So 7-8 months ago I broke up with a guy I'd been with for nearly 4 years. I broke up with him because of how unhappy I was overall. We had a rocky relationship the whole time. Super back and forth constantly, one day he would be fine with me the next wanting to leave me to "fuck around", one day telling me he thinks I'm so great and capable of things the next saying I'm a piece of shit and stupid and he wished I didn't exist. Anyway, at the time I always thought it was my fault and that I was a piece of shit. Since then I'm with a new guy, been telling my friends about things in our relationship that I never admitted to before, been in self defense class where we learn about things like abuse and whatever and I'm realizing that my ex was like... every part of verbal/emotional abuse, basically. Looking at the big picture I see how all the things he did were such put downs constantly, belittling my self esteem and making me feel like such trash and like everything was my fault... and I'm mad about it. He and I still talk, he apologized and said he felt terrible for things he did and I said I forgave him. And I did, because him apologizing I knew was a lot to him. But recently I got offended by something he and a friend said on fb, replied a little snarkily, and he texted me and blew up. First apologized, then goes on to say that I "looked stupid" for responding (after they responded to me with snarky ass comments), saying I was "airing out dirty laundry" and whatnot. And I just burst into tears because it was like right back to when we were dating and everything got twisted to make me feel like I was the problem. But I'm not. I stated my opinion and got 1st his friend replying snotty, then my ex making a joke of what I said. He ALWAYS did that, made jokes of things I said and then people laugh, and I feel stupid. People I'm close to in my life always try to downplay my emotions. My parents (I love them, but they do), and my ex... my new boyfriend is wonderful and is very uplifting and positive and never does things like this. But it's just hard for me to accept that so many people I've been with up until just 7 months ago so negatively impacted my self esteem and mental health and I didn't even realize it was them and not me.

Okay.. so I guess what I'm getting at is I don't know what to do. I am pent up angry about all of this. At my ex mostly... my parents it's not worth bringing up because they don't do it maliciously, they're just awkward. But I'm pent up mad. I read a page on types of verbal abuse and my ex had exhibited nearly all of them. I don't know what to do to get this anger out. I feel like, betrayed? Or like cheated? And I want to get something back..? Anyone have any ideas on what I can do? Exercises I can take to feel better? I guess I could go to therapy too, that's an option. Idk. Just any ideas (:

TL;DR - Looking back at past relationships and realizing that my ex was very verbal/emotional abusive and not sure how to deal with my intense angry and resentful feelings

Delete him from your social media and cut him out of your life, even if you eventually let him back in someday.

You don't owe anything to someone who abused you, regardless of prior relationship.

It's not abnormal to be upset. He mistreated you and generally sounds like an awful person.

Your new bf sounds great and they say the best revenge is living well. :)

I went through a very similar situation as you. Dated my ex for 3.5 years. He was actually the one to break up with me. But I kept most of what happened between us between us and never opened up to anyone else. Got a new boyfriend, and our one year anniversary is this coming Wednesday. Being with him, I realized how much verbal abuse I got from my ex. I mean, there was a good amount from the list that he didn't do, but what he did do put me through a rough time. And like you, I thought it was all my fault. I often blamed myself and did most of the apologizing.

However, I don't really talk to my ex anymore. has a good idea of deleting him, maybe even blocking him. Perhaps you need to further distance yourself to recover from it? I would say that maybe he'd catch the hint and understand that you truly are hurt from his verbal abuse, but at the same time, who knows? Talking to him may reopen old wounds. Perhaps unfriending, deleting, and/or blocking him could be some...payback (for the lack of a better word) for you?

When I feel down about it, I just try to tell myself that it is all in my past. Yea, it was a few years of my life, but I have learned from it and am in a much better position with a boyfriend that treats me like a princess compared to my ex. But this may only help so much.

This is all I've got at the moment. I'll let you know if I get any better ideas, though.

Yeah, that's what I think I'm slowly going to start doing. The problem is he and I didn't talk for a while, but then we slowly started to hang out and it was okay, then we finally got together months after and had a serious talk about stuff that happened between us and he was really upset with himself and said he felt so sorry and that it "kept him awake at night" thinking of things he did. And I forgave him... and since that made me feel better we hung out more and that's when I started to see he's still the same. So it's like... errf. Plus he and his friends and I are all working on a youtube channel together (he had this channel for forever and I used to help when we were dating, I love filming, and a lot of the people in it are my friends from hs too)... but that's where that one guy made an asshole comment to me ..... so I think I'm going to start by distancing myself from that group. Once I stop going to that and stop helping with videos then I can't imagine I'll see/talk to my ex much.

Thankyou for replying and sharing a bit of your experience too, it helps me a lot and makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone haha. Yeah, as I said in the above to Lilo it's kind of hard to just stop since we like went through having a serious talk and him apologizing and whatnot. But I think if I distance myself from the youtube group that we all participate in I think that's a good way to start to end conversation. And yeah, I try to think like that too. My new boyfriend is amazing, he knows about that stuff between me and my ex and he's really supportive and helpful and treats me like 100% better. I have better friends in my life too now. It's just hard to get past sometimes when things happen to remind me of it. Also I'm glad that you got out of that situation and found someone who treats you much better (:

I don't know if you're open to the idea at all, but I recently started getting counseling because my dad was/is very emotionally abusive, and it's honestly helped a lot. I've found that journaling and getting it all out on paper helps sometimes.

I think an important thing for you to know is that none of it is your fault. Victims often tend to blame themselves for it, when in reality, they usually couldn't change the circumstances. I'm usually always around if you need a place to talk.

I've had a similar situation on Facebook with my ex thinking I could still be friends with him and what not. And here's what I did to make me feel better. Told him off and blocked him and is no longer in my life. Men like that shouldn't be in your life to begin with. I thought my exes sorry was good but it was obviously not cause people like that don't even change. They say they do but obviously something in there is still in them which is annoying. Never speak to this person or his friends. It's really easy! Makes you feel a lot better and happier to cut idiots like that in your life ^-^

Thankyou! Yeah I've thought of counseling. I was going to counseling for a while the past few months for other issues, but it cold definitely benefit a lot to go again. My problem with counseling is whenever I touch on issues like these I just freak out and cry and/or don't say anything.

Yeah, I thought he had changed a little because he seemed like it, but at the same time that was when he felt bad and was sorry. He's really good at seeming sincere or maybe he really is, whatever, and then later going back on whatever he apologized for completely. You're right though, just need to cut him out. It's hard to do for sure.

It's important that you find a good counselor who will be patient and work through it with you. The first two or three times I saw mine, I cried pretty much the whole hour session, but he was really understanding and patient. it'll get easier to talk about/work through if you find someone you're comfortable with. good luck, hon.

That's why actions speak louder then words. But yeah cutting him out of your life is good to do. Plus seeing a counselor just in case is good as well. I saw one till I moved to Florida. So it was nice while it lasted lol. Also, if he's not over you and he knows your happy with one boyfriend your with jealousy could also come up of doing what he did. But even if that was the case he still shouldn't do those things to begin with.