Christmas Pet Story-editing help/review needed
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Hello Writing Discussion and PS Story/Support people!
I recently finished writing my pet Rudolph's story, and since I'm not the best writer, I was wondering whether you guys would mind going through the story and checking for any of the following:
- clunky/awkward/run-on sentences
- grammar errors
- stilted/bad dialog
- passages/sentences that make no sense
- bad descriptions
- any other improvements you can think of/your general impressions
Thank you in advance!! :)
you did really well. i didn't see anything wrong.
nothing threw me off. It's a really sweet story.
If I have claimed a Dance from you and do not immediately Dance I will get back to you.
Always Buying:
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The story is very cute. I love how you added the frame story about the little girl in the end. The moral is very nice and it is nice to think about how Christmas traditions were invented. Who could be a better Santa than a little boy named Rudolph? ^_^
(Chibi Antlephores forever! ❤ )
It's delightful when your imaginations come true, isn't it?
I agree with that there are a lot of commas in certain areas--a few sentences seem very long and could probably be broken up (e.g., the third sentence in paragraph 1).
A few edits
Rudolph was running errands in the town square.
Its paint had faded from the elements...
"I don't know, sweetheart. Somebody very, very kind." -->The comma in this sentence was ungrammatical, so I broke it into two sentences (though the second one is a fragment, but that's ok).
"You're my hero," Mitzi had said. --> Or you could delete the quotation marks and italicize Mitzi's words (style choice).
"It's almost your bedtime. You should go to sleep."
Overall, this is such an adorable story. Nice use of the frame and your writing style fits the story perfectly.
^-^
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A few things
Missing commas:
"It's okay, Mitzi," We've passed by their house before, sweetie.
I think this one is more of a stylistic choice to add or not, but it looks better to me with a comma:
He couldn't afford to drop these cookies, too!
—
This:
"Yes, I think so," she said, tapping her chin with a silver knitting needle, "little girl with the pretty blond ringlets?
should probably be two sentences:
"Yes, I think so," she said, tapping her chin with a silver knitting needle. "A little girl with pretty blond ringlets?
And this is personal preference, but you don't really need both "said" and the action tag:
"Yes, I think so." She tapped her chin with a silver knitting needle. "A little girl with pretty blond ringlets?
—
Again, personal preference, but "then" isn't necessary here:
but then she slipped in the snow and dropped them all."
And I think everything else I noticed has already been mentioned. c: It's a cute story. Good luck!