So I have the beginning of my story here, a story I've been wanting to write and been working on the details of for a long time. I'd honestly love to post the initial little drabble here and see what any of you guys think about it. It's been impossible to find anyone who would like to give me any advice or opinions and I really want to write this story to the best of my ability, and that is difficult without outside feedback.

Please don't mind any grammatical or formatting issues as this is just a very rough first/beginning draft. however, I'd like to know if this beginning is jumping into things too quickly, or not quickly enough or if it does or does not grasp a reader's interest to continue reading. Any questions, comments or opinions are greatly welcome and appreciated.

I am also considering a new, diverted intro that will eventually lead into this bit here. But more on that possible alt intro later if anyone cares to listen. Now, on to what I have so far:

[Spoiler] Sie looks up to the stars flickering in the endless dark folds of the night sky. A loud crack like the heavens snapping in two fills the air as the clouds above accumulate quickly and begin to drench everything in rain. He tucks his index fingers within a fold of cloth at the base of his hood and tugs, pulling it over his head in a futile attempt to block out the rain. His intricately gold and tan hemmed blue traveling robes were thick, enough so to resist a light drizzle, but unfortunately not enough to effectively repel a heavy downpour. The black hooded cloak almost as dark as night itself only proved to add minimal extra protection as the material it is comprised of is fairly absorbent, leaving his head dry for mere seconds before becoming as drenched as the rest of the world.

Sie shudders, but steels himself to continue on, his unearthly emerald eyes glow slightly from beneath his dripping hood. He passes several glances around his surroundings. With the storm plus the darkness of the night, it would be nearly impossible for any normal person to travel further without at least waiting for the light of morning. Sie, however, while he could not see perfectly, could see well enough to make out clear shapes of the nearby grass and trees.



Even among the turbulent sound of the wind and rain, a rustling sound catches his keen hearing and his attention; his eyes immediately dart to search for its source. His eyes soon lock on a small bush a few feet away. The bush stops shaking, staying still for a few long moments before the head of some small animal pops out from underneath the foliage. The creature only stands about 2 feet tall and its fur is so white that it almost seems to glow under the washed out light of the moon. It soon notices Sie watching it and emits a quick chirp-like yelp and dashes off. The creature suddenly stops several meters ahead when it presumably realizes that Sie is not pursuing it. The fuzzy four-legged creature tilts its head to one side, allowing one of its long, stiff, rabbit-like ears to touch the ground.



The creature chirps again, this time more inquisitively and skitters away, only to stop once more and look back over it’s shoulder. Sie takes a step toward the creature and it lifts its head and doesn't move. It watches with a seemingly impatient look and Sie could only guess that it wants him to follow it.



His suspicion was confirmed as soon as his pace quickens and the creature turns around and runs yet again, this time not stopping to even look back. Sie quickens his pace into a full-fledged run in pursuit of the white blur. The speed of Sie's fleet-footedness along with torrential rain made it increasingly more difficult to spot the creature among the infinite darkness ahead of them.

 

What felt like no more than a short sprint must have been at least an hour or two as the sun begins to creep over the horizon, quieting the storm and casting the silhouette of a town right before Sie. His brief distraction of the newly illuminated scenery causes him to instantly lose all signs of the creature. He turns toward the town deciding it would be useless to continue searching for the strange animal. Perhaps, he thought, it knew he was in need of shelter and lured him here on purpose.

        He steps forward, pressing his soggy leather boots into the sodden ground as he approaches the outskirts of the town. Looking upon the view of the town and its buildings tells a lot about it. It's small, very small, so it’s likely it must not be well-known. Sie was certainly unfamiliar with it, although with the storm, he was rather disoriented and unsure of where he had ended up.

The town lay nestled between the edges of two forests with overgrown trees looming over several of the outlying structures. The houses are only about 10 in total and all simple log and thatch in design. They look quite old too, yet strong, evidence that they must have endured for many years through harsh times from the elements.

Sie scans the village for a sign or indication of a nearby inn but none of the buildings seemed to have any distinguishing features about them aside from a few unique pieces of twisted wood laid across the tops of doors and the eves of houses. Their shape and placement did not seem to be functional, so Sie could only assume their use was purely for decoration. Aside from that and size, most of the houses appear completely identical.

He approaches one of the larger houses where a large blossoming white willow draped elegantly over its roof. He firmly knocks twice on the door's frame and a soft shuffling on the other side of it answers back. With a click, the door creaks open and an old man is soon standing where the door was once latched. He is almost a full foot shorter than Sie and his face is gentle and humble, yet slightly gaunt, giving off a feeling of calmness and peace. Short, unkempt, gray hair lay messily on top of his head and his eyes, while a dull blue, seemed full of life and joy.

"My my, you're completely soaked. You didn't go and get yourself caught in last night's storm, didja? Ohh what am I saying? That's a pretty silly thing to ask. From the look of ya, of course you did," the old man says, hardly allowing Sie a chance to respond to him.

"Yes, I was quite unfortunate. Usually, I can tell when a storm is coming and can find shelter; this one took me by surprise," Sie replies.

"Not surprising. The weather here is known to change suddenly and swiftly with little to no warning. Even those of us who have lived here all their lives still have difficulty in predicting what the weather will choose to do, though many can still make a reasonably accurate guess."

"I see. That explains a bit, I suppose. I digress; I apologize for bothering you at such an early hour but-"

"Do I look offended to you?" The old man quickly interjects with a kind smile.

"Uh, no, not exactly."

"That's cause I'm not bothered," The old man replies, still grinning. "Now, what are you doing still standing out there all cold and soggy?"

"Actually, that's what I came here to ask. I'm looking for an inn but I haven't been able to locate one here," Sie replies, shrugging, and only now starting to realize how heavy his clothing had become.

"Not exactly what I meant, but either way we don't have one."

"There isn't an inn here? That's surprising."

"Not really. We're too small, mostly unnoticed. We rarely get travelers here so there’s no real point in having one- you’re the first visitor we’ve had in months. That barely matters, though; you're more than welcome to stay here and dry and warm yourself."

It seemed simply like a kind offer but Sie could sense that the man was adamant to let him stay and was not about to allow him to just walk away without receiving his hospitality.

Sie responds with a gentle bow of his head and a smile. "Thank you. I truly hate to impose on you, but I greatly appreciate the offer."

"Now, you can cut it out with all that overly formal bull, there's no need for that. I thought I’d already established that you're more than welcome here; there's no way I'd ever turn an honest traveler away, especially in your condition. Now, why don't you hand me your cloak so I can hang it in the muck room here. With the heat of the stove nearby, it ought to be dry before too long,”

"So what brings you all the way out here? You aren't a normal traveler to come here, and there isn't much here to see for the ordinary Joe, less you’ve gotten yourself lost while heading elsewhere."

"Actually, I am traveling to Lord Valbrant’s temple. I am a scholar, and a mage. I practice in light magic, so I thought it would only be appropriate to pay my respects to him in thanks for my ability to wield the element he keeps dominion over.”

”That’s rare nowadays. Few have worshiped, much less even acknowledged the gods since soon after Queen Alcheri has come into power. Even the scholars know better than to openly admit to it to anyone.”

”It is risky, I admit, however I do a feel a peace here. It’s as though this place has not felt the influence of the queen, so I felt I would be safe to discuss it. Especially here in private.”

”I’d be careful all the same. The Queen grows more cunning every day and her influence and control only seems to grow with it, making everyone within her reach miserable, or terrified for their lives. There’s no telling when or where her metal heads will show up next either.”

”Metal heads?” Sie inquired.

”Ahaha my apologies, son. That’s my nickname for the Queen’s idiot soldiers. All clad in metal and gleaming and they act like the most holy as though their shit don’t stink. I’ve seen them here only a few times. Each time I didn’t find I cared much for them being here. I think they’ve finally gotten it into their thick heads that there really isn’t anything here of interest, aside from Valbrant’s temple which they made sure to vandalize thoroughly during their last visit. Thankfully, their lot hasn’t been seen around here in quite some time.”[/Spoiler]

This was very well written. Your description of the storm made it almost tangible. I also liked how you introduced the Queen. You've kept an air of mystery about her that isn't possible by info dumping. I look forward to reading more about this world.

Thank you very much! That really means a lot to me. It makes me glad to think I am on the right track with this. I'll probably update this a little later when I've decided what I'm doing with this intro. I came up with a slightly different idea to use a different character instead which should open up some scenes prior to this one (Although I still plan to keep this current one in the story) but hopefully will add a bit more to the world and give a better main character structure than I have currently for this character. =3

Edit: And now I've managed to write a little bit of that alternative take that I have been thinking about. Essentially, it'll begin here and have this character, Aezra, end up in the above segment in place of Sie.

It's not a lot, only about an hour's worth of work but it's all I've managed to muster recently. As always, I appreciate any constructive comments, advice and opinions.

[Spoiler] Aezra looks blankly forward, chin on the solid oak desk where she sat, her emerald green eyes betraying her immeasurable boredom. She shakes her head in a feeble attempt to keep herself awake as her instructor continues to lecture to the class on the proper usage of runes during spell casting and the importance of their placement and size.

 The fact that this was some of the most basic and one of the first things she had learned at the academy did little for her increasing impatience to leave that room for good. It would not be much longer either, she thought. She had already familiarized herself with every inch of information she felt was humanly possibly and then some. Why she had to listen to this same run down for the third day in a row before their big test was beyond her comprehension. 

 Their mentors must have assumed that the collective of them had the memory span of a single chimpanzee, she mused, confidently counting herself out of that group. However, she could easily name a few in the room that probably did need the extra reminders. The class was not even that large to begin with. Most classes had about ten to fifteen students per elemental division. However, the students around her and of course including her were all part of the Light magic division, which houses the least number of students at a paltry seven. So even only having a few lackluster students was incredibly noticeable. 

 She lifts her head, passing subtle glances to the other equally bored students in the room. At the very least, she figures seeking to locate and pinpoint those she considered to have the worst memory would prove to be a fun enough game to keep her from losing her mind. Edgar White is the first to catch her notice. His vacant slack-jawed expression only proved to Aezra that he probably still did not understand the material; he had always been irritatingly slow. At least he was silent now and not incessantly demanding answers to the same questions that he asked on a nigh daily basis.

 The next victim of her amusement is the redheaded, but not equally as red haired as Aezra, Nivenka Eadric. While this girl is nice enough and easy to get along with, Aezra could not bring herself to consider her even remotely bright. After all, she did end up having to re-take her entrance exams three times before she finally managed to clear the exam and be to take her course at Greamorth Academy. It actually surprised her that the headmasters even allowed the poor thing to take the test that many times. Although the price of the entrance exams and the girl’s determination to be admitted was probably enough to let her keep trying. 

 Aezra assumes with confidence that Nivenka’s father was probably not very happy about the entire ordeal. The entrance exams were not cheap and if you fail then you have to pay the full price again each time you wish to retake it. It is probably a bit harsh, but Greamorth was widely known for their exemplary curriculum and ability to produce some of the greatest mages in Talismera. Many would argue that their rival, Zaulore Institute, was the better school, but to Aezra they were just a bunch of stuck up fools who think that just because their school is more expensive that it automatically deems them better than all others.

Before she got the chance to take note of yet another student, Aezra’s attenti n draws to the most joyful sound. The teacher dismissing the class washes over her as relief settles in and she hurriedly scoops up her satchel containing her pens, paper and other supplies she kept within it for her studies.[/Spoiler]

Still good, just two grammar mistakes. The paragraph where you introduced Nivenka is not fully clear. "...before she managed to clear the exam and be to take her course at Greamorth Academy." I think you forgot the word, able. In the last paragraph, you misspelled attention.

From what I know of this world you have created, both are good introductions. I think it just depends on who the main character is and what happens next.

Oh oops! I hadn't noticed that! Thanks for catching those mistakes, I kinda just roughly jotted this all down and forgot to go back and error check. Anywho, thanks again for your awesome feedback! I've actually been jotting down more notes and solidifying other details.

I have decided I'm more than definitely going to go with Aezra as the main, and keeping Sie as he was originally intended as her father. I've been thinking that he will have a better role and the personality he has I think will work better as more of a background/ plot guiding character rather than the main focus. I've been playing with the details of Aezra and I feel I have a lot more I can do with her.

It's very likely I'll be completely rewriting Aezra's segment to reflect the new information and to fix the noted errors. X3

Edit: Okay. So I've rewritten the beginning (again), but this time, I think I have what I'm looking for in a beginning (I hope). I'm honestly tired of nitpicking at it and worrying which starting point is the best to go with.

[Spoiler] “Oh, great, here comes the over-achiever now…” One redheaded student grumbles under her breath as she eagerly grabs her diploma from Mrs. Silvergreen, hastily ignoring the woman’s words of congratulations. She dashes behind the gray-haired librarian; passing disdainful glances to her fellow graduates whom all but one emulates her disgust. The odd one out just rolls his eyes at them and sighs.

 “Why can’t they just be happy for once? I mean, we’re all graduating, why do they have to be so negative, even now?” The boy, named Judda, thinks to himself. His mouth curls into a light smile as another redheaded student, more so than the one making snarky remarks to her ‘friends’, walks up the steps to the stage.

 The girl’s piercing emerald eyes scan the faces in the crowd, betraying a combined sense of slight timidity coated in smugness. A cocky grin quickly overcame any external signs of nervousness when her attention locks on one individual in the crowd, her father. She raises her right hand and wiggles her fingers at him in a lovingly derisive fashion, causing him to quirk a brow. He returns her gesture with a blended expression of exhaustion and a dash of happiness, clapping deliberately slowly.

 “Aezra” Mrs. Silvergreen calls with a smile, holding out a single, rolled parchment. Aezra gives an exaggerated bow, and then straightens to take the diploma.

 “Congratulations, Aezra. You have truly made the faculty of this fine academy proud. This is a highly esteemed moment for not only you, but also, Greamorth Academy. Before now, we have never had any aspiring mage complete, much less excel at, as many courses as you have.”

 Aezra smiles at the praise and raises a sassy eyebrow towards the students gathered on the other side of the stage. She finishes her scornful look with a glint of superiority in her eyes. This only proves to provoke the group further.

 Judda sighs. “Geeze.. Doesn’t she know she’s only making things worse? Sure, of course she has to know. It’s obvious she’s antagonizing them on purpose- but why? It’s only made them angry and given her grief throughout the years,” He thought, agonizing silently, praying for the ceremony to be over soon. Sudden loud shouts from the other students snare his attention.

 “Show off! Get off the stage already!  Nobody cares about your stupid achievement, stop rubbing it in!” One of the students yelled, clutching his degree with such irritation that it crumples in his firm grasp. Mrs. Silvergreen closes her eyes a moment and clears her throat to signify her disapproval of his comment, as she was unwilling to ruin the ceremony by calling the boy out.




 “Just ignore her,” another girl hissed. “She doesn’t deserve our attention. Besides, she only took so many courses because her father is so sickeningly rich that it’s well, it’s just stupid.”

 “It’s not even that special anyway, I could have taken three courses had I wanted to, but I chose to be humble and only take one,” The redhead from before, comments icily.

 “Uh, that’s not how I remember it, Nivenka. If I recall correctly, the reason you took only one course, is because your parents could only afford just one after you botched the entrance exams twice before you finally passed,” Edgar White, a short sandy blonde, replies, adding his two cents into the matter.
 
 “Shut up, Edgar! ‘If I recall correctly,’ nobody asked you!” Nivenka snarls, causing Edgar to shrink back in mild fear.

 “That’s enough!”  Mrs. Silvergreen snaps, looking behind her, her glare as sharp as razors. “This is a beautiful moment for each and every one of you, and this school. I suggest the lot of you to remember your manners so that we can complete this graduation in a civil manner. Honestly, you are all in your twenties yet you are all acting like teenagers.”

 The group becomes silent almost instantly. It was incredibly rare to find Mrs. Silvergreen angry, so one knew that if they found her to be so, that she must have a very good reason for it. Although they were quite, the remnants of their resent still showed in their eyes, but all she wanted was for them to ‘act’ civil. Her expression softens at Judda, who was standing uncomfortably with a sheepish expression just trying to stay out of all of it.

 The librarian turns back to face the expectant parents and families in the crowd. She adjusts her tasseled deep green shawl, just as she does her composure.[/spoiler]

Hopefully this one goes over as well or better than the others as I do feel reasonably satisfied with it and I think I'd like to continue from here.

In the second to last paragraph, you used quite, but I think you meant quiet.

This is a good opening. You have focused on a transition period of Aezra's life which will lead her into a new adventure. You have also done a good job introducing the other characters. Each one clearly has their own personality. It will be interesting to see how they interact with Aezra and how they develop over the course of the story.

Oops again! You are correct on that. I did mean quiet. Making myself a note to fix that as soon as I get back to my other computer in the morning. <3

Also, again, thank you so much for your comments and advice. It has been incredibly helpful so far to finally get some real and solid feedback to work with. =D

alrighty! Updated time! Reposting a lot of what was posted before because I've made some random edits and cleanups (hopefully I didn't miss anything, but if I did, I'll be happy if you let me know about it!)

Theres a couple of marked blanks because I still haven't figured out the details for a couple of things yet but hopefully it wont hurt the readability too much.

[Spoiler] “Oh, great, here comes the over-achiever now…” One redheaded student grumbles under her breath as she eagerly grabs her diploma from Mrs. Silvergreen, hastily ignoring the woman’s words of congratulations. She dashes behind the gray-haired librarian; passing disdainful glances to her fellow graduates whom all but one emulates her disgust. The odd one out just rolls his eyes at them and sighs.

 “Why can’t they just be happy for once? I mean, we’re all graduating, why do they have to be so negative, even now?” The boy, named Judda, thinks to himself. His mouth curls into a light smile as another redheaded student, more so than the one making snarky remarks to her ‘friends’, walks up the steps to the stage.

 The girl’s piercing emerald eyes scan the faces in the crowd, betraying a combined sense of slight timidity coated in smugness. A cocky grin quickly overcame any external signs of nervousness when her attention locks on one individual in the crowd, her father. She raises her right hand and wiggles her fingers at him in a lovingly derisive fashion, causing him to quirk a brow. He returns her gesture with a blended expression of exhaustion and a dash of happiness, clapping deliberately slowly.

 The auditorium was large, with several high-vaulted, silver arches that ribbed the room with spacing that lessened the closer they were to the stage. Each arch held simple decorations of glowing, gold-rimmed circles to illuminate the room in a warm, inviting light. Upon the wall behind the red oak stage was an enlarged version of the school’s emblem; a -----------. 

The seating was set up in a wide fan formation with one large isle cut down the middle and two on the outside edges to allow for the students and spectators to move easily between the door and the stage.

 “Aezra ---------” Mrs. Silvergreen calls with a smile, holding out a single, rolled parchment. Aezra gives an exaggerated bow, and then straightens to take the diploma.

 “Congratulations, Aezra. You have truly made the faculty of this fine academy proud. This is a highly esteemed moment for not only you, but also, Greamorth Academy. Before now, we have never had any aspiring mage complete, much less excel at, as many courses as you have.”

 Aezra smiles at the praise and raises a sassy eyebrow towards the students gathered on the other side of the stage. She finishes her scornful look with a glint of superiority in her eyes. This only proves to provoke the group further.

 Judda sighs. ‘Geeze.. Doesn’t she know she’s only making things worse? Sure, of course she has to know. It’s obvious she’s antagonizing them on purpose- but why? It’s only made them become bitter rivals and bred nothing but grief  for everyone over the years,’ He thought, agonizing silently, praying for the ceremony to be over soon. Sudden loud shouts from the other students snare his attention.

 “Show off! Get off the stage already!  Nobody cares about your stupid achievement, stop rubbing it in!” One of the students yelled, clutching his degree with such irritation that it crumples in his firm grasp. Mrs. Silvergreen closes her eyes a moment and clears her throat to signify her disapproval of his comment, as she was unwilling to ruin the ceremony by calling the boy out.

 “Just ignore her,” another girl hissed. “She doesn’t deserve our attention. Besides, she only took so many courses because her father is so sickeningly rich that it’s well, it’s just stupid.”

 “It’s not even that special anyway, I could have taken three courses had I wanted to, but I chose to be humble and only take one,” The redhead from before, comments icily.

 “Seriously? You? Humble? Who are you trying to fool?” Edgar White snips in response to Nivenka’s vain comment. 

 “Besides, that’s definitely not how I remember it, Nivenka. If I recall correctly, the reason you took only one course, is because your parents could only afford just one after you botched the entrance exams twice before you finally passed,” The short sandy blonde, finishes, garnering a dangerous look from the girl.
 
 “Shut up, Edgar! ‘If I recall correctly,’ nobody asked you!” Nivenka snarls, causing Edgar to shrink back in mild fear.

 “That’s enough!”  Mrs. Silvergreen snaps, looking behind her, her glare as sharp as razors. “This is a beautiful moment for each and every one of you, and this school. I suggest the lot of you to remember your manners so that we can complete this graduation in a civil manner. Honestly, you are all in your twenties yet you are acting like immature teenagers.”

 The group becomes silent almost instantly. It was incredibly rare to find Mrs. Silvergreen angry, so one knew that if they found her to be so, that she really was serious. Although they were quiet, the remnants of their resent still showed in their eyes, but all she wanted was for them to ‘act’ civil. Her expression softens at Judda when she sees him standing uncomfortably with a sheepish expression, just trying to stay out of all of it.

 The librarian turns back to face the expectant families in the crowd. She adjusts her tasseled, deep green shawl, just as she does her composure. Aezra takes her place on the other side of stage, adamant to wordlessly keep her distance from the other graduates and avoid their gazes. 

 Mrs. Silvergreen ignores the tension beside her, continuing the ceremony with a long, well-worded, and emotionally moving speech. Tears steam down many of the proud faces in the crowd, seemingly unaffected by the previous disagreement on stage. Applause from the crowd erupts with the conclusion of the speech, sounding like a sudden heavy downpour.  The students all bow deeply then disperse to find their respective families whom waited to congratulate them personally.

 Nivenka smirks and pushes past Aezra, nearly knocking her down, as she makes her way into the sea of faces.  Aezra hisses with indignation as she stumbles, but reacts quickly enough to lay a leg out in Nivenka’s path to try to trip her, but Judda quickly intercepts her path. Nivenka snorts derisively at both the fact that Aezra had tried to lash out at her, and that she failed to do so.

 Judda smiles as he helps Aezra get back on her feet. She had always wondered how he always seemed to stay so cheery all day, every day; perhaps he had some kind of special secret spell for everlasting happiness.

 “Why don’t we find your dad, eh? I bet he’s super proud of you,” Judda says, his smile unrelenting. At that moment, his jovial attitude was infinitely more irksome than refreshing, but she says nothing on the matter.

 “Okay, fine, sure, you win.”

 “I win, eh? That’s entertaining coming from our esteemed valedictorian who not only graduated all ten elemental magic courses, but with the highest of honors, to boot.”

 Her gaze should have pierced right through him, yet he remains just as cheerful as before. She growls and rolls her eyes.

 “And what about you, huh? You graduated too. Don’t you think your family is waiting to strangle and smother you with cascades of adorations and pride for you and your own accomplishments?” She queries pointedly.

Judda’s smile lessens and the corner of his mouth twitches involuntarily at the mention of family. “Aezra-” He starts, sucking in a light breath but is interrupted by the rhythmic tapping of hard leather soles on the polished, sodalite, tiles.

 “Congratulations, my dear. I couldn’t be more proud of you than I am right now,” Aezra’s father, Sie, comments with genuine happiness. The man was dressed in a deep blue, hooded robe, trimmed in gold and tan borders. His eyes and hair were strikingly similar to his daughter’s. 

Aezra straightens then bows with the slightest pitch forward. “Thank you, father.”

“Although, perhaps it would have been nicer had you been a little less ambitious and chosen a few classes rather than all of them? Well, nicer on my pocketbook that is,” He chuckles with a strained tone.

 “I doubt it hurt your pocketbook that much, father. Besides, we’ve already discussed this. I had to stick it to you for forcing me to take that gods-awful light magic course and you did say that I could take any course, or courses I wanted if I did. Honestly, stuffing my schedule to the brim and trying to balance my time for all of them was far less painful than that one course alone.”

 “You still passed it, didn’t you?” Sie replies smugly.

 “You’re not getting the point are you? It was boring, and lame. There were literally only seven students in that class. Did you hear me, seven! That’s all. There was at least twenty in every other class.”

“And yet, here you are. Without that one class you can’t very well claim you completed all ten now can you?” 

“I would have been happy claiming the one.”

“But, because you and your father were both so stubborn, you’ve now accomplished something no other mage in the history of Greamorth has ever accomplished. Ever,” Judda interjects. Aezra and her father both shoot him looks. His because of the perceived rudeness of the remark and hers because-

 “Judda!”

 “Uhm, ya, hello?”

 Aezra clasps her hands on to his, causing him to quickly glance down to them back to her with a perplexed expression. “Why are you still here? Family? Did you forget about them? Go, now. Seriously, they’re probably wondering where you are.”

“Ohh. Right, yeah,” Judda starts as he gently removes his hands from Aezra’s grip. “So uh, my apologies Mr. -------. I’m going to go… uh, find my fams now,” he finishes, pointing behind him to the crowd. He casts Aezra a near mournful glance and gives her a strained smile, seemingly far less enthusiastic than before. Without another word, he spins gently and awkwardly walks through the group of people. He bumps into several people, hardly seeming to notice, even when he almost falls over twice. 

 He soon disappears into the crowd where there was a wide spectrum of reactions to the graduation, and their loved ones; from fits of uncontrollable sobbing of sheer joy to whoops and hollers and lots of hugging, laughing, and dancing.

[/spoiler]

Still very good.

Hmm really? I woulda sworn I had her name mentioned previously. I'll double check it and edit that accordingly.

As for the second one, I'm not quite sure I follow your meaning. Can you give me an example? I had Sie's first and then Aezra's so I could interject with her direct reaction.

Although, as I'm typing this, I think I understand what you mean, the first sentence I put Aezra first and then her father and did it opposite in th/e second. So in the interest of keeping the second sentence as it is, would it work to reword the first sentence to say "Sie and Aezra both shoot him looks" I think I mentioned her father's name previously enough that perhaps it wouldn't be so jarring?

Revised Chapter 1 [Spoiler] “Oh, great, here comes the over-achiever now…” One redheaded student grumbles under her breath as she eagerly grabs her diploma from Mrs. Silvergreen, hastily ignoring the woman’s words of congratulations. She dashes behind the gray-haired librarian, passing disdainful glances to her fellow graduates whom all but one emulates her disgust. The odd one out just rolls his eyes at them and sighs.

 “Why can’t they just be happy for once? I mean, we’re all graduating, why do they have to be so negative, even now?” The boy, named Judda, thinks to himself. His mouth curls into a light smile as another redheaded student, more so than the one making snarky remarks to her ‘friends’, walks up the steps to the stage.

 The girl’s piercing emerald eyes scan the faces in the crowd, betraying a combined sense of slight timidity coated in smugness. A cocky grin quickly overcomes any external signs of nervousness when her attention locks on one individual in the crowd, her father. She raises her right hand and wiggles her fingers at him in a lovingly derisive fashion, causing him to quirk a brow. He returns her gesture with a blended expression of exhaustion and a dash of happiness, clapping deliberately slowly.

 The auditorium was large, with several high-vaulted silver arches that ribbed the room with spacing that lessened the closer they were to the stage. Each arch held simple decorations of glowing, gold-rimmed circles to illuminate the room in a warm, inviting light. Upon the wall behind the red oak stage was an enlarged version of the school’s emblem; a fourteen pointed sun intersected by an upward arching crescent moon with three flames surrounding it in a triangle. 

The seating was set up in a wide fan formation with one large isle cut down the middle and two on the outside edges to allow for the students and spectators to move easily between the door and the stage.

 “Aezra Cornell,” Mrs. Silvergreen calls with a smile, holding out a single, rolled parchment. Aezra gives an exaggerated bow, and then straightens to take the diploma.

 “Congratulations, Aezra. You have truly made the faculty of this fine academy proud. This is a highly esteemed moment for not only you, but also, Greamorth Academy. Before now, we have never had any aspiring mage complete, much less excel at, as many courses as you have.”

 Aezra smiles at the praise and raises a sassy eyebrow towards the students gathered on the other side of the stage. She finishes her scornful look with a glint of superiority in her eyes. This only proves to provoke the group further.

 Judda sighs. ‘Geeze.. Doesn’t she know she’s only making things worse? Sure, of course she has to know. It’s obvious she’s antagonizing them on purpose- but why? It’s only made them become bitter rivals and bred nothing but grief  for everyone over the years,’ He thought, agonizing silently, praying for the ceremony to be over soon. Sudden loud shouts from the other students snare his attention.

 “Show off! Get off the stage already!  Nobody cares about your stupid achievement, stop rubbing it in!” One of the students yelled, clutching his degree with such irritation that it crumples in his firm grasp. Mrs. Silvergreen closes her eyes a moment and clears her throat to signify her disapproval of his comment, as she was unwilling to ruin the ceremony by calling the boy out.

 “Just ignore her,” another girl hisses. “She doesn’t deserve our attention. Besides, she only took so many courses because her father is so sickeningly rich that it’s well, it’s just stupid.”

 “It’s not even that special anyway, I could have taken three courses had I wanted to, but I chose to be humble and only take one,” The redhead from before, comments icily.

 “Seriously? You? Humble? Who are you trying to fool, Nivenka?” Edgar White snips in response to her vain comment. 

 “Besides, that’s definitely not how I remember it, Nivenka. If I recall correctly, the reason you took only one course, is because your parents could only afford just one after you botched the entrance exams twice before you finally passed,” The short sandy blonde, finishes, garnering a dangerous look from the girl.
 
 “Shut up, Edgar! ‘If I recall correctly,’ nobody asked you!” Nivenka snarls, causing Edgar to shrink back in mild fear.

 “That’s enough!”  Mrs. Silvergreen snaps, looking behind her, her glare as sharp as razors. “This is a beautiful moment for each and every one of you, and this school. I suggest the lot of you to remember your manners so that we can complete this graduation in a civil manner. Honestly, you are all in your twenties yet you are acting like immature teenagers.”

 The group becomes silent almost instantly. It was incredibly rare to find Mrs. Silvergreen angry, so one knew that if they found her to be so, that she really was serious. Although they were quiet, the remnants of their resent still showed in their eyes, but all she wanted was for them to ‘act’ civil. Her expression softens at Judda when she sees him standing uncomfortably with a sheepish expression, just trying to stay out of all of it.

 The librarian turns back to face the expectant families in the crowd. She adjusts her tasseled, deep green shawl, just as she does her composure. Aezra takes her place on the other side of stage, adamant to wordlessly keep her distance from the other graduates and avoid their gazes. 

 Mrs. Silvergreen ignores the tension beside her, continuing the ceremony with a long, well-worded, and emotionally moving speech. Tears steam down many of the proud faces in the crowd, seemingly unaffected by the previous disagreement on stage. Applause from the crowd erupts with the conclusion of the speech, sounding like a sudden heavy downpour.  The students all bow deeply then disperse to find their respective families whom waited to congratulate them personally.

 Nivenka smirks and pushes past Aezra, nearly knocking her down, as she makes her way into the sea of faces.  Aezra hisses with indignation as she stumbles, but reacts quickly enough to lay a leg out in Nivenka’s path to try to trip her, but Judda quickly intercepts her path. Nivenka snorts derisively at both the fact that Aezra had tried to lash out at her, and that she failed to do so.

 Judda smiles as he helps Aezra get back on her feet. She had always wondered how he always seemed to stay so cheery all day, every day; perhaps he had some kind of special secret spell for everlasting happiness.

 “Why don’t we find your dad, eh? I bet he’s super proud of you,” Judda says, his smile unrelenting. At that moment, his jovial attitude was infinitely more irksome than refreshing, but she says nothing on the matter.

 “Okay, fine, sure, you win.”

 “I win, eh? That’s entertaining coming from our esteemed valedictorian who not only graduated all ten elemental magic courses, but with the highest of honors, to boot.”

 Her gaze should have pierced right through him, yet he remains just as cheerful as before. She growls and rolls her eyes.

 “And what about you, huh? You graduated too. Don’t you think your family is waiting to strangle and smother you with cascades of adorations and pride for you and your own accomplishments?” She queries pointedly.

Judda’s smile lessens and the corner of his mouth twitches involuntarily at the mention of family. “Aezra-” He starts, sucking in a light breath but is interrupted by the rhythmic tapping of hard leather soles on the polished, sodalite, tiles.

 “Congratulations, my dear. I couldn’t be more proud of you than I am right now,” Aezra’s father, Sie, comments with genuine happiness. The man is dressed in a deep blue, hooded robe, trimmed in angular gold and tan borders. His eyes and hair are strikingly similar to his daughter’s. 

 Aezra straightens then bows with an awkward pitch forward. “Thank you, father.” She says with a tinge of grit in her voice while attempting to abide by the strict etiquette her father had tried to drill into her from a young age.

 “Although, perhaps it would have been nicer had you been a little less ambitious and chosen a few classes rather than all of them? Well, nicer on my pocketbook that is,” He chuckles with a strained tone.

 “I doubt it hurt your pocketbook that much, father. Besides, we’ve already discussed this. I had to stick it to you for forcing me to take that gods-awful light magic course and you did say that I could take any course, or courses, I wanted if I did. Honestly, stuffing my schedule to the brim and trying to balance my time for all of them was far less painful than that one course alone.”

 “You still passed it, didn’t you?” Sie replies smugly.

 “You’re not getting the point are you? It was boring, and lame. There were literally only seven students in that class. Did you hear me, seven! That’s all. There was at least twenty in every other class.”

“And yet, here you are. Without that one class you can’t very well claim you completed all ten now can you?” 

“I would have been happy claiming the one.”

“But, because you and your father were both so stubborn, you’ve now accomplished something no other mage in the history of Greamorth has ever accomplished. Ever,” Judda interjects. Sie and Aezra both shoot him looks. His because of the perceived rudeness of the remark and hers because-

 “Judda!”

 “Uhm, ya, hello?”

 Aezra clasps her hands on to his, causing him to quickly glance down to them back to her with a perplexed expression. “Why are you still here? Family? Did you forget about them? Go, now. Seriously, they’re probably wondering where you are.”

“Ohh. Right, yeah,” Judda starts as he gently removes his hands from Aezra’s grip. “So uh, my apologies Mr. Cornell. I’m going to go… uh, find my fams now,” he finishes, pointing behind him to the crowd. He casts Aezra a near mournful glance and gives her a strained smile, seemingly far less enthusiastic than before. Without another word, he spins gently and awkwardly walks through the group of people. He bumps into several people, hardly seeming to notice, even when he almost falls over twice. 

 He soon disappears into the crowd where there was a wide spectrum of reactions to the graduation, and their loved ones; from fits of uncontrollable sobbing of sheer joy to whoops and hollers and lots of hugging, laughing, and dancing.

[/spoiler]

Chapter 2 [Spoiler] The next morning, Aezra lazily rolls out of bed. It had been all too long since she had last gotten the chance to sleep in, knowing she had no obligations ahead of her. The sun shines brightly through the stained glass windows of her bedroom, painting the walls and floor with a mosaic of colored splotches. Her bare feet touch gently onto the cool, pale, travertine floor.

 Another beam of sunlight catches the surface of the pendant around Aezra’s neck, illuminating the inside of the clear gem as though the thing sought to imprison it. A nest of silver wires encapsulates the jewel in intricate waves, accenting its elegance. One opening in the front allowed for the single rune carved into the stone to be clearly visible. She lifts it within her palms and closes her eyes as she holds it close to her heart. 

 The pendant was a gift from her mother, or so her father claimed when he gave it to her on her seventh birthday. Whether it had truly belonged to her mother or not, she fervently believed it; after all, what reason would she have to distrust his words? Regardless, the necklace was the only memento to remember her by, so she treasured it, and never removed it from her person.

 Aezra disrobes from her white, silk sleeping gown and gently pulls on her simple, dark blue gown that reaches all the way to her ankles. It was just short enough not to drag on the floor while she walked. Over that, she drapes her robe, which is a graceful sky blue. The front of the robe laid open, only fastened at the waist with a small tawny cord, with the open edges hemmed in wide silver bands.

 The smell of fresh cooked fish and seasoned rice wafts through the air of her bedroom. Her stomach emits a light growl despite the lavish dinner her father had prepared for her the night before. Despite the demanding sounds of her eager stomach, she passes through the threshold of the doorway, poising herself with elegance and pride. She descends the ivory stairs swiftly. At the base, she grabs the end of the banister and wheels herself fluidly around it, and into a lamp-lit hallway. 

 Passing through another doorway, she appears with a flourish into the dining hall where her father had just finished setting up breakfast. He nods in acknowledgement to her presence and seats himself at the head of the table with a regal posture.

 “Good morning, my daughter, I hope you slept well,” Her father says, seemingly impervious to her behavior. Aezra rolls her eyes upon realizing that her flashy entrance is being ignored. 

 “Good morning, father,” She replies flatly, realizing that his cardboard personality had returned far sooner that she anticipated.

 “I hope you’re hungry,” He replies, almost as flatly.

 “Geeze, is it honestly too hard for you to pretend you have a personality for more than eight hours?” She comments as she pulls a chair out, letting the back legs scrap against the floor, creating a painful sound. She seats herself nonchalantly and begins eating the food before her.

 Sie grunts with distaste at her comment. “It would seem that you think you no longer have a requirement of manners now that you are finished with your schooling.” He says coolly.

 Aezra rolls her eyes again. “Is it too much to ask to have a few days to relax and not be bound by rules for at least a few days. I’ve worked hard, I’ve earned it.”

 “Pardon me?” Sie replies with a harsh tone, letting his fork down with such force that it strikes his plate sharply. “Achieving great things does not suddenly give you the license to act however you choose. You still have to carry yourself respectfully. In fact, it’s even more important now that people will look up to you for it.”

 Aezra lets out a pent up breath. “You were so much more fun yesterday.”

 “Aezra, whether you like it or not, you will always have rules and responsibilities. It is the nature of the world.” Sie says, his eyes narrowing darkly.

 She quirks a brow sharply. “What? What responsibilities? You’re kidding, right?”

“Of course not,” he says slowly, pausing long enough between words to give her only a glimmer of hope before dashing it.

“You make me want to die sometimes, did you know that? I have spent the last 5 years studying day in and day out, trying to make you proud of me,” Aezra says, seething; Sie’s expression flat-lines. Aezra turns her gaze away from him; she had seen that look too many times. 

 “You don’t even have to say anything… I can see it in your eyes… I’m never going to be good enough no matter what I do, am I?” She queries with a hurt tone.

 “Aezra-” Sie starts, but is interrupted.

 “No! You will listen to me this time, father! Every time I achieve something, you act glad for me for a moment, then you just turn around with bigger and bigger expectations of me. Tell me, what were you like before we lost mother? Or were you always like this?” Aezra hisses with venom in her words.

 “That is enough, 

In chapter 1, yes, that is what I meant. The first explanation for the look should reference the first person who shot the look. The same structure should be used for the second as well.

In chapter 2,

This is a really good second chapter. You've captured the dynamic between Sie and Aezra very well. As well as balancing the past with the future.

Oops! I will check that and fix it!

As for the tongue line, That's not a mispelling. I just mistook the phrase as "bide one's tongue" as in to say they held their tongue to not say something.

I will fix both things. Thanks for pointing them out! =)