I lie on my bed, strangling myself under the covers, tears streaming down my face like the Nile. I lie there, moaning quietly, distressed, listening to the autumn rainstorm outside. I have always liked this weather but today it only seems to add to my despair. Goosebumps appear over my trembling body. My mind is racing but at the same time I have this overwhelmingly numb feeling of dread. My heart has been pulled across a desert by barbed wire, leaving my mind submerged in a never ending nebulous sea of darkness. Every time I close my eyes her bright eyes appear. My eyebrows twist tightly together while my eyes tightly clamp shut in a failing effort to fight back tears. I lie there silently, confused and wondering helplessly what I had done wrong, imagining and remembering my love.

I remember myself lying on the grass with her on a day in autumn. I could feel the brisk chill of the air- an unexpected blast that opened your eyes and brought you to life. Of course, everything felt that way with Estelle. I imaged myself looking into her eyes. Always so vibrant, so bright. Eyes that perfectly resembled the gentlest settling of clouds just after a light rain upon the sea. Eyes that engulfed your whole being, inviting you, daring you to come inside, be welcome, swim in that mystical sea. And when you accepted that invitation, felt the comforting rush of the ocean besides you, a smile of silver sunlight parted that made every raindrop a glimmering diamond in the sky. It was a happiness that seemed to last eternity. A happiness that I would miss the most.

“Estelle,” I whisper raspy into my pillow, the sound clotted and grotesque. My linens which smelled of soap are now tear-stained and wrinkled. I run my hands through my hair, remembering the way she had done so, a touch softer than light and as gentle as the wind. I pull harder as I realize her loving touch is replaced with my rough anger and painful confusion. I feel more tension in my locked eyes, blotting out everything else only to be met with the image of those eyes again. I think of those eyes and the last day I had seen them. No, that wasn’t right. The eyes I remember from that day could not have been her eyes. How could a scene so warm and bright have become so cold? No, they couldn’t have been hers. Yet somehow they had been.

It was the first day of autumn, and I was getting ready to go to the park with Estelle. I grabbed my favorite yellow pea coat and swirling earrings which Estelle had gotten me some time before. I excitedly walked to the park, skipping along past trees and their collage of sunset colors and lively scent as I imagined Estelle. When I arrived, I saw her comfortably lying on the grass. I happily ran a few feet away from her before tumbling onto the soft earth to lie beside her.

“Hello, beautiful,” I smiled as I kissed her cheek. Her skin felt like a flower petal and she smelled like freshly picked strawberries. As she turned her head, my smile faded. I had never known before how much a look could make a person seem so different, so changed. It was an unsettling look I had never seen before. The shining smile I had yearned to see had been devoured by a storm in her eyes. The clouds that were usually settled after the storm were now dark with sharp lightning and ominous winds. Her eyes trapped me as they always had, but suffocated me in a deadly grip; they drowned me within the cold ocean that had suddenly become so dark. I had to force myself to look down and take a breath. Immediately, thoughts rushed into my mind, choking anything else inside, leaving a dreaded cloudy numb feeling. What’s wrong, what happened, where’s the sunlight, why are you so cold? I looked back at her face, unable to speak. She was looking down now, her light, soft hair hiding any emotion that might have shown through. I couldn’t tell which was worse: her beautiful eyes having gone dark or the absence of them. The numbness was growing, engulfing my mind and body. My neck felt light a snake was strangling it as scorching blood rushed to my face. A creeping sensation appeared as I imagined myself drowning in her eyes again, trapped in the rough ocean under a thick film of ice with a dark creature lurking beneath it; a foreign creature that could save you or strangle you in a moment. Suddenly light shone over the ice and melted it slightly as I felt my own cold, sweaty hands being taken by Estelle. I imaged a slight opportunity--no, she’s not leaving me--which Estelle taking my hand would prove. But there was no warmth in the sun and no ice was being thawed. The warmth I had wished to receive, the last hope of being saved by Estelle, was only met by cold hands as painstakingly numb as my own. For the last time in my life, Estelle looked at me. The look almost held a comforting emotion. Like she trying to convince me, and maybe even herself, that things would be alright. Yes, I told myself weakly, though the only real thought that remained was the helpless and confused emptiness of trying to understand how my Estelle could be leaving me.

Without looking at me, Estelle raised my hands to her lips and gently kissed them. “Goodbye,” she whispered. I imagined a tear rolling down her face but I couldn’t tell if it had really been there. Any vestige of love that remained vanished with her retreating hand. I wanted to respond, tried to force myself to say anything but couldn’t escape that dead-like state. As she walked away, I felt the life inside me leaving me. I felt like a crisp autumn leaf crushed by an icy storm.

I let myself escape the memory. It is still raining, but in a lighter, more comforting way. I remember Estelle for a last time, imagining her happiness again, remembering her love. I look at my hand, picturing her soft warm touch, her happy smiles, that last kiss. I slowly leave consciousness with this thought, entering a serene dream state. I feel myself slowly fading away on that deep ocean again, floating peacefully as the coldness thaws away and a comforting warmth welcomes me. I remember the warmth and pleasure the past has to offer, dreaming of and saying goodbye to Estelle, the girl I had fallen in love with.

“Goodbye,” I whisper for the last time.