So let me preface this by saying I have been VERY irritable the last couple days and I am well aware of that, so i think im extra sensitive to minor annoyances and this may be one of them. That being said I think these concerns are still valid, I just dont want to overreact bc im cranky.

So my bf is a great person. We have not been together super long -- like 8 months or so. He ended up staying the night once in May and has stayed over every night since. This is fine bc i really enjoy having him over. He's super helpful, helps me clean and with groceries, etc. treats my place like he would his own. Takes out the trash and replaced my air filters and lightbulbs n stuff when they go out. Super respectful about my space. I enjoy his company and if he wasn't already staying over, I'd probably be asking him to come over every night anyway. He just kind of comes over by default after work and everything which I've been pretty ok with up til this point.

But I'm also paying a lot of money to live alone and not have a roommate.

I'm rly clean and minimalist and tidy and do not have the furniture / storage space to accommodate his things. I want him to feel comfortable when hes over here so I've been very open about telling him to bring over whatever. But now i always have a little pile of shit on my kitchen table (keys, change, headphones, wallet, a beanie) and a laundry basket full of clothes and blankets and exercise equipment and records (?? i dont have a record player) in my sun room and normally I don't notice it -- but this week I've been mega irritable as I mentioned and I want it clean and I'm hyper aware of how many of his things are just laying around.

Also, he just started a new job working normal 8-4pm hours. He was working a bartender job prior to this so usually working nights and evenings. What this means for me is that I will no longer be alone in my own house ever if I'm not working. I work from home so I'm here during the day -- but I want to be able to decompress in my space sometimes too.

So I need to talk to him abt this, but like I said I've been super annoyed lately and don't want to overreact. He came home today from his first day at his new job feeling very overwhelmed and anxious, so neither of us I feel like are in the best headspace to have a productive conversation.

but ya. idk how to approach this. and I guess my main concern is that I'll tell him all this and then he'll pack up all his shit and go back to his house, and then I'll just be asking him to come over every night so the situation will just be relatively the same?? but maybe it's the asking him to come over part that I need -- the ability to invite him into my space, rather than it just being assumed.

Idk. thoughts?

I think you're perfectly valid feeling unhappy with the current arrangement. seems like maybe there should've been a discussion of boundaries that never happened? that can be hard because sometimes you don't even realize what your boundaries are until someone passes them. I don't really have advice on how to handle that conversation, but I don't think it's unreasonable at all to discuss a different plan regarding how often he stays over, as well as for how much stuff he keeps there because of the space issue. there's definitely a way to communicate that you just need your space sometimes without it sounding like a problem with him in particular and making him feel unwanted. I believe you saying he's a great person and so he should be understanding and be willing to work with you to find a new routine that you're both happy with. if he does have a problem with that for some reason then you learned something new about him and it's probably better that you learned it sooner rather than later.

I wonder if you agreed on a schedule at the beginning of each week, agree on which nights he stays over and which nights you need alone. maybe you could even stay at his place sometimes instead of only yours?

also I completely sympathize with feeling especially irritable sometimes, I've said so many things when I'm feeling that way that I think back and wonder why I felt so strongly. like it's not even that I was unjustified in being bothered about it, it was just the magnitude of how bothered I was that I regretted. anyway, for now maybe write down everything that you're feeling , wait a week, and read it over again. then you can see if any part of it was the irritability and the parts you still agree with you can talk about with him.

oh ash that’s a great idea to write it down and revisit it. Ngl I felt a lot better even after posting this.

I do expect him to take it well, he’s been nothing but understanding and reasonable with conflicts so far. It’s just kind of hard to articulate, bc I’m sure I’ll still want him over almost just as much — I just want to be able to invite him into my space instead of it just being assumed. Maybe it’s some additional autonomy over my environment that I’m needing.

yeah that's a completely reasonable way to feel, wanting autonomy over your own space. it probably doesn't help that it sounds like it happened really suddenly, him starting to spend every night there. I dunno, some people just don't seem to need alone time, like sharing their space with someone else is their natural state, maybe he's that kind of person and it just never occurred to him that you might not be that kind of person too. I'm more like you, having a space that's just mine to decompress and focus only on me sometimes is very important.

another factor that occurred to me is that by always being at your place, he has the freedom to go back to his place to get time for himself whenever he chooses, regardless of whether or not he exercises that option, while you don't have that option, and that's not fair to you. I can't imagine he made the situation that way intentionally, but it's true all the same.

also one last thought, about it being hard to articulate, maybe think about writing down ideally what you'd like to say when you do talk to him as a letter? maybe that could help frame everything you want to say in a way that's still sensitive to his feelings. I dunno, personally I'm a way better writer than speaker so I always try to write things down when I can lol

I hadn’t thought about it that way. Him having the option to go be on his own but not me so much. That’s very true and might be one of the main issues of underlying discomfort

Writing it down seems like a good idea. Like I said I don’t expect him to be anything less than understanding, but it would help me from wavering and disregarding my thoughts or being too aggressive about it, because there’s no need to be. I’ve given him no reason to think I’m uncomfortable with any of it, and if he knew I was I have no doubt he’d respect it

yeah the way I see it, when you're feeling annoyed by something, it's going to find an outlet sooner or later, best it be something inanimate like some ink and a piece of paper lol

I think this is a good place to start. honestly, you've explained it all really well in this post and it's worth using it to reference what you've been feeling about it. do you think anything in particular is triggering the irritability? have you been eating/sleeping alright?

thank you Elliott, I’ve been trying to explain it as best I can even though it’s kind of an odd dynamic. Ya in general my hormones & mental health have been quite literally a roller coaster the last few months. I’m taking care of myself well I think but just generally feeling erratic mentally and emotionally. I don’t trust myself to talk about those things without preparation without getting really defensive unnecessarily or just like crying my eyes out for no reason.

so i think tht ash rly hit the nail on the head, but i just wanna tell u tht ur def not alone in feeling this way and shouldnt feel bad or guilty abt it. ive lived w my bf 4 almost the entire relationship (tl;dr we were gna b roommates first then started hanging out and ya) and even tho its been nearly 3 and a half years i still struggle w feeling like i need My Space and My Time. i think its especially hard w partners bc ppl make u feel guilty 4 feeling like u would want time away from them/2 urself, but like... ppl r different. some ppl need their complete solitude at times, and tht doesnt mean tht u love/care abt the ppl in ur life any less

i have less 2 say in the advice department, but if its not weird maybe suggest a schedule? like say maybe u set it up so he sleeps over on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays. so that way u kno when u will have ur alone time, and ur time with him will probably end up being a lot better bc its almost more of a lil treat lol. as far as keeping ur shit 2gether while u discuss this........ ya idk im not the one 2 help w tht skjhdfg. im horrible at confrontation and start bawling even when im not That Emotional. but i think writing it down is an excellent idea, bc even if u start getting all AAAAAAAHH in ur brain, worst case scenario u can have him read the paper himself. and tht way once ur past level-headed self tht wrote the note has already set a reasonable tone 4 the conversation, it will b easier 2 avoid blurting out emotionally-fueled stuff ykwim

[edit] oh also 4 the issue of his stuff bein all over, do u have room 4 an organizer or smth? like one of those plastic ones w multiple drawers. tht way all his stuff is contained, and the top can b used like a table 4 the stuff like keys and hat thts a bit weird 2 put in a drawer. also idk what ur closet situation is obviously but if u have the space those hanging organizers w all the cubbies r Very Useful

ha well jokes on me bc now i might just ask him to formally move in i got a email about my federal student loan pmts resuming in january and decided to crunch some numbers. im paying on my private loans currently and already losing like $100 from my savings a month so not sustainable. with the added money in jan there is literally no way i can afford them even with income based repayment
i can try to negotiate a fat raise in january, which I can do a little bit but in order to be comfortable it looks like my best bet might be to get a roommate so now i might just have to ask him to move in and still not have my space but at least have an extra $800 a month in my pocket to compensate for it lol dead

oh yea that's a rough spot. If you have to do it, I would suggest going shopping together to find storage spaces for him to hide away his stuff and organize his small piles of things in a way that you can deal with

see that's the thing -- if he moves in he HAS furniture cuz he has it at his current house so thats an added bonus i cannot believe i went from "how do i tell my bf to get out of my house" to "oh shit i think i need my bf to live with me for financial reasons" in 24 hrs but hes here anyway and i think id prefer to live with him than a rando

well luckily if living 2gether is now the norm rather than not, i think it will b a bit easier 2 set boundaries abt having ur space/time. personally id try 2 frame it in a "im not used 2 having roommates, so i would just like 2 have a set me time 2 avoid any negative outbursts happening while we both adjust 2 this change" or w/e. bc even if hes there all the time anyways it is still a change

thats a great idea i havent talked to him yet bc the idea of living w somebody just kinda freaks me out even though essentially thats already kind of what we're doing, just without the financial commitment i think this reflects more on me and my issues tho. ive always been the one to end relationships and just kinda sever ties abruptly and kinda float off into my own existence and the fact that i don't have that level of control if i live w someone kinda freaks me out not that i am planning on doing that, but i feel secure having the option.