My mom passed away in January of this year, and we still haven't had any kind of service for her. Initially we held off on a funeral because of covid, but we (my dad, my sister, and I) all agreed that we would eventually have a memorial service for her once things were safer. After a few months I tried to talk to my dad about planning for something after we all get vaccinated (we have since been vaccinated) and he got really upset and didn't want to talk about it. It's become clear to me that my dad doesn't want to say goodbye to her, and that's why he won't talk about doing any planning.

I understand how he feels, but I feel like my mom deserves to have her life celebrated, and it hurts me that we haven't been able to do that for her. I did bring it up again a couple moths ago, and my dad said that maybe we could do something in August, but then we just never talked about it again.

I really want to offer to do the planning for my dad, but I just don't know where to start. I want to do something small and tasteful without hurting our budget. If anyone has advice on how I can plan things, or how I can talk to my dad about this, I would really appreciate it.

For context: My dad is 61, my mom was 54 (she died of an aneurysm), and I am 28

So very sorry on your mother's passing. Such a painful time, and during a pandemic nonetheless. It is a very normal thing your father is experiencing, albeit painful for you to have to process on top of everything else. I am wondering what your sister thinks about all this. Have you two talked about it together?

My sister doesn't seem to want to talk about it either. The one time I talked to her she mentioned that she didn't want to do anything if she would have to give a speech. I told her she didn't have to speak. She has really severe anxiety and I don't want to stress her out more by talking about this. I figured that once we finally get into the planning phase I'll ask her if she wants to be involved in any way.

I have talked to my dad about this since I made this post. I told him how important this was to me, and he said, "yeah, we need to do something". But we still haven't started any planning. I've thought about talking to my aunt about this since she has experience planning funerals for my grandparents, but I don't want to do that behind my dad's back.

I'm sorry to read about your mom passing at such a young age. RIP :( Perhaps you can talk to the aunt and she could talk your father into starting the planning for the memorial? Maybe it would be easier for her to get through to him. Or you could inform him you'll start planning the event with the aunt, and ask him when does he have some free time, to set the date for then. And he can decide if he wants to show up or not. Same for your sister. Tell them they don't need to talk, that being there will be enough. You all need some sort of closure and saying good bye.

I would consider trying to do a small memorial with any family or friends that she had, maybe at a park or somewhere that she enjoyed or may have enjoyed. This will help when it comes to funds and memorializes her in a special and more "close" manner. Offer for your dad to come but if he doesn't want to partake that's perfectly fine as he is (seems to be) processing her death in a more internal, personal way.

Please make sure that he is taking care of himself - Losing a family member, especially a spouse who've you been with for so many years, could potentially be like losing a best friend or soul mate (if that was their kind of relationship). Same thing for yourself as her child; Don't forget to take care of yourself as well. <3