I'm happily engaged to the most amazing man ever. So, I thought I would never have any feelings for an ex ever again.. Well, my heart says otherwise.

These feelings aren't strong, but they annoy me so much. I don't want to see the ex. I don't want to hug him or go further than that. I just don't. He was manipulative, emotionally, and semi sexually abusive. Why would I go back to that?

I had a chance to go to a student film shoot as an extra last week. He ended up being the extras coordinator. At first, I hated that he was. But then, I got excited. It was like I could finally see him again and get some answers as to why the relationship failed. But, I ended up having to work that day, so I couldn't go. I'm mainly relieved I didn't have to deal with him, but a tiny part of me is disappointed.

I broke up with him 9 months ago. I've grown so much since leaving him. But, I'm very prone to staying in abusive environments due to being abused as a child. Why does a tiny part of the heart want to go back? Why can't it listen to my brain? Does him being my first boyfriend count for anything?

There's no possibility of me going back to my ex. It's just these thoughts are driving me crazy. I've already talked to my fiance about them, and he's super helpful and supportive. But, I guess I need to hear experiences from more people to help convince me I'm not a terrible person for having these thoughts.

Recently I have been considering what I would say to my ex if I saw him again - an unlikely possibility as he lives overseas. It's been on my mind quite a bit and I've been trying to decide why. I think it is because our relationship ended quite suddenly (I found out he was lying, dumped him and met my current bf soon after), and I think I'm seeking some closure. Perhaps you are also seeking closure? You definitely are not a terrible person for having curiosity :)

- Yeah, I can understand not having any closure is playing a big part in all of this. But, he's the type that will blame everything on me and won't admit his faults.

I broke up with him via email, because my phone bill wasn't paid for and he wasn't reading my emails fully. I told him I wanted to speak with him in person, but I couldn't wait any longer. I was starting to see someone else, and I didn't want to be with two guys at the same time.

The emails dissolved into arguments where he only said negative things about me. I wanted to meet up one more time for him to return some things to me, but he never showed up. So, I gave up.

Having unanswered questions is frustrating, but something we should both know we'll never get.

I've had this exact conversation with my sister. She was married for about four years to a man who became increasingly abusive and it all culminated in him sexually assaulting her and her taking the matter to court. She knows he was toxic and, frankly, awful and she can't stand the thought of him, but there are still times that she misses him.

It's perfectly human to feel this way. Sometimes it's because you wonder what went wrong or what could have been, were things better or handled differently. Sometimes you remember and pine for the good factors that were always there and aren't present in your current relationship. And you always have to remember that you DID love this person enough to be with them long-term at some point and that might not ever go away fully. You don't even have to still be in love to look back and miss the good days with a bad ex.

If you found yourself thinking of going back to him or cheating, that might be a point where problems would arise. Otherwise, just accept this is part of going through relationships past and present and know that you're not weird or sick for it. Just make sure it always stays in perspective. :]

- This does help a lot that I'm not the only one. I am glad your sister got out of that relationship.

Yeah, I was definitely in the relationship for the long haul. I was planning to move with him to California after he finished school. I was willing to do anything to be with him. He's the first person I've loved unconditionally, so I can see why this is so hard for me.

I do think about the good times we had when I think about him. It hurts, because things were so good when he was being nice. But, he had problems he didn't want to admit to having and was always so secretive about everything. Remembering these things reminds me of why I left in the first place and reminding myself my current relationship is better in every possible way makes me feel better.

Thank you for reminding me these are typical thoughts. I'm starting to be able to convince myself these aren't terrible thoughts, because they're in no way leading to me to cheat on my fiance. But, I still feel incredibly guilty when I have such thoughts.

You broke up with your ex only 9 months ago, and you are already engaged to someone else? That... doesn't seem healthy.

Anyway, having weird/confusing feeling for an ex is totally natural, especially when things go unanswered. My previous ex was really mentally and sexually abusive. I should hate him for manipulating me, I should hate him for raping me, and sometimes I do, but usually I don't. Sometimes I want him to be miserable forever for everything he put me through. But now, 4 years later, I can see how much better off I'm doing than he is. I just got my BA, and hes still working menial jobs. I have a wonderful boyfriend of 3 years who just graduated the police academy. My ex, after 4 years, finally has a new girlfriend. I hope he's good to her. I hope she's good to him. I always ask myself why did I put up with him for 2 years? Why was he so abusive? What should I have done differently? (answer: everything). You can't change the past. You can't change the decisions you made. Or he made. You kind of just have to... internally decide why these questions are so important to you. I think once you can identify exactly why you feel these things, it's easier to except them and move on from them.

The mind and the heart are VERY tricky, Because I have been having a similiar situation tugging at me for the past year. I have an amazing guy who treats me well while I still crave the other man I met online who I really shouldnt belong with.

Its really natural to feel this way, the only thing that can cure it is time. I am still waiting for my feelings to go away. Its getting easier since we dont talk anymore, but its still in the back of my mind.

As long as you dont reach out to him anymore, I think time will cure you. And hopefully me xD Good luck! ^^

- Oh trust me... I'm much healthier than I was a year ago. At least I'm not being crazy and hooking up with guys just for the sake of having company.

I do have the tendency to move really fast with everything, which I can see why others would see as alarming. I've learned how to cope and recover quickly from painful people... it's been a necessary part of my life. The good thing is my fiance also has been moving fast along with me. And, I didn't choose when I met him and to fall in love with him. It just happened.

As for my ex, I used to want bad things to happen to him, like flunking school. I laughed when I thought how alone he always was. He made the decision to treat me horribly, and I felt like that was his punishment. But, even that is a waste of time and thought. I don't want to care about him at all. That's why the thoughts about him bother me. I don't care, but my heart wants to still care a tiny bit.

I'm a curious person and I hate being lied to. Having unanswered questions creates an insatiable itch in my mind. But, I'm learning little by little to not let the thoughts bother me. I'm okay the majority of the time.

Oh gosh, your ex sounds like a real winner... I really do hope he has changed for the better so his new gf doesn't have to suffer.

- Time is definitely working. I haven't been in contact with him since last December, when he was probably trying to make up or hook up. I invited him to contact me whenever, but he hasn't taken up that offer. I'm glad now, because talking about him and realizing what he did to me has made me realize I want absolutely nothing to do with him. I could contact him via email or go to school, but I refuse to let myself do so.

Yeah, I really hope you stay strong also and don't reach out to your ex. Good luck to us! :3