So, just finished/have a story for one of your pets that you want an opinion on? State the pet who's story you want read, and the person below you will read that pet's story and give their opinion and maybe some feedback. (:

You may want to claim the above user, as it may take some time to read some stories, and someone else could post during that time!

For me: I just finished my pet, Anguished's story and would like some opinions/feedback! :)

oh this is a neat idea~

for the person after me, you can read either miljenko's or rizon's story, whichever one sparks your interest haha.

i really like how anguished's story flows, almost reminds me of a fairytale of sorts. also by the end of it i felt genuinely sad for ander, which is great heh. though, shouldn't it be "inhabitants of the community" instead of habitants? o:

Oh neato! Claiming , will edit when I'm done.

I've got a bit of rough prose up for Aariston, Uz, and Jamarcus, take your pick.

[edit] I read Miljenko's story (and skimmed Rizon's, also very nice) Wow neat, I loved this. I picked Seagulls because I just re-read Jonhathan Livingston Seagull the other day. This story was really well-written and pretty, it had a really nice calmness to it, and it felt very much like a snapshot of this character, a picture taken of him, his surroundings, and the world around him. I was going to say "not trying to tell us a large event in his life" but I think maybe he's the type that these seagulls are a large event? And instead what I mean is, this character and your way of writing his story give the impression that his big life events aren't full of action (in the genre or the sense of literal movement). I like that a lot, it's a pleasant read. I like how you spent time describing his perspective and general state of mind. It is tough to give a perspective of someone else without coming off as judgmental, either of the character or the reader (or maybe that's my own biased perspective haha) but Miljenko's story was nicely neutral and that made it interesting. I guess if you want some feedback, I'd find more ways to describe the dogs and the librarian's eyes besides "hollow". That word itself feels a little... cliche? It certainly can vary depending on the person using it, and Miljenko has such a unique perspective that I'd like to know what hollow means to him, what that lack of metaphor can feel like to him, what kind of poetic way he can describe a lack of poetry in those things. I almost said "you could have him write a poem about their lack of metaphor" but I really like that he doesn't share one with us, it seems in character, so maybe not. I hope this all makes sense though! Thanks for the lovely stories. Keep up the good work. (I nominated Miljenko for the spotlight.)

claiming , will edit in a moment!

[edit] i decided to pick jamarcus because unicorns (related but not really relevant: i bought this tshirt recently hehe).

• i think that describing both the library of poetry and music as "classic and contemporary" is too repetitive--maybe that's what you were going for, but i think it'd be more interesting if you switched up adjectives between the two lines.
• in the third section, you're missing a period after forgiveness (i think).
• imo it would be interesting to hear about why jamarcus likes drawing ungulates in particular; is there a backstory here? he mentions that he's interested in drawing unicorns and that he can keep a herd of different animals nearby to draw instead as well, but it makes me wonder why he doesn't simply draw other things, since keeping a herd of animals seems like a bit of work.
• OMG i love the kanye line hahaha, although i think the few sentences in that area are a bit confusing.
• i'm not sure if sprightly is the best adjective to use to describe the butterflies' laughter? i think lively might be a better word to use b/c i associate sprightly mostly with the way how organisms walk
• "I've pack two weeks of provisions" -> should be packed instead of pack
• wouldn't cats in his garden potentially attempt to catch the butterflies?

overall, i really like him! adorable concept for a character and i can't wait to see him fleshed out more. :)

to the person below: i don't have many finished pet stories atm, unfortunately, but i would like another set of eyes/feedback on Rainbow's story, esp. considering how i wrote it a few years ago when i was 16 loooooool and idk if i trust adolescent me

I like rainbows story I just finished the draft on discard. it is still kind of choppy and any critiques would help. including typos i missed

I'm going to read Discard's story and make some comments. :)

For the next poster: I would really like some feedback on Hesper's story. It is still a work in progress, but I am somewhat stuck at the moment and am trying to decide what direction to take it. Any feedback is welcome. Please let me know if something could use more explanation or whatever really. I'd love to get this story done before I get back to school. :)

Something I noticed right off the bat:

Is there a reason random words are capitalized throughout? I'm just wondering. For instance, "He" is capitalized in the first sentence but not later in the story. Just wondering if that is intentional.

There are also a few confusing sentences. This for instance: " Instead a fantasy of one child to the next's own choosing."

A bit awkward, it took me awhile to understand what you were getting at. What exactly is this "fantasy" and why is it important? Just some things that were a bit confusing.

" Sometimes times he was a hero, Others he as a vicious wolf, other times he was the Poppa to a host of other toys the child had gathered around him, or her. Each one was gentle with him taking great care Not to rip him or Tear his fabric."

A rather long sentence that was a bit hard to keep up with. Also, this is where I also noted a lot of random capitalization.

Other than that, it's a sweet story. I'd like to see his character developed a little more. As of now, it's a bit generic as far as toy characters go. I think that you could really make him come to life!

Claim...

Also, to the person below: Negligence is my only pet with a complete story... :c

[edit]

I like it. c: It was well written and thought out! However, maybe I missed something, but what was the significance of the storm? I mean, I know it's important, but I don't really know why... But with that little note aside, good job!

Claiming. I will return with my thoughts shortly.

[Edit] In the third paragraph, a simple comma between "chapped" and "swollen" would improve the opening sentence.

In the following paragraph, the second "as" in the fourth line could be changed to an "and" instead for variety purposes.

Farther down, a line is a bit awkward. "She limped a few feet away from his..." Is that last part meant to say "away from him?"

Lastly, I have two little notes for the last paragraph. "--But she didn't heed a single precaution." And the final sentence could use a comma between "punching bag" and "his".

Other than these few notes, I thoroughly enjoyed this story. Samantha is very strong. I know she will survive out there.

And for the user below, links to either CrystalLuna or Silariala can be found in my signature. Warning: Sila has a rather extended storyline and is still undergoing minor tweaking.

I chose to read the poem on CrystalLuna's page. It is very beautiful and creatively done, using subeta species! I loved it! :)

There were 2 lines I noticed could be edited to have slightly better cadence;

1. For the line "Luna grants each of them insight.", you may consider changing it to "Luna grants them each insight." to make it flow better.
2. For the line "And prosper while Luna is high.", you mauy consider adding a comma after prosper, and changing 'while' to 'whilst'.

^These are only suggestions though, and her poem is great on it's own, too. :)

For below user, please do Crush's story. It's not too long, and it is meant to be a lighter, more comedic read than the majority of my pets. :)

Oh this sounds like a great idea! Claiming! I will return with feedback soon.

As for the person below, you can either check out Zak's story, which I just finished writing today. Or you can read Chelsea's story. Whichever strikes out to you! I hope they're not too long to read D:

[edit] I'm usually the person who nitpicks essays whenever I have to peer review in college, but honestly I didn't see much to point out. Here are my suggestions.

1.Now I have to worry about these assholes coming into my river, and trying to drive me out of it! This sentence seems a little awkward to me? How about maybe, "Now I have to worry about these assholes trying to drive me out of my river!"

2.but I smacked him back with with my tail to let him know I wasn't fucking around You accidentally said "with" twice. :P

That's about all I see that I noticed! I'm not a person who cusses really, but I think it totally fit Crush's personality lol. And also, hello fellow Mass Effect fan. I see a Reaper in your signature.

Thank and yes not sure why I do the random caps. it is a strange annoying habit of mine. thank you for the input I did it kind of a hurried rough draft just to get the general ideas down, grammar is not one of my strong points at all unfortunately

I'm so sorry that I probably can't be much of a help in case of spelling or other things. But I can say I totally enjoyed reading Zak's story. The overall concept of an imaginary friend being forgotten and this causing him to turn into a nightmare for the person who "broke too many promises" is just awesome.

I also don't think the story is too long, and this comes from someone who often thinks tl;dr when looking at some stories and then clicking the back button again. I'm often way too lazy. But your story didn't feel so long, maybe because it was written in a style I can understand easily and the plot is interesting in my opinion. (:

Again sorry that I can't give proper spelling and tense feedback, I'm not good at this (not a native speaker xD).

Person below, I've just finished Coleridge, Dombrowski, Ganesha and Hering, if I could get some feedback on any of them that would be nice. (:

Like if I should write a few sentences more about something or whatever. Not thinking about Spotlight with them, I just want to make their stories as good as possible because I love my Pets. :')

Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much for talking the time to look over my little one and being so gentle with your recommendations. It took a lot for me to finally post in this thread as I am incredibly intimidated by criticism. You've given me a new sense of confident with my work as a writer.

Claiming!

I chose to read Ganesha's story as the name struck me first.

My first suggestion would be to adjust the flow of this sentence found in the initial paragraph: "Constantly nagging and bitching about everyone and everything, short-tempered and curious to an extent that he even knows what their neighbors are eating for lunch he is the typical "neighborhood tyrant", the reason for spoiled pool parties of teenagers and adults alike, pestering everyone with his presence." This should be separated into two sentences at the word "lunch" for purposes of smoothing out the paragraph.

Additionally, the sentence: "Moments like these are very rare and no one would ever try to understand how these random acts of mercy emerge in him, in fact he probably will never understand these mind changes himself, but most likely he's just a misunderstood man who likes his own privacy." Could be altered to form two sentences. The first should end after "emerge in him" and the subsequent should have a comma placed after "in fact".

My only last suggestion would be to "tell" your audience about your story rather than "show" them, if that makes sense. Describe the neighborhood and his behavior with short scenes or dialogue sequences rather than simply "tell" readers how the character reacts and where he resides.

Other than these few concepts, I found your story to be unique and appealing.

..~

For the individual below, my remaining story belongs to Silariala and is a rather extensive dedication. Every other pet of mine does have a full description, but due to a lack of proper coding and appearance on their profiles, I have yet to post my other several storylines. If you are not interested in Silariala, whose link is available in my signature, I can find a way to send you another of my little ones' descriptions for critiquing. Mind you, Sila's story was one of my first and is still receiving tweaking from me. I seek a pair of fresh eyes for her as I fear I may be acting too harshly on my work.

Claiming! Will edit with thoughts soon. :D

Edit: I chose to read Kiln's story and it really delighted me! It was enchanting and descriptive without overdoing either. Plus I love the idea of a cute robotic dog doubling not only as a worker and pet, but as an oven. :P Very charming!

I appreciate the compliments, though Kiln has already placed in Spotlight and no longer requires editing. Do you possess a certain pet's description you desire critiquing on?

Ah! I'm sorry OTL I must've missed that when I first read over the idea of this thread. I'll take a look at another of your pet's stories in that case. (and edit this post with my thoughts, of course)

Edit: I'm realizing this thread was more for critiques and not just "read and enjoy", and I'm awful at giving crits, in all honesty;; However, I read CrystalLynn's poem and really liked it. I did notice some of the pacing seemed a bit off to me? Might not be the right word. For example:

Between the beds, Crystal would lie until one flower caught her eye.

I think the last part runs together a little too much, and might work better like this:

Between the beds, Crystal would lie; until one flower caught her eye. Or: Between the beds, Crystal would lie. Until one flower caught her eye.

Other than that, I thought it was lovely, and a little haunting (in a good way.) :)

I just finished Malidus' story last night, if you'd like to give reading that a shot!

Ah, yes. You have reminded be of that separation flaw. I've been meaning to space Crystal's poem for a period of time and continually forget to complete the task.

I will return with my thoughts on Malidus' story momentarily.

[Edit]

First off, the sentences "It's because of him that I became such a daydreamer; an optimist, with a heart and mind full of hope. And also that I studied and practiced swordsmanship from a young age." could be blended together to flow better. This is what came to mind: "It's because of him that I became such a daydreamer, an optimist with a heart and mind full of hope, and a practiced swordsman at a young age."

Directly after this section, the line "My mother, however... she didn't see worth in such "frivolous" and "violent" practices" felt a touch off. I would recommend separating this sentence into two sections. Perhaps something along the lines of "My mother, however, thought poorly of my studies. She didn't see worth in such 'frivolous' and 'violent' practices."

Further along, the line "She left us... leaving us with very little income" would fare better with a comma rather than an ellipse.

Lastly, the sentence "'Perhaps this'll help you then, not-yet-a-swordsman.' he smiled, then gracefully leapt back into his cart and settled back down, moving on towards the next house" should utilize a comma after "swordsman" or a capitalization of "he".

Other than these few minor notes, I found this description to be very enjoyable. My only other thoughts would be to reduce the amount of ellipses used, overall, to better improve the story.

..~

As for the user below, I suppose, as I have yet to post a majority of my little ones' stories due to lack of proper coding, that I could request advice on the current appearance of a few pets of mine. Moonmist, for example, has the largest TC out of my pets, and I could use feedback on its appeal alone. Her link can be found in my signature. Additionally, both CrystalLynn and CrystalGem, who can be found in my signature as well, have stories posted. Their descriptions are available for viewing and critiquing, though are less appealing without coding and may prove to be tedious to read. I can find a way to send the storyline of any of the pets found in my signature if someone would truly care to critique an un-posted description for a pet of mine that strikes them. I suppose these option are all that I can conceive of. My apologies.