Yeah. This is not about me having a child. It's about me having a boyfriend who I take care of like a child. (Before we get into this... I have been with this guy for 5 years and I don't just want answers saying 'break up with him' because it won't happen. I need help trying to figure out what will make him learn how to... live? He doesn't know how to live.

He has been living here basically free for the past year. Owes me hundreds of dollars due to unpaid rent. I don't even ASK him for money for food... I just buy it for him because he needs to eat.

Today he came in to our room while I was sleeping and said to me... 'So. There is absolutely nothing to eat is there?' -accusing tone- Me: 'Well there are two pieces of bread left for toast.' Him: -SIIIIGHH- -close door- -walk around- -slam slam- Me: '.......'

So later, I get out here... and he didn't even EAT the toast... and there is still enough cereal for a small bowl... so I just helped my self to the rest of the food. He went hungry because he didn't want these things. I shouldn't have to feel bad.

Plus the fact that the reason he keeps losing jobs and not getting many hours at the job he has is because he just doesn't GO. They already TOLD him he isn't getting enough hours because he doesn't show up for the ones they give him.

He made up this lie to me the other day to get out of work. He sleeps in... then when I ask if hes going to work... he says 'Well, I actually am going to talk to my boss about switching my hours to longer days on these days and more days off.' me: 'Ok.'

Later. The phone rings. Its his boss.

Him: 'Tell him im not here. '

Me: 'No. You talk to him. Ask him about the hours like you said you were going to. '

Him: 'Uggh...' -goes to phone- 'Yeah.. uhh... I cant come in today. '

Me: '........'

When I asked him about it he said he just doesn't like to discuss hours over the phone... BUT THAT'S A LIE. If he didn't like talking about hours on the phone then why did he not go to work... where he could discuss them there. Its all just a bunch of lies. He just wanted to sleep in.

He always finds excuses like this and it loses him jobs.

He never does his own laundry. He goes to work stinky until I break down and do it for him. I have showed him how COUNTLESS times... but he refuses to do it.

I already told him that if he cant pay rent this month then he is out... but im not sure what to do... because I actually have done this twice before... each time he moved out... he held a job and seemed to be doing fine... but then when he moves in with me its like he just gives up because he has what he wants. That or it just seems like he is doing well because he is living with his mom or his sister where they take care of him like I do.

How the hell do you get a boy to learn how to take care of himself... not just for you... but for himself. Learn to wake up and go to work like everyone else. Buy groceries. Make food. Do laundry. Shower. Pay bills.

I don't know what to do. I am growing very tired of taking care of him and being unappreciated.

I need advice on how to get it through to him... I have told him how I feel many times. It just seems like he doesn't get it... and just doesn't know how to live like everyone else.

Help... =(

You sort of answered your own question there. When he moved out he took care of himself. So, it just stands to reason that if you stop taking care of him he'll take care of himself. It's not that he doesn't know how, it's that he knows you'll do all this for him.

Well like I said... it could be that.. or it could be the fact that who he moves in with helps him too so it looks like he is doing well from the outside.

How do I know if I kick him out again that he will take care of himself and not rely on his family until I take him back again??

you're being used. 5 years and he still acts like a child? kick him out and put the relationship on pause until he can wipe his own ass.

edit

that's not your problem, he needs to grow up by himself. clearly the coddling isn't working, so it sounds to me like he needs some tough love.

You obviously don't like his lifestyle, but you aren't helping him one bit by feeding this lifestyle to him. He knows he can get what he wants from you, so he keeps coming back. He knows how to manipulate you and you obviously KNOW he's doing it, but you dont try to stop him. He's just pushing you around. Tell his lazy butt to get out and dont bother coming back until he can prove that he can take care of himself.

This is like buying crack for a friend who's a drug addict, yet you beg them to quit. It just doesn't make sense.

From what I can tell from what I've read, you seem to still love him, but does he really love you?

It seems to me that if he knows he can get what he wants from you he's going to keep doing it no matter how hard you press him. He's a manipulator and I honestly don't think he's going change because unless you really stand firm he's going to keep walking all over you.

Problem is, and this is just an observation, is that no matter how much you try to be firm with him, you cave soon after. As stated, it is like buying drugs for an addicted friend. At some point one of you is going to have to break the cycle; but I don't think it will be him.

I'm not saying kick him out. I'm saying I'd stop doing things for him. The rent's the only part that'll be tricky. Cooking for him (when you're not already cooking for yourself), doing his laundry, all that? Yeah. I'd quit and let him do it himself or starve and wear nasty clothes :P He's grown. He knows how to pour a bowl of cereal, toast some bread, and eat it. He -might- not know how to wash clothes, but that's something you can show him in a few minutes.

[edit] It's just a matter of being appreciated. Stop doing things for him until he stops acting like you OWE him and starts saying thanks and helping you.

Well, honestly, a relationship with him doesn't sound very productive if you aren't up for taking care of him. That's the type of person he is and people don't change once they are that old ((and if he is old enough to be living with his girlfriend he's old enough not to be prone to a permanent change in character.)) What happens in a few years if you decide to get married? You'll just be trapped in the boat you are in because there won't be any backing out of it.

However, if you don't want to break up with him I think that the best bet is to tell him to move out and to go take care of himself and don't let him just go move in with his mom or something because if you let him just do that he'll never learn the lifeskills he needs to ever live with you.

Have you asked him why he does not feel motivated to do things? It's possible he may just be a bum, but he also may be depressed.

Not caring about one's personal hygeine, irascibility, lethargy, these could all be signs of depression. BUT, since you said he takes care of himself living on his own, this could not be the case, and he might just be a deadbeat. Maybe living apart would be better?

You know you might be right. It could be a depression thing... I was thinking he might be bipolar or something and on a down >.< Sounds like an odd assumption, but my brother is bipolar and acts in a very similar way... where when he is on an up... for a while he'll get a new job be ecxited about things start up something really motivational... then sink back down and not get out of bed for work... lose his jobs... do nothing. It seems quite similar.

How do you bring something like that up with someone? o__o