Hey guys, I my USH class we have been going over the 1920's and I was drawn right in.

So I decided to write some loosely based historical flash fictions for my pets back stories based on the decade.

My pets:

Sufferage and Quire

I will be added another pet whose story will be in this era.

His story is coming soon!

Hi, I hope you don't mind if I give you a detailed critique. I always love to do so for stories I genuinely like, so take anything I say with a grain of salt. I will comment on stylistic things as well as story points, but at the end of the day, you are the writer and know the direction you want your story to take.

This critique is for the story on Suffrage's page.

To start, I admire your ability to take on a specific period of history and make a realistic character and setting of it. That is not an easy thing to do, especially when you have to be sure to keep facts in order.

Now for a few nit-picky critiques:

"Her bright blue eyes fluttered as she gave an inviting and breathtakingly beautiful smile as she leaned forward in her black and white sleeveless dress."

This sentence is rather wordy, especially for an opening. You want your first sentence to be immediate, fluid, and concise as possible. Try not to overburden your reader with too many descriptors right from the start; rather, show these characteristics gradually throughout the story. Doing so will lead to a much livelier character. Also try to avoid descriptions like "breathtakingly beautiful," at least so early in the story. You want to let the reader decide these things--again, a "show, don't tell" kind of thing.

Also, beware of run-on sentences. They can work in some cases for stylistic effect, but often they are more of a distraction than anything. Some examples from your story:

"He closed his eyes and puckered up, he had long awaited for this moment."

"An arm reached out to him, she touched his shoulder and began to rub it ever so slightly."

" He leaned into kiss her, this would be a moment to treasure and remember for the rest of his life."

In those sentences, the commas are not needed. Periods would be preferred, since you really have two complete sentences.

"Margret rolled her eyes and continued explaining her plans to gain women’s suffrage."

Perhaps this is very nit-picky of me, but I think that this one sentence is where many of my gripes with the story's execution lie. First off, the idea of women's suffrage seems to come out of nowhere; just moments ago Margaret was having an intensely passionate scene. There is nothing wrong with that, but I am sure there is a much smoother way to integrate her agenda into all of this. The way her plans are introduced feels forced, as though the writer is more set on making a point than telling a story. There is nothing better than a story born from a writer's passion on a subject. In order for the story to work, though, the characters have to be more than a pawn in the lesson; they need to be carefully and thoughtfully developed so that the reader can identify not only with their goals but also with them as people. Ultimately, your reader wants to read the story for its characters and their journey, not just for the writer's opinion. I apologize if that sounds harsh; that is not at all my intention. Again, it's a worthy theme to explore. Your character just needs to have some stake in this world for it to be convincing.

Some ideas to consider when developing Margaret as a character:

At the most basic level: what does she want? (in this case, I imagine it's women's suffrage, but it's always good to remind yourself of this so you don't stray from your main goal.) Why does she want this? Try to think beyond "women are human beings too/everyone is equal/so on." These are the "blanket goals" as I will call them; they apply to what a whole movement stands for, what is generally accepted as historically and morally accurate. When you consider what Margaret wants, you need to consider it from an individual's perspective, so that the reader can more readily empathize and know her. Chances are high that the reader will already be in favor of women's rights and understand why these rights are important and essential; what the reader wants to know is Margaret's role in the movement and what motivates her desire. Which brings me to another question worth asking:

What about Margaret's life (past or present) makes her passionate about the cause? Is her personality typical of someone who is thought to be a fighter for equal rights (think: assertive, eloquent in speech, sharp)? Or is she more withdrawn and self-reflective? Put your character into the situation and allow her to react as she would--an real person separate from the writer. What about her personality benefits her in reaching her goals? What about it hinders her?

Just some things to consider.

Of course you do have a paragraph describing her briefly (a force to be reckoned with, headstrong, etc.), but again, the paragraph describes mainly the goals themselves and some vague characteristics. Sure, she's headstrong, but how? Why? what makes her this way? Rather than merely telling the reader, portray her this way through her actions and speech. The fact she's quick to join in the protest is a good start; you show that, and with that simple description it becomes clearer what kind of person she is. But again, a character is much more than her moral compass. Morals themselves tend to have a whole lot of gray area. Again, what is motivating her personally?

The whole action scene came way too quickly and was honestly rather confusing. Who is Richard? What does the reader know about him other than that he is kind of a misogynistic asshole (as portrayed in that specific moment)? Why should Margaret be concerned specifically about this guy's actions? Again, a character's values are not necessarily black and white; a good writer will portray this through the characters. Consequently, the "bad guy" will be more than a "bad guy." He will have human qualities that make him, well, human, no matter how rotten he actually is.

I hope this is somewhat helpful to you. Best of luck!

Thanks for the input!

It was more than somewhat helpful. :P