Okay...so I have recently started seeing this guy, turns out we actually knew each other in highschool. We ran around a lot of the same circles, yet it was never anything more than the occasional hello. We didn't really notice each other until now, years later. We have gone on a couple of dates, he has even come and hung out at the house. We work the same schedule as closers, so we are able to spend more time together than most. He is super sweet, really intelligent, respectful...and I feel very lucky.

However....

For some ungodly reason, I find myself waiting for the other foot to drop. I am slightly paranoid, waiting to see some sort of mask slip and have that "Ah ha! I knew you were too perfect!" -moment. I am almost waiting to see if he ends up being another f-boy. I over think and over analyze constantly, before I know it, time has passed, I have hurt my own feelings and am 3 deep in apple cider doughnuts. I am starting to think I am a masochist and like the abuse. Anyone else sort of self sabotage like this, or is it just me?

So, how were your previous relationships? Not too good? I had similar feelings when I entered my current relationship, one of not many 100% positive relationships I had in my life with people in general. At first I was just "okay, I wonder what dark secrets does he have, in which way he sucks", and then it turned out he's perfectly fine, But some part of me didn't believe it, so I started being anxious and done/told some weird stuff, probably because I thought he would do something nasty as a result, dunno, maybe yell at me, start drinking, just leave or something. And he didn't. Because he's just a good person, good people exist. And now we're fine. But I guess it might be really difficult to get to this point, especially without knowing examples of good people/relationships. At least to me it was.

I have no idear what is normal. I hope it's not so common to think so negative with fear about the situation.

I have worst experimences by some people in my life, but those people has forget me and I'm out of their lives and much more important to know, they are out of my life too. So all the people in your whole live who has hurt you and has make you uncertain, are not the energy worth you block yourself and a potenttial good boyfriend in spy, to become more happy. Simple. Others has hurt you, but he didn't.

I feel sorry for you because you feel so much fear and pain besides the feelings of hope, he loves you really tough.

A man who spent much time on you, likes you really very certainly. I have no idear he could be a f-boy or so. I would believe he is nice and he likes you.

But I know nothing from him and you as a woman far away in the Netherlands tough. I say only what I suppose if I read your problem.

If I navigate on my own feelings I would always ask myself when I have good feelings of bad feelings or still unclear feelings by some kind of person. If I had to do with a nice man, but I have uncertain feelings tough, I would ignore my feelings of doubt and fear, give myself and him a change to be happy together and dare to live. (How cliché to say, but still honest).

Nevertheless I'm not a professional psychologist tough. I can only say, if I had problems like you, I would go into therapie for that. It's not a shame to ask for help by a professional.

You would be right in the assumption that none of my past relationships have been good. I have been put through it as far as ex boyfriends go. I have been cheated on, beat, you name it, it's probably happened. Until I had my son, then I stuck to myself for about 6 years and wouldn't date anyone. This guy, he is the first one I have given a chance in a really long time.

Things have actually been...kind of okay. We have had our disagreements, because he has PTSD from serving in Iraq for 6 years and I have Borderline, we definitely butt heads sometimes. However; he is honestly the sweetest and most attentive guy I have ever had the blessing of being with.

Now it's more of a fear of losing him. Which he has been super patient with me...and has been willing to face adversity with me. I know he will stand next to me, I contribute that to the soldier in him though. I feel like that sort of thing never dies out once it's been instilled in you.

I still wait for something crazy to happen, but maybe things won't be so bad this time around. I just really hope I learn how to block out the paranoia that plagues me.

I have no idear how it is to have got borderline. So I'll not talk about things I have no clue about.

I hope for you to find a friend to talk about how it is to have borderline. A fellow sufferer could have a lot of you and you for her.

You boyfriend can also looking for help for an other fellow sufferer who has PTSD.

I'm not an expert, but that's what I believe. Mutual support and recovery with fellow sufferers.

You and your boyfriend can life together and each of you has a specific fellow sufferer.

I wish you success and strength and I sympathize with you.

Thank you very much for your kind words. It means a lot, especially when one tends to feel hopeless. Interesting you should mention fellow sufferers, I thought about maybe looking into support groups for both of us.