Hello everyone!
I've been working on the background story of my Subeta Character and I really want to know what you think :) Please read it HERE on my profile or in the spoiler below if you don't feel comfortable with the font.
Read the Story here
All you wanted was to take a shortcut through the forest to get from Riverside to Veta. You have done that a hundred times before. But somehow you lost your way. The dark has already fallen over the woods, and you have no idea where you are or how to get out of here. You have been wandering around for a while, and you are getting really tired. As you see a light in the dark, you cautiously walk closer.
Hello there, stranger!
You are startled when you hear the voice, but after hesitating for a moment you decide to continue walking. As you come closer you see a cloaked figure sitting by a fire. He is hooded, so you cannot see his face. His voice does not sound unfriendly and you are really tired. The fire is already starting to warm you from where you stand.
It's nice to see a friendly face around here. You look very hungry and tired. Why don't you come closer, and sit with me by my campfire? Let's share meat and wine. Please, help yourself.
You are too hungry to refuse the offer, so you grab a nice slice of meat and a chunk of bread, and start to eat.
Isn't that better? So tell me, what are you doing around here? Don't you know that these woods are told to be very dangerous these days? Especially when you're wandering alone in the dark. You never know what mischievous creatures you may meet.
There is something alarming in the voice, so you look up. You still cannot see the face, only white teeth shining in the dim light.
Don't worry. I am not talking about myself.
Without taking the eyes from the fire he removes his hood, and reveals his face. Or rather her face. Her dark brown hair falls loosely to her chest. But as you take a closer look you see scars running over her face. She still stares into the fire with a sad smile.
I'm talking about dragons and witches. Monsters. If you have some time, let me tell you my story. Where should I begin...
You can read the beginning of her background story HERE or again down below. But this is still unfinished.
Read about the past
Our story begins in the magical and mystical forest that separates Riverside and Veta. It was long before these towns had their names and long before humans had appeared in Subeta.
It was a time when dragons were still a rarity in these lands. It was known that there were a few dragons living secluded in the desert of the Sacred Sands. Not only were they a symbol for the warm and magical winds, blowing in the world, they were the incarnation of the spirits of the old Gods of Subeta. So the dragons of old in the Sacred Sands were living in peace with the other creatures populating the world. Beloved and even worshiped by some.
However, bright lights are always followed by darkness and shadows. Some dragons used their force to serve the dark and evil Gods of the Darkside. They brought fear and terror to the people. Only the balance between the dragons of light and the dragons of darkness could restore equilibrium between the old Gods.
One day, the omens for grave times and dire changes became distinct. It was the day when one of the mysterious galactic dragons, living somewhere in deep space, put down two of his eggs in the forests of Subeta.
Giyan hatched a few days before her little brother. Of course she didn't know her name yet, but she knew what her instincts told her. They told her to wait until the other egg in the nest would be ready to hatch. She was just a little lindworm, so she spent her time growing, watching the sun and stars alternate with one another, drinking from the morning dew, and discovering her surroundings. When Arthaniel started to move nine days later, Giyan was already double the size of a hatchling. She showed her little brother all she knew about their new home; where to find water and food. Then, after they had grown a little stronger, the siblings decided to explore the forest. It was no easy path. They had to climb over roots and streams. One day they even had to cross a broad river. Arthaniel fell into the water and almost drowned, but he knew he could always count on his big sister. She always took care of him. And so Giyan pulled Arthaniel out of the water and saved him. He was very grateful and in that moment they both knew they would always help each other when they were in distress. The journey was hard, but it hardened their muscles, so they became stronger each day. Their bodies kept growing and growing, as the bond between them.
»Watch out«, Giyan told Arthaniel by looking deep into his eyes. They hadn't met anyone yet, so they did not know how to speak. But they understood each other. »Don't fall down.« The dragons had traveled for a while when suddenly a huge mountain appeared in front of them. They decided to climb to the top, to get a view of the forest and maybe see something beyond. They had already come very far, when night struck and the winds blew harder than before. The next ledge ought to be their place to rest. Then everything happened really fast. Arthaniel tried to pull himself up, when a part of the rock broke apart and he lost his grip. Giyan saw him falling and tried to catch him, but she had no chance of reaching him. This time, she could not help her brother. With panic in her eyes she saw Arthaniel falling into darkness, screaming in fear, until he disappeared from sight. She looked away in desperation, closed her eyes and cried. All she could hear were the winds howling in her ears. Suddenly a flapping sound mixed with the howling. Very quiet at first, but Giyan noticed it came closer. When she turned her head, she could not believe her eyes. It was Arthaniel, coming back to her. And he was flying! Giyan hurried to climb the rock, and when she reached the ledge, Arthaniel was already sitting there. He was out of breath, but he was alive and smiling. It was one of nature's wonders, that when Arthaniel fell down, his wings strained themselves. Before he reached the deadly ground, his instincts made him flap, so he slowed down and finally began to fly back to meet his sister. When they fell asleep, snuggled up against each other and exhausted, both dreamed of how they would continue their journey flying.
Giyan and Arthaniel rushed forward as they flew over the vast plain of Ytiva. It was biting cold, and all they could see was white snow everywhere. At first sight the frozen water had seemed to be beautiful. Soon the young dragons realized the downside of the white. There was no way to land and rest without the danger of freezing to death. The last time they had slept had been nights ago, on the mountain where Arthaniel fell. After waking up Giyan was alone on the ledge. She saw Arthaniel flying a few feed above. He pointed to the horizon. »I saw something. Let's go there.« There was just one problem. How was Giyan supposed to fly without wings? She landed on her face for the first few trials, but after some crash landings it turned out that it was not that hard. She had to concentrate her full energy on her wish to fly. It seemed that her mind was her wing. Though it was difficult to focus when it was freezing cold. Giyan knew she was becoming slower. Arthaniel did not seem to have any problems, but she was getting tired. Her brother noticed her struggles. He flew higher, hoping to spot something. Maybe the end of the cold desert or a place to land. When he saw nothing he flew higher, and higher, searching for something in the distance. And crushed into something.
»Can't you watch your steps?«, said a beaked, angry looking fellow as Arthaniel went down from him. They crushed to the ground together, but luckily the snow was soft enough so nobody was hurt. »You cannot just fly around like a dumbo, you dumbo!« It was not the worst that Arthaniel did not understand a word. When Giyan caught up with them, the strange white dragon already rose. »What are you goslings doing in the Ice Fields, anyway? Don't you know it's dangerous to roam around this area?« Arthaniel and Giyan only gave him an anxious look. The Irion - that was the name of his species - noticed how they shivered from the cold. »You're lost, eh? And you don't understand a word I'm saying, right?« The dragons only stared at him with big eyes. This was the first time they met another living creature, and they did not know yet if they should be afraid or curious. »Well, then... I guess somebody has to take care that you don't freeze to death. I dunno why this always has to be me, but... anyway! Follow me, little ducklings.« The Irion got ready to lift into the air again, but the dragons were still standing there and staring. »Oh, come on«, he said and gave them a gentle push. »Let's go somewhere safe.«
Still under construction...
I love writing, but since English is not my first language, I am not sure if I should continue this. I've been reading a few novels in English lately, but this is not the language I feel most comfortable in and I am not sure if I am ready to write an English story myself.
If you find some words or phrases that are wrong or just awkward, please tell me!
And of course I'd love to know if you think it is worth to continue the story. I know there isn't much yet since this is just a prologue, but maybe you can tell by my style of writing or the atmosphere. So far I can tell you that the character's story will be linked to the background stories of my pets and my pet's stories will also be linked together, so everything will end up as one big story. (Let's see how often we can put the word "story" in one post :-P )
I'm looking forward to every comment! Greetings, Kassy
wow. that was pretty good. i'm a little confused on the species of the characters because the first story suggests she's human but the second says she's dragon... yeah... otherwise great story i see no grammatical or phrasing errors.
Hellooo, and thank you for your comment, my (so far) first and only reader! :)
I see why you are confused. The thing is, you are right: The first part is about a human, the second about dragons. The human is my Subeta Avatar, telling the story about Giyan the Paralix and Arthaniel the Rreign. That's why I put the first part on my profile and the second on Giyan's homepage. A third part will go to Arthaniel's homepage. (Spoiler, but no surprise:) They will all meet later in the story, so I hope it will become clear in the future, when the story is complete and the layouts are finished.
So I better continue writing :P Thank you again!
Plot question: Can’t dragons fly? How did Arthaniel fall, presumably, to his death (or at least serious injury), if he could escape it through flight?
I think both stories are good and have potential, but your first is stronger by far. I think the disconnect with the second story is due to the differences between the content and the tone. Throughout, the second story has a more immature tone. Things are perhaps a bit too over-explained and either need less or significantly more detail (as to help streamline your story and make everything included relevant on some level). While this story is about young dragons, and thus the younger tone may seem appropriate, it is still being narrated by the voice from the first story (unless I am wrong on this). Likewise, the solemn content of the story suggests a more serious or neutral tone is needed.
Let me know if you have any more questions, as I’d be happy to elaborate further or give a more detailed critique. I think you are off to a great start, and both stories are definitely worth continuing!
Also, just out of curiosity, what language do you speak? I'm trying to become more fluent in Spanish, so I definitely know the struggle of writing outside of your native tongue.
Thank you so much for your advice. I know how time consuming a detailed review is, but to improve my skills this is what I need. I'm afraid I can't help you with your Spanish, but you can ask me if you ever need some advice in German. ;-)
I tried to follow all your suggestions and changed a few parts, especially the beginning. And I removed some irrelevant detail. Sometimes everything makes sense in your head, but then... I also continued writing, so I hope your plot question is answered.
You are absolutely right about the story's tone. I'm not happy with that either. It is hard to find a balance between a serious tone and crating an interesting story. Why should anyone care about the dragons when everything is told emotionless? Maybe it wasn't a good idea in the beginning to let two people meet, and after a few minutes one of them says "hey, let me tell you the story of my life. and the life of two dragons, because our stories are connected. maybe I should start with Adam and Eve ..."