These past couple of months have been pretty hard. Recently, my very close relative committed suicide. It's been three months, but I'm still not sure how to deal with these emotions. I'm constantly asking myself why I have to wait to see him, will his body be young looking when I finally see him again and will mine be old?

I was clinically depressed and suicidal for the past three years I've been at school, but when he finally started attending my university with me... I was so unbelievably happy that things finally felt right. He was with me to take on the world and we spent every waking moment together.

When it happened..... I missed his first phone call by a couple of minutes, I was waiting in line at the DMV to get my picture taken for my new license. He left me a voice message, but I ignored it and called him right back. He only said eight words. I was the last person he ever talked to.

I'm not here to tell the whole story. And I don't want to. Nor do I want to hear stories. I was recommended to attend a group therapy session with other 'survivors of suicide' and it felt like a pissing contest between a bunch of sad/depressed young adults and I couldn't stop crying because I felt ashamed and only wanted all of the pain that they all felt just to be lifted.

I'll feel waves of sheer anger, literally stop my entire day and thrash against my bed when I finally have enough energy and punch, rip, and tear at my bedding. I'm so inexplicably enraged by her. The things she did to him, the way she made him feel because I know I only experienced the surface of his pain. Because I saw the texts, the snapchats, the missed phone calls. I saw everything. and nobody knows what she did except for me. I've been asked what had happened, but I can't fully explain it.

Then I get mad at him. I'm selfish, and want to know why he left. I'm so mad at him because I wanted him to graduate with me and I wanted my entire family to be together forever.

But then I get sad. So sad. I try to forgive her. I don't want just a surface level forgiveness. I don't want to just be able to "deal" with her. I want to embrace her in my arms, hold her head and tell her that 'I'm sorry. Together we will heal. I cherish and value your life just as much as I did my blood relative and only wish the absolute best for you and will support you in any way that I can'.

I just miss him so much.I feel guilt. Like I should have said something different when he called. Or forced him to stay with me. Or should have told his parents. I feel like I should never speak to his parents, my aunt and uncle. I find it ironic that only two weeks before this happened that I wrote in a short paper reflecting on a short story that: "As young college students, we haven't experienced much loss. We're young enough that many of our relatives haven't passed on, yet we're old enough to understand what death is. For this reason, we cannot fully understand or deal with grief yet. Because we haven't been trust into the situation.'

tl;dr - I'm sad. angry. guilty. I don't know how to grieve. And I want to know what the next step is. How long am I going to feel this way. I want to get better, for him and for me and my family.

You're going to feel all of that for a long time. It never goes away, just kind of fades into something you get used to. Because it's a thing that happened, just like everything else in life. Only this was a very bad thing. But after time passes you learn how to live with. Make it a part of you. In this way you are not unique.

You're not alone. What you are feeling now is a normal reaction. You will come to the forgiveness part after you've lived with the grief and accepted his passing.

As for dealing with the physical part, take kickboxing and stay with it. It's helped me reach a clear mental state I couldn't before and exhausts your body at the same time.