So, I have to write this story for a class and I really don't know if its good enough. I feel like when I'm getting feedback from the person I'm working with, it almost feels as if they're telling me its good because we're talking face to face. So...would anyone want to read it and give some criticism/feedback/or suggestions?

plot idea

Basically the idea for the story is that this girl is thrown into the world of the collectors. The Collectors are a very select group of time-travels, who go to alternative universes and collect stories that take place. After retrieving the dreams, they come back to our world, where they tap into to the minds of writers, leaving the stories they've collected for the writers...to well write. Along the way they have to keep monsters from invading the dreams of the writers.

[spoiler=chapter 1 "Of Monsters and Men"]The Collectors Chapter One “Of Monster and Man” Rain pattered off the windows of the old building and flashes of lightning lit up the sky. It was another day filled with thunderstorms, meaning there would be no brave souls venturing out in this weather, especially not to the library. Unless, if they were utterly desperate for something to read. A young woman pushed a cart stacked with books, through the many rows, putting them back into their rightful spots. Sighing, she pulled a few off the shelf that didn’t belong in that section and placed them on the cart. It truly did annoy her when no one ever bothered to put the blasted things back from where they got them.

She was about to go to another section when she heard the shrill voice of her coworker calling her name “Ruth? Ruth, where are you?"

Ruth stood there debating if she should respond. Lillian probably had another story to tell Ruth. Knowing her, it would probably be about how she saw her ex with a new girlfriend. Yes, Ruth was bored but not bored enough for an hour long rant.

“Ruth! Come on, I know you can hear me.” Lillian shouted again.

Letting out a heavy sigh, she caved in. “I’m in the Sci-fi section, Lillian.” She called back.

A few seconds later, Lillian appeared around the corner. She had a very frustrated look on her face and was waving a book around. “I seriously can’t believe this.” She muttered “I ran around this whole library and I can’t find out where this belongs.” She marched over to Ruth and handed her it.

Observing the book, she saw it that it was pretty worn; she was surprised that it hasn’t fallen apart yet. Though, despite how aged it look, the binding was perfectly intact and none of the pages had fallen out yet. However, the fact that there was no title on the cover and the name of the author was nowhere to be seen, bugged her.

“Did you check the computer system?” she asked.

She nodded her head “I tried, but if you haven’t noticed, there’s nothing on it.” She gestured towards the cover. Ruth couldn’t help but smirk as Lillian turned her nose up at the book. “And before you ask me if I looked inside and yes I did”

“I wasn’t going to ask that” Ruth interrupted. Lillian just flashed Ruth an Oh, really look “Okay, maybe I was. So, it has no info on who published it, wrote it, or anything like that?”

Lillian grabbed the book from Ruth and flipped through the first few pages “See, nothing, there’s nothing at all. And I even tried googling the first few sentences of this damn thing. Guess what? There’s no information at all.” She threw her hands up in the air to show her annoyance. “And I know that we have thousands of books here, but I don’t think I’ve ever come across this book before.”

Ruth shrugged her shoulders, taking the book away from Lillian. She had a feeling that if her friend had to deal with this book for any longer, it might be sent flying across the room. “Where’d you get it from?” she asked. She just sort of realized that maybe if she asked that question in the first place, it would make things a lot easier for them.

“It was lying on the ground in the history section on the third floor.” She paused before adding “Though, it should be in the fiction section. It really is an odd one.”

The last part caused Ruth to chuckle “Most of ones you read are odd” she pointed out. “You did check the top shelves, right?” she asked as they headed towards the stairs.

Lillian’s green eyes narrowed “Yeah, very funny. Sorry but not all of us are as tall as a giraffe” She grumbled. That just caused Ruth to laugh, it wasn’t her fault that Lillian was 5’3 and Ruth was 5’9. “I used the ladder and everything was in place.”

Ruth sighed and flipped through the pages of the book. Her blue eyes widen when she saw the nightmarish drawings in them. There was one of a creature with jagged teeth with skin that looked like it was about to fall off. She couldn’t tell if it had eyes or not because its hands were covering them. However, Ruth shuttered when she realized why its hands were there. The creature’s eyes were actually embedded in its hands. Each hand had a pair of eyes and they were a dark voids.

“Okay, yeah this is more like a horror story.” She turned to a page that didn’t have any monsters on it and just rolled her eyes when she read the first line. “Listen to this, When traveling to the other dimensions, make sure your clothing blends in and always, I repeat always make sure the portal has successfully closed behind you. We don’t need a repeat of Bram Stoker’s Dracula getting into the Library.” She said in disbelief. “Whoever wrote this had to be on something. And I hardly believe that blending in is the least of their worries if they have to deal with the monsters in this thing.”

“I told you it was strange.” Lillian grumbled as they made it to the third floor. They both glanced over at the window and noticed that the storm was raging on. “I really don’t like this weather.” She was about to say when a bolt of lightning illuminated the sky, followed by the sound of thunder. They jumped, but for completely different reasons.

Lillian was utterly terrified of storms and quickly latched onto her friend. While Ruth grabbed onto Lillian because she swore she saw a figure looming in the shadows near the window. She was about to point in out to Lillian, when another bolt of lightning lit up the room, revealing that there was nothing there. Her mind was just playing tricks on her and she had a feeling it was all because of that crudely drawn monster.

“Let’s just get this over with.” Lillian regained her composure and the two continued to the aisle where the book was found. They searched through the rows and checked to make sure it couldn’t have fallen from the top shelf. Though, the whole time Ruth found herself glancing into the shadows of the library, almost as if she expected to find something there.

They kept on searching but their search was interrupted by the sound of Lillian’s phone. Ruth started laughing when she heard the ring tone “Really, you have “What is Love” as your ringtone.” She teased Lillian.

Lillian just ignored her and answered the phone. It was a guy named David, who was Lillian’s recent crush. Ruth skimmed through the shelves and double checked to see if they missed something. She couldn’t help but ease drop on the conversation as she pretended to be busy.

“Oh, everything is pretty boring here.” Lillian tried to sound very casual. “Really?” she asked sounding really surprised. Well, being casual didn’t last for long. Ruth glanced over at Lillian and she could see the corners of her lips turning up into a smile. At least it’s going good….Whatever it is. Ruth thought as she returned her attention to the bookcase. From what Ruth gathered from the rest of the conversation, it sounded as if Lillian had just gotten a date. Hopefully, it would help her get over her last mistake. Maybe this guy would actually be nice. If not, he would have Ruth to deal with.

“Alright, I’ll see you then!” Lillian was grinning when she was done and there was a sparkle in her eyes. “Oh god, David just asked me out. And he wants to go out to dinner at seven. Quick, what time is it?” Before Ruth could say anything, Lillian’s small hand grasped Ruth’s wrist and she yanked it up to look at the watch Ruth wore. “Crap, it’s almost five. What am I going to do with my hair? I’m not going to have time to curl it or do anything special to it.”

Ruth just rolled her eyes “Really Lillian, your hair is fine.” She paused before adding. “Oh, can I have my wrist back?” Right as she said that Lillian let go of her wrist.

“Says the one with wavy red hair, I’d kill to have hair like yours.” Lillian sighed and played with a few strands of her chocolate colored hair. “What am I going to do with this mess?” she paused when an idea popped into her mind. “Would you mind if I take off now? I think I can convince my roommate to get me in at the salon.”

Ruth really didn’t want to be left alone. Yes, she loved the library and all but being there alone was kind of freaky. Though, Ruth just nodded her head “Yeah go ahead, have some fun.” She didn’t want to ruin Lillian’s excitement. “And just don’t get into trouble…I don’t want to bail you out of jail.” She joked.

Lillian hugged her “Awesome, thanks so much. Don’t worry, you won’t get any calls at three in the morning.” She replied. They headed back downstairs and towards the front of the library. Though, both of them stopped when they saw a man standing at the front desk.

“Oh god, I hope he hasn’t been standing there too long.” Ruth was the first to say something.

Lillian nodded her head in agreement. “Yeah, I hope not…at least he’s cute.” Ruth just gave her a funny look. “What? Yes, I’m aware that I have a date, but it doesn’t mean I can’t say whether or not I think a guy is attractive.” She let out a huff as she crossed her arms over her chest. However, a few seconds later a sly smile came across her face “Maybe you’ll get lucky.”

Ruth really wasn’t surprised that Lillian said that. She was always trying to play matchmaker when it came to others “Remind me why I’m friends with you?"

Lillian just shrugged her shoulders “I’m the only one who can stand you and vice versa.” She joked.

Ruth just smiled at her response. “Yeah, you should get going. I’ll take care of him and this.” She held up the mystery item.

“Later!” With that Lillian was on her way out but not before she called over to the man “My coworker will be with you in a second.” She told him.

The man looked up from the counter and meant Lillian’s gaze. “Oh, thank you.” He replied, flashing Lillian a smile.

For a second, Lillian stopped in her tracks but quickly regained her composure “Yeah, no problem.” She hurriedly said before walking out the door, leaving Ruth alone with the man.

Ruth watched the interaction between the two take place and for some reason, something felt off to her. It was mainly because Lillian never froze up when it comes to guys. Usually, it was the other way around.

Without even thinking about it, Ruth slipped the book behind her back and tucked it into the waistband of her pants. She pulled the back of her sweater and jacket over it, before heading towards the front desk.

“Hello.” She greeted the man.  

He turned around when he heard her voice. He appeared to be in his late twenties and was a good head taller than her. “Good evening, Miss.” He said flashing Ruth a smile.

She returned his smile but mentally noticed that it didn’t reach his eyes. “Sorry, to keep you waiting.” She told him as she stepped behind the counter, putting it in between them.

He let out a slight chuckle “Don’t worry about it.  With the weather being the way it is, I don’t mind waiting.” He assured her.  Even though the man was being friendly, it almost seemed to her like he was putting on an act. 

She nodded her head, but mentally noted that the man’s appearance betrayed what he said. His short black hair wasn’t disheveled and there was no discoloring on his light gray jacket.  Really, if he was outside, he’d probably be drenched “Yeah, it’s been pretty bad out there.” she agreed before asking “So, how may I help you.”

Again, he gave her another smile “Well…I’m looking for a book” 

Ruth found herself smirking “Well, you came to the right place. There’s approximately four hundred thousand nine hundred and two books here.” She realized that she sounded like a smartass and was getting ready to apologize but the guy laughed.

“Yeah, I sort of set myself up for that one.” He muttered rubbing the back of his neck.  “And wow, there’s really that many here?” he sounded slightly surprised by that.  

“Sorry about that, it’s been a long day” She apologized.  “Yep, there’s that many here. So which one are you looking for?” she asked moving over to the computer to type in her ID. 

He shrugged his shoulders “If you can go off descriptions, the book is older, bound in black leather. It’s surprisingly in pretty good shape for its age. There’s no engraving on the front or back cover. And if it had to be categorized into a genre, probably fantasy or horror.”

Ruth stopped typing when the guy was describing the book. Was he looking for the book they just found “Really, a horror book, sounds like a good choice.  What’s the book about?” she kept her gaze focused on the screen, not daring to make eye contact.

“You know typical horror with monsters, like the ones from the Grimm stories.” He said nonchalantly.

The image of the monster flashed through Ruth’s mind. “Yeah, pretty sure they didn’t write about monsters with eyes embedded in their hands.” She said more so to herself as she pulled the library’s homepage up on the computer.

However the man heard it “What was that?” he asked.

“Of course he’d hear that.” Ruth looked up from the computer “What do the creatures look like?” she lied, pretending to sound curious.

“Oh, they’re different to say the least. There’s one that walks on all fours, almost looks wolf like and has two heads. However, there’s poisonous spikes running up and down its spine. It also has glowing red eyes.” 

Ruth really didn’t want to hear that. “Perfect just perfect…there’s another creature to add to my nightmares”.  She tilted her head to the side “Wow, sounds like something that I wouldn’t want to run into. Are there any other strange ones in there?” She asked.

A smirk came across his lips “There’s one in there called the Ajax. It’s definitely one that 

shouldn’t be messed with. It sort of looks human, but its skin looks like its peeling off. It has teeth that are extremely jagged and are laced with venom that can paralyze its victims. Though, the most peculiar features is its eyes.” He paused for a moment, making eye contact with Ruth. “Its eyes are actually rooted into its hands. Due to that, its senses are impeccable”

She could feel her breath hitch as he perfectly describe the drawing “What’s it called again?” 

“It’s called the Ajax.  And it isn’t a creature you want to mess with, darling.” He examined the look on Ruth’s face and she knew her face betrayed her.  

He placed his hands on the counter and leaned forward. “I suggest you hand over the book, if you know what’s best for you.” His tone of voice was serious and when Ruth looked at him, she could tell he that he was done with his happy-go lucky act.

However she ignored his warning and had to ask “Why do you need it?” 

He gave her a look of disbelief “Really, you’re asking me why I need it. It’s my book.”

Ruth shook her head “No its not.  You would have known where it was then.”

He sighed in frustration, gritting his teeth as he muttered something under his breath, to Ruth it sounded like “I’m going to kill that careless brat.” He took a deep breath, almost as if to calm himself dow

Wow, I'd love to read more of this :o It's really good so far!

While reading it I noticed a few things that could make it better: Firstly is just editing stuff (basic spelling/grammar errors and a few places where the wording feels odd) so I'm sure you'll fix it before submitting it for your class. But it's especially noticeable in the second half.

Secondly is the pacing near the end would be more suitable if you shortened the sentences! You get the point across okay, but it would definitely strengthen the overall atmosphere! Continuing on this point, towards the end it feels like you're 'telling' too much rather than 'showing' it and this also causes it to be a little weak in terms of excitement so for example you could change "She could hear a scratching sound, almost like someone…or something was dragging their nails across the wood" to something along the lines of "She heard a hollow scratching of nails across wood" because as a reader we know it's most likely the Ajax so it's while you can still point out that it's not a human sound, it's not necessary.

And lastly is that with the imagery you've used it feels like it becomes sort of ambiguous? I don't really know how to explain it that well but I'll try. I felt like the setting wasn't quite believable because to me libraries are rarely deserted, even later in the day, even the stuffy old libraries, and especially when it's raining (people usually hide out in libraries during the rain). So that, plus the lightning/thunder storm and all the monster-y stuff made it feel like you were trying to describe a scene that was more like the middle of the night. So to fix that, maybe establish the type of library (eg. university, public, private, archival, etc.) and also emphasise the time of day? Because with establishing that it may also help with creating the context (for example if it were a university library it would give the story a academic vibe). This isn't quite so important if you're not going to focus on the library scene but even if you're not it would still be useful in building up Ruth's character (and Lillian's if she'll be a continuing character) because readers would be wondering how her job relates to her personality.

Definitely ask me to elaborate if I explained something badly! I think you set out the characters really well and the plot sounds really exciting!