Background: I live in a townhouse with 3 other girls. I've been having issues with people taking my toothpaste, shampoo, body wash, food (mostly food), and even sometimes I notice my make up being moved around in my room. When I confront any of them about it, everyone says it's not them. This has been something so stressful for me and something I've continuously complained to my boyfriend about. I've started hiding my toothpaste, taking it with me, and putting a lock on my makeup box. I've bothered everyone in the house enough such that the only thing I get taken anymore is food in our kitchen. Since I'm only living there for 2 more weeks, I've given up on making anymore effort in trying to catch who has been taking my shit.

Fast forward to last weekend, a girlfriend of one of my boyfriend's roommates and I were at a mutual friend's house for a party. And she started talking about her boyfriend marking his alcohol bottles to catch who had been stealing his beer and wine. I didn't think anything of it because I just assumed it wasn't my boyfriend.

Now to yesterday: While I was studying at my boyfriend's house, two of his roommates asked to speak with him outside. I tried to not snoop but I heard a lot of yelling and accusing, saying my boyfriend was taking their things. They admitted it was small things but that overtime it adds up. They singled him out saying they knew it was him and that they just wanted him to pay for things like alcohol when he takes them (ie bottles of beer being taken from the fridge and even a bottle of wine). They also just asked him to stop doing it without asking. But the whole time my boyfriend got really defensive and rejected everything. He said those beers were his, they just bought the same brand of beer. The wine was from work, it was just a coincidence that they were the same brand of wine, etc. After he came upstairs again he just told me part of it but really toned it down as if it wasn't a big deal. He said they said the beer and wine was taken only a week ago, when I know that wasn't the case thanks to that roommate's girlfriend I overheard.

So advice:

1. Should I tell my boyfriend that I know they marked their bottles/what I overheard from the roommate's girlfriend?
2. How do I tell my boyfriend I'm hurt by this? Since I've been on the side that his roommates are on in my own living situation, I know how stressful and frustrating it is to have people taking your things. I feel like I should stand on my boyfriend's side but I actually do doubt his story a little. Also the fact I knew the roommates started marking their bottles... they wouldn't single my boyfriend out for no reason. It also scares me how little my bf cares. I thought the fact two of his friends accused him of this would weigh on him or make him worried about his relationships with his friends since freshman year of college, and yet he seems completely unphased by it. I don't know if I should ignore this problem, talk to him about it, or if this raises possible relationship red flags for the future (We've been together for 10 months, friends for 3 years before that).

Edit: typos

Honestly, I personally wouldn't tell him that you know his roommates are marking their bottles. If he is the one that's stealing, you would only be making it easier for him to get away with it in the future. If he isn't, then it's a non-issue anyways (but I very much doubt this is the case).

There's "standing by your boyfriend" and there's "standing by a thief". He is stealing, from the people who should be able to trust him. As you said, you know exactly what this kind of betrayal feels like (as do I, as do most people who have lived with roommates at some point). Is this something you want to support or encourage? If not, then I'd suggest reconsidering the relationship; or, at the very least, having a very serious talk about how this behaviour makes you feel and what it could mean for the future of your relationship. In the grand scheme of things, ten months isn't that long - so don't get caught up in the sunk cost fallacy if this turns out to be a deal-breaker for you. And, for the record, I would say that yes this is most definitely a red flag; he doesn't respect his friends/roommates, or their property - and if you were to ever live with him, I don't think it would be any stretch of the imagination to say it's likely he'd show you the same regard.

Ultimately what you decide to do is entirely your call to make. Just make sure you're doing so with a clear head, and that whatever you do decide is because you know it's what is best for you.

Thanks for the response! Yeah, I just came back from a weekend trip to another city so I haven't seen him yet. I feel like I was intensely freaking out when it first happened. I'm still considering talking to him later after we meet up with some friends. I'm just struggling with how to go about starting the conversation. I won't want it to seem like I'm blaming him or accusing him outright when there's still the possibility that he didn't or at least for me to hear his side of the story. Yet, I do want to bring up my concerns. We haven't had any issues in the past so I'm worried about having our first real serious talk/possible argument.

hmm... has brought up some good points, but I want to counter with another couple of possibilities:

1. If all of his roommates are marking their bottles except for him, and there is a possibility that it isn't him, then whoever is doing it already has that advantage that Narceu mentioned. That could make it even more difficult to pinpoint who it is in the first place if it's not him.

2. You could talk to his roommates first; tell them that you also want to confront him because it's just not sitting right with you, and warn them that he's going to be made aware of how they've been marking the bottles and things. Maybe there's another method they could use to mix it up sometimes, and eliminate some of that worry of the thief being able to get around it?

His excuses do sound kind of flimsy, and I don't think it's unreasonable for you to entertain the notion that he might be doing it, especially since it's a topic that hits close to home for you. Shouldn't he understand that, after what your own roommates have put you through? :/ Maybe you can approach it from another way to make it easier? Like... maybe he should be buying different brands, or marking his own bottles or something. He will probably just get defensive again if you come at it from an angle of him needing to prove his innocence. But if you come at it from an angle of conflict resolution, and trying to find a middle ground that will prevent fights like that in the future, maybe it will be easier for him to swallow. And frankly, if he's not doing it and he does want everyone to know, you'd think he would be willing to try to work with them on that front.

All that said, I think you should trust your gut. It sounds like this really isn't sitting well with you, and regardless of what the source is, when your partner is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, you should be able to discuss it together. If you have a mutually trustful and respectful relationship, I'm sure he'll understand, even if he takes umbrage at first. And even if he doesn't really care what his roommates think of him, he should care what you think! He should want you to feel comfortable and safe in your relationship, and he should want you to know that you can trust him. As uncomfortable as it can be at first, trying to confront him about it is the only way to make sure that you're both on the same page, and it's always better to be in a relationship where you can talk to each other about anything and be transparent and honest.

I can see why you're apprehensive. This does sound like it'll be kind of a first big trial for your relationship, and that things could easily go either way. But I think you're being very practical, and if you do confront him, it will be very brave of you! I hope that whatever you choose to do, you feel better in the long run. (: Good luck!!