So, for most of my life, my family has made good decisions. Until they decided to move to the country.

Before, we lived in the city and could easily get WiFi/Internet service. Now, for more than five years, my family has had to rely on a Verizon mobile hotspot that racks up tons of data from 4 people using it.

My parents spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on my mom's "dream home" out on five acres out in the country. At the time, my mom had a job making triple figures as the marketing director of a real estate developer. She made enough money that she spent 10k on horses alone one year. She bought me my own horse and poured more and more money into living her "dream", and could afford to do so.

Then the recession came. The real estate company she worked for went bankrupt, and she lost her job. Luckily after a few months she was able to get a job at a financial advisory, but had to change her entire career to do so. She's making under half of what she used to make. Now, she and my dad can barely afford the mortgage (soul crushing at that), along with property taxes, food, and other necessities. The barn is unfinished and rotting along with some of the fence because my mom lost her job before these could be completed.

Now, despite bills and fighting over money, my parents (particularly my mother) refuse to take decisions to make their lives better.

1. They refuse to sell the house because my mom is extremely attached to it, despite the economy improving. If they sold the house, their lives would improve vastly.

2. My mom refuses to have boarders at the barn, despite the stalls being in relatively good condition - and I'm unemployed so I could spend my time taking care of boarders' horses. Instead, she takes on a FREE, fixer upper horse we don't even own (we lease him) in bad condition, constantly lame, "for my dad to ride". In the 5 months that we've gotten the horse, my dad's only ridden him 1 time. 1 flippin time. I've tried to tell my mom to get rid of the horse and give him back to the owner, but she refuses and continues to sink money into the horse's care.

3. Overall, the stress of living in a house where money is always as issue has caused my mom to pretty much go insane, or get a little spoiled. For example, she has a fit whenever I don't do whatever she wants me to do. She blows up emotionally at the littlest of issues. She is constantly bitter and angry. Above all, she over-commits herself because she feels she needs to.

4. My father doesn't help, nor does my 18 year old brother, who live under the same roof and don't do anything to help out. All they do is sit around playing video games, my brother throws a FIT whenever he's asked to help with cleaning. My mom is expected to do everything around the house, including clean up after my brother's ample messes, and is usually exhausted from work and cleaning. She's also too tired to work out, and is highly overweight with high blood pressure. The stress (along with poor diet) is literally killing her, and my dad already had to have his gallbladder removed due to the same issues.

5. Overall, I try to help when I can, including finding a new job and moving out. Up until November, I lived in a city 3 hours away but was constantly having panic/anxiety attacks due to stress. I lost my job due to my boss refusing to grant me sick leave to get treatment. I've been searching for a new job for over 3 months now, and I've gotten a lot of interviews, but no job offers - even when I'm the most qualified candidate. It's starting to infuriate me and make me feel helpless, because my parents won't listen, my brother won't listen (he just acts like a spoiled brat), and no employer will give me a chance to work.

6. My mom also refuses to try and get the equivalent of her old job back, even though it would double her income and ease our money issues. She also refuses to "slow down" and quit some of the things/clubs she's overloading herself with.

In a nutshell: I need advice to help change things with my family. I don't want my mom to die of heart diseases or complications due to high blood pressure. I don't want my brother to be a slob anymore, ditto with my dad. And I don't want to live out in the country, where we can't even get proper Internet and can't afford to fix things that are breaking, because we have no money due to the mortgage/house...

Advice?

Ngh… This is one difficult story… Uh, well… First off- without asking your age directly- are you OLD enough to try “changing” things? Understand, I don’t ask to be rude. But it’s important in the realm of what can actually be done. By you.

Secondly, let’s look at your bullt points…

1. A parent acquiring a dream and then being threatened with losing it is terrifying. Indeed, I witnessed the same thing for my parents. My dad built the ‘big house’ he always wanted right before The Fall, as I call it… Times got very, very hard. And I did what I could to help, having a decent job, though it was nowhere near a career choice, of course. But… Though my parents tried to sell the house a couple different times, we the amount offered was never enough to warrant our leaving. So we sat on the mess we were in. Eventually, and I mean only now, do things look brighter as we adjusted our spending to income ratio, dad dipped into his 401k enough to pay off credit cards and nearly abolish their use there-in. It was hard. It was ugly. But we’re making it bit by bit now… So, though selling would indeed improve things vastly, it’s not always easy or worth it initially. And sometimes, though it looks bleak, hanging on for the worst of the ride turns out okay. :/

2. That’s… I’m sorry, but that’s stupid. What about negotiating that she allows YOU to care for the boarded horse/horses as a job of your own? Making it your responsibility and pitch it to her as a sales type pitch? Explain your plan, give her a cut of the earnings. The way I was raised, if I ever wanted something, I had to pitch the idea and sell my parents on the idea. It’s a grand skill to try and hone anyway, and it may be just the trick to make her agree? But I agree with you. The lame horse sounds like an utter money pit that takes with no give back… A dead-end investment.

3. That’s unhealthy for the relationship between you, but can also end up being very taxing on you… It’s unfair. But, perhaps taking up a personal journal or having someone to bounce ideas off of or vent to could help as far as your own emotional needs. I can’t speak for the needs of your mother, of course, if she’s having a bit of a nervous breakdown from the weight of this stress.

4. That’s irresponsible of them, indeed. Though, are they utterly oblivious to the depth of the trouble the family is in? Sometimes ignoring things and continuing on is the popular option to deal with hardships. People hit a kind of denial that they’re in as much trouble as they are truly in and so they continue down the destructive path they’re on. Though, this also explains a lot as to the stress you mother must be under and why she lashes out as you explained in the previous point… Whenever I fought… well, I guess I still FIGHT with my mother sometimes… It was bad. But, at the same time, we’d make up afterward sometime. People often lash out angrily at the people they know will forgive them. Even subconsciously. The unconditional love is harder to break and if they lash out at anyone else, that person is more apt to just walk away. Family takes the worst damage from within, for sure. But, it also covers up a lot of fear, hurt, stress, etc… When my family went through the hardest of our times, it got ugly. Very much, sometimes.

4.5) To add another option… I’m not saying this is the RIGHT WAY to go, but perhaps trying to pick up more slack left by your brother would give you better leverage in the long run. Pull a little more than your weight, and it will pay off in the talks mentioned above if you go that route, or any other you may choose to approach in the future. I did. And it gave me more “power” than I usually had. Just a suggestion… It’s a docile way of manipulation in a way..

5. Job searching can always be a horrible thing… All I can say is best of luck… I don’t really have much advice here…

6. Perhaps she refuses to give up the clubs and other things because they make her feel part of something and it’s important to her. Maybe it’s a personal/public image sort of thing. Maybe it’s one of the only things she feels a deeper sense of enjoyment for and she wants to hang onto it even if it seems to over-burden her? Who knows…

Whew… Anyway, in the end of it all, you can’t really change people. And trying to do so will only stress you out, stress out those you try to change and cause more and more anxiety for you. Believe me. I’ve been there. I think it shaved a good 3-5 years off my life for 1-1.5 years of trying. It isn’t worth it…

What you CAN do is try to change the THINGS around you, and see if people pick up on the improvements. Then if THEY want it, they will change for it. A bait effect, in a way… If that makes any sense.

But I agree that whenever you’re able to, you should look into moving out. It would be better for you, perhaps. Even working hard and sending them money from time to time. But that can also be tough and have its own stresses. There is and will never be an easy fix for things like this. People have their hidden/secret reasons for doing or not doing things.

I’m not sure if any of that helps.

But I hope at least one sentence does.

I... I can't really say anything other than that Demorg nailed it. Seriously, everything I would have said. You can change some of the details on your own, but in the long run it's up to others whether they change or stay the same.