Chapter 4

For most of my life, I knew I was different from everyone else, it started when I was at a very young age,  I can't remember exactly when these thoughts crossed my mind but I just have a memory from when I was a youth. Laying on the couch in my parent's house, on McGilwrith. Hugging a pillow, imagining that I was cuddling someone but this wasn't just an ordinary someone. I imagined that I was a guy cuddling me, which honestly I must have been around seven or eight at that time. To think that a kid at that age would even remotely have the idea of cuddling someone as a form of affection is odd, but to think about the same sex that way, is also odd. It's not like, I wasn't taught this by my environment or my family members.

Why? This was around the late eighties early nineties at time homosexuality, was such a taboo that you would never really see anything like this in mainstream society, as we do now. To a degree, that if you saw such an LBGT person in mainstream media, it was a caricature and flamboyant mess. It wasn't until I was probably around twelve or thirteen, that I knew after learning from my environment what it was to be "different", and how being different was not something I should be thinking. I did go to church from time to time during this period but I never regularly went to church. I know, what you're about to read further on if what truly happened was divine than it just proves to me that to be connected to a higher power. One doesn't simply have to go to a congregation to worship such an entity.

Anyway, I digress, let us get back into the swing of things. It was then, around this time that I began to develop feelings for guys my age. Which to be honest frightened me, because of the stories of Brandon Teena and Matthew Shepard. While that was a factor in me hiding who I was for years, it wasn't just the sole reason why I couldn't fully admit to myself that I was different.

Now I know many of you feel that I am gay, but simply that isn't the true case with myself. I can't really describe it but I also find women very attractive but might be a shock to some of you out there. I have never really experienced anything sexual with a woman, to a point that I know I could but it simply not something that entices me and to be honest, I don't really find sex in general overly enticing. While its great and all, I'm not out there trying to get that sex injection in my veins. I'm more passionate than anything else, I crave the love and experience of being with someone, to a degree that I find that act of giving a person my love, my time, my hopes, my dreams. Is what I feel being in a relationship is all about.

Now could I love a woman, the same way I would love a man? Honestly speaking, at this moment in time probably not, while I find women attractive and could have sexual intercourse with them, I would just be lying to myself in saying that I would truly be able to invest my whole entire self in a relationship. I couldn't just do that to a person, I would want to lie on a daily basis, to a point where I would be lying to myself. Where forming a family with a woman and having kids, and ultimately, in the end, hurting them the most. I could never do this to anyone, let alone a man or a woman.
For years I hid behind the lies of myself and who I truly am, which again I wouldn't say I'm gay/straight/bisexual or any gender. If yes if it revolved around sexual intercourse, you could classify me a bisexual because I prefer both men and women. However, as I stated I am more passionate and I feel like I don't see genders fully when looking at people. If I see something about a person I like, then that means I'm not looking a penis, vagina or breast...although asses are a different story and a muscular guy is as well but that is my preference...so yea...just like a nice fit woman piques my interest as well.

Now you'll be asking have you had sex with a man? That is a complicated issue and something that I won't go into great detail about, because you probably don't really want to read anything about that, but I have...and....honestly speaking from my experience...it was overrated to a degree and point that I just don't see what the deal is...I just don't know...maybe it would be different having sex with a woman...maybe? Like I stated, almost 36 years old and never had sex at all really....NO, never penetrated anything..mkay.

When I did eventually have sex, it was just overall I couldn't see myself gaining anything from it, maybe it was bad experiences, I don't know but it just didn't do anything for me really...like I said I'm more emotional/romantic and I personally care more for the relationship side of things than anything else. Growing up also made issues with myself, to where I couldn't fully admit to myself who I was, I was never really that popular guy in high school and honestly, I just couldn't seem to be able to relate to the loners of high school...Like for real, you know you're lower than dirt when the less popular students of your school won't even talk to you and when you get prank called by one of these people..Yeah not great at all.

I was always bullied in high school but I was never really bullied in the sense that it was physical abuse, this abuse was more verbal and psychological abuse. For example,  months after Columbine happened, and I remember this as clear as day. A curse, because I have a great memory and I can remember very mundane details, to a point that it pains me to remember something with vivid clarity. Anyway, I digress again, this one kid was like during class...Better watch out, Aaron might come in and Columbine this place. I guess that was Muskegon High for you! A school that probably got worse over the years, but you knew it was shitty back then when a someone sets a couch on fire or left their baby in a girl's bathroom trashcan to basically die.

Around my 10th-grade year, is when I began to actively skip school. If I think about it now, there were a few reasons why I ultimately did this. Some of the issues with my mental disorder began to manifest, but not fully. It wasn't for years that things truly began to manifest. I just honestly at that time, felt like school was a waste of time. I truly loved everything about school experience, the learning the studying, etc. Prior to this I was doing great but my grades started to slip in junior high, which I felt like it was beneath me to do homework, but amazingly while I didn't do any homework I would pass all of my tests. yet, of course, it wasn't enough because homework tends to be the larger part of the grades.
By the time, I was almost 17 it was then that the school thought it was time to intervene? Like really, over the course of five to six years, you finally think it was time to intervene, and never truly ask why? I began to get my classes audited by probation, and yes I was starting to improve my grades. yet near the end of my first semester in twelve grade, I began to skip classes again and by the good graces of a few administrators and Muskegon high. I was able to go to MTEC and finish my classes there and still be able to graduate, or did I? That is another story, of how I graduated but never graduated. Which I thought was weird at the time.

My mental problems began to develop and I began to become very delusional. It was around the age of 18-20 that my delusions manifested fully and I think during this time period, I hurt so many people with my delusions but this wasn't done in a standard sense.

I would go onto Yahoo Chats and I would pretend to be a girl, and befriend girls and guys but mostly guys. In online relationships, I guess you can say I catfished people long before this was the norm. My favorite areas around this time were the gothic sides of Yahoo chat and eventually began to migrate towards Yahoo Chat Anime. Where I probably irreparable hurt two people whom I never truly wanted to hurt in my life ever. One was a girl, and her name is Kirsten (Curseten how she pronounced her name Woods and the other person was a dude named Leo. During this time in my life, I never felt closer to these people, they were like my soul friends, I felt like I have never met so many amazing people in my life. There was Sarah, Diego, Gury, Lola, Su Jung(Crystal)....probably the first woman I began to have feelings for in my life...I mean I had feelings for Kirsten but it was more friendship wise than anything else, yet Su Jung was different....she is Korean and its like I dunno when I was in chat and I communicated with people, it was hard for me to describe but I got a sense that I could fully understand and feel what they were typing as emotions.

What do I mean by this, well back when chat room was all the norm, and you never really had video chats. You couldn't really get that body language tone from a video chat or from talking to a person in real life. Which you solely relied on your words to convey what you were saying to a person, and to this degree, I felt like chatting with a person, was more of a connection to a person than anything really. When you chatted with a person, while yes you were chatting however for that person to fully understand where you were coming from, you had to invest so much more feelings and emotions than you would have done so in real life, and I felt like at that time. We somehow could and still can transmit some of our thoughts, feelings, and emotions electronically. Which when forming relationships on-line where it be emotional or entirely platonic, we put more thoughts/feelings/emotions into what we are doing and I do feel like this does get transmitted. Which is why I feel like people back then became more attached to long distance relationships.

Now, you're probably wondering why I did this, and truly it had to revolve around my thoughts that I wanted to truly be a woman/girl at that time because I more emphasized a romantic relationship with a guy and see no really all about sex! Yet, why did I do this because well I was too scared to admit these feelings to myself so I hid it away? Hell, I even wrote a personal letter to God, asking him to change my gender into a female.....It was a very sad time for me but in the delusional state of my mind, I thought God could grant me this wish.

Around this time, with no work experience under my belt and not actively seeking college life, my parents decided I should join the military! I honestly really didn't want to join the military, because I could never envision myself killing anyone and even when I truly think about it...I could never kill anyone it is just something I could never do in my entire life. Yet, I want to please my father specifically so I decided joining the Navy would be my ideal choice.
This was back in 2002 when I went back and forth between Lansing and Muskegon to get into the Navy, which it was fracking hilarious I go to the doctor for my psychical and he's like HM when feeling my nuts...I'm like to myself MMkay... Well he tells me, you're right testicle is larger than your left and this is not normal at all...after hearing that I was fracking scared...I didn't know what this meant.....could it be testicular cancer? etc? That's when my paranoia began to manifest to a degree, well ultimately I went to my family doctor and he told me we aren't sure what was wrong with me, which I went back to Lansing a few weeks later.....Now this second visit....weirdest yet....apparently my roommate decided to invite some of the other hopeful applicants into the room to snort Ritalin and drink alcohol....yea you can guess how that turned out.

Anyway, I was then told my head doctor at the Lansing recruiting office that I couldn't see my family doctor, I needed to see their own specialist...so after that... I go to their specialist and find out I had an inguinal hernia from birth....which I needed to have surgery just to get into to the Navy. I go back to my family doctor and have them find a specialist which I end up having surgery back in July of 2002 and let the recruiting office know of the situation and that I would need 3 months to recuperate.
Finally, back in October, I go back to Lansing and enlist and ask for a delayed enlistment because I wanted to spend at least Christmas with family, so I eventually get the enlisted date of 2/2/2003, which we know where this is going right? Yea I go to the Great Lakes Naval Base, just a few weeks prior of going back to Iraq...Timing is everything I guess.

Paranoia began to get worse and I won't say why I was ultimately given an E-4 discharge from the military, but it sucked majorly for me at that time, when it did happen. Why? Even if I didn't want to go into the military initially, I began to love every aspect of what I was doing then, hell prior to enlisted if you fill out the booklet for the navy you got an automatic promotion to E-2 and fuck my Senior Chief the head of our squad, promoted me during basic training! I would have been an E-3 after getting out of basic training, I was even going to be stationed in Sasebo, Japan on the Frigate the Essex. I probably would be a first class petty officer right now but atlas my mental issues began to manifest then. I started hearing voices, a clear as day telling me you don't belong here things like that.
Well after getting out of that situation, I am not sure how my parents put up with me for so many years, I became a big recluse and totally withdrew from the world from 2004 to 2012. Honestly, to this day I can't really say for sure what affected me to a point where I decided to give up on the world, but my life would entirely change during March of 2012 towards April of 2012.

Prior to what I would coin "going batshit" was during the mid-days of March of 2012, I began to have a series of dreams that these dreams were like no other dreams I have ever experienced before because even now I can clearly remember these dreams as if that happened today. These dreams were like I was watching a movie yet these dreams seemed to be viewed through glowing portals of gold light. In one dream, I was watching a news report of two elderly African American male and female killing mental health patients for their government assistance, another dream is a couple in a car pull up to me and in this car is a male driver, a female passenger and a baby in a car seat behind the female passenger, another dream is I am running down a road at night and two police officers pull me over handcuff and rape me, there were more dreams but this was the last dream I wish to truly tell, in the final dream, I'm in a work environment and all of my co-workers are trying to convince a "gay" co-worker to rape me. Of course, at the time I just passed these off as normal dreams but I really didn't put too much thought into it, but at the same time for some reason, these dreams stuck with me and I remembered them.

My parents left me alone as they traveled to Milwaukee to visit my brother and sister-in-law to celebrate my nieces birthday parties. Which I think was convenient for them, since my sis-in-law had my eldest and the twins near the same date. I awoke on over Saturday/Sunday night morning and this scared me to death. Why? because I couldn't breathe, my throat was entirely parched, and every time I drank water, within minutes my throat began to get extremely dry and parched. This went on for hours over the course of the night and early morning, to where I could only get a few hours of sleep. During this time, like most normal people we look to web MD and other various websites out there to diagnose our medical issues, and given that fact that I had no mobility at the time. There was no way I could visit an er at the time, so my only solace was WebMD.

Of course, with my condition and this was beginning to be the start of my downward spiral into insanity, I began paranoid and panic-stricken in thinking that I was dying. It seemed like with these conditions, I had every viable disease and death sentence...thoughts where whirling throughout my mind, was this the end? What substance and value and my life at this point in time, even accumulated to?

Eventually my parents returned and I tried to explain the situation to them and they take me to the er at night, apparently not appeased my the answer I was given of strep throat, I began to panic over the night and worry about death being a sentence ushered in but I remained calm and it wasn't until earlier in that week did I return to the er again after nothing seemed to help my issue.

It was then that I was basically kicked out of the er for basically by my father, you're wasting valuable resources that could go to help other patients. At that time I didn't care because I knew something more was going on, because it was like this. When I laid down on my neck on my right side, it felt like the blood circulation was being cut off, from my right carotid artery. Which now when I think about it, I was literally facing a life and death situation here. Because I would later find out what was my true medical issue, anyway. Even still thinking about it to this day, those golden glowing dream visions I had, is when I was sleeping on that right side of my neck, and I believe these were death visions. Like I was in a state of near death, and being shown things.

My parents were getting frustrated at this point, and it took its toll on Sunday after they returning from Milwaukee a week later. I was still searching WebMD, and now I officially admitted to myself that I was dying. Yet, some sort of clarifying at that time came over me, death. Was it really something to be afraid of? I had an epiphany at the time, and I began to see death in a different light, and I shared my views with my father and mother. I told them both that I loved them and appreciated everything that had done for me up to that point, but for me, I was ok with dying and if I did they shouldn't mourn my loss. This upset my father to a point, to a degree that I never have seen him upset like this, not upset in an angry sense but more upset as in emotionally hurt. Eventually, my parents would contact Hackley hospital to see that I would get a psych eval. Which my mother took me to Hackley and immediately upon getting there, I was given a strong dose of Ativan. Let me tell you...I've never been on Ativan before, but om the lights were glowing like a shine I have never seen and I was waving my hands and a trail of ethereal light followed with the movement of my hands......I was calm at that point and eventually, a mental health worker came from HealthWest nee Community Mental Health.

During this conversation she asked me various questions, one answer I'll keep to myself.....but while talking to her...I didn't want to say truly what I saw that day. I didn't dare look but out of the corner of my left eye, I could see a black shadow. Like you knew something was there but you dare not look, to look would confirm to you that something was there. I never did dare look and eventually, she left and recommended to the hospital that I will be admitted to Brinks Crisis Home, which was situated at the Health Department at the Kenneth Brinks building.

I went home and packed some items and headed out to Brinks, I said goodbye to my parents as I got there and began the entrance intake into Brinks. There I was asked one question in particular, if you had an emergency situation who would you want us to contact your mother or father. Now at the time instantly said my mother but it wasn't due to the fact that I didn't want my father contacted as well. It is just that for years, me and my father never really connected personally and I was really sure how to connect with my father. If you knew of grew up with my father, you could totally understand. Well anyway, the response I got was a sort of sarcastic, I thought you would say that when I mentioned my mother. It was truly weird but throughout the day, I would get questions like I'm faking and stuff like that, but I stuck to my guns and told them everything about the stuff of my dreams like that how I knew something was going on and one lady I can't remember her name to this day asked me a question what I did for money. At this time I was working for a CSR for an Online Pet Site, which yes deals with kids but the majority of the players were adults, and these adults could be downright rotten to the kids who played on the site. So much that the owner decided he needed to recruit active members to the site, to alleviate the issues with hostility.

When I mentioned I did this on a pet site, she was like inst that for kids? That is so sick, you should be ashamed of yourself. Well, I have been playing pet sites since 2000, since I was in freaking high school and to think someone like this can judge on my choices I was really upset so I really laid it into this woman. I said, you know there are many sites out there where kids play on these as well as adults, and there were issues where kids were get subjected to many things. My role became to monitor the site, chat boxes, and forums to ensure that the kids had a safe environment, and to ask her who the hell she was to judge someone solely on her beliefs.

Well that didn't really fly well with her and she began treating me like shit the rest of the night, but the head supervisor of the day shift had issues with me, he was the sole person who believed I was faking my issues. Anyway, he kept asking me if I wanted to go to the hospital and I told him, no eventually it was getting late and he informed me that if I needed to go, now was the chance. Which I didn't really understand why at that time but I again neglected to go to the hospital's ER.

After that, I went to the bathroom and after washing my hands, I heard it! As clear as day, a female's voice in the bathroom...saying "RUN!" It shocked me, to say the least in hearing that and I just passed it off. Yet something weirder even happened after that, upon exiting the bathroom. It felt like every pore on my body erupted and this hard yellow crust calculi came out of each pore. My entire body felt disgusting, and I ran my right hand over my left arm and I could literally feel this crust particulates. I was disgusted and immediately headed to the bathroom to take a shower.

Upon exiting the shower, I realized the day staff had left and the night staff took over for the night. The night staff consisted of only two individuals, and they were an elderly African American male and female. The same ones I had in my dreams weeks prior...

I'm not going to lie to you, this kind of freaked me out at that time but I am not sure how I remained so calm through that part but I'm not going to say I didn't eventually "freak out".

For, the most part of the night was pretty uneventful, but the shit didn't hit the fan until everyone had gone to bed for the night. It was around eleven in the evening when something really weird was happening with my body. I can't actually describe it personally, but I was getting very light headed and dizzy and I could sort of tell that my blood pressure was definitely rising to a degree because I had to eventually stop moving and rest a bit to calm my body down.

You can say I was nervous at this point and went to the area at Brinks' were the support staff would be situated, now in this area, there is a complete open wall window at the entrance, where you can interact with the staff. At the back of this office was a window facing outside, which you could see the parking light and a light in the back. Now why I mentioned the latter part will become apparent later on in the chapter.

I am discussing my problem with her and she tells me just calm down, you'll be alright, but I knew something weird was going on. I didn't mention this in the last chapter, but I was also having some hallucinations that I can't really recall very well at this time, but I do remember this quite clearly. For some reason, I was compelled to lift my upper eyelids, and quite clearly I could literally see a pool of blood in my eye, like if fully surrounded the upper part of my eye and then tapered off to the top part of my eye. Which I had also experienced this in the past as well, and I knew from researching this on the web what had happened to me. This is what I believe to had been a mini eye stroke, and what I experienced that night quite possibly had to have been a massive eye stroke. Which eye strokes are known to cause hallucination in people. To which even now I experience the floater effect quite often, what that is is essentially what you call seeing stars, those bright pinpoints of light. The aftermath of strands of proteins in your eye during pregnancy gestation.

I was seeing stars that night as well and I also explained this to the head supervisor who was the elderly African American female, but to be quite blunt she was very cold and apathetic to my situation. The time progressed and I went outside in the court-side area to cool off a bit because I was getting rather frustrated at that point, and sitting outside was a patient. I began talking to her and I looked towards the wall and I could see this glowing small spider just moving very erratically across the wall.
I knew it was a hallucination because I had seen this similar spider before previously in years and months prior to going to Brinks. I went back into the building and explained the situation to the supervisor. "Well, what do you want me to do about that?" I said nothing, I was just sharing the experience that I had, and she was like well what do you think caused that then? I said I honestly don't know but we truly don't understand the human mindfully. I then explained an episode of House how truly we don't fully know the human brain, the one with Dave Matthews guest appearance, which if you haven't seen this one I will not spoil it for you, go watch it is an amazing episode of House.

Her response was basically, really? Do you know the difference between reality and make-believe right? Are you insane? I then clearly said to her, yes I do know the variety? Do you know that shows have to at least do some medical research into creating stories like this? Like some of this is based on sound scientific principals. She just continued to berate me into thinking I was some crazed idiot lunatic.

I was getting fed up at that point, and I looked at the time which was around 11:20 at night so I thought I should at least get some sleep and my room was just situated to the right of the office. When I started moving towards my door, I clearly heard this low auditory music, like you hear a tune but you can't make it out. This was no ordinary tune I have ever heard before, it was sort of mystical and ethereal in a sense...sort of like the Arabic/Hindi vibe to the song. As I opened the door the tune got a bit louder and I decided at that point to find the source of the music. As I entered the darkroom, I moved closer to my bed and noticed that the sound was emanating from a painting on the wall. I moved towards the painting. I looked at the painting on the wall, and I saw a face morphing on the painting. I'm not sure why but I decided to trail my fingers across the surface of the painting. When I did this the face and the painting morphed with every touch of my fingers. I had to have been in that room for at least ten to fifteen minutes, so I then again went out and told the African American gentleman who was also working there at the time, what I experienced and I was not really frightened by this more intrigued than anything else. I told him I was going back to the painting and did this for another five to ten minutes.

I went out, and I headed again towards the office and looked towards the window and I saw something to this day that scared me to death. I had seen this before in a dream, it was a shadow silhouette of my body with two glowing white eyes. I must have had a shocked expression on my face, because the African American female supervisor, said "Don't like what you see?' What I saw again was the same black shadow silhouette with two white glowing eyes and I could possibly explain how that was there, it was completely dark outside and there was no way that my body was creating a shadow on the window and there were no external light sources that created these glowing eyes. Not sure you can say that a light source created this eyes, but being the clever and intelligent person I am I decided to see if these were, in fact, something else or an external light source. I decided to close my left eye and mysteriously the shadows left eye disappeared........I was kind of shocked the glowing left eye disappeared yet the right eye remained glowing...I couldn't reasonably explain how this was occurring...I opened my left eye and two glowing eyes appeared again. How? Of course, I closed my right eye and yes the same thing occurred to the right eye. I would like to mention, this wasn't a reflection of my body, since I couldn't make out any detail resembling myself or any human form.

This scared me to the core and I quickly left from the office, prior to seeing the shadow I had noticed that the time on the clock was around after midnight, and I didn't know what to do at that point but I knew I had to get out of there. That night when I felt  dizzy, light headed and high blood pressure. I did tell the staff at night I needed to go to the hospital. Which if you remembered, the day shift supervisor told me if you want to go back to the hospital now is the time. At that point, I passed it off as I previously stated, but I would learn that night why he had told me that.

You see when I had asked the head night supervisor I wanted to go to the hospital, she clearly told me that was not going to happen. Why? Well, there laws in effect, that due to the patient to staff level ratio, one staff member needed to be present at all times due to the ratio and a staff member needed to be present with a patient when going to the hospital for liability concerns. Well simply put with only two staff at night, it was impossible for anyone to go to the hospital. I am not sure if the same elsewhere in the country or the world but this is a glaring issue that needs to be rectified immediately and I am uncertain if this still occurs within Brinks to this day and age since I have never been back there since 2012.

I went back to the office and what I saw again truly freaked me to the core...the time...had changed drastically...it was now just sometime before midnight. When I saw this I freaked out, and I said you're trying to kill me! Now I cannot remember to this day what she said to me exactly, but it was enough to freak me out to my core, that I immediately ran out of the building and onto the streets of the area.

I do not know what I truly thought, but I thought I had died and gone to hell. The night sky was ominous and bleak, and I thought this was truly what hell would look like at night. For some reason, I was extremely parched and it was quite humid and hot out for being in April...Now rationally how would you go about getting water to parch your throat? Well what do you think I did, there was no way in hell I wanted to go back to that building...so I decided to run my hands through the night grass and lick the condensation from my hands from the grass that accumulated.

This seemed to quench my thirst to a degree but became parched again and I rinsed and repeated, I was trying to run for the hospital but at the same time, I was running home. I didn't know how to accurately get to the hospital in my state and mind and I decided to run home. Since I knew that was all the way down road near Wolf Lake at the time. Why was I running home? Because I needed to apologize to my parents for the years...I needed to make it up to them...I needed to amend my sins against everyone....because I was in hell and I need salvation from God!

I saw an African American adult male probably in his early 20's walking across the street and asked him if he had a phone so I could call my parents, but he shrugged and walked away from me. Probably because he saw a crazy person. I kept running down road towards my salvation. It is then I noticed a car coming down the street, I frantically waved the car down as it got closer, and it pulled over to the side of the road.

I began talking to these people in the car, asking them if they could either take me to Hackley Hospital since I still wanted to go to the hospital...I knew something was wrong. They began asking me questions as to why and I began to respond but that is when something dawned on me.

I looked towards the male driver, the female passenger and noticed the baby in the car seat, sitting behind the female passenger. The same car, the same people in my dream weeks prior. I exclaimed out loud, I remember this, the female passenger laughed out loud and the car speed off.

I was shocked, to say the least, and scared to know, that my dreams were coming true. Yet, something about this had me intrigued at a point. Which it would later dawn on me years later in 2013 and 2014 what the true significance of my dreams was turning into. I didn't want to face reality at that point in time, but with the ever-pressing changes in my life. My reality was changing every moment.

I still needed to run home, I was running for salvation. Running to find that one truth, which I still don't dare face in my life. Am I really evil? Am I the worst human on this planet? Are we all this way, or is there something more to this mortal coil?

I think after all these years of living and experiencing things, I have seen evil. We all have seen evil in our lives, whether it be something close being killed, tragic shooting at a school, or something like that. Yet, what provokes these individuals in doing such things?

We can say yes they are messed up in the head, their mental issues cause this in them but we don't really understand what causes mental disorder truly. Doctors and scientists don't even truly know the capabilities of the human brain, so to say a doctor truly knows what causes a mental disorder is impossible. Why? There are no tests that yes, why yes with at 99.99999% you are the fath....sorry the mental case...

Anyway off that tangent and back to the tale at hand. I continued to run for a bit more after the car speed away, but I would be stopped in my tracks with an immediate stop. Why? I didn't hear it stop behind me, but I could clearly see flashes of the red, white and blue cast on the area in front of me. I knew, there had to be two police officers in this car pulling up behind me, yet how did I know there were one or two cops. Because my dreams were coming true, and my impending predicament was going to happen I thought.

I heard the footsteps of those hard plastic sole dress shoes, tapping and scraping the asphalt, and I panicked and began to move away from the officers. That's when two voices said out loud, stop you need to come with us, I didn't see their faces at this point I didn't dare look. I stopped in my tracks again, and they approached me. I heard the cold metal clanking, and knew I was going to be handcuffed, I felt my hands being pulled behind my back, and all I could say to them was "please don't rape me." I was asked, why would we rape you?

I didn't want to say why that I was raped in a dream by two police officers in the dead of night, and I finally managed to look at their faces and see the same two police officers I had seen in my dreams. I again said please don't rape me, but they didn't and put me in the back seat and took me back to Brinks Crisis Home.

There the police escorted me to my bedroom, and the African American supervisor told me to stay in MY room and go to sleep. I didn't, and I went outside to the lounge area and laid down on the leather couch. I did eventually fall asleep but I was awoken by a voice, it was a deep resounding male voice. Like it was passing judgment against me, saying 60 years.

What? Judgment was this? I don't exactly understand the meaning of what was said, but I woke up to every patient being up at that point....because I set off the alarm and woke everyone one up at that point.

Most of my remaining time over the two weeks I was there was pretty uneventful, but I do remember something a bit hazy, I can't clearly remember it all too well because I think at some point I was facing extreme fatigue because my body was telling me not to go to bed, because it knew something about my physical state at that time.

This is why I mentioned this in part one, about me falling asleep on my right side and feeling like the blood pressure was getting cut off from my right carotid artery. Little did I know at the time but I had an abscess in my neck on the right side. When I slept on my right neck, the abscess was cutting off the blood flow to my carotid artery. I mentioned this to a different night staff member, she was young and she thought I couldn't hear here, but she began joking to another co-worker who came in to take over the day shift.

"Omg, he was freaking out, my pulse, my pulse." It was very weak, I felt like I couldn't feel the pressure in my right arm. Well again I slept on the right side of my neck on the hard leather sofa, and this one had those long square armrests, so of course, how I had situated myself on the sofa, it was putting pressure on my carotid artery and abscess. Now prior to going in I was prescribed antibiotics for my strep throat, but these were not doing anything for the infection in my neck. I explained the situation of how I was losing feeling in my arm and neck to the day shift supervisor. He said, wait for the day nurse and explain the situation to her, this was days later after coming to the brinks home. Eventually, the nurse arrived and immediately after telling her the situation, she requested I be sent to the hospital.

Now the lady, driving me up to the hospital told me this, do you really want to go? I mean its gonna be a big bill, do you really want to go? I'm like yes, I want to go because deep down I knew something was wrong. She was telling me, well you need to tell me what you were prescribed and I don't think you'll be prescribed anything.
After doing tests in the hospital, that's when I learned about the abscess in my neck and how it was cutting off the pressure to my carotid artery. She then gave me an oral steroid antibiotic. Which reduced the abscess dramatically. I eventually went back, and the person again was like I bet they didn't do anything right? That's when I told her everything that I was told and what I was prescribed.
I would make friends with some of the staff members, and I would have the same doctor in Brinks for the next 3 years from 2012 to 2015 but we'll get into that eventually. Over this course and time, I would get told I was being admitted to Brinks Crisis Home, as a client and I met one of the staff counselors and my first case manager. Michael the counselor, introduced me to Brandon. Whom when I met him, and over time I would learn was a really awesome guy. Brandon, seemed like an amazing case manager, had you could tell really cared about helping people, with mental health issues.

While in Brinks, I was still having some hallucinations while on my medication, which the only thing I saw was this I'm about to describe. Now you know those old fashioned, white ceiling tiles, the ones with the holes. When I looked at them, the holes in the ceiling would start to shift and move about, and I experienced something similar in the past. My ceiling at my parents, the house had popcorn ceilings. When I would lay in my bed I would see the popcorn move about the ceiling in various shapes.

Well, also on the ceilings at Brinks, I would also see black shapes moving across the ceiling, these black shapes looked like faces moving across the ceiling like they were opening their mouth moaning out in agony. I explained this to one of the staff there, and they told me they would tell this to my doctor.

Eventually, my time at Brinks ended two weeks later and I was sent home. I honestly didn't know what to do at this point, I honestly thought getting a job was a long shot really, but it was sort of strange. I never really wanted to get back into the world years prior, but a sudden change took over me and it was light a switch flipped in my brain.

I wanted to actively get out into the world again, find work, start a new life. I was going to Community Mental Health in Muskegon at this time, and that's when Brandom told me about Supported employment through CMH.

I decided to attend a meeting and spoke with a few individuals at the meeting. I learned that they would help me find employment, and I did a few interviews with them but in the meantime, I began applying to various companies. I'm not sure what compelled me to do so, but I applied to Sherman Wal-Mart and interviewed there. I never got the job there, and it kind of defeated me at that point. I thought to myself, maybe I need to try for SSDI and just give up thinking about a normal life at that point.

Eventually, during one point during this time period, I ended up back at the Crisis Home because I felt suicidal at one point and was getting extremely unhappy. Over this course, in time I even learned how the staff here, for the most part, were concerned for the well being of patients but some of the staff members you could tell they really didn't give one ounce of compassion. Which I feel like if you're truly just using this career path as a means to just simply getting a better paycheck, then these individuals really need to get their priorities checked. Simply put I would never ever in my entire life ever want to go back to Brinks in any shape any form, and these individuals would be the sole reason why I make this blanket statement.

End of Chapter 4

Chapter5

It deeply pained me to watch these experiences in the home, not simply for the fact that a person with a disorder was being mistreated as less than human but simply even knowing his level of military service it seemed like that some even overlooked this in their psychological attacks against this poor man, Which in retrospect, I hope this man has fully recovered and lived out the remaining course of his life peacefully. Now back to the topic at hand.

I can't remember the exact date of when I was called in but it was definitely during the afternoon when I went into my first interview. I can't really remember the dudes' name, but I told him upfront that this would really have reasonably been my first job ever, and I would try my best to help him get a better understanding of my qualifications.

I am not sure how I answered his questions, but I am guessing it was enough to garner a second interview. I got a call that night, from who was our direct manager over that time. She, asked if I could come in the following day and interview again for the position. I was really ecstatic, to be honest, I thought I had totally blown the first interview so I just had to take her up on that offer. Immediately, told her yes! I would be glad to come in for a second interview.

Being the an  extremely nervous wreck, to say the least. I felt like my life was finally getting on track and I really did not want to blow this opportunity for myself. I made my way again to the back room and the interview began. There were the simple formalities of introducing ourselves, getting to know one another but she knew I didn't have any work experience so I would again try my best to answer her questions.

One question I remembered how I answered, which was name a time in your life when you faced a difficult problem and how you solved that problem. It is like the answer was clear as day to me, I began explaining which, I neglected to inform you guys about. Prior to even interviewing at Wal-Mart, I began the process, of looking for community colleges in the area because I wanted to become a doctor.

You're probably thinking, you wanted to become a doctor? Truly yes, and not just any plain old ordinary doctor, I wanted to get into the field of psychiatry. I would have talks with a few of the aides who worked under my original case manager's team and this guy would transport me back and forth from the clinic to home.

Along with the ways, he talked about something within his life, like how his father was a part of the founding of a Christian based recording company, which was based within my city and then he would ask me what I wanted to do with my life. I told him, I thought long and hard about it and at first, I wanted to get into psychiatric nursing, because I always had a sense of wanting to help others, and I felt I could help those facing similar problems as myself.

He explained to me, had I ever thought about becoming a psychiatrist? The thought really never crossed my mind, to say the least, I hadn't really had a great high school experience so I thought it would be near impossible to get into medical school but he told me I should at least try something like that because there was such a shortage of doctor in the field and eventually within years, would dwindle even more. Hell, my first psychiatrist, she's in her early sixties, so I guess he may have been onto something here. Which if I think more about the psychiatrists, I've had over these past six years, all of them have been rather old and I haven't really encountered any young psychiatrists.

Well anyway, that when I began on getting information on the colleges in my area and I ultimately decided on one, and enrolled for the winter semester. Which now we'll get to the question at hand.

I answered the manager, summarized version of this and also explained how I would solve the problem. I knew it wouldn't be easy to even remotely possible in getting into medical school and how would I even go into funding something like this? I researched various scholarships and that is when I discovered the Doctor's Corp. Basically, a government organization that either provides scholarships or loan payoffs for serving the community in a low-income area of the nation. I personally thought that would be a great solution for me because I was one of those individuals and to be able to help would be awesome for myself.

That is when she asked her final question, When faced with a difficult situation at work, how did you solve the problem? To be honest I had to think a little bit about this but I eventually found my answer. You see prior to going into the Navy, I was mostly spending my time in internet chat rooms, which was mostly Yahoo Chat through the Cheeta Chat Application. Although it probably had more grandiose intentions for its application, user were mostly people from the Japanese Anime channel of Yahoo Chat. Which during this time in my life, I had met so many great people. They were truly amazing and upon reflecting on this probably the people I have ever hurt the most in my life.

I mentioned this in the first main chapter where I pretended to be a woman/girl in chats while talking to people. Deep down at the time, I was doing this as more as if I could get away with something like this but more so that I was ashamed of myself. Ashamed that I liked men more than I had liked women. Which yes, I do like women but I preferred men more in my life.

It started innocently over time, making friendships on a daily basis but my first true friendship wouldn't start until New Year's Eve of 2000. I was just traveling throughout the channels of the various Japanese Anime Chatrooms, and that is when I met my friend mate, a friendship who know who resonates within your soul for life. Kiersten Woods....truly an amazing person. She was a remarkable person, the chat that night started out great and eventually we would talk over time. I will admit this, I started to fall in love with Kiersten but sadly that would mean I would have to admit to her that I had lied all of this time and one of her long-distance relationships, realized I was falling in love with her and began to distance himself from talking to me and I believe began to sour.

I'm gonna stop for a moment, I wasn't going to greatly go into details about this but I think I should, as a means as amending to those great people I wronged in my life. Maybe if you readers can connect me with these people, to wrong this part in my life? 

Like I set I met many great people under these false pretenses, but I will go into great details about these truly remarkable people I've met. First will go into Kiersten, It is hard for me to talk about Kiersten because I know I believe I really hurt her most of all. When you know you met a special person in your life, it's truly hard to describe what that person means to you! She was smart, and the original Sia Hipster! Oh yes, this girl got me into Sia back in 2001 and I have been hooked to Sia ever since...so maybe I'm the Sia Hipster at heart? Which to be honest, I was happy to see that the Series Finale of Six Feet Under used breathe me, such an epic episode and song used. You knew she was awesome the moment you met her, the one girl you could bring home to mom or dad and have them instantly fall in love with her but I can't say from personal experience but the one girl would have been a monster in the sheets.

Henry, Kiersten's first really long distance relationship that formed during my friend courtship. He was a pretty awesome guy from Hawaii. I am not too sure exactly what happened to him during this time the kind of fell out a relationship with him during those times but I always tried to connect him with after the break up but he was notorious for falling asleep during still being in the chat room......which I was known for that as well....XD >.> But no I wasn't Henry, in case you're wondering. Just Jessica.

Sarah, one of Kiersten's friend would also become one of my great friends which to this day I remember the exact city she was from, Middletown, Ohio but we won't get into why I knew of that city previously.

Lola, oh Lola from California...not much I can say about Lola other than the fact that....com one LOLA! I know, you don't know but truly if you had ever met Lola online, you would understand where I'm coming from.

Of course other people I would like to mention, I didn't exactly learn their names just nicknames we had for each other back then, Albert (Alby), Gury, John, and so many more. However, there is the one I like to talk about in a little more detail.

Su Jung, (Crystal) I would learn she hated the Americanization of her name but to me, both were equally beautiful because I am sure Su Jung was as beautiful as a crystal. I'm not sure what initially attracted me to Su Jung, but she like Kiersten had a je ne sais quoi about her self. It initially started out just a simple friendship but over time I grew to like her more and more but again my fucking stupidity and other circumstances would have ruined any chances I had with these people.

Especially the one I probably ended up hurting the most because it was probably the first male I had truly first fallen in love with. His name was Robert but

he went by his middle name Leo(Leonardo). I really don't want to go into great detail about that, but I know I had to have hurt him a lot and I can never really truly be forgiven for any pain I caused him or the others. During this time, however, especially during my relationship with Leo, I would start developing my delusional state of mind. Which I would please with god to make me a woman/girl, I would write him letters on a daily basis. Going how, I would change my actions in life., how if I were a woman how my life would be so much better and greater as a whole. It wouldn't be until years later when someone would ask me “Aaron, don't you wish you were mistakenly born as a guy?” I had an answer for him then, but that will come in parts to come.

During these chats, my parents were getting tired of me not working because I was getting addicted to the internet and I personally thought I needed more structure in my life. Especially since during September 11th, 2001 one of my chat friends actually lived in New York City during that time period. His name was Percy, and I was truly scared for him since he hadn't been on for hours during the day. I didn't know what happened to him. My Dad who was in the USAF, wanted me to join the military.

So as a good son, I decided that yes this is something I would do for my father, and also for my country. The one branch that stuck out to me, was the USN...Honor, Courage and Commitment baby! It was a long fucking process just for myself to eventually even be allowed to enter the Navy. For one simple reason, it was discovered that I had an inguinal hernia from birth and needed surgery to repair the hernia, to even be allowed in. Of course, I went through the surgery and had to wait 3 months to for my body to fully heal. It's funny, my dad was pissed one day at me.....I took it upon my self to walk to a question 25 minutes away with my freaking pain pump still in me, I didn't care...I wasn't in pain xD Maybe it was the drugs talking but to be doing something like this was healing my body and soul in another way.

After finally waiting those three months, I went back to the recruiting center in Lansing and did a deferred enlistment, which my actual enlistment date was 2/5/2003. Which was a long wait but something that would eventually come to pass.

Excited and nervous, to say the least, and let me tell you my first day/night there was an absolute nightmare. Not in the mental sense that it would drive me crazy but more of a psychological change in my self, that eventually I would love but the mental issues would begin to take its toll on me.

Like okay, you're getting all of you standard uniform and you're putting in the duffle bag ready to meet some of your instructors and stuff, I honestly don't know what compelled me to do this but I took off my dog tags that night while packing the duffle bag. Yes with my fucking luck, my dog tags feel in the bag and of course, I was frantically searching for them afterward. I never did get to recover them that night and would be the great caused of enlisted petty officers, getting in my face all night.

I was beginning to be the butt of their jokes, like how “Hey, this recruit lost his dog tags, what are we going to do about this” Shit like that, I was scared shitless but reflecting back on it, I think it was probably for the best I lost them that night.

Like I'm standing in line and were told we need to keep a pen, with its point out at all the time while in the line and your thumb must be on the trigger of the pen. Deep down you know you'll get shit for clicking the pen but also something is telling you to click that pen. Which, that is what I did and when I did it was like a pin dropped on the floor. Every petty officer turned and looked at me, quickly got in my face. “RECRUIT!” WHY DID YOU CLICK THAT PEN!” Honestly, I couldn't think of anything reasonable so I simply stated, my finger must have slipped. Of course, that didn't buy that answer for the simple fact, as this was a psychological test, to see if you were capable of following orders.

I finished my paperwork, and the petty officers had me wait outside the holding room area where my other division recruits were in waiting. Apparently for me, and what would happen next would be the reason why I and they were waiting. My lead instructor wanted a word with me, Senior Chief Mclendon...I believe that is what is the last name was of Division 131 at the Great Lakes Naval Base.

Well this man, got in my face and looked me square dead in the eyes. Recruit, are you a fuck up? I said no sir I am not. Well, that is good then, because you're going to be my special project, I am going to make a sailor out of you by the time you leave here. Which was definitely the case during the basic training and time within the Navy. Because he was always on my ass for anything I did wrong and eventually he would do something for me that will always be with me and ended up being the answer to the final question.

There is a part in time during basic training, where either recruit are left to go help out in the mess hall or either clean up duty in the barracks. Since I had a pink eye at the time I couldn't go to the mess hall so that automatically put me in clean-up duty in the barracks. Were just waxing away at the floor one day, and it is getting close end of the night. Well, laundry drops off hundreds of sock that needed to be folded. I and some of the guys get assigned the task. Were folding the socks away, and the other two who were helping me left me for my own and there were still hundreds of socks left to fold for my fellow division sailors.

People were starting to come back from their mess hall duties, and well everyone was just walking by me and not bothering to help out in one bit. Mclendon was In the office the entire time watching me and I looked to him and shook my head, he knew what I was saying. Why are they just walking by, don't they realize that even simply folding socks in a team effort and while there is an I in the military there is no I in teamwork? Eventually, Mclendon would say something and others began to help out, and afterward. With everyone gathered, Mclendon promoted me to E2 that night. Someone interjected, saying how they helped out at one point after I had already folded the majority of the socks...Okay

That last part was my answer to her question, but over time the paranoia and delusional side of myself would get the better part of me and I would be released from the Navy with an E4 discharge. Which I posted this story on my personal FB page and I didn't go into great detail about the state of my paranoia and delusional side of my self during this point, but around this point is when voices started to manifest and more heightened delusions. One which I clearly remember, is I guess I don't know why but I felt like the government was going to employ me at this time in some secret government project that would give me incredible superhuman powers, to combat the evils of the world. I remember marching at points and various delusional scenarios would pop up in my mind, which began to stem after Mid to late March, which If I'm not mistaken was around the time the second Iraq invasion occurred. There were other things that occurred during the time like phobias etc, but I never truly admitted to my chaplain and counselor they requested I talk to about the full extent of what was going on with me at the time. I knew something was changing within myself and If I admitted that then would that have made me crazy? A friend told me one day, a truly crazy person, always states that they are not crazy even though they are, so possibly to an extent I know the truth deep down.

I would be told by the manager that day I got the job, and weeks later get called by HR to schedule my orientation.

Anywho, something I would like to personally request to you readers of these parts in my life, if you know anyone who knew “Jessica Marie Stickney” From CheetahChat or you knew someone personally who went to Great Lakes Naval Training during Feb to April of 2003, who were Division 131 sponsored by the Submarine Force. Please help in any way you can, I would love to connect with these people in my life to make amends and try to form interpersonal relationships with again.

End of Chapter 5