soo i have developed feelings for a dear friend of mine, and.. for some context... i have been in a string of relationships or near-relationships where the feelings I had were not reciprocated. the last relationship I was in, in fact- for over 3 years, with someone I considered a friend as well- was one of them. we both considered it a serious relationship but he couldn't tell me for 3 years he just wasn't into me. (i loved him tho and I took real good care of him so I guess that made it harder for him to be honest. sure he liked having me around... he just didn't like me for me.)

i also recently had a friendship break off bc he was kinda leading me on while saying we'd never be together, and I was trying to get over my feelings for him... it left me with these thoughts like, is it me? am I incapable of just being friends when I have feelings? Or was it just those guys I couldn't be friends with?

i've been single for over 3 years just figuring myself out. ive had a lot of time to think about what my ideal partner might look like someday, after the stuff i've been thru w my exes. im demi/gray ace so i pretty much only get feelings for my friends/ppl I already know well. im t4t now and leaning heavily towards other transmasc folks atm. i don't think I could be w someone who's not disabled/mentally ill and who understands life from that perspective, too much of my daily life is about that stuff; some of my other criteria are, "can we spend 17+ hours in a car together" and "can we solve problems together"? ideally someone who likes to camp/go on adventures with me, who likes animals cus I'll never be without pets, and idk, just a cool chill emo dude w a good taste in music?

i know, this ain't build a bear workshop. but here's the thing... after my last breakup, I moved back to my home state. and I'd been back for about a year when I met this friend. he literally checks all my boxes and then some. he is THE coolest person I've ever met. we met in the woods at a mutual friends' camp. we started camping together often after that, and one of our first times out in the woods together was so funny... so I car camp, right. We were gonna camp right next to each other at the same site, but didn't get to the site til after dark, when his tent broke and we had to share my bed in the back of my car. And we both liked it so much, we stayed out for 3 more days together, just the two of us.

He's since become one of my besties, and he told me I'm one of his, too. Now when we camp he gets half of my car by default. The other day I was driving him around and he accidentally called it "our car" and then corrected himself, and I was like, "commuism meme OUR car" but it really kinda is our car at this point... This season I brought an extra hammock for him in case he wanted his own. He used it once, the rest of the time he comes and sits with me in my hammock. Another time, we were staying at the family cabin w a 3rd friend and there were only 2 beds, so we shared one. The other day he and I went out to the cabin again, and we laid next to each other and fell asleep in the same bed, watching tv. The next night, we were just gonna go to bed without watching TV, but I said, fwiw, I kinda liked sleeping next to you... He just said, "how long is one of those episodes? Maybe we could watch one or two," and came to lay by me again. We mirror each other a lot like how cats do lol, I noticed the last time we were out camping he stuck real close to me even though we were alone the whole time. Like there were chairs but if I was standing by the fire he always stood by me instead of sitting.

And- kind of a big one for me- we care for each other w actions and not just words... he remembered me talking about wanting a shower chair bc of my medical condition, and how my mom doesn't want one bc it'll make the bathroom ugly... this guy got me a friggin shower chair???? Like a donation came up at a place he frequents and he grabbed it specifically for me! Both in the hopes that we'll be roomies soon (I'm getting to that) and probably just cus I'm at his house often enough anyway...

There have been a few times where it seemed like the time was perfect and I should've made a move, or should've asked if he wanted to snuggle (like when we were watching scary movies in the dark in the hammock together, and had literally just talked about both being touch starved... yea Im still kicking myself for that tbqh). And in a lot of ways I think I am being ridiculous... if he felt the same, i'm kinda being a dick lol...

but what??? if??? he doesn't???? what if we're just Really Good Friends, then I was reading way too much into things he'd probably do for anyone... then what :( He's a sweetie with a big heart, it's not just me he cares for. I don't want all these nice moments to be, idk... tainted by the knowledge that they felt so much different for me,if that makes sense? It's not that I'm trying to read intent into them that isn't there. it's just all the little things that make me keep falling harder for him, are the same things that make us such good friends.

the biggest thing is. I live with my parents and I have for a while. I'm disabled, applying for disability but it's a ways off. And my parents are cool but we really don't like being in each other's business all the time.

Since getting closer w my friend, he asked me to be his roommate. and I am SO excited bc I love his house too, he lives in a place where we're both working on some community building stuff that is very important to us, it's not too far from family or my favorite campsites, I think it would be a really good situation and that we'll be great roomies (I've lived with over 20 different people and if I can stand to be in my car for 3 days straight w someone we can definitely live together).

That is., If I don't go fck it up w my feelings. :/

I think if I was in this kind of friendship w, like, a cishet person, it would be different, I would think yea this guys giving you all the signs, what are you waiting for? but queer friendships sometimes have different, more intimate dynamics... ughh listen he's a full 10 and he knows it, and like, I've seen him ask peers on dates, so I feel like if he thought I was cute too he'd not have had a problem telling me so and I gotta be real, I'm built like the worms from men in black. He is way out of my league lmfao.

On the other hand. We are both really lonely, and t4t, we want a lot of the same things out of life, and we both really want love in our lives again... but then there's the "What have you got to lose?" Question, and the answer is, well, a really, really good friend and potentially a way out of my mom's house? Those things are both very important to me, in that specific order.

I am just so worried that he won't feel the same, and that it will compromise our roommate situation some way or another, when that's something we both really need and want... I HAVE lost friends before due to unrequited feelings (going both ways!), some recent. and while I like to think better of both this friend & I and where we are in our lives/the coping skills we have... it's me I worry about. I've had a string of real crap... luck? choices? both? with my past partners, and I am soo scared to shoot my shot bc I don't know how I'm gonna handle being rejected again...

I really wanted to be in a stronger place mentally before I did something like that. Like, people are allowed to say no, that's not my issue... It's that, people saying no doesn't mean my feelings go away. Historically when I've stayed Just Friends w someone I loved, my feelings only got stronger w time as our friendship went on for longer and we just shared more and more cherished experiences. And I just wanted to feel more confident about my ability to hear a no and still just stay friends w/o it being hurtful. ykw? sometimes the best answer is getting space from that person and I really, really dont wanna lose this friend, we have a good thing going... that's why i know i have to tell him how I feel before we move in together :( getting rejected once I'm already in his place would be too devastating. I'm also scared that him saying no might make me not wanna be roommies. But I mean, better to find that out now than after the fact, for sure....

And Im not just concerned for me... He and I are both really lonely and have been so grateful for each other's company lately. If we had to distance ourselves over this it would be hard for him too, and I wouldn't be able to comfort him over that. That was kind of what went on w the most recent friend I lost... I wanted to stay and comfort him even tho I needed to set boundaries, and when I finally did, he took it very personally and ended our friendship outright. It was for the best, but we both have so few friends rn, it was still a big blow to us both. I hate to think it could happen again.

I guess I'm kinda just sounding off here looking for echoes...if anything at all about this prompts you to say something feel free lol. I know what I need to do and if anyone responds you're gonna tell me the same, I need to tell HIM this. it's just... 1. urgh why lol, 2. how??? 3. sometimes it helps to hear it from someone else... reassuring, ig? so yeah. hit me w that hard truth, it's coming for me one way or another at this point, my gay ass needs all the help i can get rofl

I married my best friend.

I also had strong feelings for another friend and was rejected, but past bad experiences do not influence what will happen between you and your crush. I fell in love with my best friend when we were still in college and at first he didn't return my feelings because we were very close and he saw me as a friend.

So he decided to talk to his therapist about me, and she advised him to give me a chance, because he was attracted to me, and this view of having me only as a friend could change after a few dates.

We decided to give it a try and realized that we got along really well as a couple. His passion for me also gradually appeared. We never had a big deal and we are extremely happy together, we got married and bought a house this year.

I thought I was unlovable after letting myself down for so long, and in the end I managed to be in a relationship where I feel infinitely happy and loved.

I hope you are happy with whatever you decide is best for you, you and your friend look great together.