hi all. this past weekend i logged onto subeta for the first time in awhile and found i was pinged to a thread made by someone seeking out friends of a now passed user of this site. i rarely use this site anymore but today my grandma passed and because i've recently reinvigorated the nostalgia i feel for this place, i figured what the hell and am typing out a post to the void of the internet where few people who know me personally will be able to see it. i would love to hear from you about any prior grief you have experienced and what your journey was like and any advice you may have. i've never lost someone so close to me before. and losing my grandma is like losing a parent. she helped raise me in a way my mother couldn't (i mean this in many ways) when my father passed when i was just four years old... so that kind of loss was different because i was so young. now i am 28 and i have just lost the person who loved me most in the whole world. she always told me she felt like i was her own child, and i felt like i was, too. she was more of a mother to me than my own mother ever was (bless her heart - i try to say this with as little resentment as possible...).

anyways.... at this point in time i don't really feel anything. when i first found out i sobbed but it was weird because i had just clocked into work and literally got the text of the news and had to immediately clock back out and leave. so i had to leave but also try and keep it together as i drove home in the remnants of an overnight winter storm... and when i got home i cried in my partner's lap and they stroked my head and made me coffee and i eventually stopped crying and created a comic as a way to channel my feelings and then took a nap and after i awoke, a numbness(?) descended over me. idk if i'm numb or in shock/disbelief. i kind of feel like i'm in disbelief and that's why i'm not feeling sad or overwhelming distress. but i know that that is coming. and i'm scared of what the emotional release will look like because i have dreaded this moment for years and years now, wondering how i would react and knowing that it would be huge.

my grandma meant a lot to me. i don't want to think about her house lying empty now. all her memories there that are now gonna be squabbled over by her siblings. i feel guilty for even thinking about that part of the death process.... i'm about to inherit some stuff. i don't want to feel feelings of envy over wanting my fair share and getting what i consider is rightfully mine. i spent nearly every summer of my childhood in that house. i am blessed that i got to see my grandma this past christmas for the last time... while there my aunt commented that that house is my childhood home just as much as it is hers. but i'm barely above the poverty line in my state... i need the money... and i feel like i shouldn't even be airing out this line of thought because it feels so evil but it's there and i don't know. i don't care what the people of subeta may think of me for saying this. maybe someone out here will get it.

my partner also just lost their father right before christmas so death just really seems to be in the air right now, at least in my life currently. they're dealing with all this stuff so maybe that's why it's also already on my mind because i've seen it get ugly fast for them and their family settlings of the matters. my uncle and aunt have already been fighting over this stuff since my grandfather passed five years ago. i'm on my aunt's side though, i think she is the correct one and she's also the one who took care of my grandmother after my grandfather passed and also took care of him as he was dying. so i'm hoping to god she's the one with the legal power of sorting everything out because she is on my side, too. my uncle is a goddamned white supremacist asshole straight up. lmao. it's not funny.

..... i know this whole thread is a fucking bummer and if you're reading this, thank you. as i stated at the beginning. if anyone feels like they want to share anything, i'll read it. and i thank you for reading this. if you don't say anything that's ok too i'm really just typing this to get it all out in a safe space. i consider subeta a safe space for me. i grew up on this website too lol. i would log on using my papaw's shitty old (even for 2011 it was old) computer to try and grab the new year's freebies begging god to give his internet connection enough speed to snag a gold medal or CSC lol. i even did manage to snag one or two.

rest in peace, grandma bobbie. she was a wonderful woman. a heart made of gold even if a little backwards in political opinion due to being an arkansan woman born in the 30's. everyone loved her and she loved everyone. was always happy to see a baby. only ever wanted to take care of anyone who entered her home. constantly asking if she could fix you something to eat. and one plate fed to you was never enough. i'll miss her grilled cheeses and her back scratches and the tales she would tell me as i fell asleep. we were night owls together, eating honey bunches of oats at midnight in the kitchen. always begging me to let jesus into my heart (he's there, i'm just not christian but she never got that). but she's up in heaven with him now, along with her husband and my father - her youngest child who she lost too soon.

i'll miss you for the rest of my life, grandma.

Hello, this post really got me because a lot of what you posted sound like if I wrote it myself. My grandmother died 6 years ago and it was the most devastating loss that I've ever experienced. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I was on a work trip in a foreign country with constant dead spots. When I was back with civilization my texts, messenger, email, and voice mail were blowing up. It was a horrible time.

The best thing that I did was talk about her. It took me a few months to get to that point, to be able to talk about her without breaking down though. I talked about the good, the bad, the crazy. I talked about everything and anything.

My journey is still in progress, it's been 6 years and miss her regularly. The crying is now only around the anniversary of her passing. I try to remember the funny and happy memories around the time.

But the hard part was letting time mellow the wound enough for me to be emotionally ready to address the aftermath.

I'm so sorry for your loss. The grief never goes away, but it becomes easier to deal with. My best advice is to allow yourself to grieve during those moments.

I lost both my mom and my husband a few years apart very unexpectedly. My sisters would talk out loud to them after their passing, but I always felt weird about it. Instead, I kept a journal for each of them and wrote entries to them. I would mention the good things going on, how my day was, memories of them...

At times, I would be angry, either with something I did or something they did. I would remember bad memories. For those, I've written letters and burned them. It gets those feelings off my chest but I don't have them written in the journals so I don't have to look at it and remember those bad things.

I sympathize with you. Losing my Gma was a lot and still is years later. I'd like to say grief leaves and we're as happy-go-lucky as we once were. But it doesn't from what I've experienced.
However we can always push new memories forward with those we love. Once I figure out how my Gma made these marshmallow treats everyone is going to have some! She would get a regular marshmallow like for camping smores, wrap it in some kinda caramel without melting the marshmallow but still sticky enough to get rice crispies to stick. Then when they were set it wasn't tacky anymore. When I try I just melt the marshmallows haha

I know the hurt is going to be a roller coaster. Try asking the place that puts on her service if they have grief resources available. It sounds weird but much like a doctor office they should have pamphlet/cards available of places offering the service. Most are free/low cost the first few months after. I still have moments about it and those services truly helped me.

Your grandmother sounds like an amazing person to your life. Smile about what she taught you :)

<3 i am so sorry

I'm so sorry for your loss. When losses compound like that it's normal to feel numb for a little or like everything is surreal. i remember when my dad died and i kept saying "is this actually happening?" because it felt like a test. like at any moment my dad would come home and be like "this is why it's good to be prepared". he was a very prepared person but left no will. life is full of contradictions. i hope you find time to be alone in nature to relax and reconnect to the earth. <3

Damn, I'm sorry. :( It always sucks to lose a family member