So, when I first met my fiancé over three years ago, I told him before we got together that if we were to date, I would not be okay with him having a motocycle. I told him that motocycles are a full-stop dealbreaker for me.

So within the last year or so, my fiancé has been hinting that he would like to get his motorcycle license. I hate that I'm basically telling him what he can and cant do, but I have reiterated a few times that I was extremely upfront about this personal hang-up of mine. I am already dealing with multiple anxiety-related disorders and I don't think my heart could take the constant dread of knowing he might be hurt.

He has said multiple times that he would never go behind my back or get his motorcycle license without my blessing; but that he wishes I would reconsider. Its not that he's pushing the issue, but I just feel guilty that I might be taking a life experience from him that he was really looking forward to. This has been hanging in the back of my mind for a while now, and I don't want to be unfair towards him, despite my being upfront at the beginning of the relationship.

Am I being selfish? I just don't want my fiancé to end up being scraped off the road.

Personally I think you're being reasonable. But at the same time, you gotta let them try. Asking someone not to do something usually often ends up with them wanting to do it even more most times.

Let's hope they just want to get the license and just having it is good enough to quell that need. Just talk to them again about it and ask them, if they insist on getting one... they are the most safest driver that ever existed, safety gear and all. So you can have some peace of mind.

Sorry it's not really much help or comfort.... I never witnessed any accidents myself but I loath motorcycles for their obnoxious noises and that idiots around here love speeding and revving engines late at night...

I really hope you can get more replies to help you here. Good luck and I'm sorry you witnessed those tragic accidents.... ;_;

I wonder if that would make him feel better. Its not that I don't trust him, I'm just afraid of what other people on the road will do. ;-; He's a very safe driver, but it doesn't help that my dad spent over a decade as a tow truck driver cleaning up wreckages, either.. He came home with so many horror stories that even if I hadn't witnessed those wrecks, I'd probably still be petrified of motorcycles.. XD

I'd be more okay with it if we had a yard or something he could drive it around in, I'm just terrified of him going on the road with one X_X

Perfectly understandable though. Wish I could offer more help. Only other thing I can think of is maybe, a one time couples therapy session? Seems extreme, yes I know but maybe it could offer guidance?

Honestly though, I'd keep that idea way at the back, maybe as a last resort. ^^;;;

I mean, therapy is never a bad idea! Unfortunately I get therapy through the state I'm in and I can't afford to see someone who specializes in couples.

Fortunately for us though, our relationship is really solid. We've had ups and downs, but my fiance is a wonderful man who treats me like gold. I have boundless love and respect for him, which is why I don't want to deprive him of something if his heart really wants it. :-: (and also why I'm terrified of something bad happening to him)

I totally get it! I wish you both the best and I hope that things work out for you so that you can both can feel safe and happy! Also I hope others can offer much more worthwhile advice... ^^;;;

I'm so sorry to hear what you've gone through by seeing those accidents. I'm a super sensitive person and i think i would be devastated if i had experienced that.

I think, besides your fear of losing someone you love, you should support his wish of taking a motorcycle's licence and find ways together to validate your feelings about it and pay attention to the situations that might get your anxiety triggered.

You could maybe try, little by little, to say to yourself that those accidents you saw were a tragedy, but it doesn't mean this tragedy will come for your loved ones.

I know it is hard, because i've been there myself, but if you practice this, the hard feelings about it may get smaller. Not only venting your anxiety and validating your feelings about it, but saying to yourself that the things on your past won't affect your future, might have a good impact on your daily life.

I had a similar issue with my so, but with a different subject that traumatized me in the past. It's something that might never heal, but we found our way to deal with this together and i hope you and your so can discuss that matter and find some solution that fits you both!

Best of luck, if you wanna talk some more about it, I'm always here!

Thankyou so much for your insight; I think you may actually be right. My therapist has told me that I have a tendency to catastrophize.

I know logically that my fiance is a good driver, but my fear is moreso of other people on the road. That said, it might be good to let him get his license anyhow, and maybe we can figure out a way he can ride motorcycles recreationally rather than on busy streets and highways when we are in a better financial situation. 😅

I think this is a nice idea to talk to him and negociate some middle gound that suits you both.

My father used to be SUPER agressive while driving, and once he got into a fight with someone that turned out to be a member of a gang and he put my father's house on fire. No one got hurt, but after that, he talked a lot with my mom, who also got very anxious about the possibility of him driving again, and they started to settle a middle ground for them little by little, and making progression as my father got less and less agressive while driving. Today, after almost 20 years, he is an awesome and super calm driver and they go everywhere by car (together or not).

Maybe you could try something like that, let him take his licence and then support him to start going out first only for motorcycle events nearby with some companion, because he'll be around many other experienced drivers who can help him out in the beggining. After some time, you can talk again if you still feel anxious or not about it, and then tighten or loosen options as you both progress about this issue, to make you both feel safe at all times.

I rly hope you guys can figure this out, you guys seem to be an amazing couple <3

Anyways, I'm very much on the fence about it myself, I'd love to get one myself and I don't necessarily see having the license as going and getting a Harley. Interestingly, I did see a job recently that required both a driver's license and a motorcycle one so I'm hoping that doesn't become standard.

And having strong feelings on the matter isn't ever a bad thing.

thankyou so much friend!! I appreciate you. Glad to hear your dad is a safer driver now!

oh gosh. That's terrible. I can't imagine what your aunt and his family went through. I want to compromise with my fiance, but I definitely have some strong feelings about it for sure, haha.

my dad knows that i feel the same way as u and on a roadtrip he pointed at a motorcyclist and said "look its ur boyfriend"

u cant stop him but let him know ur not going to his funeral if thats how he goes

u can be mean about it i'll say it