I am really struggling right now with my depression and grief.

I just got out of the hospital on Friday and then found out someone I have known for 22 years passed the same day. I can't sleep really. I can hardly function productively anymore.

I feel like I have no one to talk to who understands anymore.

I want to get a fresh start somewhere new this year and soon, because I don't know what to do. This year is only 21 days in and has been my worst yet.

Does anyone have any advice or resources?

I am so sorry this year has been terrible for you so far. Things will be better eventually, but that is a thought that may not help right now. I am not a therapist or anything in any way shape or form.

I don't know where you are in the world, but I know there are phone numbers all over where you can just call and get someone to talk to. No professional help, but it might help to talk out loud to someone you don't know.

As for the grief, I know the feeling of not being able to function, it is all consuming. I know it is awful to hear, but it will pass. Trust me. At the time I just accepted it, I felt terrible, I let myself feel terrible for a few days (take however long you need). I cried, cried and cried some more in my pj's. I looked at photos and organized all of them. It helped me to remember all the great moments., but we are all different. I vented to (some) people about how awful it all was. the guilt, the devastation of loss. I got some people to be with me, to make me feel loved (in my case my partner, but it can be a friend or family member or a pet even!). They might not have understood my pain, but they loved and accepted me with it. With them I could just be. After a few days I got dressed and that was the big achievement for that day. The day after, I showered and got dressed, BOOM two things. I just kept going. Maybe you need something similiar?

I stopped doing fun stuff for a while because I felt guilty, but in the end I realized I wasn't helping me, the dead or anyone else with that behavior. So I started faking it, I know it sounds bad but, I just put a smile on my face. And after a while I felt the smile again. Not because I was faking it, I felt it again. Fake it until you make it. Doesn't work if you're completly numb to everything I think. But I don't have much experience with that. I went on to do something with a smile on my face that had nothing to do with the dead. In my case work. Collegues knew I was grieving, but they we're never in the same 'bubble' so it was easier to forget my grief there and since I put that smile on my face that morning I started to feel more me again. Yeah it hit home when I got home, but everyday a little bit less. I did as I said put time and energy into photo's, the grave etc. that helped me deal with it. But My partner is the complete opposite. It took him years to be able to look at photos again. So do what feels right for you.

Getting out of the environment that causes you grief does help, but it can also make it worse I think. But honestly I don't know. It depends more on you than onanything else I think.

Thank you. I will try to put my energy in the things I love and enjoy.

As for the environment it is the source of other pains as well that I am not sure I can even talk about here. I think I need time to heal.

Hug! If you ever need to talk you can always smail me. I might not be super fast on the respons (work RL) but you're always welcome!

I'm so sorry to hear of what you're going through. I'm sorry to hear about your loss as well. :(

I can tell you i also have depression due to my environment, even though the past 8 years have been the most stable. Yet, i can't call this place my own -_- Well, i want to also be in a different part of the world, and what's happening currently ain't helping [you know, the C19 stuff].

I started going to a doctor and she gave me some meds and they work [wonders for me, to be honest].

If you hope to ever heal from past/current wounds, that are just TOO deep/painful/shameful, you'll have to speak to someone [a professional, ideally. And of your gender ... it's usually better, that's all. I noticed people are generally more understanding towards kids, elders, and those of their own gender for some weird reason.]

I can feel your pain through the screen. /sending you a virtual hug. I want to tell you things will get better, but this isn't going to be helpful. At this point you can only endure it until you find the opportunity to get out, and not miss out on it. I know you're strong because you made it thus far. hang in there a little longer - you'll know when the time has come. Trying to send you many blessings as well.