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Jun 17, 2021 4 years ago
Professional Mooner
Bearie
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Craft

so i just wrote this last night when i couldn't sleep and i was wondering if yall could give me some critiques before i go further with the story. you definitely dont have to be nice as i would like to improve as a writer and expand from just my usual poems. thanks so much ! the story is about these two so far;

Flaunt
Cherub
story;
SPOILER (click to toggle) Clouds that look like fluffy puffs of cotton float by Flaunt as they head towards the Cloudspire City. They had a meeting with Archangel Demetrius, about what they did not know. Flaunt was nervous and their wings fluttered anxiously carrying them swiftly along. They thought this must mean trouble if an Archangel wants to meet with them. They tried to push the thoughts aside and focus on at least appearing to be calm. This was proving more and more difficult the closer they got to the city.

The city was the capital of Angelicus and filled to the brim with angels going about their business, rushing here and there. Some angels relaxed atop clouds seemingly unaware of the city bustle. Flaunt zoomed past one such angel, Cherub was her name. She called out to Flaunt. “Hey Flaunt ! Where are you going so fast ?” Cherub had once been quite close with Flaunt back when they were both in the academy. She had missed Flaunt and was happy to see them again. Flaunt slowed down to see who had called out to them. “Oh, Cherub, long time no see ! I haven’t got the time to catch up at the moment. I have a meeting with Archangel Demetrius. Maybe some other time ?” Cherub looked stunned. “An Archangel meeting huh ? Getting reassigned to a new Ward ?” Flaunt had not considered this possibility. “I.. I don’t know. '' they stammered a little taken aback by Cherub's question. “You okay ? You seem a little nervous “ Cherub could see the worry on their face and noticed the anxious jitter of their wings. “Cherub, I’ve not had a ward before.” Flaunt didn’t like to admit this but she was an old friend and they knew she would be supportive. “How is that possible ?! We left the academy ages ago !” Cherub had had 3 different wards since graduating and couldn’t believe an angel from the academy wouldn’t have been assigned. “Well I.. I studied under Magister Articuno, mastering my magical skills. After graduating I just stayed in the academy studying, it was just until I got assigned but I never was. I didn’t think much of it as I was helping teach young angels and assisting the Magisters. Now I don’t know what to think !” Cherub was surprised. Angels are always assigned a ward after graduation. Why would Flaunt be exempt ? They didn’t study to become a Magister, they studied to be a Guardian. This perplexed Cherub and she wanted to know more. “Hey, we should meet up after your meeting if you’re able. It's been a while and I would love to catch up, but I know you have to get to the meeting. Here, summon me with this rune.” Cherub drew her rune on a scribe's scroll and handed it to Flaunt. “Bye !” she exclaimed as she fluttered away towards the main square.

Flaunt was very confused and slightly worried that this meeting was indeed to assign them to a ward. Their thoughts spiraled. Why hadn’t they been assigned before ? Why would they be assigned now after all this time with the Magisters ? Flaunt knew they were meant to be a Guardian, as they studied for it and were chosen for it. All this time they just assumed there was no need for a Guardian, but if Cherub was assigned, and as she said everyone was.. what was different about Flaunt then ? The worries were consuming, so many questions and yet they had to get to this meeting. They resolved to push it aside as they arrived at the entrance to the Archangels quarters.

[img align=center]https://i.imgur.com/cD0qDYV.gif[/img][img align=center]https://i.imgur.com/pZJYyk4.png[/img][img align=center]https://i.imgur.com/eswSnrS.png[/img][img align=center]https://i.imgur.com/Gj9DhHn.png[/img]

Dec 28, 2021 4 years ago
bouquet
is a flower child
User Avatar
Sunee

i like this! the story seems like it would be really interesting and i would love to read more if you get around to writing more. as far as advice, for structure i would break apart the dialogue so that it’s a little easier to read.

“hey,” she said.

“hi,” he said, then walked away.

like that yknow. also something that has really helped my writing is trying to stay away from writing exactly what the character is feeling. so instead of like “bob felt sad,” maybe like “bob clutched his fist while a single tear fell down his cheek”. iit gives more imagery and can help the reader feel a bunch of emotions however they interpret what’s happening, rather than being limited to just one.

i bring that up because it’s mentioned that in the first paragraph that flaunt is nervous and then cherub later points out that flaunt LOOKS nervous, which is a cool way to handle not having to write how a character feels.

also i think the “they” pronouns are super cool! the only thing i would watch out for is an unclear pronouns, since pronouns generally refer to the last proper noun used. so anytime “they” is used, i would look back to see what the last proper noun was to make sure that it was Flaunt and not clouds or Archangel. it’ll make it flow lotsa better

again !!!!!! lemme know if you write more i would love to read more

in the trap house: skritchin scratchycards 1,400/5,000

Feb 26, 2022 4 years ago
Professional Mooner
Bearie
User Avatar
Craft

tyty so much i appreciate your feedback !! you are totally correct in everything you said and it has helped me a lot so really thank you so much. ♥

ive been going thru a lot but i want to revisit this i will def let you know when i write more/touch this up with your advice. you are precious and i hope youre taking care of yourself ! ♥

[img align=center]https://i.imgur.com/cD0qDYV.gif[/img][img align=center]https://i.imgur.com/pZJYyk4.png[/img][img align=center]https://i.imgur.com/eswSnrS.png[/img][img align=center]https://i.imgur.com/Gj9DhHn.png[/img]

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