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Aug 22, 2018 7 years ago
Bass
is cooler than cool
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Centropolis

Hey guys! I decided to try my hand at writing a story for my pet. I'm no writer to say the least, so I want your opinions and critique.

Please, do not be nice. I want criticism so I can make my stuff better.

The pet is

Slowly for reference.

Here's the story! The pounding of hooves echoed throughout the valley between the frozen peaks of the arctic. It would only become more frigid by the day, and the only way to escape the dropping temperatures was an escape to the grasslands of the southwestern most regions of the world.

Amongst the frantic beasts was a large horse, painted in a snowy white and tiffany blue, with a blue-gray mane. Its legs were bewilderingly strong, allowing it to sprint past most of the fleeing animals with ease. Passing the rampaging arctic creatures, the horse seemed as if no effort was being put into his stride. Every so often it would let out a sigh, revealing a foggy exhalation into the winter sky.

The incredibly muscular animal was already showing signs of wear from malnourishment, and it had merely been a few days since the rapid development of bitter cold. Maybe he would stumble upon a bush of frost berries, or perhaps a patch of ice-ridden grass. Thirst was less of an issue, if an issue at all. A simple dose of snow from the ground would leave the horse well off for at least a little while.

As the days went by, the steed thought less of hunger and more of physical exhaustion and the bitter wind of the gelid land. Before long, it would be too tired to continue the hasty pace it held for such a prolonged time. The condensed sweat on its snout began to freeze. Slowly but surely, the horse would freeze.

Slowly but surely.

Minutes felt like days, and days felt like months. Small Snowshoes passed the horse in what seemed to them to be a race to the finish. Starvation and fatigue began to become more noticeable to the horse than the glacial climate. Snow which was stuck on the bottom of its hooves began to solidify into ice, along with areas behind its ears and on its neck. Drained of energy, the horse fell asleep, covering itself in an imaginary blanket of nothingness; envisaging a sheet of warm over its stiff body.


Trudging along, the horse’s heavy steps began to lighten. Things seemed to clear up, there seemed to be hope. A green clearing up ahead proved that the stallion’s effort would not go without reward. Suddenly, a rush of excitement, hope and energy flooded its mind. Sprinting ahead, undernourishment and weariness became lodged in the very back of its mind. There were no other animals here, near this place of serenity and sanctuary.

The skyline began to get greener and greener, yet the arctic oasis seemed to get tinier as the horse got closer. A horde of animals suddenly appeared, seemingly out of thin air, gulping at the decreasingly voluminous body of water in the center of the haven. Larger creatures trampled the smaller ones in an attempt to get more liquid into their systems. The horse paused and watched from a distance.

Its peripheral vision began to narrow, and the horse finally noticed a clearing in the sanctum. Sudden vigor ran through its blood, and it ran hastily towards the water. It wasn’t thirsty, but the flora nearby was more than enough to satisfy its dying hunger. The horse opened its mouth and…

...opened its eyes. Looking around, it realized it was exactly where it had fallen asleep. No tundra-like greenland. No water. No animals. No hope.

Struggling to even unfold its numb legs from the sleeping position, the stallion stood up, shivering and chattering its teeth. From the night’s rest came a miniscule amount of liveliness, and along with it another batch of frozen condensation on its lower back.


Dragging itself along the frozen tundra for what seemed like years, the air seemed to become crisper, the wind a little less frigid; yet the ground seemed colder than it ever was. Other animals were nonexistent, and the ones that made it past the stallion previously were passed, frozen, miles behind.

As time went by, the steed’s front legs began to do all the work. Rather than picking up its hind legs, they were pulled along, making a linear path through the wintery ground.

After aimlessly plodding around in the snow for an eternity, the horse picked up its rear legs. And stood there. Ice began forming around its legs. Slowly but surely, the steed would be done with its journey.

Slowly, but surely.

I'm not too sure about the end of the story, I got distracted by a few things. So this is a rough draft. If there are any parts which could be added/changed, please let me know!

Thanks guys.

[Edit] In the first paragraph, the second "escape" will be changed to "journey".

[img align=center]http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/adventuretimewithfinnandjake/images/8/86/S4_e25_Ice_King_playing_drums.png/revision/latest?cb=20130913175838[/img] <--- Me.

Aug 22, 2018 7 years ago
RedRaven
gets around
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First paragraph : too many escapes try another word 2nd: still repetitive. sounds boring try to express by showing not telling. 3rd: SHOW more. Give imagery. Rest: Good story. Misuse of the semi-colon. Instead of telling the readers its a horse SHOW them. Give them a picture drawn in words. Same for most everything else. I love the plot tho : )

Oh hi! Didn't see you there. [img align=center]https://data.whicdn.com/images/267538090/original.gif[/img]

Aug 22, 2018 7 years ago
Bass
is cooler than cool
User Avatar
Centropolis

I edited the story, mainly the first few paragraphs and a couple small tweaks here and there.

Here it is! The pounding of hooves echoed throughout the valley between the frozen peaks of the arctic. It would only become more frigid by the day, and the only way to escape the dropping temperatures was a journey to the grasslands of the southwestern most regions of the continent.

Amongst the frantic beasts was a large horse, painted in beautiful colors. The majority of its body was the color of the snow around its habitat, almost causing it to be blended into the nature around it. Around its nose, behind its ears, and on the base of its back was a touch of a distant iceberg, an almost teal hue. Its great mane was of matted fur, the shade of an old Russian Blue. Its body was made up of large, rounded hills of muscle, and yet its silhouette was of a pony-esque slimness.

The fauna in the environment were of similar status, that of slender athleticism. They too blended in with their environment, with everything being blanketed in white. Fur blended with snow, and the creatures would only be more indistinguishable when snowfall came. The seemingly daily blizzards faded the profiles of each and every creature in the arctic. With more frequent snowstorms came colder temperatures, and with colder temperatures came more distraught animals. With time they would die off, and leave the tundra a lifeless wasteland.


Stomach growls gave a hint of the horse’s nourishment, or lack thereof. Maybe it would stumble upon a bush of frost berries, or perhaps a patch of ice-ridden grass. Thirst was less of an issue, if an issue at all. A simple lick of snow from the ground would leave the horse well off for at least a little while.

Yet, as the days went by, the steed thought less of hunger and more of physical exhaustion and the bitter wind of the gelid land. Before long, it would be too tired to continue the hasty pace it held for such a prolonged time. The condensed sweat on its snout began to freeze. If food was no issue, it would freeze in time.

Slowly, but surely.

Minutes felt like days, and days felt like months. Small Snowshoes passed the horse in what seemed to them to be a race to the finish. Starvation and fatigue began to become more noticeable to the horse than the glacial climate. Snow which was stuck on the bottom of its hooves began to solidify into ice, along with areas behind its ears and on its neck. Drained of energy, the horse fell asleep, covering itself in an imaginary blanket of nothingness; envisioning a sheet of warmth over its stiff body.


Trudging along, the horse’s heavy steps began to lighten. Things seemed to clear up, there seemed to be hope. A green clearing up ahead proved that the stallion’s effort would not go without reward. Suddenly, a rush of excitement, hope and energy flooded its body. Sprinting ahead, undernourishment and weariness became lodged in the very back of its mind. There were no other animals here, near this place of serenity and sanctuary.

The skyline began to get greener and greener, yet the arctic oasis seemed to get tinier as the horse got closer. A horde of animals suddenly appeared, seemingly out of thin air, gulping at the decreasingly full body of water in the center of the haven. Larger creatures trampled the smaller ones in an attempt to get more liquid into their systems. The horse paused and watched from a distance.

Its peripheral vision began to narrow, and the horse finally noticed a clearing in the sanctum. Sudden vigor ran through its blood, and it ran hastily towards the water. It wasn’t thirsty, but the flora nearby was more than enough to satisfy its dying hunger. The horse opened its mouth and…

...opened its eyes. Looking around, it realized it was exactly where it had fallen asleep. No tundra-like greenland. No water. No animals. No hope.

Struggling to even unfold its numb legs from the sleeping position, the stallion stood up, shivering and chattering its teeth. From the night’s rest came a small amount of liveliness, and along with it another batch of frozen condensation on its lower back.


Dragging itself along the frozen tundra for what seemed like years, the air seemed to become crisper, the wind a little less frigid; yet the ground seemed colder than it ever was. Other animals were nonexistent, and the ones that made it past the stallion previously were frozen, miles behind.

As time went by, the steed’s front legs began to do all the work. Rather than picking up its hind legs, they were pulled along, making a linear path through the wintery ground.

After aimlessly plodding around in the snow for an eternity, the horse picked up its rear legs, and stood there. Ice began forming around its hooves. In time, the steed would freeze.

Slowly, but surely.

[img align=center]http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/adventuretimewithfinnandjake/images/8/86/S4_e25_Ice_King_playing_drums.png/revision/latest?cb=20130913175838[/img] <--- Me.

Aug 26, 2018 7 years ago
Truffula
is quali-tree company
User Avatar
Daryonka

Some questions before I can really critique this... but there's some critique buried in the questions too...

Who is your narrator? not a name, but a personality, a viewpoint : is it God? Is it a historian? Is it a person with clairvoyance who just had a vision about this? Even in an omniscient-viewpoint story like this, you need to have a sense of the persona you're narrating with. How do they feel about the horse's attempt to flee frozen doom? Do they view it with compassion, with indifference, with schadenfreude, what?

Or did you mean to tell the story more from the horse's viewpoint? In some places, it seems that way. That's a more popular choice for stories like this, and it can really strengthen the energy of the story, but you need to commit to it, and leave out things that the horse wouldn't notice or care about, talk more about the things it does notice and that mean more to it. If you go with this (3rd person limited) viewpoint instead, think more about what your horse cares about and whether that's different from its previous life. Has it ever been warm/well fed? Did it ever try to mate? Does it remember its mother? I know those don't matter in this particular story, but they give you a point of comparison, a way that the horse's viewpoint can contain larger parts of the picture without losing the center.

At the end, you call your horse a 'stallion' -- intact male horse -- and a 'steed' -- this word is usually used only for animals that carry riders. Did this horse used to have a rider? Would it think

If the horse is a stallion, would it work better to use the pronoun 'he' rather than 'it' ?


One language use critique: you use passive in several places where it doesn't make sense to do so.

Examples: "almost causing it to be blended into the nature around it" should probably change to active: "almost causing it to blend into the nature around it"

"rather than picking up its hind legs, they were pulled along" -> "rather than picking up its hind legs, it pulled them along" (I'd actually recommend you use 'drag' rather than 'pull' here).

Aug 26, 2018 7 years ago
Bass
is cooler than cool
User Avatar
Centropolis

Thank you!

[img align=center]http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/adventuretimewithfinnandjake/images/8/86/S4_e25_Ice_King_playing_drums.png/revision/latest?cb=20130913175838[/img] <--- Me.

Aug 26, 2018 7 years ago
Truffula
is quali-tree company
User Avatar
Daryonka

happy to help!

I haven't written any stories for my pets yet. I am trying... but I'm so picky ;)

So I think you did very well to write a story for your pet! I hope my questions help clarify your ideas and help you improve it. Good luck!!

Nov 15, 2020 5 years ago
Ada199
User Avatar
Jacoby

I can't think of a ending for my Keeto's story so here it is so far.

Name:Jacoby


Age:30

Gender:Male

Birthdate:August 16, 2020

Owner:Ada199

Species:Keeto

Color:Nostalgic

Personality:Kind, flirtatious and selfless

Likes:Battling, singing and helping others

Dislikes:Bullies, nightmares and scorpions

Quote:And our scars remind us that the past is real.

Friends:Chester, Ben and Carvester.

Bio:Some pets are innocent, others are mean, but a young Keeto like Jacoby is none of those things. He's hardheaded,always getting into trouble around Shadowglen Graveyard till one day he stumbled across The Crypt. He heard that there was treasure in it so he went in it,he searched high and low until he came to a final room. He examined the room before taking the treasure. He narrowly escaped only to be caught by a Magnus with moss on it's scales and scars on it's back. Jacoby asked the big Magnus "What do you want from me?". The Magnus replied "Either you give me back the treasure or I'll take your life.", Staring at the treasure and back at the Magnus,the young Keeto gave the treasure back leaving The Crypt with a gloomy expression on his face,but that didn't stop Jacoby because he wanted to take the treasure back despite the risk. A few days passed and he went back into the final room and took the treasure,but the Magnus was waiting for him,it stepped out of the shadows,smiling evily at the Keeto,then it said "Foolish child,you didn't hear my warning,now you shall pay with your life",the Magnus charges at Jacoby with it's claws drawn out but Jacoby dodged the attack and he scratched the Magnus on his face,scarring it's left eye.Then the Keeto tackled the Magnus into a wall,but not before it scratched Jacoby on the face,leaving a scar on his left cheek and the Magnus roared "Next time,it won't be easy for you,child." So with that warning Jacoby took the treasure and escaped The Crypt,he ran through the forest but tripped on a rock,leaving him with a bruised left leg.He limped into Shadowglen looking for help,he went to Sacred Lands and gone to the Healer,Selina.He was healed of his injury on his left leg and he went to The Crypt with a stoic look on his face. He ran to final room and came upon the treasure,he scanned the room,hoping that the Magnus didn't see him then he took the treasure and ran away from the room,but not before the Magnus appeared and grabbed him by the neck, the Magnus said to the Keeto "You didn't heed my warning,did you?" and threw him against a wall,almost snapping Jacoby's spine but he got up and charged at the Magnus. It scratched across the Keeto's chest,leaving a massive scar. Of course being a adventurous little Keeto, he tackled the Magnus and bit into it's neck,leaving a minor injury on it. Then the Magnus clawed the Keeto on his back,leaving a scar on it, but that didn't stop Jacoby from taking down the Magnus,he charged at it,scratched the Magnus's legs and arms till they were bruised and covered in blood and scratches. Then after that Jacoby limped from The Crypt,breathing heavily with every step. He came upon Shadowglen and limped to the Graveyard where he laid near the gates, sleeping silently. He woke up to the sound of crow cawing near a house,he went to the house and peeked in the window seeing a family of a young girl,boy and a older woman and a older man dying. He found out the older man was dying from hay fever and was gonna pass away soon,Jacoby came up to the window and sighed. He went through the window,trying his hardest not to weep at the sight upon him and crept to the bed where the father laid on. He held his left hand up to the father and silence fell upon the room, Jacoby looked around the room and leaped up to the window,looking back the family before running back to Shadowglen. Then he saw a single star in the night sky and walked to the Graveyard and laid near the gates,silently weeping till he fell asleep. He woke up to see a red rose laid at his feet,he looks up to the mother and her daughter and son smiling at him. He was then picked up by the mother and carried back to their house and gave him a nice bed to himself, he went into the bedroom after looking around the room to sleep on the end of the bed and fell asleep silently. In the morning he shared the treasure among the family members. One morning he walked to The Crypt and saw a corpse of the Magnus that tried to kill him, Jacoby dragged it by his teeth and walked to the Shadowglen Graveyard and made a custom grave, after make a 6 width deep hole and buried the Magnus, he imprinted the words "I forgive you" and walked back to the house silently with a gloomy look on his face. He walked to his bed,laid in it and fell asleep. He woke up and walked to the bedroom and observed it, he sighed heavily and went back to his bed
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