A little backstory first... I am a full time caregiver to my Aunt who has Dementia, she can still some things but still can't be left alone. Anyways In 2020, we lost my Dad and he was also living in the home which i was taking care of them both. Last year my younger sister who is 34 moved back from Calgary. I told her she could move in with us and she did, for the first few months it was going fine until I told her she would have to pay 200 dollars a month for furnace oil and she was good up until a few months when my brother asked me for her share of the bill, I wouldn't have it. On top of that she never help with any house work and always had something to say about either us or the house. I was emotionally and mentality abused by my father so I grew to be non confrontational. I hate arguments and usually just shut up and walk away. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells every time she is home and I can't even turn the light on to go downstairs. She constantly complains about the condition of the house or our aunt when I told her before she came home what to expect when living here because of her illness. This all came to a head tonight when I went to put something in the garbage and found a large bag of garbage in there which wasn't sorted and where I live they are very strict about sorting garbage. My brother was here and I asked him they won't take that will they and he went outside and said no and threw it in the back of his truck. He came in and a argument started , the topic of money came up and he said from now on the 200 needs to be hand over at the beginning of the month so he can go get heating oil. She blew up and when my brother left, she said it was my fault and she never wants anything to do with us again. I'm heartbroken because I don't want to lose my sister and I feel if I didn't say anything about the 'rent' everything would be fine. She won't talk to me and still insists it was all my doing.
I don't know how to fix it.

It seems like a really tough situation that you are in and I know that there is not an easy decision, because it seems like whatever choice you make, you feel like you stand to lose something.

First of all, let me tell you that you are a very strong lady and you have taken on a heavy responsibility and have not regretted making the choice to care for your elders. That takes a lot. I know that caring for anyone with a special need is exhausting, mentally and physically. But dementia is a whole other level and my hat goes off to people, like you, who take that role in stride.

Saying that, you seem to have the personality of care taker. You want to make everyone happy and you take on everyone else's burdens, just hoping to keep the peace. Take my advice (been there, done that [still maybe do that a little]), STOP DOING THAT!!!!! Taking on everyone else's problems and not standing up for yourself is making things much harder than necessary.

You say you are taking care of your aunt and living in the family home. I am going to give you my advice/opinion and it might be a hard decision to make, but you will be much better off, I promise.

Your aunt is elderly and has a condition that warrants the need for constant care. That situation seems to be one that, while it has its struggles, you seem to be able to handle it. HOWEVER..... Your sister is a whole different story! She lived on her own up to a few months ago. She is a grown ass woman who has the ability to take care of herself and she is taking advantage of you. SHAME ON HER!!!! You have A LOT on your plate and do not need that extra baggage. She is not doing you any favors by being there. You are having to take care of your aunt and go behind her to clean her mess and financially support her as well. OH NO HONEY!!!! I have sisters as well and I have grown children. Let me tell you, I don't play that game. If you are able bodied, you better get off your ass and pull your weight.

Your sister is using you and she knows that she can because she knows you will just swallow it and she will get her way. She isn't overburdened. YOU ARE!!! he is living on easy street my dear and you are allowing it. So let me tell you, do not be afraid of making waves! Your sister is a Class A bully. And the best way to handle bullies is stand your ground. She will push back at first, because she knows from past experience, you will eventually back down.

DO NOT BACK DOWN! Stand your ground. Taking on so much just to keep the peace is going to run your ragged. You need to take care of yourself. If your burn out, who will be there for your aunt, who is the one who really needs you??? Your sister sure won't take that on. So lay down some rules. Sit down and make a chart of who will do what around the house and stick to it. Do not pick up her slack. If she has something negative to say, you don't have to be rude, but you can correct her and call her out. Once she sees that you will no longer be pushed around, 2 things will happen. Either she will change or she will leave. Either way, you win. And if she chooses her pride over her family, you really are not losing anything. Your burdens were a whole lot less before your sister moved in, so if she chooses to leave rather than be an adult, let her go. Your aunt needs you. Your sister doesn't. Its long past time that she grows up. And you need to stop being a door mat.

Thanks for the advice. She is hopefully moving out next month and the rest of the family is in agreement she should leave. When she does, it will be less stressful for both me and my Aunt.

Well, I know that you are upset because you love your sister and want to have her in your life. But you have a lot on you, with taking care of your aunt. You really do not need this negativity and burden. I can already see that it has been weighing on you. It might be hard for you, but when the time comes, let her go. I hope that you get some relief soon. I am sure that with your aunt dementia, the added stress and negativity of your sister worsens her condition, which makes it harder on you. I hope that your sister moving out helps things get back to a more normal atmosphere.

Thank you and Hopefully it will.

Hey , I can't offer better advice than but I wanted to add that it might help fixing the relationship with your sister once she moves out? My partner's brother was a bit like her when he still lived at home with his parents. He was very spoiled and behaved in a very mean and demanding way towards his parents. Once he moved out, the relationship improved a lot. So I hope you can re-connect with your sister later! Let me know if you ever need someone to talk to!

Thanks She said she'll be out next month but we'll see. 'fingers crossed'

Hopefully it all works out and you and your aunt will feel better again soon!

Thank you and I hope as well.

I would like to say you are doing a wonderful thing by helping your aunt. Kristi1980 really hit the nail on the head in many ways. You need to take care of yourself when you are a caregiver. If you don't care for yourself first, you can't care for anyone else fully.