Sad, scared, angry
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Trigger Warnings
I could lose my job. Because of my mental health they are questioning whether I should be working and are looking at ways of managing me out of the business. My new regional manager is the ex store manager that tried to make me leave last time. I have already lost HALF my hours and therefore HALF my money because the company are taking me down.
My doctor thinks my liver is starting to fail. I appear to have at least a 15% reduction in liver function. Now, 15% can be managed…if it is more than 20% then I may have to have surgery…more than 30% I may have to have a transplant. The tests 6 months ago showed a definite 12% reduction. The ones two weeks ago? Showed a possible 22% reduction. So I have to have MORE tests to find out if I have lost 10% function in 6 months.
I also have menorhagia and anaemia. My iron levels should be 125 parts per decilitre. Its less than 85. This means that my body is severely anaemic. Long term anaemic. Means that if I get a cut, it will bleed longer too. The menorhagia? Means that I have been on my period, in spite of having a coil fitted, since October.
Someone I considered one of my best friends has made me cry so much in the last 6 weeks since I attempted suicide that even now, with a medication that makes me numb to everything, I wish the attempt had worked. Every damn day I wake up wishing I had pills to take, wishing I hadn’t failed in the first place.
I have been referred to paychiatric help, starting tomorrow. Psychiatric help for Borderline Personality Disorder, Social Anxiety, Generalised Anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Depression and mild Dissociative State. I have to spend an hour and a half discussing my problems and hoping that I don’t walk out of there ready to jump under a train.
I have a case against my ex-boyfriend that has now gone to the CPS (Crown Prosecution Service) who have to decide if my 6 hours of testimony, his previous convictions and any evidence they have found on his phones are enough to take him to court and try him for spousal abuse, rape and numerous other charges.
This might sound fucking ridiculous but right now I'm a goddamn mess and I'm fucking up EVERYTHING. So if I message you AT ALL...I'm probably trying to be human and talk to someone to get over the dissociative state.
I'm a mess...I know...this is NOT about anyone. I swear it's not. This is about ME...trying to explain to MYSELF everything that is going on...
Hi. I don't know if I can help a lot, but I'm willing to listen to you. I have also a funky liver (nicknamed Hubert - maybe you should name yours too, who knows!) and I have borderline personality disorder and PTSD.
You are not a statistic, you are not a danger. You are not an error and all the people saying you're worthless can go fuck themselves on a fucking cactus.
- I grinned too much at Hubert...I almost called mine Bernard the other day...lol
Thank you. I somehow feel...maybe valid...thank you...
Bernard is really original ❤️
As for your manager, would it be possible for you to get a medical paper acknowledging your mental health? Not everyone has to live on disability, we are pretty active. If you do end up on disability, do the paperwork as soon as possible, so your slip won't end up behind (you'll end up in a stressful situation, we want to avoid them). However, if you are fit to work, I'd suggest to fill a complain because that's harassment and discrimination.
Moving onto the iron issue, I've had anemia and low B12 for a while now. Have you seen a gyno yet?
How do you feel about discussing with someone? Does it make you uncomfortable? (It is group therapy or solo? )
Also, I don't think you're fucking up. We are humans, we have emotions. We get angry, sad, depressed. It's human. If you do feel like you're on the verge of doing it, don't end you life. Really. I know it comes from a random stranger, like who the fuck am I to tell you to stay here? But really, stay. Call someone, cry, punch a wall but don't do it.
I cant deal with males ... unless they are gay, trans or on here because then they are neutral people. Ive taught myself to treat customers as neutral people so that i dont see male and instantly worry.
Even my boyfriend was neutral for a while...
Hello. I don't know how I can help but. Please feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to or if you need someone to listen. I know I'm a stranger but sometimes a stranger is better to talk to. Even if you just want to make small talk my inbox is open <3
I have depression. Sometimes I just need to take a deep breath and remember how beautiful it smells outside after it rains. It doesn't always feel like it, but life is worth living. I promise it gets better.
[flower=joy]
Thank you!
