ok so a lil bit of backstory and sorry this is gonna be long but ive been beating myself up over this and id like some third party opinions ;_;

so, as a sophomore in highschool, i had the hugest crush on a senior named tristan. he was exactly everything ive ever wanted in a man, save for the fact he was in a 3 year committed relationship with, lets call her, b.

tristan, b and i were all in marching band and so we all shared the same friend circle. (this becomes important just u wait.) anyways, our friends generally agreed tristan and b were the perfectest cutest bestest couple ever. because of this i avoided tristan and became really close to his best friend, lets call him, k.

except they werent. b constantly lied to tristan, their relationship was broken but tristan poured thousands of dollars into supporting her, and planned his future with her in mind. he felt like he needed to stay with her so he struggled to keep her. halfway through their freshman year of college, and a month before their 4th anniversary, they broke up. b told tristan she needed to be single for a while. barely a month later she had a new boyfriend. skip a few months, she visits tristan and tells him she still loves him, she just doesnt want to be with him. at this point, tristan is still trying to get her back.

skip two months and tristan and i start talking and within the month, start dating. k actually helped convince tristan to start dating me. weve now been dating a year and a month. at first i was extremely concerned about b, but tristan has told me that she became everything he didnt want in a woman, and that he quickly began to realize that im what hes always wanted.

eventually, tristan, his close friends and family all told me that tristan loves me way more than he ever loved b. that tristan is so much more visibly and genuinely happy with me, that he is in a much better place and we get along better. that he and i are healthy and he and b werent. and the general agreement is that im much better than b in every way and thats a nice little ego boost too. tristan is the type of loving family man christian that you just wholeheartedly know is faithful to you, and always will be.

so why am i worried?

because we all have the same general friend circle, i get little birdies with information of things b says. apparently, b is still in love with tristan. she and her new boyfriend have broken up. she experienced new men but was hoping tristan would be waiting for her when she got bored of them. so now shes trying to make plans with tristan for when she comes back to america (rn shes studying abroad in england). this makes me uncomfortable because tristan lives 3 hours away from me and though tristan has already promised me he wont hang out with her, not without me present or without my permission idk i just get nervous about the idea idk it bothers me she bothers me lol

its not that i dont trust tristan, because i trust him with my everything. i just dont trust b. tristan never could either but

should i be worried over this or not?

lol im such a worrier ;_; to be honest im scared that shell try to ruin us or something and i love tristan so much that the thought of losing him just sends me into a blackhole of negative feelings and ive already talked to tristan about this btw and hes obv told me not to worry but i cant and im just the type of person that needs a lot of people to tell me not to worry before im officially at ease you know and aaaahghghgh idk :c thoughts?

So far nothing has physically happened from her end, which is good. It's understandable that you worry, but as he is with you now and is not interested in her. If she actually makes a move towards him, then he is the one who has to deal with her. Until then, you can always tell your friends that you don't appreciate hearing about her shenanigans if you don't want to hear it. Good luck with everything :)

thank you ;_; i really should tell them not to anymore but im really nosy and i kind of like hearing the tidbits of what she says, even if it throws me into excessive worry haha

Wait let me get this right. They were together all of HS then shortly after college they break up and go do their own things. He ends up dating you and happier for it while she EXPECTED him to wait around for her?

She is being selfish. You don't part ways with someone and go live things how you want and expect the person you left to just do nothing but wait on you to come back. If life puts two people who part ways back together ok cool then life and such was how it was meant. But to leave and expect them to not live their life is very selfish. So if she does come back be aware her motives are highly likely selfish.

But if he, his family and you guys are all strong then odds are good she'll be sent on her way. Even more so if they know she expected him to wait on her to be "ready". She won't ever be "ready" if she treats boyfriends like this.

But overall like said until she does something to send the alarms off you are just fine ^^

How often do you go see the BF?

basically lmao imo its extremely strange and her motives are confusing to both me and tristan, but according to my friend, she expected him to be waiting because she was manipulating tristan with vague things like "i might date you again" "i just have to find myself" "i still love you, but..." and for a long time it was working. tristan admitted to that, but after dating me he realized it was an unhealthy relationship and he doesnt want to get mixed up with her again.

the problem is once shes back, because we have the same general friends, im worried shes going to do all she can to wedge herself back into his life and tristan is literally the nicest guy ive ever known, so nice that he cant even bring himself to cut people out of his life, no matter how awful they were to him. :< i trust tristan and for now im a lot more relieved. thank you!!

since this year started, because its our first year doing long distance, weve seen each other maybe 3-4 times every month and its usually for a few days. i actually just spent the past 4 days at his house, and ill be seeing him again this thursday.

Don't hate me for saying this, please read until the end: I understand that you don't like B, but the fact remains that she was a huge part of his life for a long time. If he just "felt he needed to stay with her", he wouldn't have wanted her back for those few months after the break up. I'm glad you guys have a healthier relationship that his previous one and I'm sure he is much happier, but you have to be ok with the fact that she was in his life for a few years and he may not even want to admit it to himself/you, but might want to see her when she gets back. If you didn't think this was a possibility you wouldn't be concerned, right? Chances are he just wants to catch up and see how she's doing, and you don't necessarily might be present for that... And you have to trust him that, in case he does (or simply bumps into her because of friends in common), nothing is gonna happen. Even if she throws himself at him or does whatever she's capable of doing.

Nobody likes someone doubting/forbidding them of doing certain things before anything gives them reason to and you have to make sure that this doesn't drive you guys apart. It's been almost two years since their break up! Long-distance is based on trust. Who cares that she wants him back? You shouldn't concern yourself with that. Tell him you know it's hearsay but don't like what you've heard and even so, if he happens to see her, fine. Not because you're so much better, but because you're sure he has put those feelings to rest. She's everything he loathes in a person, him seeing her is just going to reinforce that feeling.

I wouldn't be worried so much as bracing myself. From the sounds of things, she's 100% expecting him to be waiting for her like some sort of dog, and she's going to throw a massive tantrum when she's told he's a human being.

What I'd throw my money on happening is that your friend circle will break into people that side with you and people that side with her. Honestly, that's okay. If they think it's okay to abuse someone like that, they deserve less friends in life. Worst case scenario, it'll take them uncomfortably long to give up and leave you alone. But I guarantee you they will--she will find a piece of eye candy that's bigger and better in her eyes, and she will try to make you jealous with it because she thinks that's what love is. But she'll leave you alone.

Best case scenario, she'll realize that in order to get at Tristan, she'll have to go through /you/, and she'll chicken out and leave you both alone. Maybe with just a soft, easily dispelled, bitter rumor or two as a parting swing. Which can definitely happen.

I think it's natural to feel a little weird about her, considering that you're hearing that she still wants to pursue your boyfriend, but I wouldn't worry over it. Trust your boyfriend until he ever gives you a reason not to, and try not to worry over her. Chances are she's just feeling a little possessive over what might have been her first love, and will find that she's not even actually all that interested in him anymore and may end up leaving you guys alone. No point worrying over something that hasn't happened. c:

thats why im so torn about being so worried about her, though. because tristan doesnt want to see her again. before we dated but were still talking to each other, b had visited tristan at his parents' house and tried to kiss him but he didnt let her. tristans little brother was watching apparently lol because hes the one that told me initially, and later tristan told me about it himself. also, the reason he was so compelled to get back with her was more on obligation than love, thats just the way he is and was raised so it kinda was just because he felt he needed to stay with her.

like i said, i trust tristan, i have no issue with him at all. its clear he loves me, and is over her, etc. i just dont trust b and thats why i am so worried. im concerned if b would actually pull anything to split us up or anything, nothing at all with my faith in tristan. ):

bracing myself might be a good idea. P: though, most of our mutual friends arent that close to me, and most sided with tristan when they broke up so by default they all side with me, too haha. b isnt the type to spread rumors, either, so at this point im just hoping she gets over him and leaves us alone ghghghh

ahhh reading that made me feel relieved so thank you /w ive been talking to tristan more and more about my feelings about this so im starting to feel just really silly for being worried at all haha

@ pix Ah, she'll probably just pout for a while, then. Maybe try to send Tristan some angry messages just to vent at the very very worst. If she's not the type to spread rumors, and you know she won't have any support, then I doubt she'll still have the nerve to try and start something. I sure wouldn't, and I'm practically known amongst my circle for my bravado. xD

About Tristan, though--if what you say is true (that he now knows he was abused), it's going to take one hell of a lot to get him to drop that theory. I had an emotionally abusive relationship myself (not romantic, but you get the idea), and even though they've had years of therapy, I still don't want hardly anything to do with them. I'll be civil, but I won't go over to their house or anything (or have them at mine). I wouldn't worry. He might try to be friends with her, if he's really as forgiving as you say, but I firmly believe he will be way too uncomfortable in her presence to try anything funny--particularly if you've voiced your concerns like you said (because the whole time he'll be like "hey, I wonder if this convo would make pix cry").

EDIT: Sorry, that came out weird. I meant that like for her breaking the two of you up, too--if she tried to somehow manipulate him into thinking being with you is wrong, he'll have the fact in mind that she is a manipulative, emotionally abusive person, and he'll think more than twice. Especially if your happiness is on his mind while they're talking.

I 100% agree with what said. If he loves you and everyone sees that he has more feelings for you than he ever had for her, then no matter what she does he won't go back to her. You say you trust him so then I don't see the issue. What could she do, tell you a lie about something he did? You know she's lying so there's nothing to be worried about. After this long she would just be stupid not to move on because all she's doing is wasting her own time and making herself look silly. She may even just be doing things to get to you so just be indifferent towards her. Show her that you don't see her as a threat and it's fine if she wants to see him because you trust him.

If he does change his mind about seeing her, don't forbid him from doing it. Nobody likes being told what not to do and he might take that as a lack of faith in him. Let him see her to remind himself of how lucky he is to have you as a girlfriend.

Yeah tbh the most it seems you need to worry about is her throwing a hissy fit about him not being at her beck and call when she gets back. If Tristan doesn't want anything to do with her anymore then there isn't much you should worry about. I do agree with tho, if he does want to see her I wouldn't say no. I have a feeling that if she does try anything like she has before, he'd put a dead stop to her advances before they get too bad.