I move back to my home state very soon, which is great! I'm finally going home after dealing with a very garbage past 13-14 months. It'll be my third move in less than two years (and each of them have been across state lines).

Unfortunately, I have to face a problem with a "friend" who I've been struggling very hard with in terms of boundaries. Some background: I've known him since we were freshmen in high school, he's 24 (25 in 2 days), I'm 25, and we used to be FWBs. Back in ~2018ish, we got into a car crash and the trauma of it led to him coping in an unhealthy way by latching on me, which made me end the FWB and general friendship. I let him back in after a former mutual friend (on his end, they're still my friend) messaged me saying he wanted to apologize. I accepted and said we could be platonic friends moving forward.

That said, I'm having trouble now, after enduring a lot more trauma and now struggling with memory & PTSD/cPTSD. I have no idea how to manage this at all. I'll explain what he's been doing and it's driving me nuts! Just a disclaimer though; I will take steps to contact the appropriate authorities if my friend crosses the line into being a danger.

I recently had a realization that my friend could possibly be getting to a danger zone. So, over the summer, he mentioned that he would be willing to do me a favor by coming to my town to pick me up for my move back to my hometown with a rental car. The drive is 26 hours without any stops at all, but it took my parents ~30 hours at least to do it, twice (the other way). I also have a cat who does not do well with strangers, despite having met him once before. I originally told him I'd consider it and would talk to Mom about it, but I decided against it, and never told my parents about the idea. A few weeks ago, I realized that he possibly brought the idea up for the purpose of having me to himself for an extended period of time (and to have me back in the area as well). When I realized this, I stopped responding to him on Discord under the guise of struggling with my health & coping with said struggles. I have his DM on mute, but I can still see when he messages me, I'm just not pinged...

I also believe that he added me to a group on Facebook, because I woke up to a notification from a cat group saying I was declined from joining it because I hadn't answered the questions. I never do this, especially for a cat group. I ignored it for a couple hours, but decided "ehh... I'll join, it's another cute group I could use for my feed." Within an hour or two of being accepted, I was tagged in a post in that group by my friend. He'd been blocked from seeing new posts that I share to my profile for a few weeks at this point.

A few years back, he sent me a song when I was single. "Black Butterflies and Deja Vu" by The Maine. It's a banger song, but last year, I realized why he sent it. I knew he always had feelings for me, going as far back as our FWB, but this was sent after we reconciled. Earlier this year, when my grandmother passed away, he asked me about my thoughts on dating. Multiple times. I chalked it up to memory problems, because I know he struggles with trauma too, but I still can't shake the feeling that he didn't forget the first conversation. I also have a gut feeling that our mutual friend cut him off for this reason, since he admitted to me in the past that he had feelings for them. In a conversation earlier this year, he said that "they would not want to see me right now," and didn't say why. I haven't asked them about him either.

All in all, I'm just incredibly weirded out, and I wanna call it quits on this friendship. I struggle heavily with boundaries, so I would greatly appreciate advice on how to create & maintain them for in general, as well as advice for fully removing this person from my life. I have a hard time with the idea of cutting him out because my parents know we reconciled once already, and they really like him now, and they're also up in my business about my friendships, which gives me a ton of anxiety. I really hate that they're incredibly nosy about things sometimes...

Just a note, I'm in therapy too, but you can only say so much in an hour when there's a ton of trauma to process. I just had my treatment plan redone since it was due, and fortunately, boundaries are on it! I just haven't had the time to go over them much due to my upcoming move & health problems.

I apologize for the long post, but I'm really lost and would love some advice and support on this! I see my therapist again on Thursday and hopefully I have time to squeeze this subject in between my move and health topics!

I'm sorry to hear you're in this situation. It's hard to set boundaries with people you care about, especially when you're both struggling and you can emphasize with them.

In my experience, setting a boundary is a three-step process:

1. Clearly state the boundary. This is important since there can't be any room for misinterpretation (intentionally or otherwise). For example: "Please stop tagging me in posts" or "Please understand I am not interested in you and we will not be dating." You can explain your reasons, but you don't have to. Some people argue back when you give them a reason why you will or won't do something, so if you don't feel you can handle a potential negotiation, it might be better not to give reasons why even if pressed. You do not need a reason to set a boundary. You have the right for your boundaries to be respected regardless.

2. State what will happen if the boundary is violated. I.E. "If you continue to tag me in posts, I will remove you from my friends list and block you on my socials." This helps reinforce your statement and sets a precedent for behavior moving forward. Again you don't have to provide a reason unless you want to. If you do, try to focus on how you feel about the situation (i.e. "I feel uncomfortable when you tag me, like you're trying to get my attention even when I'm putting distance between us") to minimize the chance of a defensive response.

3. Stick to your word. Do what you say you will! It's going to be stressful, and it's going to feel bad. You may feel guilty. However, if you don't enforce a boundary it doesn't exist. If you aren't used to putting your foot down, it can feel more malicious than emotionally responsible. That's okay. Like building up a callus, the more you do it, the more comfortable you'll get. The more you respect yourself, your time, and your emotions, the more you'll attract people who do the same. You've got this. ♡

Disclaimer: I'm not a therapist. However, I've had to do a lot of work to start building healthy relationships, so your post resonated with me a little. I hope everything works out for you. :)

AnaSolidor's process is fantastic. I personally also consider an additional aspect about boundaries: this is the process of you determining what you need for your wellbeing, and then doing and maintaining whatever you need to make those needs happen. I find it hard to say no or put down my foot sometimes, but this helps me remind myself I'm actually saying yes to myself and what I need (peace, safety, focus, etc).