Replies

Jul 31, 2015 10 years ago
Xemnas
is sweet
User Avatar

So I've been writing a fantasy anime esque story and I was wondering if its an ok prologue. Affinity Wars. I've not gotten to continuing but I got a good few scenes to make just need the time mentally to do it.

[IMG]http://i.imgur.com/fro8laQ.png[/IMG]

Sep 29, 2015 10 years ago
superiorjello
is INCONCEIVABLE
User Avatar

A good start! This is pretty much what a first pass looks like for everyone- so don't worry! What you want to do next is to flush things out, and make it more organic. An example:

A man in a dark cloak stood balanced on a telephone pole, a card held in his right hand- mostly hidden by a dark glove emblazoned with a skull. His spiky black hair had drifted once more into his face, and he flicked it out of the way as he smirked. His face was sharp- all angles- though he seemed to be only 15 or thereabouts. “So.. Have they awakened?” He seemed to be talking to no one in particular, but a voice answered him nonetheless. “I can sense only three.” It said. “Three? You and I both know there are more of the damned things than that.” The boy said, annoyance clear in his tone. “Forgive me, I simply meant I sense three. As in only three are within the area of my perception. Whether or not more have awakened is unclear.” The voice seemed worried that it's lack of clarity- if not hastily corrected- would lead to dire punishments from the boy.

Think about the flow of the scene, tonal words that increase reader's perception, and the rhythm of your sentences. Mixing long and short sentences helps break up the text into more pleasant chunks of reading, and using commas and dashes helps set the pace you want readers to reach parts of the sentence. Some of the dialogue I edited to make it more interesting, but that's a stylistic choice of my own that you can free to ignore. (And by interesting, I mean it seems like a different type of person speaking, different nuances in word choice that indicate different life experiences and backgrounds that the characters have. It's not a problem with your speech pattern, per se.) Anywho, overall, just feel free to explore describing things! Add flavor words, make the readers able to smell, taste, feel, see, EXACTLY what you want them to. Remember, in a writing format like this, you can't simply say "she drew a line" and be done with it. You have to describe that line, like "The thin black ink flowed swiftly from the brush, creating a smooth edge that danced across the paper it was painted on." Make the experience VISCERAL!

Other than that, the characters are intriguing, as well as the story. The story world needs fleshing out, but that'll come with more of the story, and the general feel of the thing is already there, and that's the most important part.

But that's just my two cents. :3

[tot=superiorjello]

Please log in to reply to this topic.