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Feb 22, 2016 10 years ago
Vyrania
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I feel like I'm writing as if I'm a fifth grader T-T

Immediately, I charge at the woman that wields the sword.  I am separated from the main body of the army, but I figure that taking down a single soldier would be simple.  I swing the Yato down.  She parries though and brings the hilt of her sword down onto the hand that held Yato.  My hand goes numb and I drop my blade.  
“What?”  I gasp and her arm wraps around mine as her grip settles at my elbow.  Turning with enough momentum, she throws me to the ground over her shoulder.  I was careless!  I land on my side with the wind knocked out of me.  I hastily try to regain my breath, but she removes the armor from my right arm.
“Kinda useless without a weapon aren’t ya?”  Bending my arm over her knee, she snaps it hard.  I feel a crack and then a sharp pain.  
“It hurts!  It hurts, it hurts, it hurts!”  I cry out as tears well in my eyes.
“Ah but we are not finished yet.”  Rolling me onto my back, she removes my stomach armor and slits into it with her sword.  “You will be torn open from this crack on your belly.  You’ll suffer immense pain.”
My eyes go wide with horror, but it’s too late.  Her fingers are already tearing at my stomach and digging into my entrails. 
“Stop it!  Ah it hurts!  Stop!  Kaze!” I scream and sob for him harder than ever before.  I feel a sharp pain down below as the woman tugs and rips flesh from within.  The pain dulls though as her hands leave my body.  I can feel her hands on my face.  It’s caked in something warm and sticky. It’s my blood.  I can feel her tracing something on my forehead.  After she is finished, all I can feel was chill.  I’m so cold.  I don’t want to die here.  Memories flash of the past.  In these memories, I remember Kaze.  It’s quite funny that we met all because I almost killed him back in Nohr.  I refused to kill him though and spared him his life.  I almost paid for it with mine, but it was worth it.  As I’m laying here though, I swear I see him leaning over me. 
I mutter, “K-Kaze…”



The battle ended, but I can’t find her anywhere.  Where is Corrin?  Where is my wife?!    That’s when my brother, Saizo, approaches me.  
“Brother, I found Corrin!  I can’t move her though.”  His voice is grave as he speaks, “It…It’s not good.  Come see for yourself.”
He takes off right away, and I frantically run after him.  The aches from my muscles disappear as a rush of adrenaline overtakes me.  The bruises and cuts on my body are mundane.  My heart just keeps racing faster.  All I can hope for is that it isn’t that bad.  Perhaps my brother is mistaken.  My thoughts are dashed when we reached her though.
Corrin is on the ground.  Her skin is deathly pale.  Her whole front side is covered in blood.  It is her blood.  I run to her side and lean over her.  Tears are still falling from her eyes.  Above though on her forehead, was a bird drawn in blood that I assume is Corrin’s.  When my eyes reach her stomach though, I am horrified.  There is a giant hole in her stomach that exposes her insides.  I want to scream, but I can’t.  It’s too horrible!  I lurch and I vomit beside her.  The stomach acid burns my throat but this pain is pointless.  When I look back up, further ahead is a mass of flesh.  I can’t tell what it was, but it was torn out of my wife.   I want it all to be a simple bad dream, but it is reality and nothing can change this grisly scene.
Quickly, I dig out an elixir and prop her head up.
“Please drink this Corrin.”  I urge her.  Will this even work though?  If it doesn’t, then that means I can’t do anything for her!  I hold it up to her lips and slowly let it flow into her mouth.   I fee her throat to check for signs of swallowing.  I hold my breath and then,
“K-Kaze…” she breathes.  Her eyes are still half closed, but she’s alive!  Her complexion starts to show some color, but if the wound is not taken care of immediately, her condition will start to deteriorate again.  We need a healer.  They are all at the clearing though and we are still a way in.  Wait!  I hear footsteps behind me!  I will not allow anyone to take her from me.  If I have to, I will die to protect her because that is the vow I not only made as her retainer, but it’s also the vow I took as her husband.  
I am ready, but as I turn, I see that Saizo, Sakura, Jakob, Felicia, Elise, and Azura are all running towards us.  Healers!
“Please help her!”  I plead, “There’s nothing more I can do!”
Jakob, Sakura, Felicia, and Elise, with rods in hand, kneel down beside Corrin.  There’s a moment of silence.  Sakura is the first to speak.
“Well, I’m not sure what we can do, but we’ll try to help.  Ok everyone, let’s try it.”  The healers all bring up their rods as they start glowing.  Nothing is happening though.  Why is nothing happening?!  She is unconscious and her condition isn’t changing.    
“Please be ok Corrin.  Don’t leave me already.”  I mutter as tears fall from my eyes.  They fall onto her face and mix with her blood.  
Jakob exclaims, “How cruel that someone could do this to her.  Kaze, were you here when this happened?”
“No I wasn’t.”  If I were there with her, then this never would have happened.  I only have myself to blame.
“Hey, it’s working!  The wound is closing up,” Elise speaks.  
I look up from her face and toward her abdomen.  Surely, the gaping hole in her stomach is starting to close.  “Oh gods!  Please live Corrin.  I’m right here beside you.”
Time passes.  How long is this taking?  The crevice in her stomach finally closes up.  A large puffy scar is left in its place, but that doesn’t matter.  She is still caked in blood, but she won’t lose anymore.  Sakura reports that she is stable enough to carry back to Fort Jinya.  
I pick her up in my arms and run through the forest into the clearing.  Everything is a blur.  Xander and Ryoma approach me, but I ignore them.  I have to get her back to Fort Jinya so she receives thorough medical attention.  I don’t care if she’s stable.  She needs help now!  Why can’t I do anything more?  Why was I not there to protect her when she needed me?  Why did she have to suffer like this?!  I swear to the gods, whoever did this will pay! 
Mar 18, 2016 10 years ago
Star Captain
eon
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You have pretty good taste in video game husbands. I'm personally a Niles kind of gal, though. ^-

I'll divide my critique into two sections: Corrin's part, and Kaze's part. Within those sections, I'll give you three other sections: Overall Impressions, Nitpicks/Revisions, and Possibly Helpful Tips. And finally, I will wrap it all up in a neatly packaged Final Takeaways section at the end. ^^

I accidentally wrote almost 13 pages giving critique to your work, so in order to not spam the thread, I have put everything in a Google Docs document!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_3AfZ-Sg870fR_tEGtSxb91_RtY9mSUQHrl5pEtA8xI/edit?usp=sharing

P.S.- Do you have an AO3 or FFN account? I'd love to read more of your stories. It's always nice to meet other Fire Emblem fanfiction writers. ^^

Mar 18, 2016 10 years ago
Vyrania
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thank you so much for your critique! I love it! I have not set up an account yet, but since I posted this, I expanded this story to like 8 pages XD I'll definitely go back through and apply your tips to my story. This was my first attempt to any help is greatly appreciated :)

Mar 18, 2016 10 years ago
Star Captain
eon
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Awake

I'm always happy to help a fellow Fire Emblem fan and writer! ^^

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