I'm more just thinking a bit out loud here, kinda venting and maybe looking for some advice

For backstory, I was in a polyamorous relationship. I met someone new and something about them made me wanna be monogamous to them (it was entirely my choice) so I ended my other two relationships. Both of my ex partners seem open to taking me back if my mind changes about being with them as well because we remain amicable.

Fast forward to this month, this had led to a resurgence of the borderline personality disorder symptoms that I had under control while I was in that poly relationship for some reason. The biggest one I was previously struggling with, my fears of being abandoned/replaced & a sort of paranoia, are back. I'm trying to correct both. I'm trying not to cling or be toxic about it. I'm trying to meet all of this where it stands and then do the opposite of whatever sabotaging thing it tries to make me do.

I just don't know if I made a mistake choosing to be monogamous with them or what. I want to be able to give them all the affection & attention I can and that was part of my decision. I didn't want to have to divide it up and possibly underlove (is that a word? It is now) anyone.

just for context here, what made you decide to be monogamous to this person vs. the people you were already seeing?

It was a mix of things. I had been contemplating breaking up with them both for months prior because with one, it was about the way their style of interaction with me. It remained a bit platonic in vibes even after 6 years and was not what I needed. With the other, I just never had much to talk about with her. The best I could do to keep that going was send her cat pics. Couldn't see that going anywhere at all plus I felt a bit neglected by her. There were also discrepancies in drives with one ex being asexual and the other just not caring enough.

This person met everything I was missing. It was kind of a Goldilocks "just right" vibe I got. Another problem, more to do with me, was that I couldn't find a way to give all 3 attention without someone ending up underloved. So even without my reasons, this was really only the fair way to go about it.

I actually did have a breakthrough on this recently, though. I'm thinking what likely helped when I was polyam is easily recreated with those platonic friends who I pretty much accidentally neglected in favor of interacting primarily with my partners. Being polyam gave me a kind of network in a way. So I'm working on nurturing & maintaining those friendships I neglected for so long.

It sounds like you're serious about this person. Perhaps your paranoia/fear of abandonment is popping back up because of the rapid changes in your life, plus the fear of losing this person?

I'm glad to hear you're reconnecting with friends! Having a support system outside of your relationship is really important. :)

I don't know why this happens, but i just came by to say BIG SAME!

I also have BPD and the abandonment issue is rly strong in me when it involves friends and lovers. I think the monogamous way to bound with someone has something to do with the way my insecurities pop out on those relationships.

When i was in previous mono relationships, i always felt like i had to fully meet someone's needs, otherwise the person i love would find someone else. It even happened to me with friends, because the whole "best friend" label made me feel like they would meet someone nicer and abandon me.

What helped me was to find people that make me feel loved, besides of their love for other people in their lives. Communicating my needs more clearly with no fear of being abandoned also helped a lot!

And i decided to marry one of my best friends in the end, and he is someone that has never made me feel like i could be abandoned. we have a non monogamous relationship, but i rlly feel he is so happy when I'm around and i bring so much fun to his life that i have no reason to believe he would someday want me out of his life. I also got away from friends that couldn't validate me the way i needed and everyone in my life today makes me feel special, so i also stopped caring about them meeting other amazing people.

But i think maybe if i kept being monogamous, i would have the same issues about comparing me to other nice people my friends/lovers could meet instead of being grateful for the love that surrounds my whole life.

What makes you trigger the abandonment issues when you are with your so?

Thank you all. I'm just going to update this:

It wasn't my BPD at work and it wasn't me trying to be monogamous either! It was instinct I was fully ignoring.