictional or from personal experience was left completely up to us.

Subeta formatting has killed my indenting, so uhh, pretend that there are indents, okay? c:

 When I was four years old, Tuesdays were special days. Tuesdays were my father’s days off, the days I was free from my babysitter, and the days my father would come to pick me up from kindergarten. He would sweep me up for a hug, and I would plant a kiss on his cheek, laughing at the rough feeling of his stubble against my skin. Even then, he constantly had the scent of cigarettes on him; I just wasn’t bothered by it yet.  Sometimes, he would ride his bike, and I would sit on the wire rack at its back, pressing my face to his shirt while my arms clung to his waist. Other days, I would place my hand in his, and we would walk, arms swinging, pausing now and then to say hello to his acquaintances. We would usually go straight home, where I would colour and play with my toys until my sisters returned from school. Every once in a while, however, there were the days he took me with him to play mah-jong at a friend’s house.

 I was not fond of those days. The air was saturated with pungent clouds of cigarette smoke, to the point that my mother would complain of the stink that clung to my clothes once I got home.  I was the only child there and would waste away the time by sitting at a vacant table, idly building pyramids from the white and green striped tiles. My father and his friends would occasionally come to humour me, marvelling at the height at which I had stacked my tiles, or asking me if I was hungry. As I was a shy child, my responses usually consisted of an assortment of short answers and head movements. I nodded my head when asked if I had eaten lunch, shook my head when asked if I was thirsty, and nodded again when asked if I wanted one of my sisters to come pick me up. My father would see us off at the door, a thin curl of smoke rising from the cigarette in his mouth as he waved goodbye. 	

 At some point, I learned that cigarettes are bad for your health. Armed with my newfound knowledge, I made it my personal mission to get my father to quit. Every morning I would remind him to only smoke a certain amount, our pinky fingers intertwining in a solemn promise.  Day after day, we would continue this routine, and night after night, I would count the number of times I had seen him smoke. I wasn’t a stupid child and knew there were times when he smoked out of my limited sight. As time passed, I began to associate cigarettes with the bitter scent of broken promises.  

 The next phase of my mission was to sabotage my father’s supply of cigarettes. If I was feeling charitable, I would simply hide them from him. If not, then it was more than likely that the cigarettes found themselves hacked to bits by my safety scissors and flushed down the toilet.  I am sure that I was caught several times; after all, I wasn’t exactly keeping my destructive streak a secret. However, I can’t remember ever truly being scolded for my crusade against cigarettes. It could be that these memories have just been lost to me with the passage of time, eclipsed by more memorable points in my life. However, I prefer to think that my mother and sisters didn’t have the heart to punish me, giving that my intentions were, for the most part, good. My father simply told me that what I was doing was a waste of money. I stopped soon after, feeling burnt by the smell of tobacco lingering on my fingertips.

 I remember once hearing from a classmate that their father had quit smoking once they were born. I marvelled at the admission, wondering why I wasn’t important enough to warrant that change in my father’s behaviour. My mother attempted to explain the roots of my failure to me: my father simply didn’t want to quit. He had begun smoking at such a young age that it was now a fundamental part of his life.  At the conclusion of her explanation, I nodded that yes, I understood. But comprehension did not mean I felt any better, especially since I was hearing this from my mother and not the man himself. The back that I had once clung to now seemed beyond my reach.  

 To this day, my relationship with my father is a strained one. I love him, of course, but I never feel like I can truly talk to him. I continue to tell him that he should quit smoking, and he still gives me a blithe smile and tells me that he will try to cut down. To this day, I continue to avoid the smell of cigarettes, just as I avoid making promises that I can’t keep, or don’t intend to keep. 

Thanks for reading! n____n

I only had a chance to read the first piece, but you have a beautiful style! It looks to me like you've got a good feel for sentence and paragraph flow, as well as all those handy grammar basics that trip a lot of writers up. You have a distinct voice that comes through well, and your descriptions have the right amount of detail.

The main thing I would suggest is changing some of your sentences to make the story more immediate. The last paragraph in particular ("To this day...") makes it sound like we're hearing someone give a speech. It undercuts the emotional impact, making the reader feel more distant and uninvolved. If you cut out some of the asides and cushioning bits (phrases that aren't crucial to telling the story, like "to this day" and "of course"), it might help the reader focus more on the content of what you're saying. Selectively breaking up some of your sentences can help too, since shorter phrases call more attention to themselves.

Overall, it looks really good. I'm curious what your teacher thought of the piece. :)

Thank you so much for the advice, I will definitely keep it in mind the next time I'm writing!

Haha, in regards to what my teacher thought about it, it's kind of an embarrassing story actually! My teacher really liked the piece, and so he asked if he could read it aloud to the class. Part of the process work that we have in this class is that we need to have our assignments peer edited several times before we hand it in, so I had previously had it read by others with no problems. Yet for some inexplicable reason, I ended up crying when he read it out loud to the class! I suppose it's a rather personal piece, but I really did not expect myself to react that way. Let's just say I was very glad that there weren't too many people in class that morning. :'D

Aww! That is embarrassing, but it's also kind of sweet. I can relate, sometimes you have no idea beforehand when something's going to hit you emotionally. I'm glad he liked it so much.

Firstly, I can kinda relate to the smoking thing, and I really liked the way she totally destoyed her dad's ciggs haha. But anyway, I read the first one and will probably do the second if you still want the critz.

I liked it! It was easy to read, and I wanted to read on at every paragraph end. It's obvious you have a style and you know your characters enough to allude to other aspects of them without going into detail (it says she's shy, but she also seems a bit socially isolated and stubborn as a motherlover haha).

A few things I have to say, it seems a bit clumsy in places, some of the words you used were really well put (like "burnt") but others seem a bit mismatched. I don't really have an example, just here and there.

But I totally think it deserved to be read out in class, it's a really great peice of writing :D

So sorry for the late reply!

Thanks for the read and advice, haha I will try and think my word choices through more next time! What's unfortunate is that I don't always have the most time to work on these pieces before submitting them, because I have my other courses to worry about at the same time x__x

I'm glad that it shows that I know the character well, because the first piece is actually about myself... xD

I'm actually going to remove the second piece for now, I'm not really satisfied with it, and even though I submitted it for my class I think I'm going to rework it on my own time c:

No worries haha. It's a shame they don't give much time for creative writing in schools/colleges since they're compicated, but I guess it can't be helped.

Haha I guess that does help XD

Well if you ever put it back and want crit on it, just give me a ping and I'll be happy to :)

I'm actually in my last year of highschool, which means I have the lovely pressure of applying for universities/maintaining my average so I can keep the entrance scholarship I've been offered xD definitely leaves less time to work on something like creative writing, which can take hours of editing and rewriting if you want to do a thorough job :c

Dayum, sounds like a lovely time :I Yea I can imagine that creative writing isn't the most important thing right now, I too am applying for unis this year and I barely have time to come on here between studying and sorting out my UCAS haha. Buuut I hope you do pick it up again after you get into uni, if not just because you seem to have a knack for it and it would be a shame for that to go to waste haha.

Totally reminds me of when I was younger, eh eh...

Overall, I give credit to the realism and characterisation.

Haha, sorry for the late reply, just tells you how often I come on subeta nowadays! I am definitely going to keep writing on the side, I think it's what keeps me sane when I'm stressed out, to be honest xD Good luck to you with your university applications and all the other "joys" that come along with growing up :'D

Thanks for the comments (:

I can't believe I haven't seen this till now...

Karen, you have a beautiful style! the writing flows wonderfully and even though I have never experienced this before, I could feel myself getting it completely and even feel like it was me. You are so so talented ❤

Haha thank you! You as well :)

Thank you bb ❤️ Your comment means a lot to me, considering how much I love your pet stories ;)

I've taken the time to read it and I REALLY love the simplicity of it! I don't have parents who smoke, but it really reminds me of the children book, Ramona and Her Father. Cause I recall him smoking due to being fired from work, and Ramona went to great lengths to make him kick the habit!

Thanks for letting me relive one of my favorite childhood classics. x3

Great read, didn't really see any grammatical issues! ^^

Aww, I remember loving Beverly Cleary's books back in first grade! I'm touched that you think this piece is somewhat reminiscent of her style ;u;