I went 2 a queer event on campus the other day and my ex was there which was,,, distressing

They didnt say anything 2 me and i was able 2 avoid them but it was,,, rlly uncomfortable

I saw som1 i had seen a few times at my college gay club n was like 'heyyy,,, im gonna sit here now cause i see my abusive ex'

I feel,,, complicated about labeling them as a person as 'abusive' tho. Its easier 2 say 'abusive ex' than 'ex who is very mentally ill which resulted in them behaving in a manner that one could label as abusive' but like,,, feels bad 2 do that

Cause on the 1 hand, i w*sh them the best. I dont want to lable them as an abusive person bc i dont rlly feel like anyone is inherently abusive, and i rlly believe that ppl can grow and change (At the same time, i dont rlly care if they change, i dont want them 2 b in my life anymore)

. A lot of how they treated me was directly linked 2 their mental illness. They had untreated BPD and like, it really impacted how they treated evry1 around them. I dont want to imply their BPD is what made them abusive, cause like i kno plenty of folks w bpd who would never, for example, throw something at me cause it was in their way as we were leaving the room 4 class. Like i think im afraid if i label them abusive ppl might think im calling them that cause they were mentally ill or w/e

IDK how much sense this all makes anyway. But its like, i feel bad labeling them abusive bc i dont think they sat down and were like "mwahaha 2day im going to Abuse my Boyfriend >:)" but at the same time, regardless of what their intent was, their actions still f*cked w me in some kinda way that im still dealing with

i think u bring up a lot of rly good, valid points dude. first i just wanna reaffirm tht u r absolutely justified in feeling like their actions towards u were abusive. imo its complicated bc like u kinda said calling some1 Abusive brings up all these assumptions tht dnt fit ur situation, and thts not smth u need 2 explain. maybe in situations like tht a better word 2 use would b toxic? 2 me tht seems less Intense than abusive ykwim. i h8 tht the word is kinda memed on nowadays bc it does have its place

im sry u had 2 deal w tht tho, just a whole icky thing 2 have 2 go thru in what u think is gna b a safe place : (

It's a really tough thing to consider when dealing with a partner with a mental illness, particularly with one as highly stigmatized and difficult to manage/live with as BPD. I also think as mentally ill people ourselves, we give a lot more grace to the negative ways that others treat us because we understand how MI can influence the way we treat others, and do regretful things when we're experiencing certain symptoms of MI.

It sounds like they at least acted in an abusive manner towards you. I totally get why don't want to label this person as "abusive" and agree that it's another stigmatizing label that doesn't always address the complexity of a situation. Idk if it would help to just label the behaviors as abusive, rather than the whole person. Or acknowledge that u experienced abuse in your relationship with ur former partner. If their actions f*cked with u in ways ur still dealing with, this much is true.

At the end of the day, i guess we use words/labels to help us understand and process our experiences. It sounds like label "abusive" comes with connotations that u aren't necessarily comfortable with at this point. I think if the label helps u process what happened to u, go ahead and dont worry about the impact of the label on that person and prioritize ur healing. otherwise, I'd say find ways to label the actions/behaviors in a way that acknowledges the negative impact they had on u, without reducing the person down to that one label

; i think toxic is a good word 2 use when im in situations where i need a short hand 4 'i dont want this person near me' but i dont want 2 write tbem off as irredemable or evil

; i think that like, 4 me personally im comfortable calling them abusive and our relationship abusive but i struggle w calling them that 2 ppl im not close 2

I was talkin w my bf about it last night n like, something i realized was that im afraid of them overhearing me refer 2 them as abusive (or it getting back to them thst i called them that) and then getting rlly defensive about it. I think w toxic theres less a risk of them getting defensive cause like,,, they broke up w me bc they 4 once had enough self awareness 2 realixe they were bein toxic

I think its like. The person they were to me and are to me right now is my abusive ex. Cause their actions r in the past and thst cant change. But i dont want 2 rlly refer to who they are now as i herently abusive cause i dont want them to have an excuse 2 never change.

I wrote out a response to this based on just the thread title & I've been waiting to actually load the posts 2 see if it's relevant and appropriate. but I'm just gonna send in my response to the title question so it's here when subeta works again :K & I will check back

I wish I knew!!! I've been asking myself this for years and always struggled to recognize that someone IS hurting me & that it's a pattern bc it feels like writing off every bit of them as Bad. the problem with an abuser who's close to me is that I probably know them really well and I'm inclined to be empathetic because I have a good idea of why they act that way, and why they aren't understanding that they need to stop, but - they still have power over me, and they are abusing it, and they aren't stopping.

it helps with this (and my self image tbh) to try and stop thinking of of Good People and Bad People & say. I am doing these things that are helpful in these ways, or harmful in these ways. and this person has done these things and shows no sign of actually changing, whatever they might say.

the other thing I don't know how to handle is deciding when other people should know about someone's abusive behavior, and weighing the potential outcome. I have known a couple of trans women who were awful on an individual level, but they didn't have the power to continue hurting people once they were outside their immediate influence. Spreading information about them to anyone not directly involved would more than likely just subject them to transmisogyny and actually ruin their lives, and really do fuck all for the people they'd hurt + remove them from any kind of social support that might actually allow them to grow :/

EDIT: okay of course now I can load everything as soon as I said that. but it sounds like you've got a lot of the same worries as I do - I'm also afraid of the backlash of my ex getting defensive if I put it in concrete terms that. well. she was emotionally manipulative and tbh did gaslight and hurt me quite a lot, and the fact that she thinks her reasons for doing so - basically, shutting down and preempting anything she perceives as criticism of her as a person, which I understand is painful for her due to her own abuse - DO NOT negate how much she hurt me, & my pain doesn't challenge the existence of hers - I need to stop believing it does.

I think Elliott is right & basically, you should look to taking care of yourself at this point. You know you're not being malicious if you do say "abusive," but like, do what's going to help you heal. it also makes sense if you're only comfortable bringing out that word when you're with someone who is familiar with the situation. it is a heavy one.