Pet Profile story critique
Replies
I'm no writer, so you may end up cringing, bored, etc. Sorry! I wanted something short and sweet, but, as is my tendency I probably over-explained and over-wrote.
My pet BlueTear.
I would really appreciate a critique - especially wrt to removing whole swaths of unnecessary text. Be as brutal as needed, I won't be hurt or offended, I know I'm an okay technical writer, but not a fiction writer. Also feel free to note typos, grammar and whatever else is wrong.
The Story
BlueTear gradually became aware of herself and her surroundings. It was a crisp May morning (not that she knew that). She found herself in a sea of greenery, with a large gray...something...towering above her. She hid behind the gray thing when other beings came. They never stayed long, some laid flowers, others kissed the gray thing, and a few spoke.
As time went by, she became curious and started to explore her world. Beyond the greenery, there was a lot more gray. It was hard, dry and uncomfortable. She retreated to her green area. She concentrated on learning from the beings who visited the gray thing.
Sometimes the beings shed liquid from their eyes. These resembled her, and the first few times she waited eagerly for them to open their eyes, to move.
"Company," she thought. Someone to share her knowledge with.
Sadly, they remained inanimate, eventually disappearing, leaving no trace of their brief existence. Finally, after one such incident, after the being left, and before the essence evaporated, BlueTear crept near, she extended a part of herself to touch the liquid, hoping to spark a reaction. Instead, surprisingly, her body seemed to absorb the liquid, growing a little larger.
She continued her pattern of hiding, learning and growing. She began to feel lonely and wondered if she should stop hiding, but all the beings who visited were so different from herself, she continued to hesitate. As she grew, it became harder to hide and one day she was discovered. The being stared at her in awe, she stared back, her eyes full of loneliness, fear and a sliver of hope. Without removing her eyes from BlueTear, the being searched through her bag and removed a clear hollow crystal. The being extended it toward BlueTear, who examined it. While hard like the gray stuff, it was cool and seemed inviting. Still hesitant, BlueTear let herself flow into the bottle. And thus began a beautiful friendship.
Employment: BlueTear currently works at Half-Baked. Her eventual goal is to become a Fluid Specialist.
In loving memory of Need posting achievements?Then join Posting Frenzy Achievement Items - searchable list List of Borders and cutouts New at Fresh and Flavorful Ping Group
Hi, english is not my native language, so I can't give you usefull comment about spell or grammar or so. I can only tell you about what I think about the story it self.
I love the pet and the story fits perfectly by BlueTear. The intire story about the raindrops is great to read. But I think the story is not finished yet. Who is her friend who appears in the story? 24 Karat Gold or somebody else?
Thanks.
I'm the friend, but didn't want to "intrude" in the story. I knew it ended too quickly, but I was feeling it was getting too long for what I had in mind.
24 Karat Gold shouldn't be there. I was working on the pet profile and having a problem with the treasure chest, so I added a pet friend to see if it could help me work out what was happening with the profile.
In loving memory of Need posting achievements?Then join Posting Frenzy Achievement Items - searchable list List of Borders and cutouts New at Fresh and Flavorful Ping Group
I was totally engrossed in the story and think it's wonderful. A couple of suggestions though.
- The whole story is cryptic, but self explanatory, so I would leave out statue and concrete. To me it is about the tears people shed and the sorrow they feel and those two words sort of seemed out of place.
- I'm not sure that the final paragraph is necessary. The pet treasure flows with her name and the story. You might add to the sentence, "And thus began a beautiful friendship", and add something about how meeting helped the loneliness each felt before meeting.
All in all I just love it and am jealous of anyone who can write. I love to read, but have never been able to conquer writing.
Formerly known as its_just_me
(I started in March)
Wine is the answer
What was the question?
Thank you.
-
you're totally right. That's part of my over-explaining things, instead of letting the story do the talking :). I removed those words.
-
Yeah, LOL I really have to stop myself from talking. I have a terrible time ending stuff. The paragraph didn't need to be there at all. I don't really have anything to add to the friendship line, so I think I'll just leave as it.
I'm not usually very good at writing either, but this kinda wrote itself. When I was looking for background pictures for the profile I found a gorgeous image of an enlarged eye with a single tear trembling on the end of an eyelash. Combined that image with the memorial, and I was off and running.
In loving memory of Need posting achievements?Then join Posting Frenzy Achievement Items - searchable list List of Borders and cutouts New at Fresh and Flavorful Ping Group
You're welcome. :) I really do love the story and felt myself beside BlueTear as I was reading it. That's the sign of a good story. :)
Formerly known as its_just_me
(I started in March)
Wine is the answer
What was the question?
my humble two cents: i think it's great, well done! i like how it describes everything from BlueTear's perspective, but as the reader, we can still glean what it's describing. and i don't think it's too long-winded at all, i think it's a great length! it has a beginning, middle and end, but it still leaves you wanting to know more. thumbs up!
lovely art by
"grey would be the colour if i had a heart" ~nin ❤️
Thank you! That's the feeling I was going for. Previous commenters helped me tighten it up a little.
In loving memory of Need posting achievements?Then join Posting Frenzy Achievement Items - searchable list List of Borders and cutouts New at Fresh and Flavorful Ping Group