On the way out of a grocery store, I took a piece of an orange from the free sample dish. I finished it by my car and chucked the small bit of peel on the ground. And as I was unlocking my door, some old lady shouts behind me, "Hey! Don't throw your garbage on the ground!!"

I turn in shock and shout back, "It's an orange peel." (This part was amazing, I want you to know. I am so absolutely unprepared for social situations that when challenged in the real world I'm more likely to fall over and poop myself than I am to actually respond.)

At this point I kind of expected her to say, "Oh my bad lol" because that's the only thing that makes sense. But instead she shouts, "That dud-n't matter, this ain't your trash--" at that point I slammed my door in her face, but presumably she said "can."

Then I sat there fuming for five minutes. Perhaps once in a decade I've got the balls to say something to asshats who're absolute asshats instead of letting them just continue existing as such, and shock of shocks! This was my one day! I had it all ready to go:

"You want me to put a biodegradable food item into a trash bag so that it can get closed up and go to a landfill where it will never biodegrade because it's inside a bag, and just sit there for eternity? YOU'RE RUINING THE PLANET YOU HORRIBLE OLD BITCH."

I prepared to charge out of my car, keys in hand in case it got physical and I had to rake them down her stupid face! But alas, ahhh, of course she was already gone. I'd have to go into the store to find her and shout at her in the bread aisle or something, and while I momentarily had stones, the stones weren't nearly big enough or hard enough for that. They were soft stones, the kind that look like stones but are really just hard-packed dirt, and you can crumble them into sand in your fingers. Those are the kind of stones I had that day.

So I drove home, my vision blurry with rage, and ran over a different old lady on the way.

Just kidding.

What really grinds my gears is that she's continuing on with her life thinking she's the one who gives a shit about the planet. I've gone down in history in her mind (and her friends' and family's mind, when she no doubt tells the story) as the devil-may-care youth who doesn't give a crap about anyone but themselves. And the opposite is true because she's the idiot who's blindly fucking the place up! Grrrr, arrrrgh.

I guarantee you she's also one of these monsters who rakes up leaves in the fall and bags them on the curb to go to landfills too. They decay and make your lawn better in the first place, and in the second place STOP FILLING LANDFILLS WITH BAGGED LEAVES YOU ASSHATS!

Ugh it's always the "progressive," super-recycling areas doing that, such idiot hypocrites, grr...

Now comes audience participation! Feel free to share your own stories of someone mouthing off to you thinking you're the douchebag when really it's them, or any time you were confronted in a confrontation and ran away like a sniveling coward because you're jelly wrapped in a skin-bag resembling a human being just like me!

Or you know, anything remotely related. It's "Small Talk," ain't no rules up in here.