The story:
SPOILER (click to toggle)
In a vast forest, somewhere in an unnamed region, there is an ancient tree that moves... No, slithers.
There is a botanical beast that resembles a large conifer tree as well as a snake, but with wings that seem like branches. The typical avian equivalent of its arboreal wings has feathers normally structured as having quills and barbs, but it has been replaced by twigs and pine needles. Its body, instead of having normal snake scales, has bark.
This "it" is a he, and he acts as guardian to the forest he inhabits, protecting it with varied and mysterious powers. He has the ability to control the plants that surround him, as well as any man-made objects made from plant material. You might as well say he has control over the animals, too, for he is well over 100 feet tall with a body/trunk that is over 4 feet in diameter, and anything that gets in his way will surely move, with the exception of the animals that live on him, like squirrels and birds.
The forest for most of history lied well beyond civilization. Only recently have people begun to build towns nearby. Very few humans have stepped foot in the area, and the guardian is wary of humans for the damage they can cause, but he is a merciful creature. He is perfectly capable of destroying their towns and killing all the humans within them, but he hasn't. He understands that humans are simply part of nature, however...he does consider it different when animals kill each other, or for them to die of disease and starvation, for nature itself is horrendously cruel, but it is also blind. Man's cruelty is different, because man is aware of his crimes, man is capable of reason, of compassion and guilt, but commits atrocities anyway.
It didn't take very long for them to commit such atrocities.
A teenage girl's body got a shallow burial in the forest soil by two young men. The girl was naked, and her throat had been slit. It was obvious she had been bound and gagged by marks on her wrists, ankles and mouth.
He watched silently as they buried her, with calm, yet condemning eyes that did not widen at the sight of the act, as he was not surprised. His gaze over them gave an ominous aura, a foreboding that seemed to cloak over the two men that caused a profound, utter fear in their hearts -- it was like the fear of god had struck their cores. The feeling grew worse as they stayed in his presence. Quickly, they fled the forest, with the only thing chasing them being the eye of the guardian's mind, which followed them home.
When darkness covered the region, the guardian focused his power in a nearby tree, which then shook thunderously, lifting its big heavy roots out of the ground. The tree, using its roots as legs, walked toward the dead girl's body. Using its branches, it picked the girl up and had her draped over branch-arms. The guardian then used his powers on other trees, and they too, arose from the soil. A small army of trees began to march to the town where the two men fled.
The men resided on the outskirts of town, their home overlooked part of the forest border. One of them was sitting, casually smoking outside his home, with patio furniture covered with beer bottles. His fellow assailant was sitting on a chair with him, about to pass out from drinking too much. In the distance, they could see the woods just in front of them start to quiver. Then, they could hear the loud rustling of leaves and cracking of sticks. Suddenly birds flew out of the trees and seem to dissipate into the night sky. Startled, they jumped from their chairs, and the band of trees grew nearer, becoming bigger. The trees were towering giants, yet their roots seemed to move like an insect's legs: they creepily and quickly moved in, the leader nestling the victim in its branches.
As the forest closed in, the men tried to run inside the home, and from the army, one of the trees stretched out its roots. Its roots grew hundreds of feet in an instant, and blocked the door, then like a creeping fig, its roots crept over the entire building, so that they couldn't enter. Then, another tree did the same, stretching out its roots an incredible distance and wrapped around the two men, constricting the both of them together, lifting them up high. The two men got a full view of the woodland army in front of them, along with the girl that they murdered -- they knew they were being punished.
The men pleaded, begging mercy for their sins. Amidst the trees the Guardian stood, and hearing their cries he spread his wings, and towered over them. Using his powers, trees began to grow around the men, breaking through the pavement, and from inside their home and breaking through their roof. The Guardian reclaimed their piece of land, and only theirs. At the top of the tallest tree that was planted in the very middle of their house, shooting out from their rooftop, the girl's body hanged in plain sight for all to see.
The two men were then dragged into the forest to wander, lost, for a thousand years.
Sooo I'm looking for corrections on my grammar, as well as another person's thoughts on how well I've been describing the scene (how easy is it to "get" or understand). It's pretty normal for me to get my tenses mixed up as well, so if someone could provide corrections there, that would be helpful. Also, opinions on the overall likability of the story/plot.
I wrote this for my pet Forested, I made the plot to fit the name, obviously. Like, bam, you got forested. :P But seriously I take forever to write these things and I'm well aware I'm not the best, I wrote this a while ago and I'm okay with most of it, but I've never showed anybody else, so. Critique me.
i like it a lot! i think you've got an interesting and imaginitive story here. i would suggest some slight tweaks to make the language more evocative and expressive. i hope you don't mind but i've copy-pasted the first few paragraphs with some suggested edits, just to really push the imagery; obviously you don't have to use them but you're welcome to if you'd like.
SPOILER (click to toggle)
Deep in a forest, vast and in some unnamed region, resides an ancient tree that moves - no. Slithers.
It is a botanical beast with a visage somewhere between a snake and a massive coniferous tree, covered in bark instead of scales. The creature boasts a pair of arboreal wings with feathers of twigs and pine needles in the place of quills and barbs.
It - he - stands sentinel as guardian of the forest he inhabits, protecting it with powers varied and mysterious as the wildlife therein. Blessed with control over the plants around him, and even man-made objects constructed from plant material, he may well be said to control the animals as well. For, standing over a dozen stories tall with a trunk several meters in diameter, none dare get in his way - except, perhaps, the birds and squirrels that call him their home.
For most of history, the forest lay well beyong civilization. Only recently have people begun to settle nearby. Very few humans have set foot in the area, and though the guardian is wary of the damage they can cause, he is a merciful creature. Though perfectly capable of destroying the humans and their towns, he understands they are simply another part of nature. However... it different when animals kill each other, or die of disease and starvation; for nature itself is horrendously cruel, but it is also blind. Man's cruelty is different, because man is aware of his crimes - capable of reason, compassion, guilt - but commits atrocities anyway.
It didn't take long for them to do so.
A teenage girl's body received a shallow burial in the forest soil at the hands of two young men. The girl was naked, her throat slit. It was obvious she had been bound and gagged by marks on her wrists, ankles, and mouth.
He watched silently as they buried her, with calm yet condemning eyes that did not widen at the sight of the act; he was not surprised. His gaze over them gave an ominous aura, a foreboding that seemed to cloak over the two men and instill in their hearts a profound, utter fear - it was as if the fear of God had struck their cores. The feeling grew worse as they stayed in his presence. Quickly, they fled the forest, the only thing chasing them being the eye of the guardian's mind, which followed them home.