I'd like some opinions and critques on Age of Mythology's story. I am not looking to enter for the spotlight, just looking for some critique to better enhance the story thus far.

Also, please be warned, if homosexuality or greek mythology bothers you, please don't read. :)

pretty good. i only spotted one mistake. let alone seen one to her bed should be let alone see one to her bed. other wise no mistakes found

Thank you very much, I will see to it that it is fixed. :)

Hello ! I've read your story a while ago and wanted to comment on this since then, but I wasn't 100% sure what to write. I like the story itself. The whole Greek mythology theme is very interesting and I like your style of writing. But there was something about it that bothered me, and it took me until today to figure out what it is. One minor thing is that I wonder if the name of the main character is "Age of Mythology" or have you imagined something different for her? I noticed her name is never mentioned in your story. And the second thing that bothers me more is that I don't really understand why you chose the phrase "Am I beautiful now, Aphrodite?" is the frame for your story. If I got it right your main character never had a choice if she wanted to be Aphrodite's lover or not, she was forced to because it is a Goddess and as a human you better obey. Did she develop feelings for the Goddess? Why does she ask "Am I beautiful now, Aphrodite?" in the end when she is sent back from Hades? Is she angry because she was killed by her? I don't get the motive there.

Hi, thanks for reading, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. :) I'm still working on revising it, which is why I posted this thread. :) Anyhow, it is meant to be written like a diary entry, which is why she didn't mention her name. Aphrodite only wanted her because of her beauty, and while in the beginning she didn't like Aphrodite, she came to harbor some feelings for the goddess. The question she asked Aphrodite in the end is rhetorical, as Hades made her ugly, and unslightly to Aphrodite, so Aphrodite rejected her, "Rotten flesh now hangs from my broken bones, as I shift between sanity, and craziness... I was sent back to Aphrodite after my transformation. She looked upon me with disgust, not even recognizing who I was." While her name is never discussed, her name was Mythos. :)

Maybe you could add something like "My mother named me Mythos" or "Aphrodite called me Mythos" or something like that. We get so much information about her mother and grandmother, it feels a little awkward to me not to know the main character's name.

I can understand that it is a rhetorical question in the end, but your story never mentions that she develops feelings for the Goddess. To me it sounds like she didn't really want to be with her. And I think the question would make much more sense if Aphrodite had rejected Mythos, because she thought she wasn't good enough. But when the Goddess THOUGHT she was beautiful, why would she ask this question when she returns with her new look?

And I wonder why she would think that the Goddess was ashamed of having a homosexual affair. It was very common in old Greece to have affairs with the same sex, with animals, with children.. with who- or whatever you want.

I will take that into consideration and try to work those bits in there to revise the story abit. :) The bit about Aphrodite being embarassed was simply my own opinion and view, is all.

The bit at the start that says "the God's and Goddess's of Olympus" should be Gods and Goddesses; the possessive form isn't needed here.

EDIT: A few more:

"herself, payed us a visit" > herself - paid us a visit. Also, it seems a bit... casual? Like she's describing her Nan popping round for tea, not a deity.

"God's and Goddess's" > Gods and Goddesses

"Despite we were human" > I don't know what this means.

"Aphrodite was ashamed" > seemed ashamed, maybe? Seeing as she actually wasn't.

"longest of time" > longest time/longest stretch of time

"soon as Hade's laid eye" > as soon as Hades laid his eyes on me

"Hade's laugh echoed the wonderous halls" > echoed through the wonderous halls

"keep, to" > keep to

"Sneering, I" > Sneering, I

And fun fact: Hades was the only god in mythology who didn't cheat on his wife and is widely thought to be one of the more reasonable and less jerkish gods in the Greek parthenon. Turning young ladies into monsters is more of a Hera thing, considering what she did to so many of her husband's lovers.

I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.

[edit]Oh, what happened here? This was asolutely not the thread I wanted to post this. I am really sorry!

; First of all, I LOVE THIS. I love Greek mythology and I love that your story centers around how the Gods were always stealing brides/beaus. That being said, I found a couple more typos and some ideas that I think would improve the flow in the first two paragraphs -- I only had a couple of minutes before class hehe! Here we go:

1.) Contractions sound pretty informal, and this story sounds pretty serious to me. I would do away with all the contractions.

2.) I agree w/ "God's and Goddess's" being "Gods and Goddesses" as they don't possess anything in that sentence.

3.) "...offered as an offering..." is repetitive. "offered to the Gods (no apostrophe)" is much better; or if you're really bent on having that phrase -- "presented as offerings" is a lot better!

4.) "...though seduction on the God's part." -- I believe you meant *through and I (personally) think "on the God's behalf" sounds a lot better! Also you used the apostrophe perfectly here.

5.) "This is how we got some of our half gods." -- I think you should just call them what they were: demigods. Half gods doesn't sound nearly as cool imo, but it's totally up to you! I also think "This is how demigods came to be." might be better, but that's just an idea.

6.)"The humans they took were usually of great beauty and utmost perfection." The idea behind the word perfect means that it is one state that can no longer be improved on because it is perfect, therefore I think "utmost" perfection doesn't make any sense as there are no tiers of perfection...just that one state of being perfect. I would change it to "...utmost beauty and perfection." because "utmost" is a cool word and a better adjective than "great."

7.) "I was amongst those that the God's might just choose to take their own." -- The phrase "...might just choose..." is a little clunky. "I was amongst those that the Gods *chose to take *as their own." is a lot better, and serves as an intro to the plot, which is her being courted by Aphrodite. "...to take their own" needed the word "as" in there.

8.)"However, I was just the daughter of a humble priestess..." - I wouldn't use the word "however" here unless the fact that she's the daughter of a humble priestess complicates things for her. It doesn't seem to. What does seem to complicate things for her is the fact that she is a girl. If you do decide to do away with the word "however" the word "just" is expendable as well. If you wanted to keep the feel of the sentence, replacing "just" with "merely" is an idea!

9.)"...who found her ruin in the very temple she served." There's nothing wrong with this phrase, I just love it and wanted to let you know this is my favorite line so far. So elegant.

10.) "Graced with auburn hair, brown, with the warmth of the sun. I watched that very sun with my own bright blue eyes, the very color my grandmother had- least be what my mother told me." Graced w/ auburn hair w/ the warmth of the sun? Did the sun warm or grace her hair? I would do away w/ the whole thing. Maybe "Graced with auburn hair, warmed by the sun." The ",brown," does nothing to further illustrate the color of her hair. The word "own" in the second sentence there is unnecessary and the whole grandmother tangent doesn't add anything to the context. Seems trivial. "least be" sounds a little pirate-y and doesn't seem to match the language style you'd already established.

Feel free to let me know if you'd like for more advice, I can keep looking it over later! This story is super interesting. :)