I’ve finally completed Velka’s story. I feel like it’s pretty much what I want. It’s not perfect. But am unsure where to go I guess? Does it just need polishing, grammatically. Or do you think there needs to be more detail in places to make it more... done? It is a bit on the darker side, there is mention to some violence and self harm if you find that disturbing please be warned. It’s not in detail. It’s not a very in-depth kind of thing. It glosses over a lot. I’m unsure mostly on the glossing over. If it detracts?

I am also looking for inspiration on my writing for Ruey’s story. It’s much less finished and I’m not a fan of what I’ve written there. She has brain damage, amnesia... but like the real kind. I’m trying to find a way to write the story with that. She was an investigative journalist, her fiancé murdered her mother and father and tried to frame it on her. She was fighting for her innocence and Was almost able to break the case as it were and her fiancé attempted to murder her. She’s now in very odd place where no one can identify her and she can’t identify herself. Its an involved story, and I don’t quite know how to navigate it??? Any suggestions would be wonderful! Her name is pronounced Roy. Got her name off an old tombstone!

omg hi?? i haven't talked to you in ages ; v ;

anyway i just finished velka's story and really liked it overall! the sense of claustrophobia and dread come across super well especially when she talks about the solitary confinement. and the narrative voice in general is great and conveys personality~ i also really like the end of the first paragraph with the anyone can have mental illnesses theme because it establishes this sense of "this can happen to anyone" which makes the whole story feel even more grounded in reality and close to the reader and also because it's a super important thing i wish more people would understand nghh

as far as critique goes i just found a couple things really!

the repetition of mental illness makes this sentence clunky. i would get rid of the first mental illness and change it to "do not think i am linking violent behaviour to every person"

would work better as either "most people who suffer are not violent, at least not to others" or "towards others"

could use a comma after events

the repetition of peace would work better between commas or dashes

without paying attention it almost sounds like she's saying she would give up the opportunity to be murdered rather than establishing a condition. "even risked murder" would be better

could be just "get medical attention", or if you want the repetition try "get to receive"

i don't see why this is a question. if you wanted to make it into a rhetorical question you could change it to "also why would the guards care?"

i would personally toss in some more commas for dramatic effect and to better convey that this is someone talking, like "also, no, you cannot use my phone, excuse me"

either get rid of the comma or "and", both together are unnecessary

it's actually near impossible to be diagnosed with both bipolar and depression simultaneously, unless the diagnosis changed over time or there was a misdiagnosis somewhere, so you might want to get rid of one of the two or make it clear the diagnosis changed/was revised or something also since ptsd is an acronym i think it has to be all uppercase? i'm not 100% sure so don't quote on me this haha

would work better as either "one wrong move and i go back" or "one wrong move, i go back"

and some grammar stuff~

should be systematic racism

the fecking might have been intentional? but i wasn't sure so thought i'd point it out anyway lol

effect solitary had on me

therapied isn't a word (nothing wrong with making up words ofc! just thought i'd let you know). you could change it to "would have been ok with therapy and medication"

(and every instance of rathered) rather can already be used as a past tense without the -ed. the structure of these sentences would flow better as "would rather have"

should not exist

torture, devastated, hallucinated, responsibility

there are no stimuli

uppercase I

my parents' home

my newfound mental stability

my parents' money

i think in general the fast pace and "glossing" actually adds to it! it gives a better idea of how suddenly everything happened and contrasts with the long descriptions of her time in solitary, which then make them stand out if you do want to add something, i think a single sentence or two referencing velka's past/childhood or relationship with her parents could contribute to the theme of anyone can have a mental illness despite upbringing. though i don't think this is necessarily lacking and the story works fine as is |D

uh it's really late here and i'm falling asleep lmao but i'll read over ruey's too tomorrow hopefully!!

Yo ‘sup. Thanks for all that. I’ll start combing it over and fixing things. iPads make certain things like spelling annoying. Fecking was intentional because I thought it’d be funny. So was therapied. My iPad wasn’t happy about that particular spelling error. Let everything else through though? Would it be better to change therapied just for other people reading? Have it flow better?

Ruey’s is a lot less finished. I’ve re written bullshit for her so many times. Hard to find a voice I guess?

But thank you so much.

Edit: added what you’ve suggested and fixed the spelling mistakes. Would you like to be credited for your help?

lmao i feel you on the struggle of writing on an ipad!! mine sometimes randomly changes the proofing language and it's a pain to deal with in general :v

nah i think therapied is fine! it makes sense in the context so it doesn't disrupt the flow or anything |D

and no need to credit! c:

(i haven't read ruey's yet sorry orz i'll get to it when i can actually sit down and read haha)

I gave my bluetooth keyboard to my mom cuz she needed a new one... but heck. Keyboards are so nice....

Holidays suck, no time for nuthing. Work doesn’t leave enough time as it is.