i've been going back and forth on whether or not to take T for over a decade now. i thought i had 'decided' i wasn't going to take it bc of how it would interact with my ocd and also my dad's genetics (male pattern baldness showed up for him in his mid twenties pretty badly, which is the same age i'm at now) and i'm also like,,,really scared of looking & sounding too much like him bc he's not a good person and stuff (it's complicated). but yeah anyway i am Reconsidering bc for some reason i only just remembered after watching a nonbinary video that you don't have to take T forever and the dosage can be measured for the kind of results you want etc. i basically dont wanna be a big burly dude (nothing wrong with big burly dudes ofc, it's just not my jam personally) and want to maintain a somewhat androgynous but male-leaning appearance/expression.

ANYWAY huge ramble aside: if you're trans/nb and on hrt, how did you come to the decision to go ahead with it? did you have any doubts about it? how long did it take for you to decide? was it hard getting access to hrt? how did your family/friends react when they starting seeing changes? i'm just looking to hear people's different experiences and anything you're comfy with sharing about it!

thank you for reading :)

hiiii so I've been on low-dose T for 6 months now, and the thought process you described is exactly how I was feeling, a lot of apprehension in general cuz i didnt wanna go 'too far" or whatever and I feel like I just wanted to pick and choose what I got from HRT which, yknow, u can't.

ultimately I was like, I'm gonna have dysphoria on either end of the hormone spectrum so I might as well see what this does. I wasn't afraid of any of the possible permanent changes, especially starting on a low dose (some of the stuff like hair loss comes after a longer while) and the idea of being able to start and stop was appealing. I'd been considering it for 4-5 yrs at that point

I'm just starting to feel more significant changes now and I really like it more personal *** below

I only told a few friends who r nice and have mentioned some things in passing but r mostly chill about it. have not told my family, i'm honestly not sure about that one. i dont think changes r enough for them to notice yet and idk when im planning on telling them. but they dont really "get" it about me already. so I dont wanna hve to explain everything about my body and dysphoria and everything. idk what im gonna do about that one lol

luckily it was pretty easy for me to access as i already go to a lgbtq+ health center

but yea im happy 2 talk about it more or answer any questions u may have!

4 me like once i realized i was trans it was rlly a matter of 'when' rather than 'if'

i cam out as trans at 18 when i realized that was an option (tho i had been presenting as male online since i was about 14 lol)

i didnt rlly have an opportunity 2 get on t until i was 24. it'll b 3 years 4 me in january (nice)

my biggest worry was i hav pmdd (which is like, bc Hormones my PMS symptoms includ extreme depression) and i had been on continuous hormonal birth control to cope w that

my doc started me on a lower dose and at weekly injections instead of the standard bi weekly.

there was a lil while there where my insurance stopped covering injections and i had 2 switch to topical. The patches were rlly nice- my mood felt incredibly stable and i saw more changes on the patch than i had on injections (i had been on them for about a year at that point)

i had rlly bad skin reactions tho, so i switched to gel which i didnt rlly like so my doc was able to justify switching me back 2 injections

as far as changes i saw, they were rlly slow 4 me cause i started on such a lower dose. like i only rlly got facial hair,,,, in the past 3 months or so lol. My voice has gotten deeper but i struggle 2 use my chest voice so it doesnt rlly pass (but thats rlly cause i have anxiety an p much always talk in a higher register)

its gotten a lot easier 2 sing lower songs tho, which is nice.

Also i did grow two inches in the first few months. Like,,, ur not supposed to. If ur gonna grow at all on T, it usually only happens if u start before you turn 21, but i did go from 5'2 to 5'4

i have a Complicated relationship w my dad, and like, whats kind of sad is every day i look more and more like him. its rlly bittersweet and kinda sad, but like even tho i can see impressions of him in my own face, it's still my own. there's still a lot of my mom there, and a lot of just,,, Me there. Even if u change to look more like ur dad, you'll still be your own person

i thought this was going in a MUCH different direction dskjfhg

honestly, I didn't know for sure that it was Right until I started it, and it started solving problems I had that I didn't realize were even related to dysphoria.

I started last year, and I think it did take a bunch of stuff happening that made me start thinking - I NEED to do something to feel better, and I can probably cope with whatever changes happen if I decided it's not right. I was posting about it on twitter and a trans guy I've met a couple of times/is a friend of a friend offered to talk to me and answer questions - I've had a couple of friends on T offer that before, and I did talk to them, but I also didn't really know what questions to ask yet? I asked him what he wished he'd known before starting, and he said some very helpful stuff about what he'd internalized about T making people distant or angry, and how it's bullshit.

Most of what I've heard about HRT has been from trans people, which in some ways is rad, but people also just aren't very good at giving objective information about themselves. I haven't had a lot of close friends on T, and the way I've heard most people talk about the emotional effects is like - "I can't cry, I don't feel my emotions as hard," but for me, it's been most comparable to when I started taking antipsychotic meds. I feel like my emotions are more proportional and appropriate now, and I don't feel as horribly dissociated from my body, like my emotions are actually something I'm experiencing rather than a thing that's happening to me. I've been dealing with a stack of mental illnesses for a very long time, and I was scared that something messing with my emotions or making them harder to feel was going to be a setback, but it's not like that at all, and it's hard to explain.

"girl" children get a lot of bs messaging about how hormones are making them rational or irrational or emotional or whatever, and the counterpoint of "testosterone makes you stupid/aggressive/whatever" is also bullshit. so I've never had a clear idea of how I was supposed to feel with the hormones I had, and I think trans people I've known really fucked up on correlation vs. causation when they talk about it. like. I could say that I feel "less emotional" on testosterone, because I'm not miserable. I don't want or need to cry when I don't feel bad. estrogen wasn't making me crazy, dysphoria was. it's hard to know that's going to be the case if you haven't experienced both!

but yeah, I wasn't 100% sure but thought, fuck it, I might as well talk to the people here who do gender-affirming care - that's their job. it helped to be told that the feelings I described were similar to patients who benefited from T. that was the first time I'd really ever talked to a healthcare provider who actually talked about HRT the way a doctor would normally talk about any medication - it sounds appropriate for your symptoms, it has these associated effects and risks, there are some things we don't know and can't predict, etc., so I highly recommend talking to someone professional with actual experience treating trans patients - it was super comforting and helpful, and you don't have to decide anything! I wish that were accessible to everyone & I hate that it's not, so I hope you can find that - def look at reviews.

my family is garbage on this and I don't talk about them lmao :| I talked to an old therapist earlier this year and she seemed pleased that she could hear me talking more easily - I like my voice so much more now and I'm a chronic mumbler/quiet talker, and it's been getting better. I don't think I look super different yet, so it's mainly voice.

(& also I am tired of "orgasms are better on estrogen" propaganda, it's again, imo, "orgasms are better when your body feels good, which is subjective" and I'm so mad about how worried I was that sex would be worse?? ugh)

I hope this is legible, I'm having vacation smoke.

omg you guys are the best, reading everyone's responses has been super helpful and reassuring! i have to go out today but when i come back, i'll be writing individual replies to people. i just wanted to acknowledge that i've seen your responses and i'm really grateful that you've shared your t experiences with me <3

ok i am back!! this post is probably gonna be incredibly long so brace yourselves, fellas

omg i'm so relieved that that feeling of apprehension is normal. i was worried that everyone who takes t is just 100% sure with zero doubts lol saying that now tho, i realise it isn't very accurate :')

that's actually SUCH a good way of looking at it and def how i'm feeling now that you mention it! i guess i've got nothing to lose in that sense bc i'm really finding that the longer i do nothing about my dysphoria, the worse it seems to be getting (rn it feels pretty constant & unbearable). at this point, it's either do something about it asap or fall back into Very Bad Habits that help with some parts of the dysphoria but are only temporary bc it would eventually k word me if i did the Bad Thing forever (sorry if that's TMI, i'm thinking out loud rn). also i'm really glad i'm not the only one who's thought about taking t for so long without still having done so 🙃 i always worried that that was a sign that i wasn't meant to try it bc if i truly wanted to, i would have by now. but then also i guess you could flip that around and say that if i wasn't meant to try it, why would i still be thinking about it after all this time?

oh sweet, i'm super happy for you that you're starting to see those changes you were hoping for!! neopets clap emoji i feel like that sense of having more confidence would probably come up for me too after taking t for a while, bc i currently feel so insecure due to dysphoria that like...i just hate socialising in any capacity bc of how people perceive me and the sound of my voice just drives me absolutely nuts, i hate it. one thing i'm worried about tho is what you mentioned around having a sex drive now bc i've identified as ace for years and i'm v comfortable with that as it suits my lifestyle and keeps things simple for me ig?? so if i suddenly just started experiencing libido when it was previously absent or barely noticeable, idk what i would do with that tbh. is it ok to ask (and def no pressure at all in answering bc ofc it's a v personal question) - how far along on your hrt journey were you when you started noticing it?

and that's v understandable about only telling people who you trust and you know are gonna 'get it'! it really hurts when you tell family or loved ones and they either don't take it well or just don't fully respect it. i hope whatever does happen around your family potentially knowing one day, that it goes better than you expect and you're respected at the v least. <3

oh that's really good, i'm glad it was easy to access for you! i was going to an lqbtqia+ health center for a while in 2019 so maybe i should start going back there in order to explore my options some more. i also 'have' (i've only seen her once nearly a year ago) a GP who's pretty clued in on trans issues and the ins and outs of medical transitioning and who to be referred to for that kind of thing. so maybe i'll start with her!

if you don't mind me asking, did you have to see a psychiatrist at all in order to get access to t? i know in australia you have to have a psych evaluation for gender reassignment surgeries but i can't remember if that went for hormones as well 🤔 also i know that's probably a dumb question since the health system in australia is different to other countries but idk, i thought i'd ask anyway!

oh dude i had such a similar experience where i presented as male online since 15 and realised (tho didn't come out) that i was trans at 18!

omg congrats on being on t for nearly 3 years now, that's so awesome!! i'm so glad you were able to get the opportunity to medically transition in the end. also that makes me feel a bit better about being so 'late' to fully consider all of this bc i'm nearly 27 and i know some trans folk have had hrt and gender reassignment surgeries by their mid twenties and i'm like?? wow i need to hurry up

that's an understandable concern for sure. i don't have any kind of diagnosis but i experience such extreme pms that's only started getting better really recently. so yeah, v valid to be taking that into consideration! and i hope that that's going better for you now.

interesting, i've noticed that injections seem to be the preferred method for a lot people. personally i can only see myself using the gel or patches at this point, so i'm v curious (only if you're comfy with answering!) - what didn't you like about the gel? i'm happy for you that you were able to get injections again instead tho! it sounds you have a v supportive and understanding dr.

for some reason i imagined growing facial hair kinda early on, but clearly i didn't take the dosage into consideration there. it's good to know tho bc i think i would probably need to stop t once i started getting facial hair. oh and i feel you there, i often talk in a voice that's uncomfortably high for me bc of anxiety, which then prevents me from passing most of the time. friggin sucks, huh? fingers crossed that's something you'll be able to change in time if that's what you want for yourself tho! <3

oh i was curious about whether people grow a bit taller at all after starting t! my dad was really tall so i often wonder about that. it sounds like it's supposed to be uncommon from what you're saying tho?

i'm sorry to hear you've got a Complicated relationship with your dad too. that's really brave of you to keep going with t despite seeing your dad in yourself at times now. maybe that's something i'll just have to accept if i want to ease the dysphoria, like a trade-off. i just think i already look soo much like him, so idk what the 'tipping point' for that would be, if you know what i mean. thank you tho, that's really comforting, i think trying to remember that i'm still my own person is gonna be pretty important if i do go ahead with this.

me too omg!! glad that wasn't just me asdfghjkl;

interesting, so you were a little apprehensive about it too before starting? i'm glad you realised that it was for you despite that!

ohhh that's exactly how i'm feeling rn - like i need to do something about this very very soon bc it honestly can't wait much longer. and i think that's a helpful perspective to have - that it's worth trying and the changes will probably be bearable if it turns out it's not for you. i'm kinda seeing a theme of that line of thinking in this thread and it's actually so helpful. that's really great you had someone who was willing to talk openly about their experience on t with you and answer any questions. i was worried about what people say re t making people angry/aggressive so i'm relieved to hear that it's utter BS!

ah that's really good to know. i've heard a little bit about people experiencing their emotions differently after taking t and that those emotions have become more bearable/easier to deal with and that would honestly be so good for me, i think. even what you said about feeling like your emotions are now something you're experiencing rather than something happening to you sounds like my ideal headspace/way of processing. i would just love to have that ability. that's interesting bc i was worried about the same thing - i have a long list of mental disorders too and hearing about how t can potentially effect them made me quite unsure about the whole thing, so knowing that it can have a positive effect for people in that regard is such a relief. i'm really glad you've find it helpful in that area rather than a hindrance!

that's such a good point. i feel like i've really internalised that whole idea of hormones making you basically unable to trust your own feelings/emotions bc hormones = suddenly irrational?? or something like that.. but that def makes sense and i really have a feeling that "estrogen wasn't making me crazy, dysphoria was" is gonna apply to me bc so much of my mental health/pms/general anguish comes down to me feeling so incredibly uncomfortable in my body and like people are only seeing the 'girl costume' and not the person underneath it, if you get what i mean.

omg it is honestly SO comforting that other people out there were unsure about t but found that it was right for them in the end. all this time i've been really scared about going on t being a mistake for me (perhaps partially bc people around me were telling me they were worried it would 'fuck me up', ugh) and have been trying to just live with the dysphoria, i guess. which clearly isn't working :) but anyway, that's really awesome and def sounds like a good direction to explore. i think like you said, just being able to ask questions to a trained doc about it will help too. i'll take your advice and check out some reviews first - i hadn't even thought to do that!

that's fair enough, i'm sorry your fam sucks tho :(

aw that's really nice and v encouraging bc i'm the same with my voice - i've always been really quiet/'soft spoken' (as everyone likes reminding me) and having a voice i actually feel like is my own & that i'm comfy with would help so much with that. i'm happy for you that you're able to to talk more easily now! it must be really freeing for you <3

interesting, idk much about orgasms since i'm ace but i did read on a hrt info pdf that orgasms were better on t rather than estrogen haha so it must be false if no one can get their facts straight on which one it is :') that sucks you were worrying so much about nothing tho!! i'm sorry you had to experience that bc of the Propaganda >:(

btw i feel like all i've been saying is 'same here', 'me too', 'same here', 'me too' but for real....same here.

holy shit that was so long, i'm sorry friends!! don't feel obliged to reply to every single point i've made! i'm kinda just having a brain dump here i think aha

thank you guys so much for having this discussion with me, i'm so grateful to be able to talk about this with people who get it <3

; i mean,,,,, yes alkdfhadl but also literally. i built a lofted bed just b4 i started t w/ enough clearance 4 if ur 5'2 but then i started hitting my head on it, it was tragic

; transistioning should b on ur own time, there's no such thing as too late imo. i knew a guy who started his transistion at 40 and like, it really made such a huge difference 4 him in a rlly short time

gel or patches might actually b rlly good 4 u tbh. one of the downsides is u can't get as high a dose as injections, but in ur case that's probably a plus. i know a few nb folks who prefer the topical options cause it is such a lower level. Lower levels may not cause menses to stop, so if thats an issue 4 u defo bring it up w ur doc as well

the gel was fine, but my biggest problem w it was worries about cross contamination. i have a bby brother who visits sometimes and like if i dont make sure it's washed off my skin or surfaces he may touch it could mess w his endocrine system and trigger early puberty

another problem was my cat started bein s*xually active :/ it's calmed down since i've stopped topical but like,,,, he's fixed

part of that rlly was cause i would put it on at night b4 bed. to reduce risk of cross contamination, ur supposed 2 put it on in the morning after a shower on areas that get covered by clothes. if u go the gel route, talk 2 ur doc about how long u need to wait between application and showers and that sort of thing

:) :) :) please know that I am rooting for you to find whatever works for you! it can be a really scary process to even think about because of the culture we're in, but you deserve the treatment and support that's gonna help you feel your best, not just like. a tolerable level of constant bleh. & I'm happy to talk to you here or in DMs if you have anything else you want to say/ask.

ahh that's really comforting to know! i can't imagine having to wait 40 years to transition, that sounds tortuous D: i'm glad that he was able to get access to that and start feeling better tho c:

ooh i see, thanks for letting me know! i'll def have to inquire about that bc my cycles are such a huge source of dysphoria for me, so hopefully that can be worked in somehow.

jeez, that makes total sense but also,,, that sounds like it was so stressful D: i guess it's good that i already don't hug or have physical contact with anyone, but i would worry about my cat for sure bc he's the only living creature i touch. i'm sorry you had that happen with you & your cat, that sounds so conflicting tbh

oh hmmm i would have that habit too i think. i can only ever shower at night (ocd lol) so that's something i'll have to take into consideration too 🤔 damn i thought gel would be so easy but there's actually a lot more that goes into it!

thank you so much wallace, i really appreciate it!! this whole convo has helped me a lot to look at the situation in a more practical way. i think i'm def going to see a doc to ask some more questions about t at the very least! gotta get this shit sorted 🏳️‍🌈

yea for me it was def just getting to a certain point and being like, there’s no way T could make things worse? And finding myself falling into certain Bad Habits as well. I was worried about the same thing, I think because a lot of popular trans narratives are still “I knew by age 5 and have been sure I wanted it ever since” which is valid but not my experience at all. I pretty much started right after my 27th birthday and I’m still on a very low dose because I still wanna take it slow.

It’s definitely an interesting experience. My libido has varied and I’ve always ID’d as bisexual, but also very much felt I was on the ace spectrum and was comfortable with it. I’m also pretty comfortable in my sexuality at this point so it’s given me momentum to expand my horizons. I find it fun. I noticed it prob after a couple months, but it’s gotten a lot more intense over the past month or so to the point where I’m like, I need to do something about this (which is not rly something ive ever experienced). I’m having fun. There’s no way of knowing how it might affect you in that way, but if it ever does, I’m happy to talk about it :)

& thank you <3 my family is pretty good and it’ll prob go better than im anticipating but ill give it more time and more therapy lol.

Yea i know nothing about AU healthcare. In the US, it’s a mess with different states and insurance companies requiring different things. The place I go to has integrated care, so I was already going to a GP, therapist, and psychiatrist who regularly communicate so I didn’t need to take any extra steps. I’m glad yours is already clued in on trans issues! Might be worth mentioning it to her. And I’ll always HIGHLY recommend the lgbtqia+ health center, it’s their job to know what steps you have to take and just respect ur personhood in general.

Best of luck, I’m still happy to talk and answer more questions :)

oh damn, i'm really sorry you went through the same thing! :( and yes omg that narrative always gets me bc i didn't realise something was 'up' with my gender until i was about 11 or 12 and it was only last year that i fully figured out i was nonbinary. it took a long time! ahh that sounds like the best birthday present tbh, i hope i'll be able to get on t by then if i go ahead with it!

it sounds like we have a similar experience, as i've identified as panromantic & asexual for quite a few years, so it'll be interesting to see if that changes in any way if/when i take t. that's really good you're comfy and happy with the direction your sexuality has taken for you though, that gives me hope aha

i'm really sorry if it came across that i was assuming your family might not take it well, i was probably projecting there! i'm glad you don't feel like you need to rush into it, that makes the whole process a bit easier, i think.

i've been hearing a lot of not-good things about insurance companies in the US, it sounds like people often have to jump through a lot of hoops just to get the help they need. luckily we don't quite have that kind of system here. already having a team of people like the gp/therapist/psych seems like it's useful though, so that's good to know. i feel like my therapist and gp would def back me up if i needed some kind of extra help with getting access to t, which is comforting. i think i'll see if the gp can refer me to our lgbtqia+ health center again too. thank you for reminding me they exist bc i always forget they're available to me!

thanks so much again for talking this through with me elliott! <3 i feel a lot more optimistic about the whole situation now.