This may be a tad depressing since it’s June, but...I’m starting my undergrad degree in the fall. It’s meant to be a super accepting school but I’ve been hiding my identity (nonbinary and bisexual) from my family for a large portion of my life. Now that I’m actually able to move away, I want to change that and become the person I actually am while I’m at school...but getting both the university and the professors to recognize that is just so, so hard. There’s ways I can change my preferred name on campus, but they seem to have no recognition that some people may not be out around family as all the mail they send will be marked with that. So I have to risk my family finding out, or just ignoring it all together and hoping that the people I meet will respect my name and pronouns. And then, I’ll have to mid gender and deadname myself on every document and form. This is just really frustrating. I know these things never get easier but I just feel lost.

First, I'm really sorry you're going through that. Coming out can be a difficult process, and being sort of half-in-half-out of the closet is a challenge.

Does the school have a LGBTQ resource center, or other queer-affirming office like a diversity/inclusion one? If there isn't an official office or department, is there a student organization that is meant for LGBTQ students? Larger schools tend to have proper departments, while smaller ones often have student orgs. (Keep in mind this is mostly in the US, as that's my reference point.) Those groups tend to have information about ways where it might be possible to have any documents sent home keep your legal name.

Certain departments--typically English, women's & gender studies, and so on--may also have LGBTQ-friendly staff and faculty. Depending on your major, it might actually be the norm for faculty to refer to students by their preferred name. Before my school had the option to set a preferred name, I would just email them before the semester with a brief explanation that I went by a name other than my legal one. Any professor who messed up typically did it out of forgetfulness (still sucked), but not malice. Of course, I was English/history, which are way more accepting than other departments.

I hope things work out for you and that you can find a way to live as who you are at school!

thank you, I really appreciate the kind words. :)

There is a proper LGBT organization, but so far I haven’t heard anything back from them other than info from their website.

I’m in a STEM field so it may be a little harder but supposedly there are safeguards in place to report intentional misgendering and such. Right now I’m mostly trying to see if I can get the school to recognize my name without unintentionally outing me, as their policy seems to be accepting to the point where they use it even in things like tuition notices. Which could easily be seen by family, unfortunately. :(

I’m sure things will get better eventually, but it’s definitely something I’m not used to.

Just throwing a thought out there... I used my parents address for a lot of college things myself and can Kind've understand the frustration.. Would it be possible to get a PO box at your local post office and have the school change the address to the PO box? You'd want to make sure it was changed on All of their files, but it's a thought. I wish you luck. hugs

this was one of the ideas I had to maybe fix the situation. I think it just might work! Right now I’m trying to get it paid for and maybe set one up, so it’s just a waiting game right now. Thank you for the support, it means a lot :)

I have only been using Subeta for about three weeks, but I wish I could have seen this post sooner. I know it has been months since you posted this, but you are doing well. You deserve to have people around you who respect you for who you are. I hope you have found a new support system.

I am 23, and I came out this year as bisexual. Thankfully, I have a very accepting (and mostly queer) family, which made things a lot easier. Unfortunately, I lost quite a few friends/acquaintances who were unaccepting of my identity. While I ultimately am glad that those people outed themselves as homophobic, it was still hard losing those friendships.

, I'm new here, but wanted to see how things turned out if you don't mind me asking? I'm a 36 year old demisexual/bisexual with a 13 year old nonbinary {daughter}.

Thank you both first of all for the well wishes :) I have been very lucky that everyone I have met so far has been very accepting. I have managed to get everyone (even my professors) to use my preferred name and pronouns with very little issue. My mail still has my deadname but thankfully I only need to see that when I return home. I’ve also joined a LGBT student group and a group for trans students on my campus and have made a number of very accepting friends that way. I’m afraid I haven’t been active for a while due to finals and such, so I’m sorry it took so long to give an update. Things have, indeed, gotten better and I am much less stressed now.

That's fantastic to hear!! I'm so glad things went so smoothly for you! Your professors sound like amazing people as well, that's awesome of them and I think it's beautiful that they have the understanding and acceptance that they do! LGBT and Trans groups are perfect! Definitely a great way to make friends and feel accepted, while making others feel accepted too! I hope your finals went well!! Always, education first! When do you get your marks back? I bet you did brilliantly with the stress lifted!!